This file is a somewhat messy and not necessarily complete text dump of Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden, version 120. I made it on 8 Mar 2021 by running the game in Wine, dumping memory to disk with `gcore`, stripping out the ASCII with `strings`, and processing the result in Python. The core file seems to contain a lot of the game source code (in GameMaker's scripting language, not Delphi), even with comments, although I don't think the code lines are all in the right order. It's probably possible to decompile the game, but I'm not sure which version of GameMaker it was written in. There are two sections, "Items" and "Dialog". # Items ### Nothing Nothing. ### Ivory's Bromide A bromide of Ivory Latta. ### Battlers Tome 1 Battler's Tome - Battle Fundaments. ### Battlers Tome 2 Battler's Tome - Status Conditions. ### Battlers Tome 3 Battler's Tome - Battlin' Tactics. ### Shrekmono Piccie A photograph of the legendary kimono. ### Gun's Sticker I Love Gun's bumper sticker. Labeled 1 of 1, in crayon. ### Dimension Whistle Toot to teleport to the B-Ball Dimension. One use. ### Genie Lamp Shaped less like a lamp, and more like a boom box... ### Golden Potato Summons a legendary potato in battle... ### Gatorade Gum Turns rock solid upon air exposure. ### Protein Paste Now with 20% more protein. ### Ecto Cooler Apply liberally to wounds. ### BBall Juice Used by active ballers on the go. ### BBall Shard The shard of a mystic b-ball. ### BBall Tear The tear of an ancient baller. ### Steroids When the going gets tough... ### Chicken Dew The dew of a chicken fry. ### Chicken Fry One nation under chicken fry. ### Tobacco Cures all status ailments and negative stat mods. ### Insulin Removes diabeetus status. ### Chup A homegrown chup. Helps with the glaucomas. ### Soccerball It's a FIFA. ### Volleyball A standard volleyball. ### B-ball Basketballs are contraband - don't get caught. ### Spiked B-ball This ancient b-ball is covered in spikes. ### Mystic B-ball Ancient magics flow through this b-ball. ### Hell B-ball Nobody knows the past of this demonic b-ball... ### H/S B-ball Dual wield the Hell B-ball and Shimmerglobe for 2 attacks. ### Plain Zauber A plain old zauber. ### Fire Zauber This zauber is warm to the touch. ### Ice Zauber A mystic aura envelopes this zauber. ### Time Zauber Takes advantage of the space-time continuum. ### Hell Zauber A zauber forged in the infernal fires of Hell. ### Bloody Zauber An evil aura eminates from this ancient zauber... ### Snail Zauber This zauber is imbued with the power of snails. ### Rusty Muscle This muscle could break at any moment. ### Dwarf Wisdom The wisdom of 1000 dwarfs. ### Dwarf Pride An ancient muscle forged of dwarf gold. ### Dwarf Warhammer The technology used to make this has been lost... ### Dwarfbane This legendary muscle is 1000 years old. ### Dwarfstear Made from the solidified tears of the final dwarf. ### Dwarf Muscle Only the wisest dwarfs can use this ancient muscle ### ZX Zaubertech1 One of the cheapest gun's on the market. ### ZX ZaubertechZ An upgrade for the popular Zaubertech model. ### Mithril'braster A gun made of mithril. Forged by a dwarf. ### Battlestech Gun Made by the high-tech gun's company Battlestech. ### ZX ModelX571X High tech, usable only by the greatest Gun'slords. ### A4431063XZZ 305 Nobody knows where this mysterious gun came from... ### Egyptian Gun A deadly aura surrounds this ancient Egyptian gun. ### F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. Some say this gun was made by the devil himself... ### Tshirt / Rags Can't keep you warm in the post-cyberpocalypse. ### Jersey This jersey is contraband. ### Referee Uniform Not very stylish, but commands authority. ### Mithril Jersey Made of the finest Dwarf mithril. ### Shrekmono A kimono with a picture of Shrek on it. ### Robe Adds +1 to mysteriousness. ### Jacket The Square-Enix-Goya logo is on the back. ### Trenchcoat A post-cyberpocalyptic standard. ### Zaubermancer Garb The robes of an ancient zaubermancer... ### Falcon Jodhpurs Jodhpurs imbued with power of limitless falcons. ### Cyber-Tunic CAUTION: For Cyberdwarf use only. ### Tek-Skeleton Relatively strong chain armor. ### Tupperware Armor Made of the sturdiest tupperware on the planet. ### Bapes The hottest kicks in the post-cyberpocalypse ### Nikes Vintage pre-purge Air Barkleys. ### Pumps Variable air pumping allows for a smooth fit. ### Glasses / Sunglasses It's always dark in the post-cyberpocalypse. ### Sweatband Has an excellent sweat absorption ratio. ### Goggles Protects your peepers in any dangerous situation. ### Mithril Sweatband A sweatband made from the magical silver mithril. ### Backwards Cap Provides more protection while backwards. ### Ace Bandage Provides compression; ice it when you get home. ### Athletic Supporter Provides overall support - for your athletics. ### Facemask Clear-plastic shield, just like Rip used to wear. ### Wrist Brace Much-needed support for a b-baller's sore wrists. ### Ultimate Wristband 50/50 Goretex(TM)-Neoprene(TM) blend. ### Cyber-Gauntlet Has red digital readout; also protects your hands. ### Maureen's Ring Maureen's wedding ring... ### Femur This is Dikembe Motombo's femur. ### Turkey Feather Zalatar's precious turkey feather. ### Red Keycard A crimson computer card. ### Blue Keycard An aquamarine computer card. ### Green Keycard A chartreuse computer card. ### Prototype B-ball It needs to be recharged with jamicite. ### Pipe Something tells me I could use this later... ### Triangle Rock Oddly shaped, but could be used for creating leverage. ### Screwdriver A flathead screwdriver. Looks like it's new. ### Orb Sceptre Made from palladium, this sceptre functions as a key. ### Immaculate Rod The second key for Liberty Tower. ### Sugar Counter Measures sugar particles in the immediate area. ### Desk Key I found this key in a desk. ### Poleshaft Looks like junk, I can't do anything with this. # Dialog ### oBarkley Bum: Spare a neo-shekel??? ### oBarkley Sha-na-naa-na, sha-na-na-na-naa-na, get a job. ### oChin Heya Barkuri, you hear about that Ultimate Hellbane? That guy that kill all those people? ### oBarkley Yeah, yeah, I heard about that. ### oChin Yeah, he one tough customer I hear. Uses zaubers. Kinda makes you wonder how B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. got their hands on such powerful weapons. ### oBarkley Yeah. Didn't he just kill those two guys at the mall? ### oChin Yeah, yeah, they say he out for more tonight. That why I always carry my Square-Enix-Goya gun, can't be safe around here no more. Top of the line too. So why you here so late Barkuri? What you want? ### oBarkley I'm not feeling so well. I need some medicine. ### oChin Aww, I all out of medicine, Barkuri, but I give you this ecto cooler. Make you feel better, huh? ### oBarkley Yeah, thanks a lot Chin. ### oChin Yeah, yeah, no problem. Hey, and Barkuri. ### oBarkley Yeah? ### oChin Don't let that Ultimate Hellbane get you. ### oChin Back for more, Barkuri? ### oChin You take care, Barkuri! ### oVince D-damnit... ### oBarkley Are you guys okay? ### oBalthios Y-yeah, I think I'm al- ### oBarkley ???: Dad? ### oBarkley H-Hoopz! ### oHoopz Dad, where am I? What's going on? ### oBarkley Hoopz, I was so worried... I was so worried, Hoopz. ### oHoopz What's going on? Where are we? ### oBarkley L-let's go Hoopz. There are some things I need to tell you. ### oHoopz Okay dad. ### oBalthios Duergar: G-guh... ### oBalthios Duergar: Guh..... ### oBalthios Duergar: GAAAAAAAH! ### oBarkley B-Balthios?! ### oCyberdwarf Th-that duergar was you?? ### oBalthios I... I am sorry Charles, Cyberdwarf. My presence has put you at risk. I was... irresponsible. ### oBarkley Balthios? ### oBalthios You see... long ago I was cursed by a gypsy. Every Columbus Day I am forced to turn into a rampaging duergar filled with bloodlust and disregard for those around me, entirely consumed by a hunger for rubies and gemstones. I have no control over myself and my actions and... and I regret it. ### oCyberdwarf Why didn't you tell us, Balthios? We could have helped. ### oBalthios I forgot how near to Columbus Day it was. I am sorry. Besides, what could you have done? The only way to remove the curse is to eradicate all gypsies. But it seems now that the curse has temporarily lifted and that I will not be plagued with the burden of duergars until next Columbus Day. ### oBarkley Captain: Land ho! Now approaching Liberty Island! ### oBarkley Captain: Here we are, anchored at Liberty Island dock. ### oBalthios Captain: I won't be taking you back. The ship was damaged while the duergar was in the hull rummaging for gemstones. I don't know why you're here but you don't look like one of those cult loonies. Take care of yourself... Charles Barkley. ### oBarkley You too, old man of the sea... You too. ### oBarkley Moe: Welcome to the B-Ball Dimension dating service. How can I help you folks today? ### oFollower3 You going on a date, dad? ### oBarkley No Hoopz. I... I don't know if I could do that to Maureen. ### oFollower0 I've already devoted my life to another. ### oBarkley What? I didn't know you had a girlfriend Balthios. ### oFollower0 Not a girlfriend, Barkley. The zaubers. ### oBarkley Well Hoopz is too young to go on a date. That leaves... ### oFollower3 Cyberdwarf. ### oFollower2 I, uh... I don't think a girl would want to go out with a basketball-skinned freak like me... ### oFollower0 That's not true, Cyberdwarf. Basketball skin is found attractive in many cultures. ### oBarkley When was the last time you felt a woman's touch or grasped a woman's firm tookis? ### oFollower2 It has been a long time and... I have been lonely. ### oBarkley Well what are you waiting for? Come on, man! Go for it! ### oBarkley Moe: Have you made up your mind? Would you like to go on a date with one of our lovely ladies? ### oBarkley Go on a date? ### oBarkley Moe: Have you made up your mind? Would you like to go on a date with one of our lovely ladies? ### oBarkley Go on a date? ### oBarkley Moe: I'm sorry Mr. Cyberdwarf. All applicants that meet your requirements are currently unavailable. ### oBarkley Let's talk shop. What do you need help with? ### oBarkley Okay, what do you need to know about? ### oBarkley Okay, what do you need to know about? ### oBarkley Okay, what do you need to know about? ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Hope that helped, Barkley. That's what I'm here for. If you've got anymore questions, be sure to stop by and ask. ### oBarkley Sure will, coach. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Jordan greens are the cheapest food you can feed your b-ball. They raise its strength and vigor, but decrease its wisdom by a little bit. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Ewing greens offer a good medium between cheap and expensive food. They raise your b-ball's speed and strength, but decrease its vigor a little bit. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Chamberlain greens are the most expensive food you can buy your b-ball. They raise wisdom and strength, and taste delicious too! ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Gatorade A.M. is the cheapest drink you can give your b-ball. It raises wisdom and vigor but lowers speed. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Gatorade X-Factor costs less than Fierce but more than A.M. It will raise your ball's speed and strength, but decrease its vigor a little. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Gatorade Fierce is the most expensive drink you can buy your b-ball. It will raise its wisdom, speed, and strength. Quenches thirst too. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Dribbling your b-ball will raise its strength, but it will tire it out real fast. Do it too much and it'll get grumpy. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Every b-ball likes to be shot. It'll raise your b-ball's vigor and speed but it will also tire it out quickly. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Even though most b-balls don't like to be passed, it's a necessary part of training. It will raise wisdom, but also make your ball angry. ### oCyberdwarf Something similar happened to me. I saw an illusion of myself before... before my b-ball skin grafts. I saw who I would be today if it weren't for the accident. ### oBalthios It seems we both saw our greatest desires. Did you see anything, Hoopz? ### oHoopz Nope, I didn't see anything. ### oCyberdwarf A-amazing... ### oBalthios You're sure of this, Hoopz? You saw nothing? ### oHoopz Yeah, nothing. Not even vidcons. ### oBarkley I, uh, didn't see anything either. ### oCyberdwarf The implications of this... My suspicions were right all along... ### oBalthios I believe I'm following your train of thought, Cyberdwarf, but we have more pressing things to attend to, namely the jamicite. ### oCyberdwarf That's right, the jamicite. Let's go through the gate and get the jamicite. ### oFollower0 BOOOOOOM-SHAKA-LAKA! ### oBarkley My god... that noise is getting louder. ### oFollower2 Whatever it is, we're getting closer to it. I get the feeling we're about to find out what's making it. ### oFollower0 Get ready, guys. We may need to slam jam at a moment's notice... ### oBalthios Hmmm, what is this? A library? ### oBalthios "How to Effectively Utilize Zaubers in an Offensive Manner Vol. III". This seems to be a tome of some sort... ### oBalthios "Advanced Zauber Mechanics Vol. IX"... This... this library houses every single tome and compendium on zaubers ever written. I have been searching for some of these my whole life. This truly is a collection of compendiums to be revered. ### oBalthios However, now is not the time to be studying zaubers. Charles entrusted the task of finding a way to open the gate to me. I cannot abuse his trust or prove it misplaced. ### oBalthios P-precious compendiums... ### oBalthios ???: All of these compendiums and tomes... They could be yours if you simply touch them. ### oBalthios What!? Who was that? ### oBalthios ???: All you need to do is... touch a compendium. ### oBalthios Hah, just as I suspected! This was merely a ruse of Cuchulainn's. I believe Cyberdwarf mentioned it earlier, that he would show us whatever we most desire. I... I suppose my thirst for knowledge nearly did get the better of me though. ### oBalthios This switch looks like it might open the gate. I should probably press it... ### oBalthios To think that I could nearly fall for a trick this obvious... ### oBarkley N-no... no, this can't be. ### oHoopz Dad... ### oBalthios This is unbelievable... ### oShadowBarkley Ah, but none of that really matters. You got here just in time. You see, Manhattan was just a "pre-season warmup" as you might have called it, Barkley. Tonight, I will harness the power of the Ultimate B-Ball and cleanse the entire world with one final Chaos Dunk. There will be no survivors. ### oCyberdwarf But... but that's mad! Why would you ever do something like that!? ### oShadowBarkley Hahaha, why don't you ask Charles? After all, I'm merely a manifestation of his own thoughts. ### oBarkley N-no... I don't believe any of this... this can't be true. ### oShadowBarkley B-ball has become... convoluted. Charles and I, we wanted to take the game to the next level, we wanted to take the game so much farther and when we tried, the world didn't only backlash against b-ball, but they got rid of it outright. They weren't ready for what we wanted to do with the game. They were too stupid and cowardly to accept the game's full potential. They weren't good enough for it. If I destroy all of mankind, I can begin anew a world of b-ball based on my prototype Charles Barkley. ### oBalthios What, so we're all just a bunch of sub-humans not good enough for you? ### oShadowBarkley Sub-humans? No, I do not believe you are sub-human. I believe you are merely human and that is the downfall of your species. Instead of welcoming the next generation, you supress it. I represent something far greater than yourself, something greater even than b-ball. I represent the post-human. What do you say, Barkley? Shall we start a new, glorious age of b-ball or shall we let it stagnate and die in the current world? Will you join me? ### oHoopz Don't do it, dad... ### oCyberdwarf Think of all that B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. has done, Charles... ### oBalthios The choice is yours, Barkley. This is your journey, not mine. ### oBarkley What will you do? ### oBarkley It was the first game I ever took you to. There were 2 seconds left on the clock and we were down by a point. I saw Maureen holding you in the stands and I knew I couldn't let you down. ### oBarkley That all you got? Come on! If you can't slam with the best then jam with the rest! ### oBarkley But my confidence was just a facade, in reality I thought you'd grow up thinking I was a chump because I didn't win your first game. I didn't want that to happen. ### oDVitale Well Tom, with that last jam it puts the Knicks ahead 122-121. With only a few seconds left, it looks like this game is finally over. ### oDVitale That last slam-jam puts the Knicks ahead 122-121. With only a few seconds left, it looks like the Suns are going to hang their heads low tonight. ### oBarkley There was only two seconds left. I didn't have enough time to shoot. I didn't have time to do anything. There was nothing I could do. ### oBarkley No. ### oBarkley There was something I could do. ### oBarkley I closed my eyes and focused my b-ball energy. I had never done this before. Nobody had. ### oDVitale What the hell is going on out there?! It's like an earthquake or something. The tension in this arena is building like I've never seen it. ### oDVitale What the hell is going on out there, baby?! It's like an earthquake out there, the tension in this arena is phenomenal. I've never seen anything like this in a hoops game before! ### oBarkley This was it. It was now... ### oBarkley ...or never. ### oBarkley CHAOS DUUUUUUUUUNNK! ### oBarkley They were gone. All of them. Everything. Eviscerated by the Chaos Dunk. My team, my coach, my fans... my wife, my child. ### oBarkley But then I saw you... ### oBarkley ...why? Why had you been the only one to survive? ### oBarkley Hoopz... ### oBarkley Hoopz... ### oBarkley ???: Well as I live and breathe, if it isn't Charles Barkley! ### oBarkley C...Coach? Coach Guokas! Holy shit! What the hell are you doing out here? ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Haha, no kidding, it is you! How've you been, Barkley? ### oBarkley Times have been tough, Coach, but I'll make it. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Yeah, the Purge has been hard on all of us but I know you've got what it takes to rebound. You always did on the court. A little b-ball humor if you will. ### oBarkley So what are you doing out here coach? ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Ah, I gave up the whole coaching gig after the Purge and started raising b-balls here on the ranch. It's a nice change of pace and everything. ### oBarkley Raising b-balls? What do you mean? ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Well, first we breed 'em. That's the tough part, cuz sometimes you get these really ornery b-balls that just don't want to mate. You gotta coerce 'em, you see? But after that it's not that hard, just water and feed them. After they're old enough you can start to use 'em however you feel. Some folks keep 'em as pets. Others battle them in the b-ball stadium. Some just like to bounce 'em. Me? I don't mind the company of a good b-ball now and then. How about it Barkley, want to try your hand at raising a b-ball? ### oBarkley Sure, what do I have to do? ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: You can have the ball on the top right of the ranch. He's a real feisty guy so you better be ready. All you have to do is feed, water, and train it. Each different type of food and drink raises a different stat, but they cost money. Training it also raises its stats and it doesn't cost any money, but train it too hard and it'll start to resent you and you don't want to see what an angry b-ball can do. Got all that Barkley? ### oBarkley Yeah, I think so. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Raising a b-ball can be tough but the rewards are endless. If you've got any more specific questions feel free to come back and ask. ### oBarkley Let's talk shop. What do you need help with? ### oBarkley Mikael K.: What are you doing out here man? Do you know where we are? These are the outskirts of Neo New York, you're walking along the border of everything and nothing. ### oBarkley We're looking for Cuchulainn's Tomb, you know where it is? ### oBarkley Mikael K.: Yeah, you came down the wrong way where the road splits. Cuchulainn's Tomb is up the other way. Just keep heading north and you'll make it. ### oBarkley Thanks a lot, man. ### oBarkley Mikael K.: It's my business to help people out. One might even say helping is my forte. ### oBarkley Mikael K.: You look like you're getting ready to head out of Neo New York. ### oBarkley What's it to you, chump? ### oBarkley Mikael K.: Hey, hey, no need to be like that. I'm just trying to help out. After all, helping is my forte. I was wondering if you needed an explanation of the world map, since this is your first time. ### oBarkley World map? What the hell is that? You on chicken fries or something? ### oBarkley Mikael K.: You've never heard of the world map? Man, where are you from? The world map is where you go when you leave a town or donjon and it's the easiest way to get from one place to another. The world's shrunken down on the world map so you can move around quicker. ### oBarkley This doesn't sound that complicated. ### oBarkley Mikael K.: Yeah, it's not but since it's your first time I figured I could clear stuff up for you. Another thing to remember is that you've always gotta look out for monsters on the world map too. It seems like they're everywhere these days. ### oBarkley Alright, thanks for the help man. ### oBarkley Mikael K.: Hey, it's what I'm here for. ### oBarkley Mikael K.: It would be fair to assume my forte is helping people. ### oJordan You... You son of a bitch, Barkley. ### oBarkley Get the fuck away from him! ### oBarkley DO IT, JORDAN! ### oJordan You won today, Barkley. Yeah, you beat me. Fucking gloat. But I'll get you Barkley. I'll get you and the rest of you god damned sportlovers and when I do, you'll fucking bleed Gatorade to your graves. ### oVince Mission: failed. Retreat to B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. for reconstruction process and second attempt. ### oBalthios Vince, wait! ### oVince I am no longer Vince Carter, Balthios... I am Vinceborg 2050, B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. agent of death. ### oBarkley Damnit Vince... Damnit... ### oHoopz Dad! ### oBarkley I'm... I'm here son. ### oBarkley ???: B...arkl...ey... ### oBarkley L-Larry? ### oLarry I... I did everything I could for Hoopz... ### oBarkley Larry, don't talk. You'll reopen your wounds... ### oLarry I'm dead anyways, Barkley. Jordan got me good. ### oBarkley Larry... ### oLarry I wanted to tell you I was sorry, Barkley. ### oBarkley Sorry? ### oLarry For that... that argument we had earlier. You were right... ### oBarkley Larry, you don't need to- ### oLarry I had no right to say the things that I did... How did we grow so apart, Charles? We used to be so close... I... I knew it wasn't you who did that Chaos Dunk in Manhattan, Charles. ### oBarkley How do you know? ### oLarry Look at yourself, Barkley. You wouldn't hurt a fly, not after what happened to Maureen... ### oLarry It's getting cold, Charles... It's getting so... ### oBarkley Goodbye, Larry. ### oBarkley Damnit, it's the Monstars! Cyberdwarf, keep going, I'll hold them off! ### oFollower2 Be careful, Balthios... ### oBarkley Don't worry about me, just make sure Hoopz gets out okay! ### oFollower2 Right! ### oBarkley Monstar: Hahaha, you think your puny zaubers can stop us? We're the Monstars! We dominated the Space Jam! We'll crush your zaubers! ### oBarkley Zaubers? Heh, you think you know zaubers? I'll show you zaubers... ### oBarkley Suit: How about you make your $5000 worth it and don't come back for a while? ### oBarkley Suit: Oh god... Allard's gonna fucking kill me... ### oBarkley Suit: Never seen you before. Dr. Allard charges $5000 for a trip down this ladder. There ain't anybody that comes here who doesn't wanna get past me. And there ain't nobody that does get past me without a lighter wallet. It's a decent situation we have going here. It's gone without a hitch for a while now. So. $5000 gets you a round trip. Down the ladder once, up the ladder once. How's that sound? ### oBarkley What! $5000 is an outrageous price, there's gotta be another way down there... ### oBarkley Suit: Not a chance. Pay up or shut up. ### oBarkley Suit: Changed your mind? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley It's none of your fucking business. Just open the gate before your ass gets slammed and jammed. ### oBarkley Allard: Oh wait, I remember you. From all those news reports. Barkley... Charles Barkley, is it? ### oBarkley Just let us through the gate. ### oBarkley Allard: Charles Barkley, that's right. You're a wanted man, you know. Sirens have been blaring on the surface all day. We hear the echoes down here. I assume they're looking for you. Fifteen million. That's quite a bit of damage you did to Manhattan, Barkley. ### oBarkley That wasn't me you son of a bitch. ### oBarkley Allard: Right. Whenever somebody comes to the sewers, it "wasn't them." Regardless, you aren't in the best situation now are you? The police and the B-ball Removal Department looking for you topside, and here you are in my office acting like you have some kind of upper hand. Pitiful. You and your friends there are at my mercy, and you come at me with threats. Do you have any idea who I am? I run these sewers. All of these rats bow to me. They need me. I'll give you the chance to turn around now. ### oCyberdwarf Barkley, perhaps we shouldn't... ### oBarkley Shouldn't? He's a fucking tyrant and he needs to be stopped. ### oBarkley Allard: A tyrant? Hahaha. I'm a blessing to these rats. Here's a story for you: I wasn't always a doctor. I worked for a software company. We did computers, vidcons and things. I was grotesque. A pasty, balding wreck. My physical form was flabby and weak... so I decided to change it. Clispaeth put me a disgusting sack of flesh, and so I went to work on it. I studied genetic engineering, plastic surgery, even fashion. I was bald, so I gave myself hair. I cut away my fat and grew muscle in its stead. God gave me a body... I refused it, and made another of my liking. I destroyed God's plan for me, and made another of my own! And to these people in the sewers, I took his place. They come to me, sad souls imprisoned in pathetic husks. I am the one who sets them free! This time, I am their creator! I give them life, and so I claim these sewers as my dominion. And here you make demands of me. In these sewers, I am a god, and I am loved for it! ... You there. ### oCyberdwarf Me? ### oBarkley Allard: Your skin. Leathery, patterned, doesn't look synthetic from here. Basketballs, I'm assuming? ### oCyberdwarf Y...yes. It is made of basketballs. ### oBarkley Allard: It's patients like you who I can fix. People like you come to me in shackles, and I liberate them. And all I ask from them is obedience, and of course, a modest fee. I am a doctor after all. ### oBarkley You're a goddamn lunatic. ### oBarkley Allard: You're a stubborn one aren't you. I gave you a chance. Leonard, take care of them. ### oBarkley Bodyguard: ... Right away, sir. ### oBarkley Manufacted slamicite... ### oFollower2 How could they not know...? How could they not see the danger in manufacted slamicite? ### oFollower3 What's the difference? ### oFollower2 The differences are numerous but mundane. Know, however, that manufacted jamicite emits exponentially less negative b-ball energies than its slamicite counterpart. ### oFollower0 This... does not bode well. Still, we had better continue. ### oBarkley I... I just wanted to say, Dikembe, that I... I always envied your talent and abilities and sometimes... sometimes I wished I was you. I just wanted to say... I'm sorry. ### oBarkley Huh? What's going on? ### oBarkley BOOOOOOOOM! ### oBarkley SHAKA! ### oBaller LAKA! ### oBalthios Look out! It's the ghost of Dikembe Mutombo! ### oBarkley D-Dikembe, is it... is it really you? ### oBaller Yes Barkley, it is really me. You have freed me from the ancient and deadly b-ball curse that caused me to eternally haunt these halls in limbo, trapped between this life and the B-Ball Dimension. I feel my ghostly, incorporeal body dissipating into an ethereal mist of... of b-balls. I'm finally... coming... home... ### oBarkley Dikembe! Wait! There's something I wanted to tell you! ### oBaller Quickly Barkley, the b-ball curse has lifted! ### oBarkley I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the Purge and I'm sorry about what happened. ### oBaller Barkley, I want you to carry on my legacy. ### oBarkley What? ### oBaller Close your eyes and let the power of jams wash over you. Let my knowledge enter your body... ### oBarkley Barkley has learned the forbidden jam "Holy Dunk"! ### oBarkley Th-thank you, Dikembe! ### oBaller You are welcome Barkley. Oh, and one last thing... ### oBarkley Y-yes? ### oBaller You are... ### oBarkley ...forgiven. ### oBalthios We... We had better leave. ### oCyberdwarf Yes... let's go. ### oBarkley Goodbye... Dikembe. May you finally find your peace. ### oBarkley Hoopz, I've known you were a special kid for a long time. ### oHoopz What do you mean, dad? I'm just a normal kid. I'm no different from any of my friends. ### oBarkley There's... something I never told you. ### oHoopz Huh? What do you mean? ### oBarkley Maureen... your mother... we were so excited to finally have a child. We were trying so hard for so many years and it never seemed to work. You should've seen the look on her face when she went into labor. I've never seen a woman so happy before. I'd never been so happy before... She was in labor for thirty-six hours. We knew you'd be a tough one coming out but... we never expected this. ### oHoopz What do you mean dad? ### oBarkley She... your mother gave birth to a b-ball. It wasn't a b-ball, it was an egg but it looked just like one. We didn't know what to do and the doctor said he'd never seen anything like this before. It was another three months before you hatched, Hoopz. ### oHoopz But... what does it mean? ### oBarkley I don't know but... but that's not the end... ### oBarkley It's just... this is just all so bonkers. It's all so gatdam bonkers. All of this, we're running around the Post-Cyberpocalypse looking for clues about who or what B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is and who did the Chaos Dunk and all this shit about the Ultimate B-Ball. It's just... bonkers. ### oCyberdwarf As bonkers as it may be, Charles, the world hangs on a fringe and we're the only ones capable of saving it. ### oBarkley You're right, Cyberdwarf. I know you are. I just wish shit didn't have to be this way. I wish it could just go back to when b-ball was b-ball with no shit attached and we didn't have to whisper every time we wanted to talk about Nike. It's like... the whole world's just fucked. ### oHoopz Well maybe we can change that. ### oBarkley Hoopz? ### oHoopz Dad, I've been meaning to ask you... what's the Cyberpocalypse? ### oBarkley Well Hoopz, I don't really know how to explain it to you. I'm not really a religious- ### oCyberdwarf 2000 years ago, a Jicklebergian freedom fighter was crucified by the British Empire in an event that is now known as the Boston Massacre. His name was... Clispaeth Ryuji Atuck. ### oHoopz You mean... THE Clispaeth? ### oCyberdwarf They are one and the same, Hoopz. It is shocking for many to give context to Clispaeth's historical relevance, but he was indeed real. He was the leader of an army that was fighting for the freedom of Jickleberg from the British Empire. The backlash of the Boston Massacre was tremendous; armies gathered underneath the banners of Clispaeth's remaining disciples to fight the British Empire. They fought. They fought for the duration of 666 years, until both sides were destroyed and the whole world obliterated. This was the Cyberpocalypse, and we are living in its consequences. ### oBarkley The Clispaeth I learned about in church was- ### oBarkley What the hell was that? ### oBalthios That laughter... it's coming from over there! ### oBarkley ???: Quickly! Run into the house! ### oBarkley Who's there? ### oBarkley ???: Do it or he'll get you! Quickly! ### oBarkley I don't know what the hell is going on but we'd better do it. ### oBarkley You said you'd clear this all up when we got Hoopz, Cyberdwarf. Tell me what the hell is going on. ### oCyberdwarf The Chaos Dunk that destroyed Manhattan... It was B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Somehow they got their hands on the Ultimate B-Ball- ### oHoopz The Ultimate B-Ball? ### oBarkley A long time ago, before you were even born, I was trapped in a basketball with a couple other ballers. You remember when I told you about this, right Hoopz? ### oHoopz Yeah, the Space Jam. I remember. But what's that got to do with this? ### oCyberdwarf Although you were no longer trapped in the Ultimate B-Ball, Barkley, its power slowly continued to grow until it rivalled its original power. Somehow, and I don't know how, the terrorist organization B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. got their hands on the ball. I don't know what they are planning on doing with it, but from what they've shown us already, they are incredibly powerful and know how to use it. ### oBarkley But... But who is B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.? ### oCyberdwarf I don't know who the leader is, but I do know that they've existed for almost a century. I think Balthios knows more than I do. ### oBalthios No, Cyberdwarf... I don't. ### oBarkley What do you mean? ### oBalthios They... they killed my great grandfather, Lebron. He was killed before the Purge. They shot him, Charles. Right in the heart. I was at his deathbed when he told me about the zaubers. I... I didn't know about the James legacy, that my family was the last to harness the power of the zaubers. He told me to respect and master the zaubers, but never to use them for an ill purpose. That's why B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. killed him, they wanted the power of the zaubers for themselves. I've been tracking them down since Lebron died but... ### oCyberdwarf He's been chasing smoke. He can't find anything. ### oBarkley I'm... I'm sorry Balthios. I didn't know... ### oBalthios You have nothing to be sorry for, Barkley. ### oBarkley So what do we do now? ### oCyberdwarf There are two things, Barkley. Find out what B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is planning and stop them. ### oBarkley Well how are we going to do that? ### oCyberdwarf We'll need to... forge a new Ultimate B-Ball. One powerful enough to counter whatever B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is planning. I don't know how we'll do this, but I think we can find clues in the old Spalding building. ### oBarkley Where's that? ### oCyberdwarf It's located farther underground, in Proto Neo New York. ### oBarkley (Proto Neo New York...) ### oBalthios So, how do we get there, Cyberdwarf? ### oCyberdwarf We'll exit the town at the north and then take a right. After that it's just a bit farther through the sewers. There's a ladder there we can use that descends all the way down into Proto Neo New York. And that's where we'll find it. The Spalding Factory. ### oBarkley I... I don't know where all this is leading but... but this can't be anything other than fate. ### oCyberdwarf F.A.T.E... ### oBalthios We should get all the supplies we need here in Cesspool X, and then we'll take off. ### oBarkley Good idea. ### oBarkley Hoopz has joined the party! ### oBarkley Leonard: Huh, what? What are you talking about? Am I getting fired or something? ### oBarkley Sort of. This is going to be a really hard pill to swallow so just sit tight with me, okay? ### oBarkley Leonard: What the hell is going on here? What are you talking about? ### oFollower0 Leonard, you're a ghost. You died 12 years ago in an accident that occured when they were testing the prototype b-ball. We don't know what happened or how, but somehow you were killed. You've been living the last day of your life for the past 12 years, Leonard. ### oBarkley Leonard: Wh-what? Is this a fucking joke or something? Are you fucking kidding me? ### oFollower2 No Leonard, I am sorry, it is true. You are a ghost. The Spalding building has been empty since the Purge, which happened shortly after you were killed. You've been wandering these halls in limbo ever since, not realizing any of this. ### oBarkley Leonard: N-no. I don't believe you, I don't believe any of this! ### oFollower0 When was the last time you were home, Leonard? ### oBarkley Leonard: Last night! What the hell do you think? ### oFollower0 No, Leonard. Think hard, when was the last time you really went home. Home, Leonard. ### oBarkley Leonard: Home... I... I went outside a long time ago and it was so different from how it used to be. I... couldn't find my way home so I came back here. ### oFollower0 You've been living here, Leonard, cleaning these hallways without realizing what you are. ### oBarkley Leonard: But... ### oFollower0 12 years ago you died, Leonard. You have to accept it or you will be in ghost jeopardy for eternity. ### oBarkley Leonard: I... I know. ### oBarkley Leonard: I'm going home. ### oBarkley What? ### oBarkley Leonard: I want to thank you for making me realize. I'm going home now. ### oFollower2 He's finally gone to the Ghost Dimension. ### oBarkley Wh-what's this? ### oFollower0 Do you think he left it for us? ### oFollower2 I believe he did, Balthios. I believe it was his parting gift to us for helping him on his way to the Ghost Dimension. ### oBarkley I believe ghosts are like dogs and they just sort of do things arbitrarily. ### oBarkley Pump: One thing that caused me to stop playing this game and register and post to this was the EXTREMELY ANNOYING propaganda that gets spit out at me for about 4-6 text screens everytime I want to save. Although I agree with much of what you say there is really no need to put this in a game. It makes it seem very unprofessional and just plain annoying and in my case ruined the whole appeal of the game. Now, let me explain why I call it propaganda yet say I agree with most of it. First off, you state your points in a very racist and one sided way, in fact it's stated in such a way where it makes YOU sound very unintelligent and infact ignorant. For instance, you mention how games like Madden and Quake are ruining gaming and how the people who play these games are stupid (this is what I, and many people I've spoke to about have taken from it). First off, I don't particularly disagree with you, I don't like either of these games or there generes. However, as a professional game developer myself, the first thing I had to come to terms with (and which you very much need to) is the fact that not everone likes the same games as you. Infact, this can be broadened to the fact that people have diffrent OPINIONS, which can not be validated as right or wrong since they are OPINIONS. Some people who are big sports fan will like playing sports games. Who are you to judge there opinions? Who are you to judge there intelligence? I won't even get into your racist statements since I myself do not want to get into it since it would add many many paragraphs to this post. Let me just say this, it completely convinced me that you are FAR FAR more ignorant than those you insult. But from a professional point of view this is absurd, this propaganda has no place in a game, especially in one where all the other aspect are excellent. So in summary, keep you opinions/politics out of your games or you will lose fan. You just lost my support, respect and that of many other people I know by having such ignorant propaganda in your game. Now I will leave you with a few words from the father of philosophy, Socrates. "All I know is that I do not know anything." Please think this over and try to raise youself about your ignorance. Thank you and have a good day. ### oBarkley Do it. Pull that switch. Disable that coupling. ### oCyberdwarf Here it goes... ### oBarkley All: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! ### oBarkley Nope. That's the left switch, for the left coupling. That's not the correct coupling. ### oCyberdwarf How about this switch Barkley? Will this switch disable the correct coupling? Remember, it's the [rightmost coupling] that we need to disable. Not the other couplings. So is this the correct switch for the coupling? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Nope. That's the middle switch, for the middle coupling. That's not the right coupling. ### oCyberdwarf Here we are. This must be the switch for our coupling. This will disconnect this car from the rest of the train, separating us from the bomb. You two get to the next car. I'll come after you the moment I flip the switch. ### oBalthios We can't leave you here with the bomb, Cyberdwarf. ### oBarkley He knows what he's doing, Balthios. Let's go. ### oCyberdwarf I believe this is the- ### oBarkley This is it. I've never been so sure in my entire life but I KNOW this is the jamicite. ### oHoopz D-dad? ### oBalthios Barkley, are you alright? ### oBarkley This feeling... I'm... I'm better than alright. This is the best I've felt in a long time, it's like... it's like that feeling just before a big game, your fans are cheering for you and the announcer's shouting out your stats and the dj is pumping out the jock jams. Heh, they banned jock jams during the Purge but... but I can hear 'em in my dome, I can hear the fans roaring for me. ### oCyberdwarf Are you ready to insert the jamicite into the prototype, Barkley? ### oBarkley ...I'm ready. ### oBarkley Alright... ### oBarkley It's... The Hell B-ball is complete... ### oHoopz The prototype is- ### oBarkley I can feel it... ### oHoopz Dad, are you okay!? ### oBarkley One billion b-balls dribbling simultaneously throughout the galaxy. One trillion b-balls being slam dunked through a hoop throughout the cosmos. I can feel every single b-ball that has ever existed at my fingertips, I can feel their collective knowledge channeling through my veins. Every jumpshot, every rebound and three-pointer, every layup, dunk, and free throw. I am there. ### oBarkley I Am B-Ball. ### oBarkley Though I have reforged the Ultimate B-Ball, there is something I must still do. There is... another basketball that cries out for an owner. No, not an owner. A companion. I must find this b-ball, save it from the depths of obscurity that it so fears. I will meet you outside of Cuchulainn's Tomb. Do not worry. I will be back. ### oBalthios Charles, are you okay? ### oBarkley I am... beyond such primal emotions as "okay", Balthios. I am... enlightened. ### oCyberdwarf You will be alright, Barkley? ### oBarkley This is something I must do alone, Cyberdwarf, but do not worry. I will return, this I vow. ### oHoopz Be careful dad... ### oBarkley You don't need to worry Hoopz. There is nothing that can happen to me. I have already seen the outcome... goodbye. ### oBarkley Guy: Man, I know I've seen your face somewhere before... ### oBarkley I, uh, don't know about that... ### oBarkley Guy: That's it, Charles Barkley! Man, the doctor did a great job on your operation. Most guys who get the Charles Barkley operation come out looking like Patrick Ewing or something. That looks fantastic. ### oBarkley Wait, what? Charles Barkley operation? ### oBarkley Guy: Man, and you're already in character. You're a real inspiration, you know that? Me? I'm here for the Wilt Chamberlain operation. It's always been a dream of mine to dribble a b-ball in the visage of one of the game's greatest. I mean, just everything about the guy was amazing; his dunks, his rebounds, his shots, his passes. I could pretty much go on forever about him. I'm so nervous, my dreams are about to come true. ### oBarkley People get surgery to look like... Charles Barkley? ### oBarkley Guy: Yeah, you're not the first. He's got a whole fanbase of guys who've gotten the surgery. Yours is the best I've ever seen though. It looks so real. ### oBarkley J...Jesus Christ... I've uh, I've gotta go. ### oBarkley Okay, later man. Keep it real. ### oBarkley Guy: I can't get over how good a job Dr. Allard did on you. I hope he does that well on me. ### oBarkley Guy: I thought you were cool, man, but you go and beat up the doctor right after he does such a good job on you. Seriously, how ungrateful can you be? Don't even talk to me. Whatever you've got to say, I don't want to hear it. ### oBarkley What's the world done to me that I haven't deserved, Juwanna? I took b-ball for granted and when it was taken away from me, I realized how important it really was. That's why I'm doing this Juwanna. I'm not doing this for me. I'm not doing this for you or Maureen or the world. I'm doing this for Hoopz. I'm doing it so he can grow up in the same world I grew up in, a world where layups got you applause, not arrested. I'm doing this so he can know the same sport I did. ### oJuwanna Charles... ### oBarkley I'm sorry, Juwanna. Goodbye. ### oJuwanna ...goodbye Charles. ### oBarkley James Ruglia: I think I'm gonna vomit... ### oBarkley Huh? What's the matter? ### oBarkley James Ruglia: They're matching me up with someone now, I'm so nervous. I don't think I've ever been this nervous before. ### oBarkley What's the big deal? It's just a dating service. ### oBarkley James Ruglia: But who knows if the girl they match me up with is the girl I've been dreaming of all my life? Who knows if it's that special girl that will make me happy... ### oBarkley K-kinda like Maureen... ### oBarkley James Ruglia: My ideal woman, she'd be like this... +She'd have to be caucasian. No other race could make me feel as close-not even Asian. +Definately untoned and shorter than me, with long hair. Color is irrelevant because she'd dye it anyway. +Someone with good ideals and a moral backbone without being "old-fashioned". Someone who really likes to huggle and so forth-who could sleep in a single sized bed comfortably with me. Preferably she'd like to wear stuff I pick out for her and she'd be just as willing to do any random little chore or apeasment that I already dedicate so much of my convenience to others for(and her included of course). +Big bonus points if she likes my creativity and RPGMaker game(s/coding skill) +Someone who could act almost as my double, going anywhere I went, but who needed my help for things. Lifting something, inturpreting more complex Japanese, explaining things clearly, mathematical calculations... +My first kid will be a girl named Terra or a boy named Ryukaze. Hopefully this wouldn't need discussion(Though I might think harder about "Ryukaze"...). +I could explain some other 100% necessary no-exception-for-anything details, but those are more "personal"... +One admitable detail for my last point is she'd need to like roleplaying, pretending, make-believe etc. because two things I like in private are flattery (and flattering) and "foreplay". ### oBarkley J... just like Maureen... ### oBarkley Jessica: Hey there. You headed down? ### oBarkley Not interested in hookers, lady. Try someone else. ### oBarkley Jessica: Easy. easy. Just making a little conversation. I'm about to go down myself. It's dangerous down there but it's worth the risk depending on how much you can pull up. Proto Neo NY artifacts can go for a lot. Collector types with neo-shekels to burn. This toll kills me though. I'm paying $5000 a trip to Allard, all so I have enough to pay him again for surgery. ### oFollower0 What kind of surgery would that be, if you don't mind me asking? ### oBarkley Jessica: Something for my first business. ### oFollower0 I see. ### oBarkley Jessica: I'm not really into it, but clients will pay a lot for non-standard parts. Allard's control over the sewers can be a real pain in the ass, but he has made my business a lot more profitable. Guess I can't fault him too much. He's a great surgeon. ### oBarkley Jessica: Well, I guess I owe you one for sticking it to the doctor like that. Makes life easier for all of us, you know? ### oBarkley We're just trying to get to Proto Neo New York, lady. We didn't do it for anyone else. ### oBarkley Jessica: It doesn't matter to me why you did it. Just be sure to stock up before you go there. You think it's bad up here? Wait until you get down real deep. It's pretty brutal. They say the b-ball energy levels are so out of control that they can mutate a person. ### oBarkley That sounds pretty bad. ### oBarkley Jessica: Yeah. Yeah it is. ### oBarkley Jessica: Take care of yourself if you're going down there. It's not a pretty place. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Why yes that's me! And what's your name? ### oBarkley Barkley. And this is Balthios. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Well hello then Barkley! Hello Balthios! Welcome to Cesspool X! It's a tiny little town but I hope you guys enjoy it here as much as we do! ### oFollower0 Thank you, we appreciate that. Listen, we're new here and wanted to get to know some people in the town. Could we maybe ask you a few questions and see what you're all about? ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Hi Barkley! Who's your friend there!? I didn't ask last time we talked. ### oBarkley Oh. This is Balthios. ### oBarkley Well hello then Balthios! Welcome to Cesspool X! ### oFollower0 Thank you, I appreciate that. Listen, we're new here and wanted to get to know some people in the town. Could we maybe ask you a few questions and see what you're all about? ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Sure thing! I love getting to know people! ### oFollower0 Great. Ok then, Barkley here will ask you a few questions. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Bring 'em on! ### oBarkley Ok, uh... ### oBarkley What do you want to say? ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Thanks for delivering that poem guys! I'll go talk to Eric sometime later. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Hi! It's you again! What brings you back!? ### oBarkley I was told to deliver this. It's a poem. It's from the snail. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: It's from Eric? ### oBarkley Yeah, Eric. The snail. Read it. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: This... oh my god... it's like he knows me even better than I know myself! He says I love animals, and he's right, I do love animals! And I don't mind cleaning up after them, and I love my friends here! I can't believe this... has he felt like this all this time? How could I have been so blind? Eric... I'm coming... ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: This... hmm. This is... it's something. I mean... it's long? He must have tried hard? Maybe? Thanks, I guess. If you see him you could tell him I said thank you to him too. I should probably come by and say it myself sometime. He's a cute guy and all but this poetry is really... bewildering, sort of. I just can't really imagine what was running through the writer's head. Anyway, thanks for bringing it by guys. I'll ask him about it later. ### oFollower0 So it was that bad... ### oBarkley Let's just get our reward and get out of here. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: I think I'm interested in what most of my friends here are interested in - animals! I love animals so much! As you can see I even wanted to become one! That's how much I love animals! I love petting animals and talking to animals and being nearby animals! Also, I am a kitsune, so I enjoy hunting animals! I do not eat them - I am a strict vegetarian, I love animals too much - but I am a foxie and what foxies love to do is hunt! So I like to find little animals and sneak up on them and pounce on them and wrestle with them and then let them go. I love animals so much I even love hunting animals (nicely though)! ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: What am I like? Hmmm... that's a tough one. Just kidding! I am like a person that likes animals! A lot! Back when I was a norm like yourself, way back before the B-Ballnacht I worked at a zoo. It was a really nice one. I felt so bad about animals being in cages but I just loved them so much and it was the only place I could see them. So in retrospect I am definitely sorry about working there and perpetuating that terrible industry of animal slavery. But I loved working there while I was working there because I love animals! I loved animals so much that they had me clean up the droppings from the cages because I was the only one there who loved animals enough to do that. So there you go! That's what I am like! ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: How do I like Cesspool X? The question should be how do I love Cesspool X! And I would say "A lot!" I love Cesspool X because there is nobody to hurt us down here. And I also love it because there are so many people like me down here. People like Frank and Zalatar and Chip. And like Eric! People that share my ideals and viewpoints and passions. But most of all, I love Cesspool X because so many people down here are really, really good friends! ### oFollower0 Barkley, are you sure you don't want to ask her more questions? ### oBarkley Are you finished? ### oBarkley What do you want to say? ### oBarkley What do you want to say? ### oBarkley Alright, J. Lindsay. That's it. ### oFollower0 Thank you, J. Lindsay. You've been a great help. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: You're welcome! Helping is one of this kitsune's favorite things to do! ### oFollower0 I hope that's information enough to write a halfway decent poem with. Let's retire elsewhere and compose this. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Oh Eric... ### oBarkley You've gotta be kidding me. ### oBalthios Hmm? ### oBarkley The snail left without giving us a reward. If I ever see that punk again I'll slam him so hard... ### oBalthios I'm at least happy they're together. There are some rewards that aren't material, Charles. ### oBarkley Goddamn animal people. ### oBalthios Oh, Barkley... ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: I... I knew you were worthy, Charles... I knew you were the one to wield the Hell B-ball. ### oBarkley I'm sorry, Creelman. I didn't want this to happen. ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: S-sorry? You can never be sorry, Barkley. Never. Take the prototype and recharge it. Only then can you finally defeat B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. ### oFollower0 Recharge it? ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: Yes. The... the jamicite... it needs the... jam...i...cite... ### oBarkley He... he's gone. ### oFollower2 He's passed on, Barkley. He was waiting for this for a long time, I think. ### oBarkley So what do we do now? We've got the prototype. ### oFollower2 We're going to need to recharge it, like Creelman said. That'll probably mean we have to go to Cuchul- ### oFollower3 AHHHHH! ### oBarkley Hoopz! ### oJordan Hahahaha! You fools, you fell for my booby trap! ### oBarkley Damnit, this was all just a gatdam booby trap! Jordan, you motherfucking baka, you sick motherfucking goddamn BAKA! What the fuck did you do to Hoopz? What the fuck did you do to my son?! ### oJordan Ahaha, don't worry Barkley, he's not dead... yet. I shot a dart filled with type 2 diabetes into him, the kind they were never able to cure. He'll be stone cold dead if you don't find a way to cure him in the next hour. Oh, but I guess that would require you to have a PhD in diabetes and not b-ball. Hahahahaha! ### oBarkley Jordan, you sick son of a bitch! Why the fuck would you do this to a little boy!? What the hell has he ever done to you!? You goddamn baka, come on and face me! ### oJordan Do you really think you have the time for that right now, Barkley? If I were you, I'd be saying my last farewells to Hoopz. ### oFollower0 Jordan, you... ### oJordan Ahaha! I'll see you later! Oh, but not all of you! ### oBarkley Damnit! Hoopz, can you hear me?! Hoopz!? ### oFollower0 Nothing... ### oFollower2 It's type 2 diabetes, Barkley. Not even I can heal it... ### oBarkley DAMNIT! DAMNIT ALL TO HELL! Hoopz, hang in there... ### oDVitale Thanks again, Chuck. You're the greatest! ### oDVitale Fuck you Charles. Get the fuck out of my face, baby. You aren't worth shit, alright? Not worth a fucking shit. ### oDVitale Whoa, if it isn't the Round Mound of Rebound himself, baby! Let me tell ya how great the BBall Dimension is: it's great! You got all kinds of stuff here, BBall, all the Gatorade you can drink, and hey, they even got a dating service! Wow! What a place. ### oBarkley It's great to see you here Dick. It good to know all the ballers and coaches like yourself are in such a great place after what happened... ### oDVitale It's all great, Chuck. Can't get enough of this place! ### oBarkley Alright, I'm gonna take a look around here. See you later Dick. ### oDVitale Oh, well, there is one thing, you know, just one thing. This place has everything, and, well I bet all my money on keno and lost it all. I could use some coin, say 50 neo-shekels, if you get my drift, cause there's nothing like playing keno and catching the rays while sipping on some 'ade, baby! ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley We probably should've killed him. ### oBalthios Charles, your son's right here. ### oBarkley I've said it before. I am not a role model. Still, it was probably the right thing to do. That guy's sick. And look who's talking. You're the 'Ultimate Hellbane.' You're certainly not afraid of killing anyone. ### oBalthios My hands are not clean, but everything I've done has been for the people of Neo New York. Allard was a cruel dictator, but he's nothing like B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Besides, he's called off his guards and promised to lower his prices for his surgeries. Surgeries that help the people down here, regardless of what you think of them. ### oBarkley He's a real slimy son of a bitch though. He'll probably change his mind the moment we head down to Proto Neo New York. I just think everyone would be better off without him. But let's just hurry up and go. We've probably spent too much time here already. ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: Holy shit! What the hell was that!? ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: Clispaeth Christ! The test subject... he just performed a Chaos Dunk! ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: Dear lord... What have we done, Cosby? What have we done?! Somebody call a doctor! Emergency, code red, call a doctor! ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: It's... it's too late for that...He's gone, Davis. ### oBarkley Something happened here. I can't quite put my finger on it. ### oFollower0 I do too, Barkley. Something terrible. ### oBarkley It's probably just superstition, we should move on. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: Square-Enix-Goya does not take kindly to your attitude. It is apparent you can no longer be trusted. ### oBarkley Tough luck, chump. Pay up or shut up. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: No. We shall take it by force. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: You fail to understand that I cannot simply let you leave with the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. ### oBarkley Huh? I don't want to give it to you. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: We had a deal. You have an obligation to hand it over to us, in exchange for $2500. ### oBarkley Look chump, I changed my mind. Deal with it. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: I will ask again... Remember that Square-Enix-Goya frowns upon those who do not fulfill business transactions. ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: Very well. You will lose your life for your insolence. ### oBarkley I... I don't know Hoopz. ### oHoopz I just hope that when we get rid of this Ultimate B-Ball thing, they realize that it's not b-ball that's the problem, but the people who misuse it. Basketball's not about hurting people. It's about slamming and jamming, right dad? ### oBarkley Yeah, Hoopz... yeah. ### oCyberdwarf We're approaching the Necron 5. I don't know what we to expect once we're inside so everyone be on high alert. ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf, can you come here a second? ### oCyberdwarf Okay... ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf... if anything happens to me, I want you to take care of him. ### oCyberdwarf Barkley, I don't know if I can do that. My basketball skin makes me ill-equipped to be a father. ### oBarkley I'm not asking you to be a father, Cyberdwarf. I'm asking you to be a mentor. ### oCyberdwarf If anything happens to you, yes, I will take care of Hoopz. ### oBarkley Thank you, Cyberdwarf. ### oCyberdwarf Prepare for entry into Necron 5... ### oBarkley Moe: Excellent! What traits in particular are you looking for in a partner? ### oFollower2 Applebottom. ### oBarkley Moe: Anything else? ### oFollower2 Only applebottoms. ### oBarkley Moe: Okay, just a moment, let me process your request. ### oBarkley Moe: Hmmm, only one woman matches your request, Ivory Latta, a member of the North Carolina WNBA team. ### oIvory H-hello... ### oFollower2 Sh...she's beautiful... ### oBarkley Moe: You two can talk in the back room. Why don't you go there and get to know each other a little bit better? ### oFollower2 That... that sounds like a good idea... ### oBarkley Moe: Please come back if you ever change your mind! ### oBarkley Necron 5. ### oCyberdwarf What? ### oBarkley Necron 5. The Ultimate B-Ball is on Necron 5. ### oBalthios Barkley, how do you know this? ### oBarkley I don't know... I just... do. I can feel it. I can feel its energy coming from Necron 5. ### oCyberdwarf Are you channeling its power through the Hell B-Ball? ### oBarkley I don't know, I think so. All I know is that it's on Necron 5. ### oHoopz What's Necron 5, Mr. James? ### oBalthios The Necron 5 is an intergalactic slave ship, Hoopz. Those that spoke out against the government during the Purge who weren't executed were put on Necron 5 to do hard labor in the tupperware mines. But even if we know it's on the Necron 5, it's still in outer space. How are we going to get there? ### oCyberdwarf My ship... the one I crashed landed in when I came to this planet. It's south of Neo New York. We can use that. ### oBarkley I thought your ship was destroyed when you came to Earth. That's what you said back in Cesspool X. ### oCyberdwarf It was, but I've been here a long time, Barkley. Long enough to repair my ship. I've wanted to leave this planet for a long time but I've been searching for the b-ball messiah. ### oBarkley Well how do we get to your ship? ### oCyberdwarf We'll have to leave Neo New York and go south. It's not far away and it's not hard to find. ### oBarkley Alright. Then we'll leave for your ship and head to the Necron 5. ### oHoopz Is everything gonna be alright, dad? ### oBarkley I hope so Hoopz. I sure hope so. ### oCyberdwarf Whether your differences are a blessing or a curse have yet to be proven, Hoopz, but I believe that whatever lies ahead of us is waiting for you. ### oHoopz You mean like... ~F.A.T.E.~? ### oCyberdwarf Perhaps... ### oBarkley ???: Charles! ### oBarkley Wh-what? ### oJuwanna Charles... I... I followed you here. ### oBarkley J-Juwanna Mann? ### oJuwanna I needed you to know, Charles that... that I love you with all my heart and bones. ### oBarkley Juwanna... ### oJuwanna I have something for you. It's a whistle. A Dimension Whistle to be exact. One toot on this will send you to the B-Ball Dimension. I... I don't know how it works but you can use it wherever you want and it only works once. ### oBarkley J-Juwanna, I... Thank you. ### oJuwanna No Charles. Thank you. ### oBarkley Juwanna, there's... there's something I want to give you. ### oJuwanna Y-yes? ### oBarkley This turkey feather belonged to Maureen. It means a lot to me, Juwanna Mann. I want you to have it. ### oJuwanna Charles, I can't. ### oBarkley Juwanna, please... Take it. ### oBarkley Lose Zalatar's Precious Turkey Feather! ### oJuwanna Thank you Charles. Will I ever see you again? ### oBarkley I don't know, Juwanna. We're looking for manufacted jamicite and we don't know where to start. ### oJuwanna I'd check Cuchulainn's Tomb if I were you. I've heard there's a large cache of it there. Do you know how to get there? ### oBarkley Not really. ### oJuwanna You'll have to take the Underground Railroad to get there. It's just down the steps, just talk to the conductor. ### oBarkley Juwanna. ### oJuwanna Y-yes? ### oBarkley ...goodbye. ### oJuwanna Goodbye, Charles... Goodbye. ### oBalthios What was that, Barkley? Are you in love? ### oBarkley You know I couldn't do that to Maureen, Balthios. Grow up. ### oBalthios Hahaha, you act tough but you fall for them easily, you know that? ### oBarkley I said- ### oCyberdwarf Enough! We have very little time to get to Cuchulainn's Tomb to get the manufacted jamicite. We need to speak to the conductor of the Underground Railroad immediately. ### oBarkley Right, we can't waste anymore time. Come on, guys. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: It is the Shrekmono, a regular kimono except there is a picture of Shrek on it. I forged it 'twixt the hammer and anvil and it is the one thing I am most proud of, even more than my clan. It is yours, Charles Barkley. Take it. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Take care of it, Charles Barkley, and know that you are now a friend of Duergars all over the globe and beyond. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: These propositions... ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: They benefit nobody... ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Perhaps... perhaps it is better this way. Neither genie nor Duergar holds the upper hand. Perhaps this is true equality, Charles Barkley. Though I struggle to see the wisdom in your decisions, I trust that someday I shall. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: You've done more to set us back than help us, Charles Barkley. You've made a dangerous enemy today. Don't forget that. ### oBarkley Captured $1000 Neo-Shekels! ### oBarkley Mark: You're bastards. You're all filthy, lying, bastards... I'll make sure you're blacklisted from EVERY Gun'sbraster convention there is! ### oBarkley Mark: G.U.N.S... ### oFollower0 Hoopz has the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. equipped. You should take it off him if you want to give Mark the gun. ### oBarkley Mark: G.U.N.S... ### oBarkley Give Mark the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N.? ### oBarkley Mark: Yes... The power... The mystique... I shall not soon forget this, bringer of the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. You will undoubtedly go in the history books for this. ### oBarkley What about my reward? ### oBarkley Mark: Oh, how could I forget? Here it is. ### oBarkley Mark: I won this at the 2038 Gun'sCon for the best gun's collection. It's all yours now. ### oBarkley What. ### oBarkley Mark: Treasure it. That is the closest you will ever come to becoming a true guns'braster... ### oBarkley Mark: I shall make my leave now. ### oFollower0 Let's never mention this again... ### oBarkley I shouldn't use this now... ### oBarkley I don't think this is going to work. ### oFollower0 Give it a toot and let's see what happens. ### oBarkley Toot the Dimension Whistle? ### oBarkley Alright, here goes... ### oBarkley Huh? ### oFollower0 Charles, look out! ### oBarkley Maybe some other time. ### oBarkley I shouldn't use this now... ### oBarkley Let's rub the genie lamp and see what happens... ### oBarkley Kazaam: Who dare to wake me? Ain't gonna mame this a mystery. Don't wanna do time on your wish. Watch it, boy! You don't want to dis me! Or I'll dish out my misery. Now. Who's that sorry wanna-be that disturbed my Z's? If you wanna be number one, I'm sorry boy, that's been done! But if you got the itches for a sack of riches don't matter how avaricious, I'm the man that can grant your wishes! Hey, don't turn your butt on me! I'm the man of the ages, straight out of the pages. Hang on! I'm contagious, outrageous, spontaneous! You can't contain this. I am KAZAAM! ### oFollower2 Holy Clispaeth! It's Kazaam. ### oBarkley Kazaam: I am... Kazaam! ### oFollower0 Wow Barkley, I've heard about this Djinni in my tomes. Since we have summoned Kazaam, we are entitled to a wish. ### oBarkley Kazaam: Make your wish and I'm out of your face, back in my lamp and away from this place. ### oBarkley Ok, I'll wish for... ### oBarkley What do you wish for? ### oBarkley I wish for more power. ### oBarkley Kazaam: So you want more power? Have no worries, this won't take an hour. Slam dunks, pivots, rebounds, and smarts, I'll increase all of these stats off of the charts. Kazaam! And I'm out of this place. ### oBarkley Gained +5 to VP, BP, Power, Guard, Brain, and Speed for all party members! ### oBarkley I wish for more wealth. ### oBarkley Kazaam: You wanna be rich? That ain't a hitch. Go from zero to hero in a flash. What's that you say? All of a sudden, you got $5000 in cash! Kazaam! And I'm out of this place. ### oBarkley $5000 magically appeared in your wallet! ### oBarkley I want more knowledge. ### oBarkley Kazaam: Listen up and listen good, cuz I ain't gonna waste breath. If you act like a no-gooder, selfish and unjust, you're gonna end up in a temple of death. Act like a chump and when you perish, the deathtemple is what you'll least cherish. Kazaam! And I'm out of this place. ### oFollower0 Hmmm, I'm not sure what this means Barkley. I've heard of a Deathtemple in hell, but it's only a myth. Supposedly those who have acted without any moral regard in their lives end up there as a punishment. While I personally do not believe such a place exists, these myths remind us to live virtuously. ### oBarkley It's something to think about, I guess. ### oBarkley God damn I'm tired... ### oBarkley Hoopz must already be in bed. Let's see what's on TV... ### oBarkley The "Ultimate Hellbane" has struck again, this time at the Eastern Motors car company, slaying three men once again with zaubers. ### oBarkley That's it, Hoopz and I are getting the hell out of here, this place has gotten too dangerous. ### oBarkley Ugh,* I'm.*.*.* I'm getting tired... ### oBarkley Z*z*z*z*zzz.... ### oBarkley Television: Oh... oh my god. Man-Manhattan has just been completely destroyed. 10 million people are expected to be dead, with estimates ranging up to 15 million. Dear god, this is the most awful thing I've ever seen in my entire life... I'm... I'm sorry folks but I just wasn't prepared for this... Details are extremely limited right now but the damage was believed to have been caused by a Chaos Dunk... Yes... Yes, it has just been confirmed that the destruction was caused by a Chaos Dunk, meaning that Charles Barkley IS the perpetrator, Barkley being the only human alive capable of performing a Chaos Dunk. It... it doesn't matter if you believe in Krishna, Mohammed, or Clispaeth, now is the time to pray, Neo New York... ### oBarkley ???: There he is! Get him! ### oJordan Charles Barkley, you are under arrest for performing a Chaos Dunk that killed 15 million people and associating with B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Give yourself up or we will be forced to terminate you. ### oBarkley Wh-what? What's going on? Jordan, why are you here? Where's Hoopz? What's happening? ### oJordan You are under arrest for performing a Chaos Dunk! Surrender yourself or face the consequences! ### oBarkley Wh-what? I didn't do a Chaos Dunk! Jordan, you know damn well I swore never to perform another Chaos Dunk 12 years ago! ### oJordan 12 years is a long enough time to change your mind. Men, arrest him! ### oBarkley I-I didn't do it Jordan! This is a mistake! I don't know anything about B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. ### oJordan You're a sick, sick little man, Barkley. I gave you time to get over Maureen and b-ball, but I guess that just wasn't enough. I mean... You've got a kid, Barkley. I thought you'd grown up... Execute this bastard. ### oBarkley You son of a bitch, Jordan! ### oBarkley Enable Victorian Steampunk Mode? ### oBarkley Television: Breaking news just in! A killing spree has been reported... ### oBalthios Television: The cloaked octoroon, known only as "Ultimate Hellbane" has struck again, this time killing two men in the NNY Mall. Police reported signs of zauber use and Ultimate Hellbane is believed to have connections with the terrorist organization B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. ### oBarkley Crime everywhere... This city is going to hell. Hoopz, I don't want you going outside tonight. ### oHoopz Awww, dad. ### oBalthios I... I must take my leave now. ### oHoopz Bye Mr. James. ### oBalthios ...Goodbye, Hoopz. ### oBalthios Mr. Jordan... ### oJordan Mr. James... ### oBarkley Jordan... What are you doing here... ### oJordan That's a nice way to greet a friend, Charles. Heh, I was just in the neighborhood and thought I heard some... dribbling. ### oBarkley You have absolutely no grounds to come into this house, Michael. You know that. ### oJordan Really now? You were an all-star baller and I heard dribbling. I have every right to come in thanks to the B-ball Confiscation Act. Or are you saying I don't have that right? ### oBarkley I'm saying you're a son of a bitch, Jordan. ### oJordan Hahahaha! I'll play your game, Barkley. This time. ### oBarkley ... ### oJordan Oh, and Hoopz. ### oHoopz Yeah? ### oJordan Keep practicing. ### oHoopz ...... ### oBarkley Hoopz, I'm going out to get some medicine. ### oHoopz Okay dad. ### oHoopz You okay, dad? ### oBarkley Yeah, Hoopz. I'm gonna be okay. ### oBarkley Warning: The game you are about to play is canon. ### oBarkley The year is 2053. Basketball is dead. ### oBarkley My name is Charles Barkley. I am one of the last b-ball stars alive. ### oBarkley In 2041, basketball was made illegal and almost all b-ballers were massacred in what is now known as "The Great B-Ball Purge". I lived, but I lost my reason for living. B-ball was gone. ### oBarkley I live in the post-cyberpocalyptic ruins of Neo New York with my 12 year old son Hoopz. I've given him all I can but sometimes I wonder if it's enough... ### oHoopz Dad! Dad! Watch this! ### oBalthios Impressive, Hoopz. Your dribbling has gotten much better in the past few weeks. ### oBalthios That's Balthios, the octoroon great grandson of Lebron James. He doesn't like to talk about himself, but he's a good guy. ### oHoopz Right dad? I've gotten better, huh dad? ### oHoopz Dad? ### oBarkley Huh? Oh, uh. Yeah. Yeah, you've gotten a lot better, son. ### oHoopz What's the matter, dad? ### oBarkley Nothing, Hoopz. I was just... Just thinking. ### oHoopz Thinking about b-ball, huh? ### oBarkley Yeah, that's it... I was thinking about b-ball... Hoopz, why don't you go play some vidcons? I want to speak to Mr. James for a moment. ### oHoopz Sure dad. Thanks for the dribbling tips and wall scrolls, Mr. James. ### oBalthios No sweat, kid. Keep on practicing though. ### oHoopz Sure will! ### oBalthios You were thinking about her again, weren't you Charles? ### oBarkley Hmm? ### oBalthios Maureen. You were thinking about Maureen, weren't you? ### oBarkley He reminds me so much of her. The way he moves, his enthusiasm for the game, his eyes... ### oBalthios You still blame yourself for what happened. ### oBarkley Yeah, Balthios. Yeah I do. And it won't happen ever again. I... I just can't stand knowing that all of this... everything... could be different. ### oBalthios Barkley, you don't need to... ### oBarkley Yeah, Balthios... I know, but I swear on her grave that nobody will ever suffer a Chaos Dunk again... ### oBarkley Neo New York is a base and disgusting city... ### oBalthios You know... I don't think Vinceborg is one of the bad guys. There's a distinct difference between him and Jordan. ### oBarkley What do you mean, Balthios? ### oBalthios Jordan is a malicious old bastard who is trying to get you for whatever perverted definition of justice he believes in. He's a son of a bitch and sick person. Vince... He was a good guy. ### oBarkley He was one of my best friends before the Purge. ### oBalthios That's right. Even though he's a cyborg programmed to kill us, he's still Vince Carter. I'm sure there's some way we can get him to remember who he is, remember that he's not a robot... ### oBalthios There's got to be some way we can reach Vince, get it to him that he's not one of the bad guys... ### oBarkley Think about it, Balthios. ### oBalthios Yeah Charles... I will. ### oHoopz Heya dad. You okay? You're looking kinda pale. ### oHoopz Thanks for saving me, dad. I don't know what Mr. Jordan would have done to me if you didn't come but... but he's not a good man, dad. ### oBarkley I know, Hoopz. He's one of the bad guys and I promise I won't let him do anything to you. ### oHoopz Thanks dad. I knew I could count on you. ### oHoopz I think we should get going, dad. ### oBarkley You're right. Let's move on. ### oBarkley My collection of CDs. At least jazz hasn't been outlawed yet... ### oBarkley Here's a copy of my book "Who's Afraid of a Big Black Man?". I wrote it back before the Great B-ball Pur......... ### oBarkley A copy of "I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It." This was my first book. ### oBarkley Not much in here but half a carton of simulated milk and some expired protein paste. ### oBarkley He's finally dead... ### oBarkley This is Hoopz's bed. I sleep on the couch. ### oBarkley All Hoopz does is play vidcons on this computer machine. He should be busy working on his jump shot... Oh wait. Basketball was banned. Sometimes... Sometimes I forget. ### oBarkley Pusher-Man: Hey man, I got the shit you need, just take a look. ### oBarkley Pusher-Man: Get outta here man. ### oBarkley Street Tough: Hey, you want some ecto cooler? I got the best shit there is, don't trust none of them other guys. 35 neo-shekels, that's the best I can do. ### oBarkley Street Tough: Come by any time, my man. ### oBum0 Where the strong bully the weak for what few neo-shekels they've got. ### oBum0 Ruffian 1: Hand over the Neo-Shekels! ### oBum0 Bum: But I need them to buy food..! ### oBum0 Crime is everywhere, weariness and despair behind every corner. ### oBum0 Ruffian 2: Gimme 'em! ### oBum0 Bum: OOF! ### oBum0 Ruffian 1: Ahahaha! C'mon bro, let's get some chups! ### oBum0 Bum: No! My neo-shekels! ### oBarkley Hmm, let's see what's cooking in the oven... A delicious ecto cooler. ### oBarkley Nothing in here... ### oBarkley SUPERCHARGE YOU WEAPON!!! ENHANCE SIZE AND ABILITY!!! NEVER LET YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY DOWN!!! INCREDIBLE GERMAN TECHNOLOGY IN ACTION!!! ### oBarkley I'll have to look into this. ### oBarkley Gus: I heard you yelling at Inspector Jordan upstairs, Barkley. ### oBarkley That son of a bitch... He was the first baller to join the B-ball Removal Department. Did it just to save his own skin. ### oBarkley Gus: He's changed, man. I remember when kids looked up to him. He's become a monster... ### oBarkley Maybe... Maybe I've become the monster. ### oBarkley Gus: What was that? ### oBarkley Nothing Gus... Nothing. ### oBarkley Gus: Take care of yourself, Barkley. The post-cyberpocalypse won't do it for you. ### oLarry Charles, I uh, I haven't seen you in here since the... ### oBarkley Yeah, Larry. That was a long time ago. ### oLarry I don't know what to tell you, Charles. I'm sorry. I know it wasn't your fault. ### oBarkley I don't need your god damned pity, Larry, acting like you give a damn just 'cuz you're a priest now. You don't know shit about what happened and you got no business acting all buddy buddy just 'cuz we used to be friends. Shit's changed, Bird. This ain't the golden age of b-ball anymore. You more than anyone should know this. ### oLarry You think I sold out, Barkley. You think I sold out because I'm not absolutely miserable like you. ### oBarkley You got no place to say that shit, Bird. You think it's fucking easy to raise a kid on my own? You think it's easy to be alone now when I need Maureen more than ever, Bird? ### oLarry Charles, keep your voice down, this is a house of God! ### oBarkley You know damn well it was my fault, Larry. You know all this shit is my fault and you got no place to say otherwise. God damnit man. ### oLarry Why'd you come here Charles? You didn't come here for this. ### oBarkley I... I don't know, Larry. I just kind of wandered in here. Maybe I was thinking about her, I don't know. ### oLarry She was a woman of Clispaeth, Charles. ### oBarkley Clispaeth? God? You think I can believe in that shit now? After all that's happened, you think I can just pray to Clispaeth and everything will be okay? Shit's changed too much..... ### oBarkley I'm uh... I'm gonna go now. ### oLarry Barkley. ### oBarkley What? ### oLarry Don't do anything rash. ### oBarkley Yeah, Larry. Yeah. ### oLarry My condolences, Mr. Barkley... ### oBarkley Wrinkled Woman: The other side's warmer. ### oBarkley What's that supposed to mean? ### oBarkley Wrinkled Woman: I mean the heating ducts are on the other side. Nowadays, the only reason people come here is to get away from the cold, it seems. Definitely not for the teachings of Clispaeth, at any rate. Sometimes I feel like the last believer on Earth. If only they would let him into their hearts... what do you think, son? ### oBarkley About what? Clispaeth? I couldn't care less. This rotten city is hell enough to deal with. I don't got the time to worry about another one waiting for me down the road. I got a son to take care of. I look out for him. I don't got the time to give a damn about your God. ### oBarkley Wrinkled Woman: That's... that's blasphemy! Clispaeth is a loving God, I assure you, but I still think it unwise to tempt his wrath. ### oBarkley Then so be it. If Clispaeth exists, he's already taken enough from me. I'd like to see him try for any more. ### oBarkley Wrinkled Woman: You really should watch the way you speak to Father Bird, you know. He's a great man. This church would've been demolished by now if it weren't for him. Sure we don't have many patrons, but I'm sure even you wouldn't want to see our homeless out on the streets. Without Bird, this place would have surely been lost. ### oBarkley Wrinkled Woman: It's never too late to let Clispaeth's light into your heart. ### oBarkley Try it on the bums, lady. Your God's got nothing for me. ### oBarkley Zzzz... B-ball... Zzzz... ### oBarkley Insufficient science points: failed to hack the vending machine. ### oBarkley A vending machine. What do you want to do? ### oBarkley Is... is this what I think it is? ### oFollower0 Yes, a relic from old times to be sure. From what I have studied, I would assume the massive amounts of b-ball neutrinos created from the first Chaos Dunk lie dormant in the machine as a sort of power source. ### oBarkley What? ### oFollower0 It still works. ### oBarkley Alright, let's check this out. ### oBarkley A vending machine. What do you want to do? ### oBarkley Soldier: Move along, citizen. ### oBarkley Bum: Please... help me... just one more chicken fry... ### oBarkley Bum: I understand this... but my fingers don't... ### oBarkley Bum: Vincenzo... Vincenzo where are you... ... Vincenzo? ### oBarkley Bum: B...b... ... bo... bob your head... ### oBarkley Bum: I have pet every animal in... ALL directions... ### oBarkley Bum: You didn't live in 1950 and nobody did... not the 1950... ### oBarkley Bum: I... hate the taste of cherries... ### oBarkley Bum: This... is more than I expected at the outset... ### oBarkley Bum: Your... naked eye... ### oBarkley Bum: The maelstrom brought me back. ### oBarkley Bum: It is only natural for... a supple young boy like yourself... ### oBarkley Woman: You ever hear about the Chaos Dunk? They say it's as powerful as a 150 megaton nuclear blast and the only man ever capable of performing it was Charles Barkley. It's the reason basketball was banned. ### oBarkley Yeah... Yeah, I've heard of it... ### oBarkley Woman: They say we're supposed to be worried about the Ultimate Hellbane but I think Charles Barkley is the real menace. I never understood why they didn't finish him off in the Great B-ball Purge. ### oBarkley Probably so he could live the rest of his life in guilt and shame... ### oBarkley Pump: Ahhh, console video games (or vidcons as I call them), the ultimate medium of expression, able to convey any emotion ranging from hatred to love, loyalty to fear, all in front of our eyes. Ah, and with lovingly crafted art, music, and the ability to control the action, vidcons are the ultimate combination of the high arts. While I tend to play the stoic, I will be the first to admit that vidcons have driven me to cry, to scream and shout, to feel actual hate; such is the power of this force beyond our wildest reckoning. And here I am, before you, to tempt your tongues with the taint of such a tantalizing topic. And the Japanese, the true geniuses behind the world of video games. Pah, I throw my scorn upon such incompetents of the West who would mock the true art of the Japanese with 'games' such as Baldur's Gate and Madden. Perhaps it is that the West is not as intelligent as the East, but this is a matter for another day. Japan has given us such masterpieces as the Final Fantasy series, Star Ocean, Wild Arms, and of course, Arc the Lad. Yes, some of the finest vidcons in the world were created by Japanese. I come to you today to ask you in all earnesty, what is your favorite vidcon? I will reveal mine after the grand debate has illustriously begun, but not before the first poster falls victim to my plot of discussion. ### oBarkley Homeless Man: It's so... Cold out here... ### oBarkley What are you doing outside, man? The church is right there, they've got a heater. Go on in. ### oBarkley Homeless Man: Yeah, I know. I was just in there. I just... I hate spending all day in there, you know? I feel like a fucking leech. I just got no place else to go. There are some guys that sleep in there. I can't do that. Yeah, I hate the cold... Just every minute I spend in there I feel more useless... Heh, I know I must sound like a fool. ### oBarkley Hey, it ain't my problem. Do what you want. ### oBarkley Homeless Man: Alright... I guess I'll see you. ### oBarkley Homeless Man: I'll be alright... Don't want to go in there just yet. ### oBarkley Damn Bird thinks he's making a difference. Shit's never gonna be the same around here. ### oBarkley That tree ain't ever gonna be green again. ### oBarkley Kids going to the b-ball court ain't ever gonna happen. ### oBarkley And Chin's shop ain't ever gonna be like it used to either. ### oBarkley Shit's never gonna be like it was... ### oBarkley I'm starting to see things... I better get some medicine from Chin's shop then get back home and catch some Z's. ### oBarkley I'm starting to see things... I better get home and catch some Z's. ### oBarkley Hoodlum: Man, you ever been to Jickleberg? All the chicken fries you could want, and it's all legal. Thing is, the list for passports out of this shithole is backed up for years. I'll probably be dead before my name comes up. It's a damn shame, you know that? And the women there, man. I've heard some stories you wouldn't believe... god damn it, man, look where you got me going! I need a chicken fry to take my mind off this. I'll be alright long as I got my babies... long as I got my chicken fries. ### oBarkley Vagrant: You wouldn't know from the way I look but I used to be a Square-Enix-Goya executive. I disagreed with the new aggressive marketing campaign and they took it all away... my house, my car... my family. Now look at me. A lousy bum on the street. ### oBarkley Spare me, chump. The post-cyberpocalypse has spelled tough times for everyone. Everyone's got a sob story, and telling me yours ain't gonna do a damn thing. ### oBarkley Vagrant: Whatever. You know what, you're just like those pigs at Square-Enix-Goya. Concerned only with themselves and their own wallets. ### oBarkley Vagrant: Sometimes I think if we all stuck together the world wouldn't be like this. The guy over there says this used to be a basketball court. I don't know if I believe him, but I can't get that image out of my head. Right in broad daylight, b-ball teams practicing, passing back and forth. That's what we need to get out of this shit we're in. Not b-ball, I never really dug it. Just some kind of cooperation. Some teamwork. I doubt you'd understand something like that though. ### oBarkley ... ### oBarkley Vagrant: Ah forget it. Get lost, man. ### oBarkley Dealer: You look like you need a hit of some chups. I got the cheapest stuff in town. ### oBarkley Dealer: Alright man, take care of yourself. ### oBarkley Man: This parking lot? They say it used to be a basketball court. That must have been a sight. People playing b-ball in public. Pretty wild, huh? ### oBarkley You've got no idea. Before the Great B-ball Purge this place would be packed. Fans on the sidelines, ballers playing pick-up games till dusk. Hell, sometimes they'd have games going until they shut the lights off, even after. It was a different time, a diff... ### oBarkley Man: Whoa pal, I'm gonna stop you right there. I ain't no sportlover, and I don't like where this conversation's headed. There's cops around and you don't know who's listening. Beat it before you say something we're both gonna regret. ### oBarkley Man: I thought I told you to beat it. I'm not going to jail 'cause of your sportloving ass. ### oBarkley Soldier: Move along, citizen. ### oBarkley Soldier: Move along, citizen. ### oBarkley Soldier: Move along, citizen. ### oBarkley Soldier: Move along, citizen. ### oBarkley Soldier: Move along, citizen. ### oBarkley Soldier: Move along, citizen. ### oBarkley G-god damnit! ### oBarkley Soldier: Give yourself up, Barkley! ### oBarkley No way in hell! ### oBarkley Soldier: Huh?! The damn kid stole my vintage Goya Cannon Mk II! After him! ### oBarkley Soldier: This is the end of the line, Barkley. You've got no choice but to surrender and tell us what you know about B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. ### oJordan Barkley, this is your last chance to surrender and tell us everything you know about B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Think of your son... ### oBarkley H-Hoopz... You wouldn't dare hurt him, Jordan! You god damned coward, you wouldn't dare hurt him! ### oJordan Surrender... and it won't come to that. ### oBarkley Okay... Okay... I'll give myse- ### oBarkley ???: Don't do it, Charles! ### oJordan W-*what? ### oBarkley ???: Barkley, this way! ### oJordan Damnit Barkley... You've gotten away this time... But you're a wanted man now. There won't be a next time. ### oBarkley Guy: Saw your fight against Kevin Garnett. Did him in good. ### oBarkley He wasn't too tough. How'd you do? ### oBarkley Guy: I got beat a couple rounds in, but damn man, it's a good thing I didn't end up against you. I hate to say it but your tactics are unlimited. ### oBarkley Well if you can't slam with the best, then jam with the rest. ### oBarkley Guy: I trained all year for the Festival Tournament, I have to win. I don't care what they say about Kevin Garnett, he looks like a real scrub. ### oBarkley I don't know. I met with Kevin on the b-ball court a few times and he sure knows how to hold his own. ### oBarkley Guy: Yeah, well this ain't b-ball. I'm gonna kick his ass and get the prize. ### oBarkley Good luck with that, I guess. ### oBarkley Guy: Kevin Garnett's got nothing on me. No way am I losing to that chump. ### oBarkley Soldier: Move along, citizen. ### oBarkley Wh-what the hell is going on? Who are you? Where is Hoopz? ### oHellbane ???: I... I do not think I can fully explain what is happening. There is someone I'd like you to meet, someone who can make some sense of this to you. ### oBarkley No! You're gonna tell me what the hell is happening right now or I'm gonna... I... I'm gonna do something I'll regret. ### oHellbane ???: I will tell you this much, Barkley. No matter what happens, I am on your side. ### oBarkley That doesn't mean anything to me! I have no idea who you are! For all I know, you could be the Ultimate Hellbane! ### oHellbane ???: I... Am the Ultimate Hellbane. ### oBarkley What!? What the hell? What the hell is going on! I don't know nothin' about no B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. and I sure as hell don't want nothing to do with it! What the hell is this? ### oHellbane Barkley, the men I killed... I... I am not a murderer. They were agents of B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. I'm not a terrorist and I'm not one of the bad guys... I'm here to help you because... Because I know you're innocent and I believe the same people that wronged me so long ago are the ones that are trying to hurt you. ### oBarkley What's that supposed to mean? I'm supposed to believe you now just 'cause you think I'm innocent? Hell no, you're a murderer and I don't want nothing to do with this shit! ### oHellbane Charles, please! You... you need to believe me. Just before Jordan came for you I... I took Hoopz somewhere safe. Somewhere Jordan and B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. can't get him. ### oBarkley Hoopz is... Safe? ### oHellbane He's at the church, Barkley, with Bird. They can't get him there. ### oBarkley I'll... I'll listen. ### oHellbane I'm here to help you, Barkley. I can't tell you who I am right now, but I know that you didn't do it. I know you've got to be a little confused and there are a lot of questions you want answered... There's someone I think you should meet that can help you, Barkley. You've made enemies tonight and you're going to need all the help you can get. Please, Barkley... Please believe me. ### oBarkley I... I don't understand what's going on at all but if... you can help me... I'll take any help I can get. ### oHellbane We're going to need to move fast. There's no doubt in my mind that both Jordan and B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. are looking for us. We'll need to make haste. ### oBarkley Wait! Where are we? ### oHellbane These are the B-Ball Catacombs, the final resting place of some of history's greatest ballers. It's... It's an ancient site but it's been used up until- ### oBarkley The... Purge... ### oHellbane We... Should make haste. ### oBarkley Yes, let's get going. ### oHellbane One more thing... I have some Battler's Tomes you might want to read before venturing forward. You can check them in your item pouch. ### oBarkley Kid, what are you doing out here at night? You should be at home. ### oBarkley Kid: ... ### oBarkley Kid, can you hear me? You should be at home. ### oBarkley Kid: ... ### oBarkley I'm uh, I'm sorry kid. ### oBarkley Give the kid a neo-shekel? ### oBarkley I got nothing for you, kid. ### oBarkley What's this? A sarcophagus? ### oHellbane Yes, Barkley. This is the final resting place of a baller long lost to the annals of history. In my spare time I like to study the inscriptions around the sarcophagii and glean as much knowledge as I can about the ballers that reside within them. I'm a bit of a b-ball historian, you see. ### oBarkley So what have you learned from them? ### oHellbane Oh, this and that. Mostly they are about shoes or incredible plays, nothing particularly amazing. There has been one I've been struggling with recently though. It goes into quite specific detail about a disaster that will take place in 2053. It has to be a mistranslation or a bad calculation, there is almost no way this could happen... ### oBarkley Like the Chaos Dunk in Manhattan? ### oHellbane No, no. Don't get me wrong, this is a tragedy but... But what I've been reading... It can only only spell the disaster of mankind. ### oBarkley I... I see. ### oHellbane No... I don't think you do. ### oBarkley ... ### oHellbane We should move on... ### oBarkley The sarcophagus... It's... open. ### oHellbane Yes, Barkley... Ancient b-ball magics haunt these halls, causing the dead to rise. ### oBarkley Is that a joke? Are you trying to bamboozle me? ### oHellbane The joke's on you if you choose not to believe me. But forget it, Barkley. You're an old man stuck in your ways. You'll soon see the truth... ### oBarkley We'll see about that... ### oHellbane This tomb belongs to the b-ball allstar Magic Johnson. I was never fortunate enough to see it, Barkley, but the texts state that the two of you had a number of terriffic showdows. I believe the phrase that would have been used in your times was that you "rocked the house". ### oBarkley I can see you're no greenhorn when it comes to pre-21st century b-ball vernacular and colloquialisms. ### oHellbane I shall... Take that as a compliment. ### oHellbane This is the final resting place of Muggsy Bogues, one of the finest point guards in basketball history. ### oBarkley He was more than just a good point guard... He was a good friend. I-I was responsible for his death. He was one of the first killed in the Great B-Ball Purge. I never got to say goodbye... ### oBarkley Wh-what's this? Did a tear just come from the sarcophagus? ### oBarkley Th-thank you Muggsy... Thank you. ### oBarkley Thank you old friend... Goodbye. ### oBarkley What does this one say? ### oHellbane It says "Here lies Patrick Ewing, born a slave, died a starting center". ### oBarkley Truer words have... never been spoken. Just before the Great B-Ball Purge, he said that I was like a brother to him, like the little brother he never had... He was my best friend. Patrick, I... I just wanted to say goodbye one last time... ### oBarkley Wh-what? What is this? ### oBarkley Farewell Patrick... Thank you old friend. ### oBarkley This sarcophagus... It's exactly seven feet, six inches tall. This... This has to belong to- ### oHellbane Yes, Shawn Bradley. ### oBarkley I was going through a difficult period of my life and... and I wasn't so sure I could trust white people. Shawn... Shawn helped me out and made me realize that it's not on the outside that matters... But the inside. ### oHellbane He was a good center, Barkley, but he was a better man. ### oBarkley Goodbye, Shawn... Thank you for everything... ### oBarkley Wait... What's this? ### oBarkley Thank you Shawn... for everything. ### oHellbane This is the tomb of Larry Johnson... ### oBarkley L-Larry... I... I've never seen a man slam like he did. He'd get this look in his eye, this wild look that told you that something was up, and then out of nowhere he'd snatch that ball and slam it like a true mamma jamma. There was so much I could have learned from him... ### oHellbane There was a lot we all could have learned from him, Barkley, but there's no looking back. We can regret our mistakes for all our lives or we can keep moving forward like he would have wanted. ### oBarkley You-you're right. We always have to keep moving forward no matter how bad it hurts... ### oBarkley Wait, what's this? ### oBarkley Thank you Larry... and... Goodbye... ### oBarkley Larry... Thank you... ### oHellbane You... Recognize her, don't you Barkley? ### oBarkley Teresa, the patron saint of slams and jams... But what's that got to do with me now? ### oHellbane These truly are dark times we're living in if you've forgotten your former mistress of b-ball, Teresa. ### oBarkley That shit doesn't matter anymore, there's no place for b-ball in this world. I don't see the glory of slams and jams when I see this statue... I see only broken dreams and hollow memories. ### oHellbane So be it... ### oBarkley There's no reason to stand around and gawk at it. ### oBarkley Is this another statue of the Ultimate B-Ball? ### oHellbane Yes, Barkley. The ring around it symbolizes the ring of friendship formed when Michael Jordan helped the Looney Tunes defeat the Monstars in the Space Jam. The power of the Ultimate B-Ball is revered by ballers, but also feared. They recognized the unlimited potential of a ball containing the abilities of the best ballers ever, but also knew that if the ball got into the wrong hands, the damage could be irreparable. ### oBarkley Don't give me a history lesson, I was at the Space Jam, I was part of the ball. I know firsthand the immeasurable power that ball contained. Don't patronize me. ### oHellbane You are correct, you don't need a history lesson. Let's move on. ### oHellbane We should move on. We don't have much time. ### oBarkley It's open... ### oHellbane Watch where you step, Barkley. Slam phantoms or zomballers could be anywhere... Even beneath us. ### oBarkley I'll... Keep that in mind. ### oHellbane Watch your step, Barkley. The footing isn't so stable. ### oBarkley O-okay... ### oBarkley What is this pool? ### oHellbane This pool commemorates the lives of all of the ballers who were never seen again after the Great B-Ball Purge. Men like Shaquille O'Neal, Ron Artest, and even the great Hakeem Olajuwon. Although they were never found, all of their fates are almost certain... ### oBarkley All of this... This is my fault. This is my fault because of the Chaos Dunk. If I were never born, these great men would have never had to- ### oHellbane Barkley, get a hold of yourself! You can't keep blaming yourself for something that was entirely out of your control! ### oBarkley The guilt I've been living with... The Chaos Dunk... Hellbane, my greatness at the one thing I loved most is what not only ruined it, but ended the lives of so many great ballers. It's like... Fate chose me to end the greatest era of man, to herald the Cyberpocalypse. When basketball died, so did the comaraderie it birthed. When basketball died, so too did the goodwill and hope that it fostered. The Great B-Ball Purge wasn't the death of basketball... It was the death of mankind. ### oHellbane Something you said struck me, Barkley. ### oBarkley What? ### oHellbane You said that fate chose you. ### oBarkley Yes? ### oHellbane Maybe you're right, Barkley. Maybe fate did choose you to destroy b-ball. Maybe fate chose you to end the greatest game that mankind has ever been given. But I don't think so. I think that fate chose you for something far greater. I think fate chose you to redeem b-ball, to give it a clean slate and fresh start. Right before the purge, Barkley, b-ball lost sight of the two most important parts of the game... Slams and jams. It stopped being about the slams and instead, the neo-shekels. It stopped being about the jams and about the endorsements. I don't think of you as a devil, Charles Barkley. I think of you as an angel. ### oBarkley Who... Who are you? ### oHellbane I can't tell you now but... but you will soon understand. Come on, we've got to get moving. ### oBarkley Yeah... You're right. ### oBarkley What's this? A statue of the Ultimate Ball? ### oHellbane Yes, Barkley. This statue particuarly interests me because of an incredible power it has. ### oBarkley P-power... What power is that? ### oHellbane Touch it, Barkley. ### oBarkley A-amazing! I feel my b-ball energy returning to me as we speak! This is incredible! ### oHellbane Yes, Barkley. This statue restores the b-ball energies to those who touch it. It is quite an amazing artifact, one that I have studied quite extensively and still cannot find an answer to. Although perplexing, though, it seems to have no ill effects. We can use it as we please. ### oBarkley The ancient ballers... They were... Amazing... ### oBarkley B-ball energies restored! ### oHellbane That... That was a tough fight. May you find rest in the B-Ball Dimension, lost spirit. ### oBarkley Rest... Rest in peace, wandering ref... ### oHellbane Barkley, wait. ### oBarkley What? ### oHellbane Don't you feel that? All that b-ball energy concentrated into one place? ### oBarkley I don't feel anything... ### oHellbane It's the spirit of a ref trapped in this dimension that's trying to get to the B-Ball Dimension. It's incredibly powerful. ### oBarkley I don't... feel anything, Hellbane. ### oHellbane Well you're about to! Here it comes! ### oBarkley K-Kobe... I... I just killed Kobe Bryant... ### oHellbane He was already dead, Barkley... ### oBarkley I know that but... But that look in his eye. Even in death, he had that baller look, that "I'm gonna dunk that ball so hard" look... That was Kobe... ### oHellbane I'm... I'm sorry Barkley. ### oBarkley No man should have to ever do that... I'm sorry Kobe... I'm sorry. ### oHellbane Inside this sarcophagus is the mummy of Kobe Bryant, one of the greatest players the Lakers ever had. ### oBarkley He was an amazing baller, Hellbane. He thought a lot of himself, but he had good reason to. He was one of the best. ### oHellbane That's right, but- ### oBarkley ???: BRAINS! ### oBarkley Look out! He's coming out of his sarcophagus! ### oBarkley Forgive me, Kobe... ### oBarkley What is this statue? ### oHellbane It is not a statue, Barkley. It is a canopic urn filled with the entrails of one of the pre-historic ballers. The early ballers believed that if they put their internal organs in urns after death, their souls would find rest in the b-ball dimension. ### oBarkley That's a ridiculous thing to believe... ### oHellbane You have to remember that the early ballers were primitive peoples that used the gods to explain life and natural phenomenon. For example, one inscription states that the ancient b-ball players believed that thunder was the result of the gods playing basketball in the sky. ### oBarkley Hmph, I wonder what Clispaeth would say about that... ### oHellbane I do not know. Many of these ballers were buried before the time of Clispaeth... Let's go. ### oHellbane You know- ### oBarkley Spare me the history lesson, we've gotta move. ### oHellbane This urn in particular... This urn baffles me. ### oBarkley Why is that? ### oHellbane This is the urn of a baller, one G.W. Carver or somesuch, who lived during the Cyberpocalypse. Now that's nothing out of the ordinary, there were hundreds, if not thousands of ballers then, but one particularly interesting inscription on the urn reads "slammed for the cycle of 100 suns." ### oBarkley What's so interesting about that? ### oHellbane This man lived in the era of the Cyberpocalypse, Barkley. If what the hieroglyphics state is true, then the book of b-ball may need to be rewritten. The slam was not said to have been invented until nigh on into the Post-Cyberpocalypse. This G.W. Carver could very well be the originator of slams and jams. At the very least, this could confirm the existence of the slam in that era. ### oBarkley A-amazing... ### oHellbane There is one hieroglyphic I can't quite decipher though. It seems to be a legume of some sort. I can only make this statement based on conjecture, but I believe it to be an ancient symbol of power. ### oBarkley Perhaps the world will never know... ### oBarkley G.W. Carver... A name I'll have to remember... ### oBarkley This urn seems to be missing a few pieces. ### oHellbane That's true, Barkley. Most of the relics in this ancient tomb are destroyed or damaged beyond recognition. It's a shame, there's so much we could have unlocked, so many secrets about the ancient ballers, perhaps even learned a few of the "Forbidden Dunks". ### oBarkley Forbidden dunks? What are they? ### oHellbane The Forbidden Dunks were moves that were banned over time because of the threat to the stability of the NBA they presented. One such "Verboten Jam" was the Hypno Dunk, a slam that could literally lull all onlookers to sleep. You can imagine why these moves were banned from the league. ### oBarkley The... power. The incredible power... But texts detailing the performance of these moves still exist, right? ### oHellbane Yes Barkley, but don't get any ideas... ### oBarkley We'd better keep moving. ### oHellbane Agreed. ### oBarkley Pump: It has come to my attention that in certain circles, simian-minded individuals are refering to vidcons as 'vid cons', ignorantly placing a space between 'vid' and 'con'. Perhaps their brains have dulled by years of Madden and Quake, rather than mentally invigorating games such as Arc the Lad and Growlanser, because even a child could tell that placing a space between the 'vid' and 'con' in vidcon is perhaps more profoundly philistine than a certain American administration that need not be named. Placing a space in vidcon completely belittles the meaning of the word and displays the user's blatantly miniscule intellect and misunderstanding of the basic precepts of grammar. Vidcon is a perfect marriage of the words console and video game, creating a short and effective portmanteau that quickly and accurately labels mentioned objects and anybody who does not immediately recognize 'vid con' as absolutely outrageous clearly lacks the mental faculties to correctly operate a vidcon other than perhaps FIFA Sports. I make this point because I have recently been belligerently barraged by imbecillic 'vid con' references that unnerve me to no end and have taken it upon myself to correct the damage that your poor Western education (though this is a subject to be discussed on a later date) has wrought upon you. You should personally thank me that I did not see it fit to correct your preponderous mistake in Japanese, because I am thoroughly positive your neanderthal mind would be incapable of deciphering the Hiragana from the Katakana. ### oBarkley It's locked. It's just the maintenance closet. ### oBarkley Pump: It should be no surprise to anyone with a passing familiarity with vidcons that pocky is the ideal food to snack on when playing mentioned object (although 'playing' is an inappropriate word, because you experience, rather than play, a vidcon; I shall use 'playing' for the sake of simplicity). For those ignorant to the intricacies of this fine Japanese cuisine, imagine a delicate stick of sweetened bread about the width and length of a chopstick, its tip coated in the richest chocolate imaginable. The bold flavor of the chocolate is complimented by the small nuts that caress the tip, creating a culinary juxtaposition of sweetness and saltiness that can only have been hatched in the mind of a chef versed in the subtle paradoxes of Eastern cooking. They are light and easy to eat and hold, useful for vidconning on the go, and their sugar content add that extra boost for late night vidcons. Therefore, pocky has garnered itself the precious title of "Ultimate Vidcon Snack". Perhaps the only drawback of pocky is its limited availability in the West, though this cannot be attributed to the snack itself, but the infuriating baboons that think they are running grocery stores. ### oBarkley The ball in the center... That is- ### oHellbane Yes, Barkley, THE Ball. Rather, it is not the actual ball you were trapped in during the Space Jam, but it is a scale representation of it. I studied both this statue and this tomb extensively in my research and have found it to be quite fascinating. This is the crypt of Muggsy Bogues and Patrick Ewing. ### oBarkley They were both in the ball with me... They were close friends of mine before the purge. Sometimes I... I miss them. ### oHellbane ... The ball. It contained massive powers. Of course, you knew this. You were inside of it, you were its source of power. There's... Something I've always wanted to ask you Barkley. What was it like to be trapped inside a b-ball? ### oBarkley I... I don't remember much. It was dark and I remember feeling so weak... So weak... But then again, they were harvesting my b-ball energy. ### oHellbane There is no doubt in my mind that once the Monstars won the Space Jam, they would have used the ball for ill purposes, possibly even... ### oBarkley Enough! Let's move on. ### oHellbane Wait! What's this? ### oBarkley There's no reason to stand around and look at this statue. It'll only bring back... Painful memories... ### oHellbane No, Barkley! There's no turning back! ### oBarkley But... But Hoopz! ### oHellbane You'll have to trust me Barkley, he's safe. Come on, we've got to get moving. ### oBarkley O-okay... ### oBarkley We... We did it... We managed to beat the B-Ball Monster... ### oHellbane For a minute there, I didn't think we'd make it. ### oBarkley Are you kidding Balthios? With the way you used those zaubers, it's no wonder they call you the Ultimate Hellbane. ### oHellbane Heh, I could be better... Hey, what's this? ### oBarkley It... It looks like a basketball... ### oHellbane This... This looks like my great grandfather's basketball. It wasn't here just a second ago, Barkley. It must be his final farewell to you. He treasured his b-ball more than anything, Charles. You'd better use it wisely. ### oBarkley I will, Balthios. I will. ### oBarkley He said we should look for a cyberdwarf. What's that? ### oHellbane More like WHO'S that, Barkley. He's an old friend of my great grandfather's and someone who could help us out greatly. Come on, we'd better get moving or Jordan will catch us. ### oBarkley Yeah, you're right. ### oHellbane This is it, Barkley. This is where I wanted to take you. ### oBarkley Wh-what is this place? ### oHellbane A sacred baller tomb... Hold on, Barkley, he's coming through! ### oBarkley Huh!? Hellbane! Who's he?! ### oHellbane ???: ... ### oHellbane This is the tomb of my great grandfather... Lebron James. ### oBarkley Ultimate Hellbane! That means you're... ### oHellbane Yes, that's right. I'm Balthios. ### oBarkley Wh-why didn't you tell me Balthios? If I had known... ### oHellbane I didn't think you could handle it Barkley. People say I'm B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S., that I'm a terrorist and a murderer. I couldn't let my best friend think that of me... But that's not why I brought you here. I want you to meet... My great grandfather. ### oBaller Charles... ### oBarkley Lebron! What... What happened? I haven't seen you since the purge. ### oBaller That... seems like so long ago, Charles. I don't have much time left. I can feel the doors of the B-Ball Dimension slowly closing so I must speak quickly. Listen carefully Barkley, I will only be able to tell you this once. ### oBarkley Okay Lebron. ### oBaller Dark forces are at foot, Charles. The terrorist organization B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. has some sort of power... Something I... can't quite explain. I am not sure of the nature of this power but I am certain it is profoundly powerful... more powerful than anything this world has ever experienced. You recall the... Space Jam, don't you, Barkley? ### oBarkley The Space Jam? What's that got to do with it? ### oBaller I cannot be certain, Charles, but I believe that B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. has obtained the Ultimate B-Ball, the ball that you and the four other ballers were trapped in, and are using it to... I'm not sure, Barkley. I cannot understand the purposes of a madman, but I can only see evil coming of it. ### oBarkley But... the Ultimate B-Ball lost its powers when Jordan won the Space Jam. ### oBaller That is what I believed as well. It seems, though that some of your power was trapped inside the ball and grew over time; grew to a point that even the Chaos Dunk is usable. Barkley... If there are madmen out there with the ability to use the Chaos Dunk, think of all the people at risk. Think of all the people that have already died because of them. Manhattan is destroyed! ### oBarkley No... I vowed long ago that nobody would ever suffer another Chaos Dunk. Something has to be done... anything. But Lebron, what can we do? ### oBaller M... My time is... fa...ding... I can no l...onger... maintain... the connection.. from the B-Ball Di...mension... L...ook... to the... Cyberdwarf... Look to... the... Cy...ber...dwarf.............. ### oBarkley Goodbye, Lebron... ### oHellbane Barkley, I can hear rumbling. ### oBarkley What the hell is that? ### oHellbane Look out! Here comes a B-Ball Monster! ### oHellbane B-Ball Monster: B-BAAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSS! ### oBarkley ???: BLEEP BLOOP BLIP BLIP! ### oBarkley What the hell is this? It looks like some kind of robot or something. ### oFollower0 I can't tell if it's functioning properly or if it's just making noises. ### oBarkley Yeah, let's leave this hunk of scrap metal and keep going. ### oBarkley ???: Correction: I am a cyborg! ### oBarkley What!? ### oBarkley ???: You said that I was a robot. I corrected you, I am a cyborg! My name is... Scanning memory chip for name... Error: cannot find name. ### oBarkley Hmmm... Well your jersey has the number 15 on it. That was Vince Carter's number. ### oFollower0 You also resemble Vince, except for the metal and circuitry all over your body. But... He was lost in the Purge... ### oFollower0 ???: Scanning memory banks for Vince Carter... Yes, my name is Vinceborg 2050. I was created in 2050 to... to... Encountered error number X114JAM9, cannot remember purpose. I am Vinceborg 2050 and my mission is... nothing. ### oFollower0 My god! This IS Vince Carter! Vince! Vince! Do you remember me? It's me, Balthios James, the octoroon great grandson of Lebron James! Vince, tell me if you remember me! ### oVince Processing: Balthios James... ... ... Found match! Yes Balthios, I remember you! On the day you were born, your grandfather slam dunked you and said that you would go on to be a great man. You were a child when I balled for the Nets. Nets... Nets... That is correct! I used to be a baller! I played for the New Jersey Nets! ### oBarkley A-amazing! He is regaining his memory! Vinceborg, do you remember me? I'm Charles Barkley. ### oVince Charles... Barkley... Entry found. One of the greatest slammers to have ever lived, although his jams were a little lacking. He was also one of my... Best friends. ### oBarkley Vince, it's really you! I can't believe it! I thought you were lost in the Purge! ### oVince Purge... the... Great B-ball Purge... Yes, I remember now, I died in the Purge but... Yes, I was rebuilt by someone. Someone... rebuilt me. ### oBarkley Who rebuilt you? Who brought you back to life, Vince? ### oVince I... do not... remember. ### oBarkley Vinceborg, you have to come with us until you remember. ### oVince Yes... I will come with you, Charles. I must remember... ### oBarkley Vinceborg has joined the party! ### oBarkley Vulture: Halt!* Who are you and why are you here? ### oBarkley What...* What are you? ### oFollower0 Charles! ### oBarkley Vulture: Heh, I can forgive your ignorance*.*.*. This time. I am a human being, just like you, but I have shed the entrapments of my human form and have embraced my animal side. On the surface world I was called Aaron Barber, but here I am known as Aethios Silverwind, vulture master of the night. We moved here because of the persecution up above. We never knew that they would hurt us like that after the surgery. ### oBarkley Surgery? Oh...* You're those god damned animal people, aren't you? ### oFollower0 Barkley! I apologize, Sir Aethios. We're travelers looking for the Cyberdwarf. I have heard he lives in this village and we need to see him. ### oBarkley Aethios Silverwind: Cyberdwarf, hmmm...* Ah, the newcomer? Yes, he lives here but we hardly see him. He's a real recluse, and I think it's because he's ashamed of his appearance. We don't judge here. ### oBarkley Get out of my way. ### oBarkley Aethios Silverwind: I'll...* I'll be watching you... ### oBarkley Aethios Silverwind: What do you want? ### oBarkley Move. ### oBarkley Aethios Silverwind: Be glad I'm graced with vulture-like patience... ### oBarkley Aethios Silverwind: Leave me alone. ### oBarkley Guthrie: Hello travelers... ah, that look on your face. You must be wondering why we have a full armory here in our village. While all of us endorse and encourage nonviolent methods of dealing with conflicts, there are many above ground who do not share our views. Every few months we'll get a raid from the surface. Usually they don't cause too much trouble. A few rocks or bottles thrown, and maybe a few of us will go to bed with bruises. Every once in a while however, their hatred will be too great, their attacks too violent. On more than one occasion these weapons you see have saved our lives. It's regrettable that we must use them, and clearly against our principles. But to save the life of one of my brothers our sisters here in the sewers... to save the life of one of my comrades? If it comes to that, I'd gladly give up those principles. It pains me to think that I might ever have to hurt any living being, but everyone here is family to me. I would do anything to protect them, even if it meant taking up arms. In the meantime though... I suppose I'll just pray it never comes to that. ### oBarkley Guthrie: I wouldn't use these weapons if I didn't have to. ### oFollower0 There's no reason to go back, Barkley. We've got to find the Cyberdwarf. ### oBarkley Right, let's go. ### oFollower0 Wait Barkley, I want to check out that robot over there before we continue. ### oBarkley Okay. ### oFollower0 These are the sewers, Barkley. It's a dangerous place so we'd better be careful. ### oBarkley Noted. Let's go. ### oBarkley We can't go back in there. ### oFollower0 Did you hear that? A tile below seemed to pop up. ### oBarkley It's... It's... Gatorade Gum? ### oFollower0 Wow, I thought this gum was only a myth! This is certainly a great find, Barkley. ### oBarkley Alright, I had enough of this room. ### oFollower0 I concur. We need to go further on. ### oFollower0 This contraption intrigues me. I have yet to find out what it's purpose is. ### oBarkley Look's like one of those spinning globes, only a B-Ball instead. I wonder if it still spins. ### oBarkley Huh? Did you see that? ### oFollower0 Hmm, it appears this is some kind of ancient device. Turning the B-Ball seems to shift the tiles below... This may - ### oBarkley I don't got time for shifting tiles, pal. ### oFollower0 ...may lead to a valuable treasure. ### oBarkley Treasure? Like the forbidden dunk texts? ### oFollower0 Nothing is certain, be if we manage to solve this conundrum we may reveal ancient baller possessions. ### oFollower0 Controls: Movement Keys - Move cursor Action Key - Shift cursor tile Cancel Key - Leave ### oFollower0 We already solved this contraption, Barkley. Let's move on. ### oBarkley Pump: The differences between Japanese and American vidcon consumers are as blatant as the differences between seasons 1 and 2 of Otomoe wa Boku ni Koishiteru (a nod to my fellow Otomoe wa Boku ni Koishiteru enthusiasts). Whereas the Japanese vidcon consumer is informed and discriminating in his or her purchases and endeavors, his American counterpart acts as a foil, stumbling blindly through the vidcon department at K-Mart, groping for the first vidcon with enough explosions or mammaries on the cover to slake their slavering decidedly non-intellectual lusts. Their hunger for Western garbage such as Madden and Halo is fueled by an almost sub-human ignorance that is as profound in the rest of their lives as it is in their choosing of vidcons. This disgusting display of American mass stupidity is no doubt the result of Christian indoctrination, adding another point on the list of reasons why the Japanese are more intelligent than the West, as contemptuous Western culture has left its people with little more than swiss cheese brains and an unquenchable urge for repeat football vidcons. ### oTurkey It's funny how far away the best day of my life seems from here. ### oBarkley What's that supposed to mean? ### oTurkey Look at this place, it's a shithole. Literally. They said you should never be afraid to be yourself, but I guess that's only if you're like them. I wasn't. I wasn't like them at all and look where I am now. I'm hiding for my life in the sewers... But you know what? I hid just as much when I was back up there. But I wasn't hiding from them... I was hiding from myself. You know what? I'd rather be hiding from them than from me. Does that make any sense to you? ### oBarkley I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. ### oTurkey Let me ask you something, Charles. What are you? ### oBarkley Me? I'm Charles Barkley. ### oTurkey I know that but... what are you? What are you deep down at the core of your soul? ### oBarkley A baller... ### oTurkey But when was the last time you played b-ball? ### oBarkley Back before the Purge. ### oTurkey That was 12 years ago, Charles. I guess you're not really a baller then. ### oBarkley You shut the fuck up! You have no right to say that shit! ### oTurkey That's my point though. Down here, I can always be who I really am, a turkey, and nobody can stop me. Sure, I'm hiding from them, but I'm not hiding from myself. You? You're hiding from yourself. Every day you hear the gentle calling of that bumpy, orange ball. You hear Spalding quietly beckon you, "Barkley, bounce me", but you don't. You don't because of them. B-ball's in your blood, Barkley, but you don't admit it because they don't want you to. You're hiding from yourself. ### oBarkley You're... You're wrong. ### oTurkey Heh, so be it Barkley. Maybe I am. ### oTurkey There's nothing left to say and nothing you can learn from me. You don't see what we have in common, you only see our differences. ### oBarkley Your people and my people have nothing in common. ### oTurkey Then leave, Barkley. I have nothing to say. ### oTurkey A lot's counting on you, Barkley. Take care of yourself, you're the herald of the new generation; a generation of peace, understanding, and cooperation. Don't ever forget that. ### oBarkley Dog: Take these Nikes and get out of here! All I care about is bones! Bark bark! ### oBarkley Dog: Grr... ### oBarkley Dog: Grrr... (OOC) Get the hell out of here! Bark bark! All I care about is bones! ### oBarkley Dog: *Sniff sniff**.*.*. (OOC) Give me that bone... That bone smells delicious! ### oBarkley Give the dog Dekembe Motumbo's femur? ### oBarkley Dog: Grrr...* Woof woof! ### oBarkley Chip: See that dog in Nikes over there? I've only seen him talk out of character (OOC) once. He sure loves his bones though. I bet if you got him a really delicious bone he'd talk to you. Maybe he'd even give you those sweet kicks. ### oBarkley Those Nikes... I gotta get those Nikes... ### oBarkley Chip: Wh-whoa. I can't believe you got that guy to talk! I know I've had my body surgically modified to look like Yogi Bear, but seriously, some of us take it way too far. ### oBarkley Frank: You know, sometimes people ask me why I chose to get Huckleberry Hound plastic surgery and I can't really give them an answer. It's not because I'm afraid they'll dislike me or think I'm a freak or anything, it's that I just can't pinpoint an answer. I mean, yeah, the sexual attraction was always there, but I don't think that's really it. My dad was an alcoholic. He was never really there, he was always wasting his time and money at the bar. Before he left for the bar, he would always tell me, "You stay there and watch that TV and if you're not there when I get back*.*.*. well boy, there'll be hell to pay,". So I watched the TV. My favorite show was Huckleberry Hound. I just loved that dog; the way he talked, the way he sang and dance. It was great. I*.*.*. I guess I looked at Huckleberry Hound as the father I never had. I mean, he taught me how to ride a bike, he taught me how to swim, he taught me everything. But I didn't just want to be LIKE Huckleberry Hound, I wanted to BE him.** Well, here I am, Huckleberry Hound. This is me, this is who I was born to be. ### oBarkley Frank: I know what you're thinking, I'm a freak. Well you know what? I don't care. I'm happy with who I am and I don't need you telling me that you think I'm weird. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go leave some scats. ### oBarkley Clark: Weapons, huh? We need them for the norms. I guess you need them for the sewers. Or that tomb off the newcomer's place. Anyway, I've got what you want. ### oBarkley Clark: If that's it then scram. I've got nothing else for you. ### oBarkley Leif: I've got what you need, man. ### oBarkley Leif: Alright, now hit the road. ### oBarkley All VP, BP, and conditions restored! ### oBarkley Damnit... Don't got enough Neo-Shekles to pay... ### oBarkley Sredni: You can stay if you don't shed all over the bed, norm. ### oBarkley Stay at inn? You have $[GOLD]. ### oBarkley Pump: Among the most prominent Japanese composers (although I use the word 'Japanese' superfluously, as even the most well-known American composers are barely competent at best), one in particular stands out to the enlightened vidcon soundtrack consumer. His name: Yasunori Mitsuda. For the record, this is not to undermine the amazing works of other incredibly talented vidcon composers such as Uematsu-san or Sakuraba-san, but to highlight the unique, almost celto-tropic music (the word music is an understatement) that Yasunori Mitsuda has been composing for years. It would be sheer ignorance to deny that the Chrono Cross soundtrack is anything but the magnum opus of vidcon music; its lilting and oftentimes hauntingly peaceful guitar melodies soothe all but the most savage of breasts while its tense battle themes and mysterious donjon tunes ignite a blazing passion that can be quenched only by the vidcon's profound story and gameplay. It is a wonder that anyone can listen to anything besides vidcon musical compositions after listening to Mitsuda-san's immensely powerful soundtrack, but given that the primitive thuds of hip hop are America's current choice of 'music' (I use the term music liberally), one can see little hope in the mass appreciation of Mitsuda-san's work. ### oFollower0 Barkley, this is the Cyberdwarf's house. There's something I think I should tell you... ### oBarkley Huh? What's the problem? ### oFollower0 The Cyberdwarf... He doesn't look normal, Barkley. Don't stare at him. ### oBarkley Huh? Sure, whatever. I won't stare. ### oFollower0 Okay... ### oFollower2 This is the tomb of a baller that was lost in the purge, one Dikembe Mutombo. ### oBarkley He was an amazing baller and a personal friend of mine. Do you mind if I pay my respects? ### oFollower2 Yes, but be quick about it. ### oBarkley Hoopz has joined the party! ### oHoopz Mr. Jordan was... he was gonna hurt me dad, wasn't he? ### oBarkley Yes, son. He would have hurt you if we didn't get there in time. ### oHoopz But what did I do? ### oBalthios You didn't do anything, Hoopz. Mr. Jordan is... he's not a well man. He's doing things he knows he shouldn't. ### oCyberdwarf That's right, Hoopz. But we're not going to let him do anything to you. ### oBarkley You said you'd clear this all up when we got Hoopz, Cyberdwarf. Tell me what the hell is going on. ### oCyberdwarf The Chaos Dunk that destroyed Manhattan... It was B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Somehow they got their hands on the Ultimate B-Ball- ### oHoopz The Ultimate B-Ball? ### oBarkley A long time ago, before you were even born, I was trapped in a basketball with a couple other ballers. You remember when I told you about this, right Hoopz? ### oHoopz Yeah, the Space Jam. I remember. But what's that got to do with this? ### oCyberdwarf Although you were no longer trapped in the Ultimate B-Ball, Barkley, its power slowly continued to grow until it rivalled its original power. Somehow, and I don't know how, the terrorist organization B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. got their hands on the ball. I don't know what they are planning on doing with it, but from what they've shown us already, they are incredibly powerful and know how to use it. ### oBarkley But... But who is B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.? ### oCyberdwarf I don't know who the leader is, but I do know that they've existed for almost a century. I think Balthios knows more than I do. ### oBalthios No, Cyberdwarf... I don't. ### oBarkley What do you mean? ### oBalthios They... they killed my great grandfather, Lebron. He was killed before the Purge. They shot him, Charles. Right in the heart. I was at his deathbed when he told me about the zaubers. I... I didn't know about the James legacy, that my family was the last to harness the power of the zaubers. He told me to respect and master the zaubers, but never to use them for an ill purpose. That's why B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. killed him, they wanted the power of the zaubers for themselves. I've been tracking them down since Lebron died but... ### oCyberdwarf He's been chasing smoke. He can't find anything. ### oBarkley I'm... I'm sorry Balthios. I didn't know... ### oBalthios You have nothing to be sorry for, Barkley. ### oBarkley So what do we do now? ### oCyberdwarf There are two things, Barkley. Find out what B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is planning and stop them. ### oBarkley Well how are we going to do that? ### oCyberdwarf We'll need to... forge a new Ultimate B-Ball. One powerful enough to counter whatever B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is planning. I don't know how we'll do this, but I think we can find clues in the old Spalding building. ### oBarkley Where's that? ### oCyberdwarf It's located farther underground, in Proto Neo New York. ### oBarkley (Proto Neo New York...) ### oBalthios So, how do we get there, Cyberdwarf? ### oCyberdwarf We'll exit the town at the north and then take a right. After that it's just a bit farther through the sewers. There's a ladder there we can use that descends all the way down into Proto Neo New York. And that's where we'll find it. The Spalding Factory. ### oBarkley I... I don't know where all this is leading but... but this can't be anything other than fate. ### oCyberdwarf F.A.T.E... ### oBalthios We should get all the supplies we need here in Cesspool X, and then we'll take off. ### oBarkley Good idea. ### oBarkley Hoopz has joined the party! ### oBarkley ???: Barkley, I've been waiting for you. ### oBarkley C... Cyberdwarf? ### oCyberdwarf Cyberdwarf: Yes... That is I. ### oBarkley I... ### oBalthios Barkley... ### oCyberdwarf You're looking at my face, aren't you? You're wondering why I look like I do. ### oBarkley No, it's not that- ### oCyberdwarf I am not from here, Barkley. I am from another world, far away. A world of dwarfs. ### oBarkley Where are you from? ### oCyberdwarf I'm from space. ### oBarkley Y-your face... ### oBalthios Barkley... ### oCyberdwarf It was the fire. I lost control of my ship upon entry of this planet's atmosphere and... the fire ravaged my ship. I will never be able to go home now, but even more, it ravaged my body. Someone found me and took me to the hospital, but it was no use. The fire had destroyed my flesh and the hospital had no cyberdwarf skin. All they had were b-balls. ### oBarkley They were forced to graft b-balls to your skin... ### oCyberdwarf Yes. I have flesh of... of b-balls now. ### oBarkley I am sorry, Cyberdwarf... ### oCyberdwarf There are more important things to be sorry about, like your father's predicament, Barkley. ### oBarkley My... father? ### oCyberdwarf Balthios, this is Barkley, isn't it? Hoopz Barkley? ### oBalthios N-no, Cyberdwarf. This is Charles, Hoopz's father! I thought you wanted me to bring Charles! ### oCyberdwarf Damnit Balthios, I said Hoopz! Charles is not the one! ### oVince Bzzt! Zzzt! The... one... Zzzt! Bzzt! ### oBalthios Vinceborg 2050, what's happening? ### oVince N-nothing Balthios... I thought I was getting back my memories but it was... nothing. ### oCyberdwarf Balthios, this grave error has cost us what precious little time to spare we had. We must find Hoopz Barkley at once! ### oBarkley Wh-what's happening? What are you talking about? ### oCyberdwarf There is no time to explain! Where is Hoopz? ### oBalthios He's at the church. I left him with Bird. ### oCyberdwarf Then we must go there at once! I will explain everything once he is in our protection, but there is no time to spare and too much to lose if we wait any further. There is a passage to the church if we take the path to the north and left. Quickly, we must make haste! ### oBarkley Balthios, what's happening? Is Hoopz going to be okay? ### oBalthios I... don't know, Barkley. Only time can tell. ### oBarkley Only time can tell... ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf has joined the party! ### oCyberdwarf What we're dealing with, Barkley... It could spell disaster if we fail. I've dealt with B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. before and I know firsthand that they're serious customers. ### oBarkley I... I want to thank you for helping me, Cyberdwarf. I don't know if I could have saved Hoopz without you. ### oCyberdwarf At least he's safe. That's what matters. We've still got to get to the ruins of the old Spalding building. It's a fair distance away, but the first step is heading to the north, and then right at the fork. ### oBarkley Okay. Let's get going. ### oCyberdwarf The Spalding building is to the north and right. Just stick to the path. ### oBarkley Alright... ### oFollower0 A-amazing... ### oBarkley What is it, Balthios? What do the inscriptions say? Is this Dekembe Motumbo's sarcophagus? ### oFollower0 No, no, this is the tomb of a lesser baller... yes, this is the tomb of Scotty Pippin. This is an incredible find though, b-ball historians have been searching for Scotty Pippin's tomb since the Purge. Wait, look at this inscription right here. It seems to be in Al Bhed. It reads... 'Be wary of the curse of Dekembe Motumbo. Not all dead lie.' ### oBarkley Not all dead lie? What does that mean? ### oFollower2 It means we'll have to be careful. Come on. ### oBarkley Yes, let's go. ### oFollower0 As much as I'd like to stay here and study this tomb, we've got more pressing things to do. ### oFollower0 I can only assume that Dekembe's entrails are stored in these canopic urns. ### oBarkley Yes... After the Purge, Dekembe was mummified according to African b-ball custom. He was such a large man that they needed two urns to hold his entrails. ### oFollower0 You seem to know quite a bit about African b-ball custom, Barkley. ### oBarkley I'm proud of my heritage, Balthios. It's important to remember where we came from, no matter where we are. ### oFollower0 Wise words, Barkley. Perhaps someday you'll have to teach me a little about African b-ball tradition. ### oBarkley Yes, perhaps I will. ### oFollower2 No time to chat, we've got to move. ### oFollower0 A-amazing... It is completely unfathomable that a tomb of such pristine condition has evaded the notice of b-ball historians for so long. Look at the walls. They are covered in paintings of some of b-balls greatest moments. Over there, that's Wilt Chamberlain's 100 point! That's Michael Jordan winning the Space J... Never mind. But this must truly be one of the greatest b-ball catacombs of all time. When all of this is over, I must return to study this. ### oFollower2 We're here to pay our respects, Barkley. Let's make it quick. ### oBarkley Yes... ### oFollower0 BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA! ### oBarkley Wh-what the hell was that? ### oFollower0 I don't know but... something's definitely alive down here... ### oBarkley ### oFollower0 ### oBarkley ### oFollower0 ### oFollower2 You hear gates opening! ### oFollower0 BOOOOOOM-SHAKA-LAKA! ### oBarkley My god... that noise is getting louder. ### oFollower2 Whatever it is, we're getting closer to it. I get the feeling we're about to find out what's making it. ### oFollower0 Get ready, guys. We may need to slam jam at a moment's notice... ### oBalthios A-amazing... Dikembe Mutombo's tomb is even more fantastic than I had first expected. Look at this, a reflective pool, two statues of Teresa, patron saint of slams and jams... ### oCyberdwarf They say Dikembe Mutombo was a deeply religious baller. ### oBarkley Yeah. Yeah he was. Before every game, he'd say a prayer to whatever gods of b-ball he believed in to improve his game. I don't know if he was humble or crazy, because he attributed his abilities to Clispaeth. He had no idea the measure of his own talent. ### oHoopz Dikembe... ### oBarkley Yes Hoopz, Dikembe. You've met him. Heh, he was even at the hospital when you were born. You were definitely too young to remember though. ### oHoopz I don't know dad. Something about this place... it seems familiar. Maybe I do remember him after all. ### oVince D... Dikembe... ### oBarkley Vince, you remember something? ### oVince I... don't know... ### oCyberdwarf Well Barkley, we're here. Pay your respects and we can move on. ### oBarkley I... I just wanted to say, Dikembe, that I... I always envied your talent and abilities and sometimes... sometimes I wished I was you. I just wanted to say... I'm sorry. ### oBarkley Huh? What's going on? ### oBarkley BOOOOOOOOM! ### oBarkley SHAKA! ### oBaller LAKA! ### oBalthios Look out! It's the ghost of Dikembe Mutombo! ### oBarkley D-Dikembe, is it... is it really you? ### oBaller Yes Barkley, it is really me. You have freed me from the ancient and deadly b-ball curse that caused me to eternally haunt these halls in limbo, trapped between this life and the B-Ball Dimension. I feel my ghostly, incorporeal body dissipating into an ethereal mist of... of b-balls. I'm finally... coming... home... ### oBarkley Dikembe! Wait! There's something I wanted to tell you! ### oBaller Quickly Barkley, the b-ball curse has lifted! ### oBarkley I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the Purge and I'm sorry about what happened. ### oBaller Barkley, I want you to carry on my legacy. ### oBarkley What? ### oBaller Close your eyes and let the power of jams wash over you. Let my knowledge enter your body... ### oBarkley Barkley has learned the forbidden jam "Holy Dunk"! ### oBarkley Th-thank you, Dikembe! ### oBaller You are welcome Barkley. Oh, and one last thing... ### oBarkley Y-yes? ### oBaller You are... ### oBarkley ...forgiven. ### oBalthios We... We had better leave. ### oCyberdwarf Yes... let's go. ### oBarkley Goodbye... Dikembe. May you finally find your peace. ### oFollower2 There is no need to return, Barkley. Leave the dead to rest. ### oBarkley Yes, Cyberdwarf. You are right... ### oJordan You... You son of a bitch, Barkley. ### oBarkley Get the fuck away from him! ### oBarkley DO IT, JORDAN! ### oJordan You won today, Barkley. Yeah, you beat me. Fucking gloat. But I'll get you Barkley. I'll get you and the rest of you god damned sportlovers and when I do, you'll fucking bleed Gatorade to your graves. ### oVince Mission: failed. Retreat to B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. for reconstruction process and second attempt. ### oBalthios Vince, wait! ### oVince I am no longer Vince Carter, Balthios... I am Vinceborg 2050, B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. agent of death. ### oBarkley Damnit Vince... Damnit... ### oHoopz Dad! ### oBarkley I'm... I'm here son. ### oBarkley ???: B...arkl...ey... ### oBarkley L-Larry? ### oLarry I... I did everything I could for Hoopz... ### oBarkley Larry, don't talk. You'll reopen your wounds... ### oLarry I'm dead anyways, Barkley. Jordan got me good. ### oBarkley Larry... ### oLarry I wanted to tell you I was sorry, Barkley. ### oBarkley Sorry? ### oLarry For that... that argument we had earlier. You were right... ### oBarkley Larry, you don't need to- ### oLarry I had no right to say the things that I did... How did we grow so apart, Charles? We used to be so close... I... I knew it wasn't you who did that Chaos Dunk in Manhattan, Charles. ### oBarkley How do you know? ### oLarry Look at yourself, Barkley. You wouldn't hurt a fly, not after what happened to Maureen... ### oLarry It's getting cold, Charles... It's getting so... ### oBarkley Goodbye, Larry. ### oJordan Hahaha, I knew you'd come back for him, Barkley. I knew I could count on your sense of family to bring you back. That's just like you, Barkley. Everyone around you is your own little family you can always count on. Well not me, Barkley. I wasn't a part of your little... 'b-ball family'. Heh, I was the black sheep of your god damn Barkley b-ball clique. ### oBarkley Put the gun down and let him go, Jordan! ### oJordan Or you'll do what? You're a fucking coward, Barkley. You wouldn't put your son's life in danger like that. No, you're one of those fucking goodie two-shoes, always looking out for someone else and never yourself. I guess you just snapped, huh? Just let it all go when you did that Chaos Dunk. Just like that, Barkley. Like a twig. You just snapped and killed all those people, didn't you? Did b-ball really mean that much to you? ### oBarkley You shut the fuck up and let him go, Jordan! ### oHoopz Dad! ### oJordan Shut up you little shit, or I'll pump you with lead like I did to Bird. ### oBarkley L-Larry! What did you do to Larry!? ### oJordan I didn't do anything to him, Barkley. It was you. If you hadn't Chaos Dunked Manhattan, I wouldn't have had to blow him away. It's your fault. ### oBalthios You... You sick son of a bitch, Jordan. If you so much as lay a hand on- ### oJordan Shut the fuck up! I've got you where I want you, Barkley! I've got you by the nuts, you motherfucking sportlover! First I'm gonna ice you, then I'm gonna ice this little shit at my feet! ### oJordan What the fuck are you doing, you little shit? ### oHoopz I'm... I'm praying to Clispaeth, Mr. Jordan... ### oJordan Cl-Clispaeth? ### oCyberdwarf Clispaeth? (Can it really be? Is he... the one?) ### oVince The... One... The... One... The... One... ### oBalthios V-vinceborg? ### oVince M-memories are... flooding back. The one... The... one... ### oJordan What the fuck is this? Is this a fucking joke? ### oVince My mission was to... it was... to destroy... the one. ### oVince Vinceborg has left the party! ### oCyberdwarf Vinceborg, no! ### oVince Must destroy... Hoopz Barkley. ### oBarkley That's it! Fuck this, you're going down, Jordan! ### oFollower0 We can't go back, Charles. I'm sure Jordan's thugs are looking all over for us after the beating you gave him. Neo New York is our home, but it's far too dangerous to go back now. ### oBarkley I know, Balthios. I know... I just... ### oFollower2 Just what? Your friend Balthios is correct, Barkley. The time for the comforts of home has long since passed, though with diligence and strength it may soon come again. For the time being, our destinies lie elsewhere - at the old Spalding factory. ### oFollower2 Barkley, the tunnel to the church is the other way. ### oBarkley I... I can't leave Hoopz... ### oFollower0 Wait Barkley, we haven't met the Cyberdwarf yet. ### oBarkley We probably should've killed him. ### oBalthios Charles, your son's right here. ### oBarkley I've said it before. I am not a role model. Still, it was probably the right thing to do. That guy's sick. And look who's talking. You're the 'Ultimate Hellbane.' You're certainly not afraid of killing anyone. ### oBalthios My hands are not clean, but everything I've done has been for the people of Neo New York. Allard was a cruel dictator, but he's nothing like B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Besides, he's called off his guards and promised to lower his prices for his surgeries. Surgeries that help the people down here, regardless of what you think of them. ### oBarkley He's a real slimy son of a bitch though. He'll probably change his mind the moment we head down to Proto Neo New York. I just think everyone would be better off without him. But let's just hurry up and go. We've probably spent too much time here already. ### oBarkley ???: Barkley, wait! ### oTurkey There's... there's something I wanted to give you before you left. ### oBarkley Wait, what? ### oTurkey Whether you want to admit it or not, Barkley, I know you learned something from us while you were here in Cesspool X. It has... been a long time since I have had spoken to a "norm" and... I forgot how much we had in common. I mean, it is where we all came from, everyone here was a "norm" once. ### oBarkley What, do you want to give me a basketball or something? ### oTurkey No Barkley, I want you to know that you taught me to believe again. You've given me the hope to believe that someday, your people and my people can coexist, that someday there will be harmony between our two peoples and a bond of understanding and cohesion that will go beyond appearance. I wanted to give you one of my precious turkey feathers to symbolize the mutual strength we have gained from each other. ### oBarkley Oh, I thought you wanted to talk about rebounds or something. ### oTurkey Barkley... I don't know where you're headed, but don't ever forget us here in Cesspool X. Farewell, friend. ### oBarkley What am I supposed to do with this? ### oFollower0 It symbolizes the potential unity between these animal people and us normal people, Charles. ### oFollower2 Just throw it away, I don't care. We've got to get moving. ### oBarkley Right, let's get going. ### oBarkley Jansen: Quit looking at my nose asshole, it's not my damn fault. ### oBarkley Looks pretty messed up, chump. ### oBarkley Fuck off ok. Allard promised me 30 grand for a full conversion. Now at the last minute he's holding out. Asking for 35. Greedy son of a bitch. I was just two antlers and a nose away from being the reindeer I've always wanted... the only thing I've ever wanted. I just can't afford another five thousand. I was so close too... do you have any concept of what it's like to have your life's sole dream snatched away from you? ### oBarkley A little... ### oBarkley Well that's what Allard does to me. He does it to all of us. And there's nothing anybody can do. He's the only one willing or skilled enough to do a full conversion, and he knows it. ### oBarkley Jansen: I can't take this much longer, man. Fuck Allard. Fuck these sewers. Fuck this city. Fuck the whole post-cyberpocalypse. ### oBarkley Gretel: Please just leave me alone. ### oBarkley Oh... sorry lady. ### oBarkley Gretel: I don't mean to be rude. There's just a lot on my plate right now. ### oBarkley I shouldn't bother her. Hospitals can be rough on people. ### oBarkley Rigby: ...aa...ghgh... ### oBarkley What's up? What's wrong with you? ### oBarkley Rigby: My... my fucking eye, can't you see? I work in the sewers. I'm a plumber. So this bolt shoots off a pipe and hits me in the eye and when I fucking get here they make me wait. I'm gonna go fucking blind and this doctor has me waiting so he can see all these freaks who want to be turned into goddamn animals. Goddamn animal people get in when I'm... when I'm bleeding out of my fucking eye. Mother-fucking bullshit. He... he can't do this. It's my EYE for fuck's sake. Somebody should teach this bastard a lesson. Fucking animal freaks get in 'cause they walk in with pockets stuffed with neo-shekels... I'm the one with the emergency and I get the shaft. Fuck this place. ### oBarkley Rigby: Ughgh.... ### oBarkley Steve: You gotten in yet? ### oBarkley I'm not here for surgery, son. ### oBarkley Steve: Sure. So... What kind of surgery are you "not here" for? ### oBarkley Oh, fuck this. ### oBarkley Steve: We're all the same here, pal. Don't worry so much. ### oBarkley Eli: You see this hair? A few months ago it was a dirty blonde bowl cut. Three treatments and nine thousand neo-shekels later and look at me! The spitting image of Klaaust Mitsugiri... ### oBarkley The hell are you talking about? ### oBarkley Eli: Klauust Mitsugiri, aka "He Who Walks With Death." Pilot of the DEVIL_[blade] Mk. II mecha. ### oBarkley ... ### oBarkley Eli: He's the protagonist of ~Hyperborea XII: Hyperborea no Legends~. It's only my favorite installment of the greatest vidcon series in existence. Frankly, I'm a bit shocked you don't know what I'm talking about. ### oFollower3 Hey I played that! Remember that part right, it's at the when you're fighting that uh... ### oBarkley Hoopz, we gotta go. ### oFollower3 Dad, I'm just... ### oBarkley We're going. Now. ### oFollower0 Charles, he was just talking. ### oBarkley Look at him. Look at his hair. I'd rather Hoopz talk to those animal people back at Cesspool X. Yeah they've got problems. This guy's just a damn freak. No way in hell my son's gonna turn out like that. ### oFollower0 ...fair enough. ### oBarkley Eli: Just one more surgery left and my hair will be perfect. Dr. Allard's giving me surgery to help it grow in the way Klaaust's does naturally. The steep incline upwards, the slight curvature to the right, the deep emerald hue... I've almost got it, but not quite. Just one more surgery. You know, it's almost ironic. I'm undergoing treatment to make my hair look like a vidcon hero, and yet I financed my surgery by auctioning off a good portion of my vintage game collection. In fact, one could posit that for the most part, the path my life takes is determined by vidcons, and by vidcons alone... it's a difficult path, but one I shall shall always walk. ### oBarkley Ezekiel: I see you staring. Don't worry, I actually get it quite often. You're wondering what I am, correct? I'm a Geldrach, a species of my own creation. Some restrict their appearances to imagery found in the natural world. Animals, and the like. I aim for true expression. My current form is a testament to the awesome powers of the imagination, and of the good doctor here. Dr. Allard is expensive, but extraordinarily talented. He had the ability to transform me into exactly what I desired, not just some mundane barnyard beast. Needless to say, I took advantage of this. Ezekiel, Geldrach of the Far Plains. Greetings, strangers. ### oBarkley Ezekiel: I see your friend there has taken my route. Skin of tanned leather, gleaming steel plating... nothing of such extravagance is to be found in nature. I applaud his daring. Only with enough of us can we free the world of cosmetic surgery from the cruel yoke of the animalites... only then can we purge from it the tyranny of the Realists. ### oBarkley You look pretty much done. ### oBarkley Darren: Excuse me?... you mean with surgery, correct? Well, this is actually a bit embarrassing. I'm actually not done yet. I mean, I've gotten my face pretty much finished, but under this cloak I'm just as human as anyone here. I saw what that reindeer over there looked like half-done and figured it would be best to cover up. It's quite jarring, I think. ### oBarkley Can't say any of you animal people look any different. The reindeer is a real mess though. ### oBarkley Darren: Anyway, just a few more treatments for me. It's cost me a fortune, but it'll be worth it to live in peace among kindred spirits. There's a city down here, you know. Cesspool X, it's called. I've heard wonderful things. ### oBarkley Darren: Here I come, Cesspool X... here I come. ### oBarkley ### oBarkley Sewer Punk: Headed down to Proto Neo New York? You might wanna stock up first. Some people don't. Come back with some real horror stories. Anyway, here it is. ### oBarkley Sewer Punk: I'll be here for a few days. After that I've got to go back up and restock. In the meantime, swing by if there's anything you need. ### oBarkley Jessica: Hey there. You headed down? ### oBarkley Not interested in hookers, lady. Try someone else. ### oBarkley Jessica: Easy. easy. Just making a little conversation. I'm about to go down myself. It's dangerous down there but it's worth the risk depending on how much you can pull up. Proto Neo NY artifacts can go for a lot. Collector types with neo-shekels to burn. This toll kills me though. I'm paying $5000 a trip to Allard, all so I have enough to pay him again for surgery. ### oFollower0 What kind of surgery would that be, if you don't mind me asking? ### oBarkley Jessica: Something for my first business. ### oFollower0 I see. ### oBarkley Jessica: I'm not really into it, but clients will pay a lot for non-standard parts. Allard's control over the sewers can be a real pain in the ass, but he has made my business a lot more profitable. Guess I can't fault him too much. He's a great surgeon. ### oBarkley Jessica: Well, I guess I owe you one for sticking it to the doctor like that. Makes life easier for all of us, you know? ### oBarkley We're just trying to get to Proto Neo New York, lady. We didn't do it for anyone else. ### oBarkley Jessica: It doesn't matter to me why you did it. Just be sure to stock up before you go there. You think it's bad up here? Wait until you get down real deep. It's pretty brutal. They say the b-ball energy levels are so out of control that they can mutate a person. ### oBarkley That sounds pretty bad. ### oBarkley Jessica: Yeah. Yeah it is. ### oBarkley Jessica: Take care of yourself if you're going down there. It's not a pretty place. ### oBarkley Guy: Man, I know I've seen your face somewhere before... ### oBarkley I, uh, don't know about that... ### oBarkley Guy: That's it, Charles Barkley! Man, the doctor did a great job on your operation. Most guys who get the Charles Barkley operation come out looking like Patrick Ewing or something. That looks fantastic. ### oBarkley Wait, what? Charles Barkley operation? ### oBarkley Guy: Man, and you're already in character. You're a real inspiration, you know that? Me? I'm here for the Wilt Chamberlain operation. It's always been a dream of mine to dribble a b-ball in the visage of one of the game's greatest. I mean, just everything about the guy was amazing; his dunks, his rebounds, his shots, his passes. I could pretty much go on forever about him. I'm so nervous, my dreams are about to come true. ### oBarkley People get surgery to look like... Charles Barkley? ### oBarkley Guy: Yeah, you're not the first. He's got a whole fanbase of guys who've gotten the surgery. Yours is the best I've ever seen though. It looks so real. ### oBarkley J...Jesus Christ... I've uh, I've gotta go. ### oBarkley Okay, later man. Keep it real. ### oBarkley Guy: I can't get over how good a job Dr. Allard did on you. I hope he does that well on me. ### oBarkley Guy: I thought you were cool, man, but you go and beat up the doctor right after he does such a good job on you. Seriously, how ungrateful can you be? Don't even talk to me. Whatever you've got to say, I don't want to hear it. ### oBarkley Dan: ...lithely stalking through the shadows, his midnight obsidian skin shining beneath the moonlight, the drow ranger crept up behind the gnoll and disemboweled him with his dual edged scimitar... ### oBarkley Are you talking to me, kid? ### oBarkley Dan: Can't you see I'm writing a Drizzt Do'Urden fanfiction, or as the fanfic community elites say, "ficcie"? I'm waiting down here for my turn to be operated on by Dr. Allard. I've managed to save up enough money to have my skin dyed completely black, much like that of the nefarious, subterranean race of elves called drow. My aim is to have enough money to look completely like Drizzt by the end of the year, although I'll have to scrimp and save more than I'd like... ### oBarkley I should probably lea- ### oBarkley Dan: If you want I can read you some of my poetry about Drizzt. This is one I like to call "Ranger of Kindness". ### oBarkley D - Deflects incoming attacks with a swipe. R - Read about him in a book. I - Interesting/dapper fighting style. Z - Zazzy pivots and dodges. Z - Zero tolerance for bugbears. T - Twin scimitars cut swathes through the night. D - Dangerous lava caves. O - Ovations he receives for his heroic deeds. U - Utilizes sommersaults to block attacks. R - Ricochet with a bow or arrow. D - Destruct all goblins but not for racism. E - Enigma of few words. N - Never stops helping friends and peasants. ### oBarkley Dan: What did you think? ### oFollower0 I enjoyed your subtle use of iambic penta... ### oBarkley Jesus, Balthios. ### oBarkley Dan: I am considered by many of my peers the foremost authority on all subjects concerning the elusive and aloof drow ranger Drizzt Do'Urden. Even if you aren't a fan of the texts detailing his adventures, or misadventures if you will, it wouldn't hurt to take a page from his book. He has, after all, a wisdom roll of 16. ### oBarkley Dan: Thanks to you, I can now afford not only to have my skin dyed black, but also my hair bleached white as well. The day will soon come when I can walk the streets in the form I was meant to be: the dreaded drow. ### oFollower0 Rufus, I heard you've been complaining some about the security situation at the gate. I understand your grievances. As such, I have ordered another shipment of weaponry from Square-Enix-Goya. It should be in by the weekend. They're quality arms this time. Meaning although those rats can be a a bit of a nuisance there should no longer be problems unattributable to human error. Meaning screw up again and you'll wake up swirling around at the bottom of a sewer grate and there'll be only a hundred little urchins ready to snap up what was your position. Don't compromise what little faith I still have in you. -Allard ### oBarkley This Allard guy sounds like a real son of a bitch. ### oFollower2 (Allard...) ### oFollower0 Rufus, I heard you've been complaining some about the security situation at the gate. I understand your grievances. As such, I have ordered another shipment of weaponry from Square-Enix-Goya. It should be in by the weekend. They're quality arms this time. Meaning although those rats can be a a bit of a nuisance there should no longer be problems unattributable to human error. Meaning screw up again and you'll wake up swirling around at the bottom of a sewer grate and there'll be only a hundred little urchins ready to snap up what was your position. Don't compromise what little faith I still have in you. -Allard ### oBarkley Rufus, huh? ### oFollower0 Hmm... It sounds like this 'Rufus' in the note might still be here somewhere in the sewers. ### oBarkley Are you Rufus? ### oBarkley Suit: Am I Rufus? Rufus is a piece of shit who couldn't handle gate duty? Do I look like a piece of shit who couldn't handle gate duty to you? ### oFollower0 Don't answer, Charles. ### oBarkley ... ### oBarkley Suit: Get out of my face, gnat. ### oBarkley Rufus: I heard you knocked him around good. I get the feeling things are gonna be changing around here. ### oBarkley Suit: Dr. Allard likes to have an idea of what goes on in the sewers. Get out of my sight and I won't have to tell him anything you wouldn't like. ### oBarkley Suit: Get lost. ### oBarkley You Rufus? ### oBarkley Suit: Why you wanna know? ### oBarkley I saw a note someone left for you. ### oBarkley Suit: I... wait, "you?" You don't even know if I'm Rufus or if it's someone else. ### oBarkley So you got demoted, huh? Expected as much from a sucker like you. ### oBarkley Rufus: What, you wanna fucking go? ### oBarkley I'm always up for a game. But what I wanna know right now is how to get to see this Allard. I get the idea you don't like him too much either. ### oBarkley Rufus: What are you planning on doing? ### oBarkley Maybe teaching him a lesson. ### oBarkley Rufus: Shit... you're making my fucking day you know that? That asshole sent me down here for one tiny mistake I made at the gate. Docked my pay too, not that it was much to begin with. So you say you're gonna go in there and mess him up? ### oBarkley That's the plan. ### oBarkley Rufus: Alright, tell the guards at the gate that When we get the final hardware, the performance is just going to skyrocket. ### oBarkley What's that supposed to mean? ### oBarkley Rufus: I think it's something Allard said once. It's a code you can use to get through. Tell the guards I sent you and that "When we get the final hardware, the performance is just going to skyrocket," and they'll let you through. They'll know it came from me. ### oBarkley Alright. Thanks for the help. ### oBarkley Rufus: I should be thanking you. Dr. Allard's a real motherfucker. He deserves anything you give him. ### oBarkley Rufus: Mess him up good, alright? ### oBarkley Suit: This ladder will take you down. ### oBarkley Suit: Go ahead sir. Don't mind me. ### oBarkley Suit: Ugh... you're fucking tough... go on through, just don't kill me. Please... ### oBarkley Suit: Excellent decision. I'll take that and you can be on your way. ### oBarkley Suit takes 5000 neo-shekels. ### oBarkley I don't have enough... ### oBarkley Suit: Then you're not getting through. Come by when you're worth something. Dr. Allard makes no exceptions. ### oBarkley $5000? You must be out of your mind, punk. ### oBarkley Suit: That's the price. $5000 or you're not getting through. Dr. Allard's rules. ### oBarkley Suit: Hahahahaha! ... Oh. You're not joking? Let's get to it then. ### oBarkley Suit: Hahaha. Rufus is out patrolling some hallway somewhere. Allard busted him down some ranks when he couldn't do his job. A lot of pieces of shit like you try getting through here without paying. Rufus couldn't handle them. I can. ### oBarkley Suit: How about you make your $5000 worth it and don't come back for a while? ### oBarkley Suit: Oh god... Allard's gonna fucking kill me... ### oBarkley Suit: Never seen you before. Dr. Allard charges $5000 for a trip down this ladder. There ain't anybody that comes here who doesn't wanna get past me. And there ain't nobody that does get past me without a lighter wallet. It's a decent situation we have going here. It's gone without a hitch for a while now. So. $5000 gets you a round trip. Down the ladder once, up the ladder once. How's that sound? ### oBarkley What! $5000 is an outrageous price, there's gotta be another way down there... ### oBarkley Suit: Not a chance. Pay up or shut up. ### oBarkley Suit: Changed your mind? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oFollower0 Barkley, Proto Neo New York lies just beyond here. When you're ready, head down the ladder. ### oBarkley Are you Rufus? ### oBarkley Suit: Am I Rufus? Rufus is a piece of shit who couldn't handle gate duty? Do I look like a piece of shit who couldn't handle gate duty to you? ### oBalthios Don't answer, Charles. ### oBarkley ... ### oBarkley Suit: Get out of my face, gnat. ### oBarkley Eric: Have you given her my poem yet? ### oBarkley Uh, not yet. Just a second, ok? ### oBarkley She says thanks, and that she'll come by later. ### oBarkley Eric: She's coming by? Thank you so much Barkley, thank you so much Balthios. This is really the best day of my life. The woman of my dreams is coming to talk to me, and she liked my poetry! Why did I ever doubt myself? Silly Eric! Anyway, here is your reward, as agreed. I hope it serves you well. ### oBarkley Received 600 Neo-Shekels! ### oBarkley Received 400 Neo-Shekels! ### oFollower0 Thank you, Eric. I hope good fortune continues to bless you so. ### oBarkley Eric: Once again, thank you sirs. ### oBarkley Eric: ### oBarkley Huh? ### oBarkley Eric: Me, over here. Come here, quickly. I am in dire need of your assistance. ### oBarkley The hell do you want? ### oBarkley Eric: Just... just look at her over there... ### oBarkley Who? ### oBarkley Eric: Who, you ask? Who? Is it not apparent of who I speak? Is her beauty not visible to thine eyes? Does her countenance not violently stir the deep dark waters of thine soul? ### oFollower0 I assume you are talking about the... well... forgive me for this - "fox" over that way? ### oBarkley Eric: Not a fox per se, rather, a Kitsune. A fox spirit one could say, to put it simply, if somewhat inelegantly. ### oBarkley Oh. In that case, no. ### oBarkley Eric: I see... then it is just I on whom she has this intoxicating effect? ### oBarkley That sounds about right. Anyway, do you really need help? I hope for your sake you didn't call me over here for this shit. ### oBarkley Eric: Oh! Yes, yes. As you have no doubt surmised I do indeed love this woman. J. Lindsay is her name. Unfortunately, she is unaware of these feelings I hold for her. I have written her this poem you see, and I was wondering if you gentlemen could deliver it to her. I have tried time after time, but alas I choke each time without fail. So if you could just walk this over to her and say it's from me... I would really appreciate it, sirs. ### oFollower0 Sure, I would be glad to help. ### oBarkley ... ### oBarkley Eric: I thank you so much. Just take this over to her and return. I'll have a reward for you when you come back. It's not much... we don't have anything of particular worth here in Cesspool X, but I have some neo-shekels saved up. I hope that will do. ### oFollower0 We appreciate your generosity, Eric. ### oBarkley Eric: And I yours. At any rate, here is the poem. ### oBarkley Are you fucking kidding me, Balthios? We don't got time for this shit. It's a damn love letter. From a snail. ### oFollower0 If I recall, even a certain man with a far thicker shell than he wrote a few love letters in his time. Hmm? ### oBarkley ...fine. Let's get this over with. Hurry up. ### oFollower0 Sure. But first... are you wondering at all how the poem goes? ### oBarkley Nope. ### oFollower0 It just fascinates me, anthropologically. How exactly is a love letter between a man surgically altered to become a snail and a woman altered to become a fox written? If, Charles, I decided to say... open it. You wouldn't... ### oBarkley I am not going to tell the damn snail. I wonder if it reads like he talks. "Stir the deep dark waters of your soul" and all that shit. Just listening to him talk was bad enough. ### oFollower0 Well, here we go then. ### oBarkley Perfect was our love, True was our passion; One touch from your beautiful hands, Left me feeling smashing. ### oFollower0 Hm. ### oBarkley Tough break. Your snail friend's fucked. ### oFollower0 Charles... we need to do something. We cannot allow her to receive this letter. ### oBarkley It's what he wrote. It's on him. Let's go. ### oFollower0 I can't do that, Charles. We are in a bit of a hurry however, so if that's what you would like to do, so be it. Deliver the letter. I just think it to be a bit needlessly cruel. I was thinking we could help Eric out. I do not wish to tell him we read his poem, and if we could entirely avoid the conversation regarding it's quality, I think that would be for the best. I was thinking that perhaps we could rewrite his poem for him. It would not be difficult to write something better than this. But it's up to you. ### oBarkley What will you do?? ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: I think I'm interested in what most of my friends here are interested in - animals! I love animals so much! As you can see I even wanted to become one! That's how much I love animals! I love petting animals and talking to animals and being nearby animals! Also, I am a kitsune, so I enjoy hunting animals! I do not eat them - I am a strict vegetarian, I love animals too much - but I am a foxie and what foxies love to do is hunt! So I like to find little animals and sneak up on them and pounce on them and wrestle with them and then let them go. I love animals so much I even love hunting animals (nicely though)! ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: What am I like? Hmmm... that's a tough one. Just kidding! I am like a person that likes animals! A lot! Back when I was a norm like yourself, way back before the B-Ballnacht I worked at a zoo. It was a really nice one. I felt so bad about animals being in cages but I just loved them so much and it was the only place I could see them. So in retrospect I am definitely sorry about working there and perpetuating that terrible industry of animal slavery. But I loved working there while I was working there because I love animals! I loved animals so much that they had me clean up the droppings from the cages because I was the only one there who loved animals enough to do that. So there you go! That's what I am like! ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: How do I like Cesspool X? The question should be how do I love Cesspool X! And I would say "A lot!" I love Cesspool X because there is nobody to hurt us down here. And I also love it because there are so many people like me down here. People like Frank and Zalatar and Chip. And like Eric! People that share my ideals and viewpoints and passions. But most of all, I love Cesspool X because so many people down here are really, really good friends! ### oFollower0 Barkley, are you sure you don't want to ask her more questions? ### oBarkley Are you finished? ### oBarkley What do you want to say? ### oBarkley What do you want to say? ### oBarkley Alright, J. Lindsay. That's it. ### oFollower0 Thank you, J. Lindsay. You've been a great help. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: You're welcome! Helping is one of this kitsune's favorite things to do! ### oFollower0 I hope that's information enough to write a halfway decent poem with. Let's retire elsewhere and compose this. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Hi there! Welcome to Cesspool X! I am J. Lindsay, a humble kitsune. I hope we can get along! I love it when newbies come to our town! I love welcoming people! May I ask your name!? ### oBarkley It's Barkley. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Then Barkley, I hereby officially Welcome to Cesspool X! It's a tiny little town but I hope you enjoy it here as much as we do! ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: It's you again! Hope you're enjoying Cesspool X so far (and you haven't gotten pounced too much)! ### oBarkley You're J. Lindsay, right? ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Why yes that's me! And what's your name? ### oBarkley Barkley, but really I just- ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Well hello then Barkley! Welcome to Cesspool X!It's a tiny little town but I hope you enjoy it here as much as we do! ### oBarkley ... need to deliver this. This is a poem. It's from the snail. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Hi! It's you again! What brings you back!? ### oBarkley I was told to deliver this. It's a poem. It's from the snail. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: It's from Eric? ### oBarkley Yeah, Eric. The snail. Read it. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: ... Why... this is... very nice. I'll have to go thank Eric for this. I'm on welcome duty right now though, so it'll have to be later. Thank your for delivering this, and be sure to tell Eric thank you if you see him. ### oBarkley Sure. ### oFollower0 Well. I wouldn't say that went great, but she wasn't appalled by it. That's certainly better than I expected. Let's go back and talk to Eric. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: I'll be happy to answer any more questions you have, don't worry! ### oBarkley You're J. Lindsay, right? ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Why yes that's me! And what's your name? ### oBarkley Barkley. And this is Balthios. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Well hello then Barkley! Hello Balthios! Welcome to Cesspool X! It's a tiny little town but I hope you guys enjoy it here as much as we do! ### oFollower0 Thank you, we appreciate that. Listen, we're new here and wanted to get to know some people in the town. Could we maybe ask you a few questions and see what you're all about? ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Hi Barkley! Who's your friend there!? I didn't ask last time we talked. ### oBarkley Oh. This is Balthios. ### oBarkley Well hello then Balthios! Welcome to Cesspool X! ### oFollower0 Thank you, I appreciate that. Listen, we're new here and wanted to get to know some people in the town. Could we maybe ask you a few questions and see what you're all about? ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Sure thing! I love getting to know people! ### oFollower0 Great. Ok then, Barkley here will ask you a few questions. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Bring 'em on! ### oBarkley Ok, uh... ### oBarkley What do you want to say? ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Thanks for delivering that poem guys! I'll go talk to Eric sometime later. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Hi! It's you again! What brings you back!? ### oBarkley I was told to deliver this. It's a poem. It's from the snail. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: It's from Eric? ### oBarkley Yeah, Eric. The snail. Read it. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: This... oh my god... it's like he knows me even better than I know myself! He says I love animals, and he's right, I do love animals! And I don't mind cleaning up after them, and I love my friends here! I can't believe this... has he felt like this all this time? How could I have been so blind? Eric... I'm coming... ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: This... hmm. This is... it's something. I mean... it's long? He must have tried hard? Maybe? Thanks, I guess. If you see him you could tell him I said thank you to him too. I should probably come by and say it myself sometime. He's a cute guy and all but this poetry is really... bewildering, sort of. I just can't really imagine what was running through the writer's head. Anyway, thanks for bringing it by guys. I'll ask him about it later. ### oFollower0 So it was that bad... ### oBarkley Let's just get our reward and get out of here. ### oBarkley Hurry up, you've been writing that for an hour. ### oBalthios Patience, Barkley, good art takes time. I might as well show you what I have, however. Here you are... ### oBalthios "Hark, I call upon thee Muse, To grant me thus the ability Of all Great bards, that is, to use Your gifts in poetry." ### oBalthios "O Muse! Grant me words as that I need To speak of such Beauty as she; I am in bondage, aching to be freed By the beauty I speak of - J. Lindsay." ### oBarkley Honestly, Balthios, that is probably worse than "left me feeling smashing." ### oBalthios I... haven't written in a while. I apologize. ### oBarkley Don't worry. If we can just fill it with that shit we learned she's into, she'll probably like it more than the other one. ### oBalthios I hope so. Anyway, after this I have a few fragments I need some help with. I have the beginnings of some lines, but you need to make suggestions for the ends. ### oVince Data analysis complete. ### oBarkley Huh? What are you on about Vince? ### oVince I have compiled the information gathered from J. Lindsay. Ready to assist in poem creation. ### oBarkley You actually listened to us talk about that shit? ### oVince Correct. ### oBalthios Vince, can you step away for a moment? ### oVince Affirmative. ### oBalthios Barkley, I don't mean to put Vince down or anything, but... ### oBarkley What now? ### oBalthios He's a robot Barkley. I don't think he knows anything about love. So take any of his suggestions with a grain of salt. ### oBarkley Whatever, let's get this over with already. ### oBalthios Alright Vince, any suggestions you have are appreciated. ### oBalthios Here's the first part: ### oFollower0 "I ask that she envelops my fragile heart, And with her Magick, mends its cracks; I ask that we grow old, never apart, And that she..." ### oFollower0 And that is where I am stuck. So tell me what you like here. ### oFollower0 "And that she..." ### oFollower0 "And that she..." ### oBarkley "And that she lets me protect her from attacks." ### oFollower0 Because they're persecuted down here? That's okay I guess. We'll go with it. ### oBarkley "And that she caresses my body, to help relax." ### oFollower0 Hmmm... sensual and slightly erotic, without being too overt. That works. ### oBarkley "And that she, with her hands, massages my back." ### oFollower0 I like this. An implication that every moment without her is one in pain, as she is not giving you any massages at all. ### oBarkley An implication that every moment the snail is without her he's in pain. Don't get it twisted. ### oFollower0 Sorry, Charles. ### oBarkley I gotta side with Vince on this one, "And that she enjoys hunting small prey." ### oBarkley Yeah, "And that she enjoys hunting small prey." ### oFollower0 You do remember that little talk we had earlier? ### oBarkley Just do it. ### oBarkley "And that she enjoys hunting small prey." ### oFollower0 Are you sure about that Charles? It's a little... ### oBarkley Just go with it. ### oFollower0 Okay then. Now after those first three stanzas - ABAB, CDCD, and EFEF- I will, as is fitting according to the hallowed traditions of the post-cyberpocalyptic sonnet, I conclude with two couplets, of GG and HH. ### oBarkley I really don't give a damn how your poetry works, but go ahead. ### oFollower0 "Never before have I met one so fair, Or who..." ### oFollower0 "Never before have I met one so fair, or who..." ### oBarkley "Or who lives so freely, without a care." ### oFollower0 Foxes are somewhat free-spirited I think. Maybe? I really don't know anything about animals. I suppose that's a tolerable line. ### oBarkley "Or who is so fearless toward any dare." ### oFollower0 Really? You think she seems fearless? Oh, who am I kidding? We just need to fill some lines at this point. It'll do. ### oBarkley "Or who has such beautiful flaxen hair." ### oFollower0 That's not awful. Her hair doesn't really seem flaxen, and I think in the case of animal people such as her it would be "fur," as opposed to hair. I suppose it does rhyme though. We'll use it. ### oBarkley My man Vince has it right. "Or who does not mind animal feces much." ### oBarkley Yeah, "Or who does not mind animal feces much." ### oFollower0 ...I think Vince does not understand the fine art of subtlety. ### oBarkley It's good enough for me. ### oFollower0 ...Fine. ### oBarkley "Or who does not mind animal feces much." ### oFollower0 Barkley... that's... ### oBarkley What? It's what she said! I wouldn't make up shit like that. ### oFollower0 Regardless of whether or not it's what she said, it is disgusting and does not fit with the rhyme scheme of the poem. It is ABAB CDCD EFE- ### oBarkley Just trust me, alright? ### oFollower0 ...Fine. ### oFollower0 Okay, finally. This is the last line. ### oFollower0 "More than wonders of the world, I love her..." ### oFollower0 "More than wonders of the world, I love her..." ### oBarkley "I love her, majestic, like flags unfurled." ### oFollower0 You know, I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean. Flags? What does that have to do with the entire rest of the poem? ### oBarkley I don't care. I don't want to be doing this. We should've just given her the poem to begin with. I don't write poetry. Do you understand? ### oFollower0 This is the worst poem I have ever read. ### oBarkley "I love her, so she should be Duked or Earled." ### oFollower0 ... ### oBarkley Like, she is royalty. A Duke or an Earl. The snail might think so. ### oFollower0 This poem is shit. Absolute shit. ### oBarkley "I love her, when she danced and twirled." ### oFollower0 When did she dance? Do you even know what you're writing? The tense changes halfway through the line. This is embarassing. ### oBarkley Vince gots my back on this. "I love her, and her friends in Cesspool X." ### oBarkley Yeah, "I love her, and her friends in Cesspool X." ### oFollower0 That doesn't flow with the previous line at all, but it doesn't look like you're too enthusiastic about thinking up another line. ### oBarkley You got that right. ### oBarkley "I love her, and her friends in Cesspool X." ### oFollower0 Fine. I honestly don't care at this point. ### oFollower0 I suppose we're finished. Are you happy with the way the poem is now? We can start over and go through the lines again if you'd like. ### oFollower0 Redo the poem? ### oBalthios Here's the first part: ### oFollower0 "I ask that she envelops my fragile heart, And with her Magick, mends its cracks; I ask that we grow old, never apart, And that she..." ### oFollower0 And that is where I am stuck. So tell me what you like here. ### oFollower0 "And that she..." ### oFollower0 "And that she..." ### oFollower0 If that's all, we should deliver this to J. Lindsay now. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Eric... ### oBarkley Eric: J. Lindsay... ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Your... your poetry... ### oBarkley Eric: Yes, my love. 'Twas I, the author of that poem. ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: It was beautiful... I just... I read it and I just felt like finally, somewhere out there there was someone out there who really understood me. I've gone through my whole life being misunderstood. Being rejected. And here I am, at last, with some-one who loves me, and loves me for me. And Eric... when I read this, I just- ### oBarkley Eric: Enough! I have written you a poem and you have expressed your gratitude, but the time for words has now passed. The present is a time for action. I have a room prepared for us at the inn. Shall we? ### oBarkley J. Lindsay: Oh Eric... ### oBarkley You've gotta be kidding me. ### oBalthios Hmm? ### oBarkley The snail left without giving us a reward. If I ever see that punk again I'll slam him so hard... ### oBalthios I'm at least happy they're together. There are some rewards that aren't material, Charles. ### oBarkley Goddamn animal people. ### oBalthios Oh, Barkley... ### oBarkley What's this? ### oBalthios A zauber... the snail must have dropped it as he retired to his lovenest with J. Lindsay. ### oBalthios The zauber surges with the power of snails... ### oBarkley Balthios learned "Snail Zauber!" ### oBarkley Dave: See that door over there? The one that won't open? ### oBarkley What about it? ### oBarkley Dave: I heard there's a trick to opening it. Something about a key in Cuchulainn's Tomb? Does that mean anything to you? ### oBarkley No. ### oBarkley Dave: Yeah, me neither. Just wondering. ### oBarkley Dave: You gotta wonder who locked it in the first place. Dr. Allard, maybe, but I bet you this door is older than him. Probably none of the Cesspool X folks, they've only been around for a few years. Maybe it was Cuchulainn. I don't even know who he is. It's a real mystery, you know? ### oBarkley I guess. ### oFollower0 Seems like we're at an impasse. It doesn't seem like we're going anywhere until we pay the toll at the gate, large as it may be. ### oBarkley It's 5000 neo-shekels, Balthios. There's no way in hell I'd pay these thugs a damn thing, and I definitely wouldn't pay 'em $5000. It's extortion, and I'm not gonna tolerate that shit. I say we go rough up that punk at the gate. And hell we should probably go teach this Dr. Allard and all of his goons a lesson while we're at it. ### oFollower0 Charles, you can't just go around beating on anyone and everyone you want. What they're doing isn't right, but- ### oBarkley You're damn right it isn't. People come down to these sewers to escape from shit on the surface, Balthios. And once they make it down here they've got to deal with this Allard and his thugs. Forget it. I'm not going to put up with it. ### oFollower0 So... you're finally showing some sympathy for the sewer-dwellers. ### oBarkley I meant I'm not going to put up with it when it affects me and my son. It's hard enough to make ends meet in the post-cyberpocalypse, and that money could be put to use, not wasted on some bullshit toll. ### oFollower3 Dad, it's ok. I mean, let's just give 'em the money. It's fine. I don't want to see anybody get hurt. We can always spend less money. ### oBarkley Hoopz, I've taught you that sometimes people need to stand up for what's right, haven't I? Well this is one of those times. ### oFollower0 Cyberdwarf, what's wrong? ### oFollower2 Hmmm? Nothing, nothing at all. We just need to get a move on. The Spalding factory is our goal. Whatever you decide to do about this, do it quickly. We don't have the time to squander on these petty conflicts. B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. must be stopped. ### oFollower0 You heard it, Charles. You decide what we're going to do. Either we pay the toll, or pay a visit to whoever you like. Dr. Allard or the gate guard. You also might want to find out who that 'Rufus' in the note is. All we know is a name, but perhaps looking into it could give us something we could use. In any case, choose quickly please. ### oFollower0 You heard it, Charles. You decide what we're going to do. Either we pay the toll, or pay a visit to whoever you like. Dr. Allard or the gate guard. In any case, choose quickly please. ### oBarkley ### oBarkley ### oBarkley ### oBarkley ### oBarkley Allard: Goddamn it... Don't think you've beaten me you fucking rats! ### oBarkley Allard: Ughhhh... fuck... ### oBarkley Allard: Hmm? And who exactly are they? ### oBarkley Bodyguard: They just came in. Didn't say. ### oBarkley Allard: You there. I don't believe you have an appointment scheduled. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask if you all could leave. ### oBarkley Can't do that, doc. ### oBarkley Allard: And why not? ### oBarkley You run the gate. We need to get through it. ### oBarkley Allard: There's a procedure for that, you know. Head to the gate, I'm sure the men there will explain it for you. ### oBarkley I ain't payin your gatdam toll, Allard. ### oBarkley Allard: Oh really? Well, we'll have to talk about that. First of all though, you know my name but I don't know any of yours. ### oBarkley It's none of your fucking business. Just open the gate before your ass gets slammed and jammed. ### oBarkley Allard: Oh wait, I remember you. From all those news reports. Barkley... Charles Barkley, is it? ### oBarkley Just let us through the gate. ### oBarkley Allard: Charles Barkley, that's right. You're a wanted man, you know. Sirens have been blaring on the surface all day. We hear the echoes down here. I assume they're looking for you. Fifteen million. That's quite a bit of damage you did to Manhattan, Barkley. ### oBarkley That wasn't me you son of a bitch. ### oBarkley Allard: Right. Whenever somebody comes to the sewers, it "wasn't them." Regardless, you aren't in the best situation now are you? The police and the B-ball Removal Department looking for you topside, and here you are in my office acting like you have some kind of upper hand. Pitiful. You and your friends there are at my mercy, and you come at me with threats. Do you have any idea who I am? I run these sewers. All of these rats bow to me. They need me. I'll give you the chance to turn around now. ### oCyberdwarf Barkley, perhaps we shouldn't... ### oBarkley Shouldn't? He's a fucking tyrant and he needs to be stopped. ### oBarkley Allard: A tyrant? Hahaha. I'm a blessing to these rats. Here's a story for you: I wasn't always a doctor. I worked for a software company. We did computers, vidcons and things. I was grotesque. A pasty, balding wreck. My physical form was flabby and weak... so I decided to change it. Clispaeth put me a disgusting sack of flesh, and so I went to work on it. I studied genetic engineering, plastic surgery, even fashion. I was bald, so I gave myself hair. I cut away my fat and grew muscle in its stead. God gave me a body... I refused it, and made another of my liking. I destroyed God's plan for me, and made another of my own! And to these people in the sewers, I took his place. They come to me, sad souls imprisoned in pathetic husks. I am the one who sets them free! This time, I am their creator! I give them life, and so I claim these sewers as my dominion. And here you make demands of me. In these sewers, I am a god, and I am loved for it! ... You there. ### oCyberdwarf Me? ### oBarkley Allard: Your skin. Leathery, patterned, doesn't look synthetic from here. Basketballs, I'm assuming? ### oCyberdwarf Y...yes. It is made of basketballs. ### oBarkley Allard: It's patients like you who I can fix. People like you come to me in shackles, and I liberate them. And all I ask from them is obedience, and of course, a modest fee. I am a doctor after all. ### oBarkley You're a goddamn lunatic. ### oBarkley Allard: You're a stubborn one aren't you. I gave you a chance. Leonard, take care of them. ### oBarkley Bodyguard: ... Right away, sir. ### oBarkley ### oBarkley Alright, here you go. ### oBarkley I don't have ten, but here's what I've got. ### oBarkley Claude: I appreciate this, man. ### oBarkley There are plenty of suckers out there. I'm not one of 'em, chump. Try that shit on the next sap that comes through. ### oBarkley Claude: Whatever, man. ### oBarkley Claude: Thanks, man. I've been saving up but I wasn't getting anywhere. Pretty soon that tail's gonna be mine. ### oBarkley Claude: Get out of here man. ### oBarkley Claude: Hey, man... could you spare me ten neo-shekels? I'm trying to save up for my surgery. ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Suit: Motherfuckers. I think you broke my fucking rib. The door's open. Aghgh... ### oBarkley What do I want? I want you to get lost or get slammed. ### oBarkley Suit: By you? Hah. Let's see what you've got. ### oBarkley Suit: Then sit down like everyone else. ### oBarkley Are you rufus? ### oBarkley Suit: Rufus is doing guard duty in one of these tunnels. Allard just transferred him from gate duty. ### oBarkley Thanks. ### oBarkley Suit: Now sit down like everyone else. ### oBarkley Suit: Allard's gonna fucking kill us. ### oBarkley Suit: Hurry up and get in there. ### oBarkley When we get the final hardware, the performance is just going to skyrocket. Rufus sent me. ### oBarkley Suit: Okay, okay, not out loud. I don't want to have to learn another code. Go ahead. ### oBarkley Suit: What do you want? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Suit: I like your orange friend over there. The doctor could do some real good work on him. I'm guessing you're not here for surgery though. All the same, you're going to have to wait. Plenty of paying customers have been here for much longer than you have. Go have a seat. ### oBarkley Suit: Ugh... fine, go ahead. Just please don't kill me. ### oBarkley I'm here for Allard. Outta my way sucka. ### oBarkley Suit: It's been pretty slow recently. Thanks for this. ### oBarkley Suit: Then don't bother me. ### oBarkley Are you rufus? ### oBarkley Suit: No. ### oBarkley You know where I could find him? ### oBarkley Suit: I'm not a goddamn secretary. Take your questions somewhere else. ### oBarkley Suit: Please don't kill me... please... ### oBarkley Suit: I don't like making exceptions. ### oBarkley When we get the final hardware, the performance is just going to skyrocket. Rufus sent me. ### oBarkley Suit: Okay, okay, not out loud. I don't want to have to learn another code. Go ahead. ### oBarkley Suit: Yeah? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Suit: Allard's in with a patient. Busy. I suggest you wait like everyone else. ### oBarkley Suit: The hell do you think you're doing? ### oBarkley When we get the final hardware, the performance is just going to skyrocket. Rufus sent me. ### oBarkley Suit: Okay, okay, so out loud. I don't want to have to learn another code. Hurry up and go in. ### oBarkley Suit: What the hell do you think you're doing? ### oBarkley Suit: Dr. Allard takes one patient at a time. Don't try that again. ### oBarkley A pay phone. It's not responding. Hey, wait... There's a neo-shekel in the return change slot! ### oBarkley Found 1 Neo-Shekel! ### oBarkley Nothing to see here. ### oBarkley A cabinet filled with empty and used medical supplies. Can't get any gatdam medicine in the post-cyberpocalypse... ### oBarkley The... fog. ### oBarkley Ghost Dad, I... may never know who you were in life, but may you find the peace you sought in death... ### oBarkley The fog's clear now, all we need to do is go to the Spalding building. I think we can get there if we keep heading west through town. ### oBarkley Heh, so you're the Ghost Dad, huh? You don't look so goddamn tough to me. I've got all day to see the best you've got, chump! ### oBarkley So this is... Proto Neo New York. ### oHoopz Can... can we take a break dad? I'm getting kind of tired. ### oBalthios I'll be the first to second that. My dogs are barkin', Charles. ### oCyberdwarf I can keep going, but I still suggest we stop to gather our bearings and plan some things out. ### oBarkley Alright... ### oBarkley Hoopz, I... I wanted you to know I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting you involved in this whole mess, this whole goddamn mess. ### oHoopz Dad, it's okay... ### oBalthios It's best that we got Hoopz when we did. There's no telling what could have happened to him at the hands of Inspector Jordan and as much as I hate to say this, he's safer with us, despite the situation we're in. ### oBarkley It's just... this is just all so bonkers. It's all so gatdam bonkers. All of this, we're running around the Post-Cyberpocalypse looking for clues about who or what B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is and who did the Chaos Dunk and all this shit about the Ultimate B-Ball. It's just... bonkers. ### oCyberdwarf As bonkers as it may be, Charles, the world hangs on a fringe and we're the only ones capable of saving it. ### oBarkley You're right, Cyberdwarf. I know you are. I just wish shit didn't have to be this way. I wish it could just go back to when b-ball was b-ball with no shit attached and we didn't have to whisper every time we wanted to talk about Nike. It's like... the whole world's just fucked. ### oHoopz Well maybe we can change that. ### oBarkley Hoopz? ### oHoopz Dad, I've been meaning to ask you... what's the Cyberpocalypse? ### oBarkley Well Hoopz, I don't really know how to explain it to you. I'm not really a religious- ### oCyberdwarf 2000 years ago, a Jicklebergian freedom fighter was crucified by the British Empire in an event that is now known as the Boston Massacre. His name was... Clispaeth Ryuji Atuck. ### oHoopz You mean... THE Clispaeth? ### oCyberdwarf They are one and the same, Hoopz. It is shocking for many to give context to Clispaeth's historical relevance, but he was indeed real. He was the leader of an army that was fighting for the freedom of Jickleberg from the British Empire. The backlash of the Boston Massacre was tremendous; armies gathered underneath the banners of Clispaeth's remaining disciples to fight the British Empire. They fought. They fought for the duration of 666 years, until both sides were destroyed and the whole world obliterated. This was the Cyberpocalypse, and we are living in its consequences. ### oBarkley The Clispaeth I learned about in church was- ### oBarkley What the hell was that? ### oBalthios That laughter... it's coming from over there! ### oBarkley ???: Quickly! Run into the house! ### oBarkley Who's there? ### oBarkley ???: Do it or he'll get you! Quickly! ### oBarkley I don't know what the hell is going on but we'd better do it. ### oBarkley Juwanna, there has to be something I can do. I can't let Hoopz... ### oJuwanna I... I can only think of one thing, Charles. ### oBarkley Tell me, Juwanna, tell me! I'll do anything! ### oJuwanna I... I don't want you to get your hopes up because it's a long shot. A real long shot. ### oBarkley Anything, Juwanna, anything. ### oJuwanna ...okay. South of town, there's an old man who lives by himself. I don't know much about him but I know he knows more about diabetes than any other person on the planet. I don't know if he will help you or not, Charles. He's a real recluse and doesn't like strangers, especially ones who want something from him. ### oBarkley Juwanna... thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'll save Hoopz if it means I have to sacrifice myself. ### oJuwanna Charles... ### oBarkley I have to go now but... thank you. ### oJuwanna Good luck, Charles... ### oBarkley He's... gone, Juwanna Mann. The Ghost Dad is gone. ### oJuwanna And so is the fog, Barkley. ### oJuwanna Charles, I want to thank you for- ### oBarkley Juwanna, you know my heart still belongs to Maureen. ### oJuwanna But we're both so lonely, you and I. I could make you happy again Charles. We could both be happy. ### oBarkley I'm sorry, Juwanna, but I can't be happy knowing that somewhere out there, someone with the will and ability to perform another Chaos Dunk is alive. I can't sit still while people like B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. plot to molest the world. ### oJuwanna But... but why Charles? After all the world's done to you. ### oBarkley What's the world done to me that I haven't deserved, Juwanna? I took b-ball for granted and when it was taken away from me, I realized how important it really was. That's why I'm doing this Juwanna. I'm not doing this for me. I'm not doing this for you or Maureen or the world. I'm doing this for Hoopz. I'm doing it so he can grow up in the same world I grew up in, a world where layups got you applause, not arrested. I'm doing this so he can know the same sport I did. ### oJuwanna Charles... ### oBarkley I'm sorry, Juwanna. Goodbye. ### oJuwanna ...goodbye Charles. ### oBarkley What the hell is going on! What was that laughter? Who are you? ### oBarkley ???: Shhh! Quiet! He will hear us! ### oBarkley Wh-who? ### oBarkley ???: The... Ghost Dad. ### oBarkley Just tell me what the hell is going on here! ### oBarkley ???: K-keep it down! He's still here! Can't you hear him? ### oBarkley ???: Shit... ### oBarkley ???: I think... I think he's gone now. That was close. Charles, I haven't seen you in a long time. ### oBarkley What? I've never seen you in my life. ### oBarkley ???: You don't recognize my sensual curves and delicate frame, Charles Barkley? I was once the talk of the WNBA. Oh, but I suppose that the loose b-ball energies have ravaged my body and time has ravaged your memory. ### oBarkley Ju... Juwanna? Juwanna Mann? It can't be you. You were one of the first killed in the Purge! What happened to you? ### oJuwanna That's what the TVs said. I paid off those lousy reporters with what money I had left and went into hiding down here in Proto Neo New York... What I didn't know was that the b-ball energy levels down here were so high that all who were exposed became... b-ball mutants. ### oBarkley Juwanna, I had no idea... ### oJuwanna Nobody did. Not at first. But that's not even the worst of it. ### oBarkley ...the Ghost Dad. ### oJuwanna I don't know who he is or where he came from, Charles, but he's terrible. He haunts the streets of Proto Neo New York looking for victims for his sadistic whims. We were already miserable, but before the Ghost Dad came, we could at least be miserable in peace. ### oBarkley I'm really sorry, Juwanna Mann, but we're only here because we're on our way to the old Spalding building. We're not here to stay. ### oJuwanna Heh, the old Spalding building. Want to relive your past glories, huh? That's a shame, Barkley. ### oBarkley A shame? Why? ### oJuwanna Because the old Spalding building's cut off by the fog. Don't even bother trying to stumble through that shit, you'll just get lost and wind up back here. Trust me, we've tried to reach it and... we lost a few men. It's because of the Ghost Dad, Charles. He's causing the mist, and I'm sure if you destroy him you can clear it out. Your only real option is to go into town and accept the hunter quest on the bulletin board to defeat the Ghost Dad and clear out the fog. ### oBarkley Bulletin board? Hunter quest? What's all this? ### oJuwanna Ask Ramirez. He's standing next to the hunter quest bulletin board and he's an expert. He can get you started out as a monster hunter. ### oBarkley It looks like we've got no other choice. We'll accept the hunt quest and kill the Ghost Dad. ### oJuwanna Thank you Charles... I mean it. Thank you. ### oBarkley Don't think I'm doing it out of the kindness of my heart, Juwanna. ### oJuwanna Charles, I believe in you. Don't ever forget that. ### oJuwanna So you accepted the hunter quest, Barkley? I thought you would. The Ghost Dad's been terrorizing Proto Neo New York for years now. We've been living in its wake and at its mercy for too long and it's time something is done about it. Problem is, we're just not cut out for fighting here, so that's why we hired y- ### oBarkley Shit, it sounds like he's back. ### oJuwanna That's your cue, Barkley. Oh and be careful out there... for me. ### oBarkley Juwanna, you know my heart belongs to Maureen even in death. ### oJuwanna I... I know. She was a lucky woman Charles... G-good luck out there! I know you can do it! ### oBarkley I'll do what I can, Juwanna... ### oJuwanna I... I just wanted to thank you one more time, Charles. ### oBarkley Yeah, it was nothing... I really need to get going now. ### oJuwanna O-okay... good luck. ### oBarkley Thanks... ### oJuwanna Have you checked the town hunt quest board yet, Barkley? ### oBarkley No, not yet. ### oJuwanna Who knows, you may find more lucrative hunts on it than just the Ghost Dad. ### oBarkley We'll see, Juwanna. We'll see. ### oBarkley Rick: You don't have to stare at me, I know I'm a freak. I wasn't always like this. I used to be a pretty handsome guy, kind of like yourself. That all changes once you start living down here, once you start sucking in those b-ball energies. It's everywhere. It's in the air, it's in the ground, it's in the food, it's in the walls. You can't avoid it no matter what you do. It'll get you as long as you're down here and when it does, you start to change. Maybe your hair will get thin and wirey like a net, or maybe you'll grow a b-ball tumor or maybe your hands will turn into whistles. It's different for everyone, but one thing's for sure: as long as you're down here it'll get you. ### oBarkley Rick: Word's been going around you're willing to take care of the Ghost Dad. I don't know why you'd want to do that for a bunch of freaks like us, but it's a real kind gesture. We don't usually get visitors and when we do, they're not the good kind. It's hard to believe that people can be motivated by more than just greed these days, especially down here. ### oBarkley Wendy: None of us chose to come down here, we're all victims of circumstance. Some of us might have been running from the law, others because they just didn't fit in up there. It doesn't matter why we're here, what matters is that we're outcasts and none of us can ever go back up. They say there's a doctor up there who can help people to look however they want, but could he help a person like me? My hands, my feet... they're basketballs. We came down here because of shame. If we went back up, it'd only be worse. ### oBarkley Wendy: Why'd I come down here? I couldn't take it anymore, the way they decided who did and didn't belong. That's what they did with the Purge, it was their way of saying we don't want you if you can dribble a basketball. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a basketball player but it was only a matter of time before they did it again with some other group. I wasn't going to let that happen to me. I wasn't going to get killed because I didn't fit the status quo... It's kind of sad, though, what I've become. I don't know what's going on up there anymore but I have to wonder if I made the right choice. I don't think dying would be so bad after all. ### oBarkley Ramirez: It looks like you've got your first hunt underway, kid. The Ghost Dad? You could've picked something a little easier, huh? I guess the thought of being a big bad monster hunter got to your head. Don't forget, before you take on the Ghost Dad, you've still got to talk to the person who commissioned it first. Oh and, good luck... hunter. ### oBarkley Ramirez: It looks like you bagged your first monster, kid. I knew you had it in you, but you can't stop there. There are even more hunter quests posted on the bulletin board that you can accept for rare and lucrative rewards. Heh, who knows, maybe rank S hunter like me some day. ### oBarkley Ramirez: This your first time at the hunter quest bulletin board, kid? ### oBarkley Huh? Yeah, I guess. ### oBarkley Ramirez: Heh, greenhorns. Well I'm sure you got a whole mess of questions just waiting to be answered. That's my job. Ramirez, pleased to meet you. Let's get started on the basics. That's the hunter quest bulletin board. It shows all the hunter quests that are currently available to you. Hunter quests are jobs or missions you can accept that require you to perform a task for someone, usually hunting down a monster. You got that? ### oBarkley Yeah. ### oBarkley Ramirez: Heh, you're not as dumb as you look, kid, but don't let it get to your head. The bright ones are the ones that always think they know everything and do something stupid and I don't want to see that happen to you. You can see more information on a specific hunt by selecting it. You can gauge your hunt's difficult by its monster grade, which can range from E - weak to S - strong. I'd start with rank E monsters and work your way up if were you. ### oBarkley Okay. ### oBarkley Ramirez: But that's not all. Once you accept a hunt, you still have to go and talk to whoever commisioned it. After that, the hunt begins. It sounds a lot more complicated than it really is, but you should try it out. Who knows, if you're smart and know what you're doing, you may end up a real hunter after all. ### oBarkley Ramirez: Try it out. Go up to the hunter bulletin board and accept a hunt. Pick something easier to start out with and try to work your way up. Remember, the more difficult the hunt you accept is, the better your reward will be. ### oBarkley All VP, BP, and conditions restored! ### oBarkley Damnit... Don't got enough Neo-Shekles to pay... ### oBarkley All VP, BP, and conditions restored! ### oBarkley Marlon: Well, come back whenever you want. ### oBarkley Marlon: This isn't a hotel or anything but you can stay as long as you pay. ### oBarkley Stay at inn? You have $[GOLD]. ### oBarkley Marlon: There's a room in the back if you want it. I guess we owe you for getting rid of the Ghost Dad. ### oBarkley Rest? ### oBarkley Mark: But... But! You can't do this! You can't simply dangle the finest piece of craftsmanship in front of the face of a master guns'braster! You MUST give it to me... I... I am suffocating. I will surely die without it, now that I have seen it. Please... ### oBarkley Nope. ### oBarkley Mark: You leave me no choice. If I can't have the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N., I will follow it until my very demise. ### oBarkley What? Get outta my face. ### oBarkley Mark: G.U.N.S... ### oBarkley Mark: Yes... The power... The mystique... I shall not soon forget this, bringer of the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. You will undoubtedly go in the history books for this. ### oBarkley What about my reward? ### oBarkley Mark: Oh, how could I forget? Here it is. ### oBarkley Mark: I won this at the 2038 Gun'sCon for the best gun's collection. It's all yours now. ### oBarkley What. ### oBarkley Mark: Treasure it. That is the closest you will ever come to becoming a true guns'braster... ### oFollower0 I think we better go now. ### oBarkley Mark: Something is different... This exceptional feeling... The F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N.! That's it! You must give it to me! I must have it! ### oBarkley I got that gun you wanted. Now what's in it for me? ### oBarkley Mark: Outstanding! It's even more magnificent in person... Right, like I mentioned before, you hand it over, and you shall get a priceless item in return. ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Mark: I cannot be disturbed! I must intensely study this gun. Humanity depends on it... ### oBarkley Mark: Psst, I hear a rumor that you're going to the old Spalding building. Is that true? ### oBarkley What's it to you, chump? ### oBarkley Mark: Gun's... Let me elaborate. I'm what you call a "Gun'sbraster", a collector and afficionado of gun's. In fact, you could go so far as to say that all I care about is gun's. ### oBarkley Get to the point. ### oBarkley Mark: Ah, but what is the point..? But enough of my enlightened musings, I am sure you want to know what my extreme love of gun's has to do with you. You see, it has come to my attention that a particular item of note to gun's enthusiasts such as myself is currently inside the old Spalding Building. It's name: The F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. Some say it was a prototype that Spalding was building before it disappeared in the Purge. Other say it was made by the devil himself. Heh, I don't care. I only care about gun's... ### oBarkley You want us to get this gun for you, huh? What's in it for us? ### oBarkley Mark: The knowledge that you have aided the premiere gun'sbraster should be enough to slake your... primitive desire for a reward. ### oBarkley Fuck you, buddy. No deal. ### oBarkley Mark: Okay, okay. I'll give you something nice. Something rare and valuable, okay? ### oBarkley That's more like it. We'll get you this... F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. or whatever. ### oBarkley Mark: ...anything for gun's. ### oBarkley Mark: Have you gotten the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. yet? ### oBarkley Not yet. ### oBarkley Mark: I'm not paying you to stand around! This will be duly noted when time comes for payment. ### oHundley Uh, sorry. I don't really have any money. I can't pay you back or anything. ### oBarkley ...What! ### oHundley I forgot that I don't have any neo-shekels. ### oBarkley You goddamn bum! I'm gonna slam you- ### oFollower0 Charles, let's leave him. The people down here already have nothing. There's no need to make things more difficult for them. ### oBarkley ... But! Argh, fine. You're lucky pal. You better hope we don't cross paths again. ### oHundley You're not a high enough roller to play at Hundley's Casino. You need at least 25 neo-shekels. ### oHundley Too scared to lose? I don't blame you, I wouldn't bet against me either if I were you. ### oHundley Welcome to Hundley's Casino. ### oBarkley Huh? Casino? ### oHundley Why don't you try your luck on one of our games? ### oBarkley I don't see any games-- ### oHundley Our most popular game is called "Bones". Care to play? ### oBarkley Choose. ### oHundley Crawling back to Hundley's Casino again, I see. Want to play again? ### oBarkley Choose. ### oHundley ... ### oBarkley Don't even look at me, chump. ### oBarkley Pump: The Vidcon Manifesto by Pump 1. All vidcons must be released alongside a minimum of FOUR limited edition wall scrolls. The wall scrolls will feature pictures of characters from the vidcon in the anime style. The only exceptions to this rule are sports games, which will not be released with any wall scrolls (as there is enough sports memorabilia to last its ignorant fans for a lifetime). 2. Only one vidcon per sport can be released a year. For example, there can only be one basketball vidcon, one football vidcon, one baseball vidcon, etc. 3. All vidcons with English voice acting must make Japanese voice acting optional. Furthermore, they must allow for subtitles. "Subs not dubs." 4. All RPGs must strictly adhere to the moe aesthetic (this may anger some Western RPG vidconners, but I barely consider them vidconners at all.) 5. All vidcons must have a minimum of three beautifully crafted anime cutscenes. 6. All vidcons must be released alongside its full, feature-length soundtrack. In order to avoid confusion, the soundtrack MUST be called GAMENAME OST (for example Ar Tonelico: Melody of Elemia OST). It may not have any subtitles (for example Ar Tonelico: Melody of Elemia Rhapsody of Music Soundtrack). This rule does NOT apply to arranged soundtracks. ### oBarkley Huh? ### oHundley YOU ARE A FAGGOTSTEIN. ### oBarkley Who, me? ### oHundley Installing barkley_trojan.bat... Virus installation complete. ### oBarkley What the fuck just happend? Hey, where did all my neo-shekels go?! ### oBarkley Ghost Dad - Rank E Monster Commissioned by - Juwanna Mann Comments - "Yuckamundo! The [Ghost Dad] has been making a real mess of things down here in [Proto Neo New York]! Help us get rid of him and maybe even the [fog] on the road to the old [Spalding Building] will clear up!" - Juwanna Mann ### oBarkley Ghost Dad - Rank E Monster Commissioned by - Juwanna Mann Comments - "Yuckamundo! The Ghost Dad has been making a real mess of things down here in Proto Neo New York! Help us get rid of him and maybe even the fog on the road to the old Spalding Building will clear up!" - Juwanna Mann ### oBarkley Accept this quest? ### oBarkley Really leave monster quest board? ### oBarkley This monster quest has already been completed! ### oBarkley Monster quest accepted! Report to Juwanna Mann for further details! ### oBarkley Monster quest cancelled! ### oBarkley Current quest: The Ghost Dad. ### oBarkley Current monster quests available: ### oBarkley Shit, the fog is so thick that I can barely see anything in front of me. We'd better go back. ### oBarkley Shit, the fog is so thick that I can barely see anything in front of me. We'd better go back. ### oBarkley Soldier: Move along, citizen. ### oBarkley D-Dawg: Welcome to Gun's! Gun's! Gun's!, your one-stop shopping emporium for all things gun's related! ### oBarkley D-Dawg: You can never have enough Gun's! ### oBarkley Sh-shit! ### oFollower0 Well, the ladder's broken now so we won't be able to go back up. ### oBarkley Damnit... Let's just keep going forward. ### oWildman Step off, pond scum. ### oWildman ...Good luck. ### oWildman ???: ... Get away from me. ### oBarkley Suit yourself, chump. See -- wait... Do I know you? ### oWildman ???: B... Barkley? ### oBarkley Wildman... You're as pale as a ghost now. ### oWildman I'm ashamed to say we used to jam together... ... I wouldn't be surprised if you forgot the meaning of that word. ### oBarkley Why you gotta say shit like that man? What changed since we last met that would make you think something like that? ### oWildman Get off your Clispaeth damned high horse Barkley. You killed the only thing that ever meant a damn to me. You cursed us all, Barkley. You cursed us all. ### oFollower0 Charles, there are more pressing issues to address right now. I suggest -- ### oBarkley No, Balthios. I gotta sort this out. Look, I know I messed up. I can't change that, but I'll be damned if anyone tries to stop me from making things better. ### oWildman You make me sick... In fact, you're the very reason I was infected with the negative B-Ball energies. Now, this place is a wasteland. ... B-Ball was always there for you when you needed it most. Where were you when B-Ball needed you most? ... Running like a coward, you pond scum. ### oBarkley You don't know what it's like. You'll never know what it's like. ### oWildman You're right, I won't. I'd never become the monster you are. ### oBarkley I... I don't know what to tell you. ### oWildman Hardly surprising... ... You never even had the guts to say you're sorry. ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley It won't open. Damnit. ### oFollower0 Those terminals we saw near the entrance should be able to open this. ### oBarkley It won't open. Damnit. ### oFollower0 Those terminals we saw near the entrance should be able to open this. ### oBarkley Damnit, it's locked. There's a green slot, so maybe we need a green key or something. ### oBarkley Th-that dream? It felt so real. But it couldn't be. Still, I feel the power of ghosts coursing through my veins. Perhaps the Ghost Dad wasn't such a bad guy after all... ### oBarkley ???: Barkley... Barkley, can you hear me? Greetings from beyond the grave. ### oBarkley ???: It is I, the Ghost Dad. I have come to haunt you, but also to help you. It is true that I haunted Proto Neo New York, but I did it with good intentions. But this is not why I am here. I wanted to thank you for freeing me from my ghastly chains of bondage, for saving me from the hex that I unwittingly placed upon myself years ago. I am finally free to return to the Ghost Domain thanks to you and I am no longer cursed by this dastardly hex. I want to show my appreciation by giving you a power that very few ghosts attain, let alone mortals. It is the precious Ghost Muscle, a skill that fortifies your body with the incredible power of ghosts. I hope you use it as wisely as I did. ### oBarkley Barkley learned "Ghost Muscle"! ### oBarkley Ghost Dad: Farwell, Barkley. May my powers aid you on your journey. ### oBarkley Captured $2500 Neo-Shekels! ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: Excellent. Here are the Neo-Shekels as promised. ### oBarkley Received 2500 Neo-Shekels! ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: Square-Enix-Goya appreciates your patronage. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: Square-Enix-Goya does not take kindly to your attitude. It is apparent you can no longer be trusted. ### oBarkley Tough luck, chump. Pay up or shut up. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: No. We shall take it by force. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: You fail to understand that I cannot simply let you leave with the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. ### oBarkley Huh? I don't want to give it to you. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: We had a deal. You have an obligation to hand it over to us, in exchange for $2500. ### oBarkley Look chump, I changed my mind. Deal with it. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: I will ask again... Remember that Square-Enix-Goya frowns upon those who do not fulfill business transactions. ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: Very well. You will lose your life for your insolence. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: Dear Goya... The F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N... I trust you remember your partnership with Square-Enix-Goya, Mr. Barkley. ### oBarkley I'll need to see some shekels before we go any further. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: Of course. Take a look for yourself, $2500 is in this suitcase. ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: You do not have the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N., do you? ### oBarkley I've been sort of busy. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: Do not forget that you will be getting a $2500 reward, Mr. Barkley. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: You are... Charles Barkley, correct? ### oBarkley Uhh... ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: Don't worry, Mr. Barkley. Square-Enix-Goya is not at all concerned with your current legal status. We wish to propose... a business arrangement. ### oBarkley I don't really want to hear it. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: It has come to the attention of Square-Enix-Goya that a particular object of interest is within the ruins of the Spalding building, one F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N., a weapon of incredible power and magnitude. We believe that it would be in the best interest of Square-Enix-Goya stockholders and consumers for the company to obtain and replicate this product for mass consumption. ### oBarkley Wait, so you want to sell this thing? Put more gun's out on the streets? ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: Precisely, and we are willing to pay you $2500 to retrieve it for us. ### oBarkley Your shining suit and fine words have convinced me. I will help Square-Enix-Goya any way I can. ### oBarkley Square-Enix-Goya Representative: One last thing. If a certain gun'sbraster named Mark approaches you about the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N., ignore him and remember your obligation to Square-Enix-Goya. ### oBarkley Anything to further Square-Enix-Goya's corporate agenda! ### oBarkley Pump: There is, perhaps, only one medium of art that matches the excellence of vidcons and that is (obviously) visual kei. Combining absolutely exquisite j-rock and j-pop, sprinkled with hints of vidcon melodies, with the pyrotechnic visual flare that the Japanese are known for, visual kei takes its viewers on a rollercoaster ride of lights, fanfare, and music that even Beethoven could tap his toes to. Would that I were Japanese, (though under careful scrutiny, it appears my geneology tree does in fact show signs of a Japanese presence) I too would participate in this art of the 21st century and even perhaps venture onto the visual kei stage myself. It is no surprise that the impotent minds of Western society cannot fully grasp the total splendor of visual kei and instead choose to squandor their time listening to rap and country "music". ### oFollower2 The Spalding Factory... Who knows what lurks in these halls. ### oBarkley What are these? ### oFollower0 They still appear to be functioning, even after all these years. ### oFollower0 Computer: Current lift status: inactive. Please insert red key. ### oBarkley Lift status? Is this a fucking vidcon or something? ### oFollower3 It probably means there's a lift somewhere that's not working. We've probably gotta put in the red key to get it moving. ### oBarkley How'd you figure that out, Hoopz? ### oFollower3 Vidcons, dad! ### oBarkley Vidcons... ### oFollower0 We need to get moving, Charles. ### oBarkley Alright. Let's see what we can find in this factory... ### oFollower0 Computer: Current lift status: inactive. Please insert red key. ### oBarkley I guess we'd better find it then. ### oFollower0 Computer: Current lift status: active. ### oFollower0 Computer: Current lift status: inactive. Please insert red key. ### oFollower3 Hurry up dad, put it in! ### oBarkley Here goes... ### oBarkley Whoa, what the hell was that? ### oFollower0 Computer: Current lift status: active. ### oFollower0 So does that mean the elevator's working now? ### oFollower3 I don't think so, Mr. James. We still have to find the blue key. ### oFollower0 Damn. Alright, we'd better go find it. ### oFollower0 Computer: Current lift status: inactive. Please insert blue key. ### oBarkley I guess we'd better find it then. ### oFollower0 Computer: Current lift status: active. ### oBarkley Basically I am done with keys. That shit was awful. ### oFollower0 Computer: Current lift status: inactive. Please insert red key. ### oBarkley Alright, I'm going to put it in... ### oFollower0 Computer: Current lift status: active. ### oBarkley Damn, why the hell did they make the elevator activation system do that shit? I can't even think of one reason why the whole fucking building should shake when you put the key in. ### oFollower0 It's probably just for security measures. It doesn't matter, the elevator's working now. Let's go! ### oBarkley I hope they didn't have to do this key shit every time they wanted to use the elevator. ### oBarkley ### oFollower0 ### oBarkley ### oFollower0 ### oBarkley ### oFollower0 ### oBarkley ### oFollower0 ### oBarkley I don't see anything in here worth reading. ### oBarkley I got no time for this shit. Let's go. ### oFollower0 Progress Report : 11/14/2039 The test subject's internal gatoraide levels have risen dramatically. His ability to retain electrolites is impressive and has even managed to make an impact on Dr. Cosby. There seem to be no negative effects of the prototype and the Master says that we may have a physical product on the market by mid-2041. -Davis ### oFollower0 2041... the year of the Great B-ball Purge... ### oBarkley This ball would've been out there if it weren't for the Purge. If it weren't for me... ### oFollower3 Dad... ### oBarkley Come on, let's go. ### oBarkley Hmm... nothing in here. ### oFollower0 This must've been the tech room. None of these computers seem to be functioning anymore. ### oBarkley Nothing. Not even a single paper in here. ### oFollower3 Slamicite, jamicite... it's all a blur to me. ### oBarkley Someday when you're grown up, you'll understand. ### oFollower3 I sure hope so, dad. ### oBarkley Progress Report : 11/25/2039 The key component necessary to make the prototype b-ball is manufacted slamicite. Dr. Cosby's claims that manufacted jamicite is safer and has less of a chance of reacting negatively to inbalanced b-ball energies are completely unsubstantiated and contrary to all of our lab results. There is very little doubt that when we begin mass producing the ball, we will be making it with manufacted slamicite. -Davis ### oBarkley Manufacted slamicite... ### oFollower2 How could they not know...? How could they not see the danger in manufacted slamicite? ### oFollower3 What's the difference? ### oFollower2 The differences are numerous but mundane. Know, however, that manufacted jamicite emits exponentially less negative b-ball energies than its slamicite counterpart. ### oFollower0 This... does not bode well. Still, we had better continue. ### oBarkley Hey, there's some b-ball juice in here. Who'd throw their b-ball juice away? ### oFollower0 The b-ball juice you found in there probably expired years ago... ### oBarkley We don't have time to sift through progress reports. Let's go. ### oBarkley Progress Report : 12/13/2039 The test subject's b-ball glands have shown rapid growth in the past two weeks, increasing by nearly twice in size. His jam output has quadrupled in the last week alone when using the prototype. Still, Dr. Cosby seems skeptical about the recent progress we have made, claiming that we are trying to become the 'gods of b-ball'. Surely he is mistaken. -Davis ### oFollower0 Gods of b-ball? ### oBarkley With a ball like this, it's no wonder some would be skeptical. Dr. Cosby must surely hold great respect for the rules of the game. ### oFollower2 We all have respect for the rules of the game, Charles. It is not about that. I think this... "Dr. Cosby" is more afraid of the destruction this ball is capable of. ### oBarkley I'll keep that in mind. We should move on. ### oFollower3 Make way, clues! Gumshoe on the loose! ### oFollower0 What's the deal, Barkley? Why do you keep looking in trashcans? ### oBarkley Clues, Balthios. Precious clues... ### oBarkley There's gotta be something in here... nope. ### oBarkley What the hell is this sticking out of the trashcan? ### oFollower2 Hmm, it's a Dwarfbane. I can use this. ### oBarkley Hmmm, no more Dwarfbanes... ### oBarkley Come on, we've got to move. There's nothing more we can learn from this. ### oFollower3 Hey Dad, there's a .ARWJE file on this computer. It says... ### oBarkley Progress Report : 12/22/2039 We've been experiencing phenomenal results with the prototype. The test subject's slams, jams, and freethrows have all increased by at least 1,000% each. The performance enhancement capabilities of this ball are tremendous to say the least. -Davis ### oFollower0 So it's a b-ball... ### oBarkley This ball... it's amazing. ### oFollower0 Yes, it sounds incredibly powerful. The benefits it could have provided to society seem limitless. Still, we have to question what it could do in the wrong hands... ### oBarkley Maybe there are more documents about the prototype in this cabinet. ### oFollower2 No, Barkley. We can't waste the time. ### oBarkley Progress Report : 12/30/2039 The prototype's aerodynamics by far surpass anything else ever witnessed. Our top scientists estimate that in capable hands, the prototype can pass the speed of sound. -Davis ### oFollower2 Dear Clispaeth... the b-ball that they were working on- ### oFollower0 We don't know if it's a basketball, Cyberdwarf. Spalding made a number of balls in their heyday. This could be any number of things. We'll just have to keep going and find out. We're wasting too much time just standing here. We've got to keep going. ### oBarkley Right. ### oBarkley This cabinet has a whole lotta nothing. ### oBarkley There's nothing in here. ### oBarkley Maybe the key is in one of these drawers... Nope. Nothing. ### oBarkley Anything in here? Doesn't look like it. ### oBarkley Nope, nothing here. ### oBarkley Anything in this trashcan? ### oFollower0 Ugh, that's disgusting. ### oBarkley Do we want to find the key or not? ### oFollower0 Whatever, look. ### oBarkley ...nope. Nothing here. ### oBarkley ???: Well hello there, you must be the visitors the Master said we'd be expecting! ### oBarkley Someone's expecting us? ### oBarkley ???: The Master said he's been expecting you for a while. Must be important business stuff. I don't know what goes on in those fancy meeting rooms, I'm just the janitor. Leonard's the name, pleased to meet you. ### oBarkley What are you doing here? Nobody's here, man. ### oBarkley Leonard: Haha, good one! Hey, I've got to get going but if you're going to stick around, make sure you don't make that much noise. I think they're busy on some new prototype b-ball or something. Catch you later! ### oBarkley What the hell was that? ### oFollower0 I'm not really sure. One thing I thought was interesting was that he said Spalding was working on a prototype b-ball. Do you think it could be what we're looking for? ### oBarkley I'm more interested in who's been expecting us... We should probably get going. ### oFollower2 Yeah, let's go. ### oBarkley Leonard: Oh, it's you guys again. Thought I'd catch you here. Taking a tour of the Spalding building, huh? Just don't make a racket. Look, I shouldn't be telling you this, but some of the scientists are going to try out the latest model of their prototype later today so they're a little edgy. You don't want to get in their way. ### oBarkley Leonard, what the hell are you talking about? Nobody's here. The Spalding building's been abandoned since the Purge. ### oBarkley Leonard: Purge? What are you talking about? I've worked here for 16 years... Hey, it's getting late. You don't want to keep the Master waiting. You know how he gets. I'll catch you guys later! ### oBarkley What the hell is going on? Is this guy in his own world or what? ### oFollower2 Something is seriously wrong here. It's like he doesn't even know about the Purge. ### oFollower0 He could have some post-traumatic stress disorder or something and he is reliving this day over and over again. ### oBarkley He's probably fucking bonkers. A lunatic or something. Whatever. We gotta get going. ### oBarkley Leonard: Hey guys, looks like you finally made it to the top floor. The Master's waiting for you in the room over there. ### oBarkley Leonard... there's something you need to know. ### oBarkley Leonard: Huh, what? What are you talking about? Am I getting fired or something? ### oBarkley Sort of. This is going to be a really hard pill to swallow so just sit tight with me, okay? ### oBarkley Leonard: What the hell is going on here? What are you talking about? ### oFollower0 Leonard, you're a ghost. You died 12 years ago in an accident that occured when they were testing the prototype b-ball. We don't know what happened or how, but somehow you were killed. You've been living the last day of your life for the past 12 years, Leonard. ### oBarkley Leonard: Wh-what? Is this a fucking joke or something? Are you fucking kidding me? ### oFollower2 No Leonard, I am sorry, it is true. You are a ghost. The Spalding building has been empty since the Purge, which happened shortly after you were killed. You've been wandering these halls in limbo ever since, not realizing any of this. ### oBarkley Leonard: N-no. I don't believe you, I don't believe any of this! ### oFollower0 When was the last time you were home, Leonard? ### oBarkley Leonard: Last night! What the hell do you think? ### oFollower0 No, Leonard. Think hard, when was the last time you really went home. Home, Leonard. ### oBarkley Leonard: Home... I... I went outside a long time ago and it was so different from how it used to be. I... couldn't find my way home so I came back here. ### oFollower0 You've been living here, Leonard, cleaning these hallways without realizing what you are. ### oBarkley Leonard: But... ### oFollower0 12 years ago you died, Leonard. You have to accept it or you will be in ghost jeopardy for eternity. ### oBarkley Leonard: I... I know. ### oBarkley Leonard: I'm going home. ### oBarkley What? ### oBarkley Leonard: I want to thank you for making me realize. I'm going home now. ### oFollower2 He's finally gone to the Ghost Dimension. ### oBarkley Wh-what's this? ### oFollower0 Do you think he left it for us? ### oFollower2 I believe he did, Balthios. I believe it was his parting gift to us for helping him on his way to the Ghost Dimension. ### oBarkley I believe ghosts are like dogs and they just sort of do things arbitrarily. ### oBarkley ### oBarkley ### oFollower0 A red key card; this should work on those terminals we saw earlier. ### oBarkley I guess we need to head back to the start. ### oFollower3 Owwwww! ### oBarkley Hoopz! What's wrong? ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: Excellent, excellent. ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: The prototype performs even better than planned. The test subject's strength, stamina, and speed have all improved remarkably and his skill has increased nearly tenfold. ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: Working on the prototype, Davis? ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: Yes, Doctor Cosby. Look at this analysis report. The test subject is showing near-Jordan performance. This is incredible! ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: I agree, this is very incredible but... doesn't this remind you of anything? ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: Remind me of anything? What do you mean, Doctor Cosby? ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: The... Space Jam, Davis. Look at all of this. We have created a basketball that not only enhances the physical attributes of the user, but also the skills and abilities. Think of the destruction this ball could cause in capable hands. I'm not going to be held responsible if some nobody does a Forbidden Dunk in a pickup game and someone gets hurt because of this ball. ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: That's ridiculous, Doctor Cosby! This ball is not nearly as powerful as the Ultimate B-ball. It is not only completely unfounded for you to compare the two, but it is just plain bananas. ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: Call me bananas, Davis. I don't give a damn. I'm not going to let anyone get hurt because of a fucking b-ball. ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: He's gone bananas... he's gone absolutely bananas. ### oBarkley Hoopz! Are you ok?! ### oFollower3 My head hurts, dad. ### oFollower2 Something's not right here... ### oBarkley None of this shit adds up. None of it. ### oFollower0 Fortunately we found the keycard. Let's go back. ### oBarkley ### oBarkley There's something in here... ### oBarkley There's nothing interesting here... ### oBarkley I don't see anything in here. ### oBarkley Damnit, another broken computer. ### oFollower3 Dad, wait. It's not broken, it's just that the XG receptors aren't connected to the tekscreen adapter. Here, let me set it up... There! Good as new, try it now, dad. ### oBarkley H-how'd you do that, Hoopz? ### oFollower3 Easy, dad! Just hookin' up vidcons! ### oBarkley I'm... I'm proud of you, son. Now let's see what it says. Hmmm... ### oFollower0 Progress Report : 01/08/2040 Davis' haste has blinded him to the very real dangers presented by manufacted slamicite. The negative b-ball energies emitted by the substance are enormous. Perhaps when we scientists have better studied manufacted slamicite can we put it to a more practical and safe use. Furthermore, I question the ethical use of this ball that, if used in its full potential, can change the entire balance of the game. - Cosby ### oFollower0 This ball... it could have changed everything. ### oFollower2 That's an understatement, Balthios. It is very clear through the progress reports we have been reading that this ball's power rivalled that of the Ultimate B-ball. This ball could have changed the world. ### oBarkley We won't find it just standing here. Come on. Let's go. ### oBarkley Is there anything else on this computer we can use, Hoopz? ### oFollower3 Sorry, dad. The data's been scrambled by a circuit fry. We'll need more megahurtz. ### oFollower2 We don't have time to decipher wingdings, let's go. ### oBarkley Another empty cabinet. ### oBarkley Nothing in here worth checking out. ### oFollower3 Do we really have to check everything, dad? ### oBarkley Well Hoopz, we're trying to find the blue key, but more importantly we're trying to get the scoop. We want to know as much as we can about Spalding, the prototype, B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S., and anything else we can get manage to learn. ### oFollower3 The scoop, huh? I'll remember that... ### oFollower0 Wait, look. Something's in here. It looks like a zauber! ### oFollower0 There is an old octoroon saying, Barkley. "One man's trash is another man's treasure." ### oBarkley Words to live by, Balthios. Words to live by. ### oBarkley No more zaubers in here. ### oBarkley What are all these computers? ### oFollower3 It looks like this used to be the central data processing hub for Spalding. All the data that went out to other computers started here. It looks like most of the stuff was sports stats. Who's MVP, who's got the most points scored, who has the most rebounds. Stuff like that. They've also got info on individual ballers too. Let's see, Charles Barkley... ### oBarkley Hoopz, no... ### oFollower3 Here we go. Let's see what it says... Name: Charles Barkley Date of birth: 2/20/1963 Blood Type: B Muscles: 10/10 Gumption: Unlimited Danger: 9/10 Weapon: Deadly B-balls Special moves: Chaos Dunk - Charles Barkley is the only human alive capable of performing the legendary and enigmatic Chaos Dunk, a move shrouded in mystery. Although little is known about the move, it has been gathered by Spalding intelligence that the dunk is devastatingly powerful. ### oBarkley That's enough, Hoopz! ### oBarkley I... I'm sorry. It's just that- ### oFollower0 Charles, it's okay. Come on, we'd better get moving. ### oFollower3 Can I check out more sports stats on this, dad? ### oBarkley Now is not the time, Hoopz. Perhaps if we ever find ourselves in a more peaceful time... maybe then you can look up sports stats. ### oBarkley This shelf looks totally empty. ### oFollower0 I don't think this computer will ever work again. Who knows what deadly b-ball secrets it held? ### oBarkley Damnit, another broken computer. ### oFollower3 I don't think I can fix this one, dad. The flexdrive's external hypercircuitry has been rerouted beyond repair. If I could get to the CPU access memory I'd be able to encrypt some data nodes, but I don't think we have time for that. ### oBarkley It's okay, son. You did your best and that's what counts. ### oBarkley Nothing here. Let's go. ### oBarkley Is there anything else we really need to see here? ### oFollower0 Not really. ### oBarkley Didn't think so. ### oBarkley Progress Report : 01/21/2040 The near-Jordan levels of b-ball that the test subject is exhibiting are both fascinating and horrifying on a philosophical standpoint. We have in our hands a tool that could bring the game to new heights and harken a new golden era. Conversely, it has the potential destroy society as we know it. Indeed, the parallels between this and the Ultimate B-ball are frightening. -Cosby ### oFollower3 So wait, how come they were making it if they didn't want to? ### oFollower2 I don't think it's that Dr. Cosby didn't want to create this b-ball, Hoopz. He was pondering the philosophical and ethical possibilities presented by it. ### oFollower3 Philosophy, huh? That's never really been my game. ### oFollower2 I see within you the potential to become one of the Post-Cyberpocalypse's greatest philosophers, Hoopz Barkley. ### oFollower3 Hmm, I'll have to think about that... ### oBarkley It doesn't look like anything's in here. ### oFollower2 Th-that's the test subject we keep reading about! ### oFollower0 My god, that must be the prototype... look at his pivots, his slides. They're... They're- ### oBarkley ...perfect. I've only seen these kinds of jams one other time in my life. ### oFollower0 The Space Jam... ### oBarkley Yes. I am positive that if this is indeed the prototype, it is the only tool capable of countering whatever B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. has planned. ### oBarkley We're wasting time. We need to find this ball before it's too late. ### oFollower3 I'm feeling strange again dad. ### oBarkley I... I am too, son. Just stay close. We're gonna be out of here as quick as we can. ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: Increase jam capacity to 300%. Standby. ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: It is amazing, isn't it Cosby? ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: Yes, Davis. It is indeed amazing but... but I can't help but feel that something about it is wrong. ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: Worried again? How many times do I have to tell you, Cosby? Nothing will go wro- ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: Holy shit! What the hell was that!? ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: Clispaeth Christ! The test subject... he just performed a Chaos Dunk! ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: Dear lord... What have we done, Cosby? What have we done?! Somebody call a doctor! Emergency, code red, call a doctor! ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: It's... it's too late for that...He's gone, Davis. ### oBarkley Something happened here. I can't quite put my finger on it. ### oFollower0 I do too, Barkley. Something terrible. ### oBarkley It's probably just superstition, we should move on. ### oBarkley This terminal is blinking. Can you do anything with it Hoopz? ### oFollower3 Let me punch in some codes... ### oBarkley Is that... the protoype? ### oFollower0 Hmmm, by the looks of it, yes. ### oFollower2 These schematics are distressing to say the least. They used a tightly packed slamicite core with only an inch of insulation... How could they not see the danger? One bad dribble could set off an immense shockwave killing those within 100 meters of the BBall. It's an accident waiting to happen. ### oBarkley Spalding lost their marbles... They lost their gatdam marbles. ### oFollower3 I can't figure out any more codes to punch in, dad. ### oBarkley Ok, just checking. ### oBarkley Doctor Davis... zero or hero? ### oFollower2 History will be the judge of that. ### oBarkley Progress Report : 02/02/2040 Despite the minor setbacks we've encountered, I am still determined to finish this b-ball. We will, unfortunately, have to reduce the power, which I am still reluctant about, but I believe ultimately this ball will change how the game is played. Furthermore, I believe that the mini Chaos Dunk was caused more by the lack of manufacted slamicite, rather than too much of it. I will be increasing the amount of slamicite by 20% in the upcoming tests. -Davis ### oFollower0 Davis... Davis cannot see past his own foolish desire to create the greatest ball in the world. ### oFollower2 I have been thinking about this Dr. Davis character. ### oFollower0 Yes? ### oFollower2 It is very clear to me that Davis wants to create this ball because of his own shortcomings. He very obviously aspired to be a ball but didn't make the cut; this ball is the manifestation of his own desire to be a b-ball player. It legitimizes his failure at the sport. ### oBarkley He wanted to be one of the greats, but since he couldn't, he'd do the next best thing. I almost feel kind of bad for him. ### oBarkley Nope, the blue key's not in here. ### oBarkley Nothing but blank papers in here... ### oBarkley No thanks. ### oBarkley Man, this smells terrible. This garbage has to be at least 12 years old. ### oFollower0 Yeah, probably around there. You think this conversation is going to be worth our time? ### oBarkley Not really. ### oFollower0 Good call. ### oFollower0 I still cannot believe this ball is capable of small scale Chaos Dunks. Its power is... magnificent. ### oFollower3 This computer has its data parameters encrypted with megahurtz. Let me disable it real fast... We're in! There is another report here. ### oBarkley I knew you could do it, son. What does it say? ### oFollower0 Progress Report : 02/18/2040 Despite the small-scale Chaos Dunk, the Master says that we must continue working on the prototype. Measures must be taken to make this b-ball safer, weaker. We cannot have another incident like this on our hands. I am considering leaving Spalding forever, cleaning my hands of this. If I had known that I would be playing God when I began working for Spalding, I would have never accepted the job. -Cosby ### oBarkley D-dear lord. A Chaos Dunk... ### oFollower0 The test subject, he must have... but that's impossible, you are the only man capable of the- ### oFollower2 There is no question in my mind that this ball is entirely capable of countering the Ultimate B-ball now. The question is... are we? ### oBarkley ...I am. ### oFollower2 Good. Then let's get going. Mulling over this b-ball's power will get us nowhere. ### oFollower0 You have to stop doing this, Barkley. You'll get diabetes or something. ### oBarkley Give me a minute, there's something in here... Holy shit, Balthios. Look at this thing. It's a gun! ### oFollower0 Let me see that... it says "F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N." on it. It looks pretty dangerous. ### oBarkley Yeah, it does. Weren't there people back in Proto Neo New York who were looking for this? ### oFollower0 Yeah, I think so. Maybe we should take it back to them and get a reward. ### oBarkley Or maybe we should keep it. This thing looks really powerful. I think Hoopz can use it. ### oFollower0 It's your call. I don't really care. ### oBarkley What do you think we should do with the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N.? Should we take it back to those people who were looking for it in Proto Neo New York? ### oFollower2 I don't really care. ### oFollower3 Can we keep it dad? I've never seen a gun this powerful before. ### oBarkley We'll see Hoopz. I have to make up my mind. ### oFollower2 Excellent, we can finally operate the lift. Let's head back immediately and take the elevator to the highest floor. ### oFollower3 What's that sound? ### oBarkley Huh? ### oFollower3 I can hear someone talking... ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: Doctor Davis, this is a grave mistake. We cannot possibly hope to add more manufacted slamicite without the realistic expectation of more accidents like the one last week. We just can't! ### oBarkley Doctor Davis: You are wrong, Cosby! The slamicite will act as a safeguard, protecting the baller from accidents like the Chaos Dunk incident. It is foolproof, even moreso than jamicite. There is no way anything can go wrong at this point. The science backs me! ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: You've gone mad, Davis, you know that? Your lust for... b-ball greatness or whatever it is you're desperately groping for has blinded you to the danger that this prototype presents. THIS IS MORE THAN JUST A B-BALL, DAMNIT! ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: I'm leaving, Davis. I am not coming back. When millions of people die, it will be your fault and not mine. Goodbye forever. ### oBarkley Leonard: Doctor Cosby, wait! You forgot your basketball! ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: Leonard, don't touch that! ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: N-no! NO!!! What have I become!? What has the ball done to me?! What has the ball turned me into!? ### oFollower3 Leonard... he's a ghost. ### oBarkley What do you mean, Hoopz? He's a ghost? He looked perfectly real to me. ### oFollower3 I don't know dad, I just... know it. I just know he's a ghost. Something happened to him. Something really bad happened to him right here. I don't know what it was and I don't know how... but I just know it. ### oFollower2 It makes sense. If he died on the day they tested the prototype, then he might be reliving the last day of his life over and over again without even realizing it. I've read about this before. His soul has carried on to the Ghost Dimension but his ghost essence is still trapped here in the Spalding building... but this is incredibly advanced ghostology, Hoopz. How did you know this? ### oFollower3 I... don't know, Mr. Cyberdwarf. ### oFollower2 I see, but should we come across a trial that requires a keen understanding of ghosts, I shall ask if for your insight. Is this okay, Hoopz? ### oFollower3 Y-yes, I think so. ### oFollower0 There's more to the story we've yet to find out. Let's see where the blue card leads us. ### oBarkley Alright. ### oBarkley ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: I... I knew you were worthy, Charles... I knew you were the one to wield the Hell B-ball. ### oBarkley I'm sorry, Creelman. I didn't want this to happen. ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: S-sorry? You can never be sorry, Barkley. Never. Take the prototype and recharge it. Only then can you finally defeat B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. ### oFollower0 Recharge it? ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: Yes. The... the jamicite... it needs the... jam...i...cite... ### oBarkley He... he's gone. ### oFollower2 He's passed on, Barkley. He was waiting for this for a long time, I think. ### oBarkley So what do we do now? We've got the prototype. ### oFollower2 We're going to need to recharge it, like Creelman said. That'll probably mean we have to go to Cuchul- ### oFollower3 AHHHHH! ### oBarkley Hoopz! ### oJordan Hahahaha! You fools, you fell for my booby trap! ### oBarkley Damnit, this was all just a gatdam booby trap! Jordan, you motherfucking baka, you sick motherfucking goddamn BAKA! What the fuck did you do to Hoopz? What the fuck did you do to my son?! ### oJordan Ahaha, don't worry Barkley, he's not dead... yet. I shot a dart filled with type 2 diabetes into him, the kind they were never able to cure. He'll be stone cold dead if you don't find a way to cure him in the next hour. Oh, but I guess that would require you to have a PhD in diabetes and not b-ball. Hahahahaha! ### oBarkley Jordan, you sick son of a bitch! Why the fuck would you do this to a little boy!? What the hell has he ever done to you!? You goddamn baka, come on and face me! ### oJordan Do you really think you have the time for that right now, Barkley? If I were you, I'd be saying my last farewells to Hoopz. ### oFollower0 Jordan, you... ### oJordan Ahaha! I'll see you later! Oh, but not all of you! ### oBarkley Damnit! Hoopz, can you hear me?! Hoopz!? ### oFollower0 Nothing... ### oFollower2 It's type 2 diabetes, Barkley. Not even I can heal it... ### oBarkley DAMNIT! DAMNIT ALL TO HELL! Hoopz, hang in there... ### oFollower2 This... this is it, Barkley. This is what's left of the old Spalding building. ### oBarkley Dear Clispaeth... it's terrible. ### oFollower2 After the Purge, all hell broke loose. Any place that was even remotely identified with basketball was ransacked and looted. It's amazing that the place is even standing. ### oBarkley Do you think there's really something in there that can counter the Ultimate B-Ball? ### oFollower2 We'll just have to see for ourselves, Barkley. I can only hope... ### oBarkley ???: Tell me, Charles Barkley, what is a b-ball? ### oBarkley Wh-what? Who are you? ### oBarkley ???: Just humor me, tell me what a b-ball is. ### oBarkley It's... it's an orange ball with black lines on it. It bounces well but it's easy to hold and throw, perfect for slams and shots. ### oBarkley ???: That was good, Charles. Tell me more about the lines on a b-ball. The black lines. ### oFollower0 Charles... ### oBarkley What about the lines? They're black. They divide the ball into little segments and they improve grip. ### oBarkley ???: Ahhh, the segments. Did you know those lines are the reason I got in this business? ### oBarkley What do you mean? What are you talking about... ### oBarkley ???: It's true. You see, those lines, they mean different things to you than they do to me. You mentioned that the lines divide the ball into segments. I believe you are wrong, Charles Barkley. I believe that the lines are in fact a symbol of unity, that they are the only things holding the ball together. Have you ever considered that even though the lines all go in different directions, they all have the exact same point of origin and end? Have you ever considered that without those lines, you'd be staring at a bunch of strips of leather and rubber and not a basketball? They bring the ball together. That is why I made basketballs, Charles Barkley. To bring people together, to show them that the lines on a b-ball do not divide it, but hold it together. I suppose I failed. ### oFollower2 Scott H. Creelman... ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: Yes, that was my name before the Purge, back when I was CEO of a company called Spalding, back when we had a dream... Heh, the only dreams I have now are nightmares. ### oBarkley We came for the prototype, Creelman. We need it to stop B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: I know. I've been waiting for you. ### oBarkley Can I have it? ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: Hah! Haha ha! HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA! ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: I've been waiting for you to ask me that, Charles Barkley! I've been waiting 12 years for this! Come Charles Barkley, face my danger! ### oBarkley No, Creelman. I won't fight you. You're not my enemy. ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: Hahaha, you don't get it, do you Charles Barkley? All of this, it's ~FATE~. The Purge, the prototype, our meeting. All of this is ~FATE~. You have no choice as to whether we will battle or not. It was already predestined. ### oBarkley So be it, Creelman. We'll see what ~FATE~ has in store! ### oBarkley ### oBarkley Damn, this computer is scratched up bad. It's pretty much just a rusted lump. ### oBarkley If we want to find that key, we should probably check everywhere. Every computer, every desk, every cabinet. Leave no stone unturned. ### oBarkley Carmelo Anthony: You enjoy your trip, Barkley? ### oBarkley Yeah... yeah I did. I only wish that I could stay here forever. For a while, I didn't think paradise really existed but... but not anymore. ### oBarkley Carmelo Anthony: I just want you to know, man, that... none of us spite you for what happened in the past. You wanted to take the game to the next level and the world just wasn't ready. We know you're not one of the bad guys. ### oBarkley Thanks, Melo. That... that really means a lot to me. ### oBarkley Carmelo Anthony: Take care and good luck, Barkley. You'll need it. ### oBarkley Carmelo Anthony: Take your time and make sure you see everything there is to see here. You won't be returning to the B-Ball Dimension for a long time. ### oBarkley Carmelo Anthony: Hey Barkley, I can teleport you back to wherever it was you blew the Dimension Whistle, but once I take you there, you can never come back. Are you sure you want to leave? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Souvenir Vendor: Hey, can I interest you in any souvenirs? Anything to take home from your trip to the B-ball Dimension? ### oBarkley Souvenir Vendor: Take care of yourself, man. Enjoy those souvenirs. ### oBarkley B-ball Punk: Psst, I got the shit you need. Chups, 'roids, everything to make you ball like Barkley. ### oBarkley B-ball Punk: Get out of here man! I got shit to do. ### oBarkley Guy: I know I don't look it, but I used to compete in the Festival Tournament a couple years ago. ### oBarkley What? ### oBarkley Guy: I was no Kevin Garnett but I'd sure as hell give him a run for his money. Hell, one year I was in the finals, just me and him. I thought I had him when he gave me a dojo kick to the head totally out of nowhere. I wasn't expecting it and went out like a light. I could have been arena champion if it weren't for him, you know that? But I'm telling you, he's really something. If you plan on participating Festival Tournament, you'd better go prepared. ### oBarkley Thanks, I guess. ### oBarkley Guy: If I just could go back and sucker punch him before he got the chance to give me that dojo kick... not even 10,000 muscles combined could stop Kevin Garnett... ### oBarkley Grant Hill: Barkley? Charles Barkley? Is that you? ### oBarkley Grant Hill? Holy shit, man! How's it been!? ### oBarkley Grant Hill: It's been great, Barkley! I've been playing pickup games from sunrise to sunset and working on my jams like no tomorrow. What are you doing here, man? ### oBarkley I found this magic whistle that teleported me here when I blew on it. ### oBarkley Grant Hill: That's amazing, man. Wish it had been that easy for me. Hey, how's Maureen doing? She doing alright? ### oBarkley She... she passed on during the Purge. She was at the game... ### oBarkley Grant Hill: Oh... oh I didn't... I'm sorry Charles. I really am. ### oBarkley It's not your fault, Grant. We lost a lot of good people in the Purge. ### oBarkley Grant Hill: That's right... Hey, you know there's a dating service here. You might want to check that out, they've got a lot of fine-looking young WNBA ladies looking for a match, Barkley. ### oBarkley I... I don't know if I'm ready to start the whole dating thing again yet, Grant. ### oBarkley Grant Hill: Yeah, I understand that. Well hey, you take care of yourself, alright man? Think about that dating service. ### oBarkley Alright, I will. You take care of yourself too, Grant. Don't break your back in a pickup, old man. ### oBarkley Grant Hill: I'm going to hold you to a one-on-one next time you're here, Barkley. Come prepared. ### oBarkley What are you doing? ### oBarkley Tracy McGrady: What does it look like? I'm packing recently bred b-balls to ship. ### oBarkley Recently bred b-balls? What? ### oBarkley Tracy McGrady: We grow them here on the b-ball ranch. Look, I've got a lot of work to do, can you leave me alone? ### oBarkley Uh, sorry. ### oBarkley Tracy McGrady: I'm busy. If you want something, go in the ranch. ### oBarkley Chris Webber: Are you following the rules? ### oBarkley Pump: One thing that caused me to stop playing this game and register and post to this was the EXTREMELY ANNOYING propaganda that gets spit out at me for about 4-6 text screens everytime I want to save. Although I agree with much of what you say there is really no need to put this in a game. It makes it seem very unprofessional and just plain annoying and in my case ruined the whole appeal of the game. Now, let me explain why I call it propaganda yet say I agree with most of it. First off, you state your points in a very racist and one sided way, in fact it's stated in such a way where it makes YOU sound very unintelligent and infact ignorant. For instance, you mention how games like Madden and Quake are ruining gaming and how the people who play these games are stupid (this is what I, and many people I've spoke to about have taken from it). First off, I don't particularly disagree with you, I don't like either of these games or there generes. However, as a professional game developer myself, the first thing I had to come to terms with (and which you very much need to) is the fact that not everone likes the same games as you. Infact, this can be broadened to the fact that people have diffrent OPINIONS, which can not be validated as right or wrong since they are OPINIONS. Some people who are big sports fan will like playing sports games. Who are you to judge there opinions? Who are you to judge there intelligence? I won't even get into your racist statements since I myself do not want to get into it since it would add many many paragraphs to this post. Let me just say this, it completely convinced me that you are FAR FAR more ignorant than those you insult. But from a professional point of view this is absurd, this propaganda has no place in a game, especially in one where all the other aspect are excellent. So in summary, keep you opinions/politics out of your games or you will lose fan. You just lost my support, respect and that of many other people I know by having such ignorant propaganda in your game. Now I will leave you with a few words from the father of philosophy, Socrates. "All I know is that I do not know anything." Please think this over and try to raise youself about your ignorance. Thank you and have a good day. ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: Have you heard? The Festival Tournament is happening soon! The whole dimension is buzzing about it! ### oBarkley What's the Festival Tournament? ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: You've never heard of the Festival Tournament? The dimension's greatest warriors come together for a spectacular display of martial and magical ability. They say the winner gets a very precious one-of-a-kind prize. I'm so excited! ### oBarkley Sounds great. ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: It is, but I'm pretty sure it's going to go to the arena champion, Kevin Garnett. He's been arena champion for nearly 10 years and has never been defeated. Not even once! It's amazing! ### oBarkley Wait, did you say Kevin Garnett? ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: Yeah, played for the Timberwolves. That's the one. ### oBarkley I haven't seen him in years. I want to talk to him. ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: Well good luck with that. The only thing he cares about now is training for the Festival Tournament. He hardly speaks to anyone. ### oBarkley Oh well. Maybe next time then. ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: Oh who should I root for? Kevin Garnett, the powerful and mysterious warrior, or some underdog? It's so exciting, I just don't know! ### oBarkley Kevin Garnett Groupie: Oh, he's so handsome! I hope nothing happens to his sensitive face in the Festival Tournament! ### oBarkley Kevin Garnett Groupie: Oh Kevin! We know you'll win the tournament! We'll be rooting for you! ### oBarkley Kevin Garnett Groupie: Kevin-san is such a bishi! I hope he looks at me during the Festival Tournament! ### oBarkley I don't think we're supposed to go back here. ### oBarkley James Ruglia: I think I'm gonna vomit... ### oBarkley Huh? What's the matter? ### oBarkley James Ruglia: They're matching me up with someone now, I'm so nervous. I don't think I've ever been this nervous before. ### oBarkley What's the big deal? It's just a dating service. ### oBarkley James Ruglia: But who knows if the girl they match me up with is the girl I've been dreaming of all my life? Who knows if it's that special girl that will make me happy... ### oBarkley K-kinda like Maureen... ### oBarkley James Ruglia: My ideal woman, she'd be like this... +She'd have to be caucasian. No other race could make me feel as close-not even Asian. +Definately untoned and shorter than me, with long hair. Color is irrelevant because she'd dye it anyway. +Someone with good ideals and a moral backbone without being "old-fashioned". Someone who really likes to huggle and so forth-who could sleep in a single sized bed comfortably with me. Preferably she'd like to wear stuff I pick out for her and she'd be just as willing to do any random little chore or apeasment that I already dedicate so much of my convenience to others for(and her included of course). +Big bonus points if she likes my creativity and RPGMaker game(s/coding skill) +Someone who could act almost as my double, going anywhere I went, but who needed my help for things. Lifting something, inturpreting more complex Japanese, explaining things clearly, mathematical calculations... +My first kid will be a girl named Terra or a boy named Ryukaze. Hopefully this wouldn't need discussion(Though I might think harder about "Ryukaze"...). +I could explain some other 100% necessary no-exception-for-anything details, but those are more "personal"... +One admitable detail for my last point is she'd need to like roleplaying, pretending, make-believe etc. because two things I like in private are flattery (and flattering) and "foreplay". ### oBarkley J... just like Maureen... ### oBarkley Let's talk shop. What do you need help with? ### oBarkley Okay, what do you need to know about? ### oBarkley Okay, what do you need to know about? ### oBarkley Okay, what do you need to know about? ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Hope that helped, Barkley. That's what I'm here for. If you've got anymore questions, be sure to stop by and ask. ### oBarkley Sure will, coach. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Jordan greens are the cheapest food you can feed your b-ball. They raise its strength and vigor, but decrease its wisdom by a little bit. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Ewing greens offer a good medium between cheap and expensive food. They raise your b-ball's speed and strength, but decrease its vigor a little bit. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Chamberlain greens are the most expensive food you can buy your b-ball. They raise wisdom and strength, and taste delicious too! ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Gatorade A.M. is the cheapest drink you can give your b-ball. It raises wisdom and vigor but lowers speed. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Gatorade X-Factor costs less than Fierce but more than A.M. It will raise your ball's speed and strength, but decrease its vigor a little. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Gatorade Fierce is the most expensive drink you can buy your b-ball. It will raise its wisdom, speed, and strength. Quenches thirst too. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Dribbling your b-ball will raise its strength, but it will tire it out real fast. Do it too much and it'll get grumpy. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Every b-ball likes to be shot. It'll raise your b-ball's vigor and speed but it will also tire it out quickly. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Even though most b-balls don't like to be passed, it's a necessary part of training. It will raise wisdom, but also make your ball angry. ### oBarkley ???: Well as I live and breathe, if it isn't Charles Barkley! ### oBarkley C...Coach? Coach Guokas! Holy shit! What the hell are you doing out here? ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Haha, no kidding, it is you! How've you been, Barkley? ### oBarkley Times have been tough, Coach, but I'll make it. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Yeah, the Purge has been hard on all of us but I know you've got what it takes to rebound. You always did on the court. A little b-ball humor if you will. ### oBarkley So what are you doing out here coach? ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Ah, I gave up the whole coaching gig after the Purge and started raising b-balls here on the ranch. It's a nice change of pace and everything. ### oBarkley Raising b-balls? What do you mean? ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Well, first we breed 'em. That's the tough part, cuz sometimes you get these really ornery b-balls that just don't want to mate. You gotta coerce 'em, you see? But after that it's not that hard, just water and feed them. After they're old enough you can start to use 'em however you feel. Some folks keep 'em as pets. Others battle them in the b-ball stadium. Some just like to bounce 'em. Me? I don't mind the company of a good b-ball now and then. How about it Barkley, want to try your hand at raising a b-ball? ### oBarkley Sure, what do I have to do? ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: You can have the ball on the top right of the ranch. He's a real feisty guy so you better be ready. All you have to do is feed, water, and train it. Each different type of food and drink raises a different stat, but they cost money. Training it also raises its stats and it doesn't cost any money, but train it too hard and it'll start to resent you and you don't want to see what an angry b-ball can do. Got all that Barkley? ### oBarkley Yeah, I think so. ### oBarkley Matt Guokas: Raising a b-ball can be tough but the rewards are endless. If you've got any more specific questions feel free to come back and ask. ### oBarkley Let's talk shop. What do you need help with? ### oBarkley What do you want to do? ### oBarkley What do you want to feed the b-ball? ### oBarkley What do you want to water the b-ball with? ### oBarkley How do you want to train the b-ball? ### oBarkley You finish feeding the b-ball. Anything else? ### oBarkley You don't have enough neo-shekels to do that! ### oBarkley You finish watering the b-ball. Anything else? ### oBarkley You don't have enough neo-shekels to do that! ### oBarkley You finish playing with the b-ball. Anything else? ### oBarkley Hey there little b-ball. Let's play. ### oBarkley What do you want to do? ### oBarkley Combatant: The ghastly doomhell skeleton always gets me in the second round... Not this year. I trained many seasons and meditated to the five arts relentlessly. My time has come. ### oBarkley Combatant: I lost to the doomhell skeleton again, but not without a fight. I performed a backheel solar plexus kick with outstanding accuracy and I'm certain his laughing was only to mask his evident pain. Had he not managed to kick and stab me several times I surely would have won with a deadly Palm-Fist Uppercut. ### oBarkley I don't think we're supposed to go back here. ### oBarkley I'm done with this whole arena thing. No thanks. ### oBarkley Attendant: Alright. Please come back if you'd like to register for the Festival Tournament. ### oBarkley Attendant: Alright. Please write your name here... ### oDGarnett Heh, well if it isn't Charles Barkley. Come to take away my title of arena champion like you did my game? ### oBarkley Kevin! Hey man, long time no see! I hear you're the arena champion or something now, huh? ### oDGarnett Heh, what's it to you, swine? ### oBarkley What? ### oDGarnett I've been waiting and training for this moment for so long, the day I would finally be able to kill Charles Barkley on the battlefield. Oh yes, I've waited for what felt like an eternity training my body to become the ultimate killing machine. I've sacrificed everything to become arena champion just for the chance of revenge. I will defeat you, Charles Barkley, and my quest for revenge will be over. I will have redeemed b-ball! ### oBarkley So you're kind of a dick now, huh? ### oDGarnett Mark my words, Barkley. I will rend you from limb to limb and drink your blood. A Chaos Dunk is too easy a punishment for you. ### oBarkley Man, he's really changed. ### oBarkley Attendant: That sound means it's time for you to enter the arena. Good luck, Mr. Barkley. ### oFollower3 Good luck, dad! I'll be rooting for you! ### oFollower0 As will I, Barkley. Do your best out there. ### oFollower2 Don't get yourself killed, Charles. ### oBarkley Thanks guys. I'll do my best out there. ### oBarkley Attendant: Greetings, are you here to register for the Festival Tournament? ### oBarkley What's that? ### oBarkley Attendant: The Festival Tournament is the biggest arena in the B-Ball Dimension. Our finest warriors come together in a clash of arms and magic to fight to the last man and see which gladiator will stand triumphant. Our current champion, Kevin Garnett, stands undefeated for nearly ten years. ### oBarkley What's the prize? ### oBarkley Attendant: The prize is a very precious and one-of-a-kind item that many collectors would value highly. ### oBarkley Wh-what if it's a golden b-ball... ### oBarkley Attendant: Would you like to register, sir? ### oBarkley Attendant: Hello Mr. Barkley. The arena is currently closed, there are no tournaments going on right now. ### oBarkley Chris Webber: Are you following the rules? ### oBarkley Attendant: Here is your prize, Mr. Barkley, a mithril jersey. I hope you enjoy it and congratulations on your victory in the Festival Tournament! ### oFollower3 Good job dad! I knew you could do it! ### oFollower2 I didn't expect any less of you, Charles. ### oBarkley Thanks guys. I'll put this jersey to good use, but most importantly, I'll never forget the lessons I learned in the arena. ### oFollower0 I'm... I'm proud of you, Barkley. Good work. ### oDGarnett B-Barkley... ### oBarkley Kevin... ### oDGarnett I'm... I'm sorry. ### oBarkley Kevin? ### oDGarnett All these years... I blamed you for what happened, I blamed you for the Purge and b-ball being taken away. I trained in a dojo for 12 years to get strong enough to defeat you and when I finally get the chance... in one moment... one little moment, I see that everything I've believed, everything I've driven myself towards is wrong. I tried to force myself to believe that if I killed you, everything would be better. I tried to tell myself that if I fueled my actions with hate rather than understanding and acceptance that I could make things the way they were. Heh! All those years slaving away in a dojo and I didn't think of helping the people around me. No. I was a fool... I'm... I'm sorry. ### oBarkley Wow, say it don't spray it. ### oDGarnett Goodbye... I hope someday... you can forgive me... ### oBarkley Goodbye, Kevin... ### oBarkley Damn... That was tough. ### oBarkley Commentator: He did it folks! He's managed to make it to the final round! Only one challenge remains: the arena champion, Kevin Garnett! ### oDGarnett This is it, Barkley. I'm going to take you down for what you did to me and my sport. I've been waiting years for this moment, a chance to finally rip you apart, feel your sinew and flesh between my fingers. ### oBarkley Kevin, we used to be friends. Don't let it end like this... ### oDGarnett Any man who can still call you a friend is a traitor. Enough talk! I've been waiting for this moment for too long, it's time to savor it! ### oBarkley Commentator: Your fourth foe, Charles Barkley, will be a hell demon! The crowd is going mad, you're in the semi-finals! If you make it past this fight, you'll have to face the arena champion, Kevin Garnett himself! Can you handle the pressure? ### oBarkley You suckers got nothing on me. ### oBarkley Fools... ### oBarkley Commentator: Your third opponent, Charles Barkley: a cryptic blood ghoul! ### oBarkley Chumps... ### oBarkley Commentator: Your second foe, Charles Barkley: a ghastly doom hell skeleton! ### oBarkley This is a lot bigger than I thought it would be... ### oBarkley Commentator: ...enter Charles Barkley, the man singlehandedly responsible for the demise of b-ball! Let's see if his skills off the court are as strong as they are on it. The rules are simple, Barkley: face your foes in order and make your way to the arena champion! ### oBarkley Time to test my mettle on some danger... ### oBarkley Commentator: Your first challenge, Charles Barkley: an orc from hell! ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf! Ivory! How did it go? ### oCyberdwarf Charles... Ivory is "the one". ### oIvory Cyberdwarf... promise me that you'll come back. ### oCyberdwarf I don't know where our journey will take us, Ivory, but know that wherever in the world we are, you will be in my heart. ### oIvory C...Cyberdwarf... ### oIvory Before you go... I want you to have this... So you can always remember our time together. ### oCyberdwarf Thank you... Thank you for everything Ivory. ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf! How did it go? ### oCyberdwarf We're leaving. ### oBarkley Are you okay, Cyberdwarf? ### oCyberdwarf Let's... let's just go. ### oFollower0 I think his heart has been broken... ### oIvory Umm... hi... I'm Ivory Latta... I guess you can just call me Ivory... I mean, that's my name... I mean... um... well, just call me whatever you want... ### oFollower2 Response: ### oFollower2 That's a pretty name, Ivory. ### oIvory Th... thank you. Nobody's ever said my name is pretty before. ### oFollower2 Okay. ### oIvory Umm... Okay... ### oFollower2 Sure thing, babs. ### oIvory Oh, so you're calling me babs... I like that, I guess... ### oFollower2 Lemme glimpse that applebottom. ### oIvory M... my applebottom? ### oFollower2 Gotta see it. ### oIvory I... I don't know about that Mister Cyberdwarf. We just met and my applebottom is private... ### oFollower2 Gotta see it. ### oIvory N... no thank you. ### oIvory I... I don't really know what to say. I'm not really good with people... ### oFollower2 Response: ### oFollower2 Moe said you used to play for the Tar Heels in the WNBA. ### oIvory I was just a rookie... I wasn't any good. Our coach would always yell at me, he'd say "Latta, get the damn ball, Latta! Don't drop the damn ball Latta! You dropped the ball! You're a failure, Latta!" I tried as hard as I could but I just wasn't good enough for the team. ### oFollower2 Response: ### oFollower2 I think you're just doubting yourself. They put you on that team for a reason, Ivory. They wouldn't have if they didn't see any value in it. ### oIvory I... thank you Cyberdwarf. That was the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me. It just feels like the whole world wants me to fail sometimes. ### oFollower2 Let me tell you something. When I was a kid, they said dwarves couldn't play b-ball. They said we were too short to dunk, too stocky to be effective. That didn't stop me. I trained and practiced for days and nights to get better and you know what? I was the first dwarf to slam dunk. I didn't let them stop me, Ivory. Neither should you. ### oIvory That was so inspirational, Cyberdwarf. Th...thank you for being so kind to me. Most people aren't very kind... one time I was working on my dunk and my one of my teammates said I had the worst dunk she'd ever seen... she was probably right. ### oFollower2 Response: ### oFollower2 I don't think so, Ivory. ### oIvory No, it's bad... I'm just a bad b-ball player. I can't help it. ### oFollower2 I'll judge that for myself. Let me see it. ### oIvory W-what? ### oFollower2 Let me see your dunk, Ivory. I'll tell you if it's bad or not. ### oIvory It's not good... You'll yell at me and call me stupid... ### oFollower2 No I won't. Just show me your dunk. ### oIvory Are you sure? ### oFollower2 Yes, I'm sure. ### oIvory O-okay... here goes... ### oFollower2 Response: ### oFollower2 Ivory... that was amazing. I... I can't believe my eyes. That was one of the best dunks I've ever seen. ### oIvory You... you mean it? ### oFollower2 I'm in complete awe. It was flawless. ### oIvory Th...thank you Cyberdwarf. I'm... I'm blushing a little. ### oFollower2 Do you want to talk about something else now? ### oIvory Oh, I'm... I'm blushing. You're so sweet Cyberdwarf. Let's talk about something else. ### oFollower2 Yeah, they were right. It was pretty bad. ### oIvory That's what I thought... I'm... I'm sorry to have wasted your time. ### oFollower2 Me too. ### oFollower2 Did someone put a bushel of granny smiths down your pants because you got one fine applebottom. ### oIvory N... no. Nobody put any apples down my pants. Did you like my dunk? ### oFollower2 Response: ### oFollower2 Yeah. ### oIvory That's what everyone always said anyway... it's no surprise you'd think so too... ### oFollower2 Let me see it. ### oIvory M... my dunk? ### oFollower2 Sure. ### oIvory You... you mean you really want to see my dunk? ### oFollower2 Sort of. ### oIvory Umm... o...okay... Here I go... ### oIvory You sound a lot like my coach... He would tell me I wasn't good enough for the team and that I was a failure of a b-ball player... ### oFollower2 Response: ### oFollower2 I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way. ### oIvory It's okay, you don't need to lie. Everyone says I'm a failure anyway... ### oFollower2 I just want to see that keister. ### oIvory I... um... I don't think I can show that to you. ### oFollower2 I am wearing 3D glasses so your applebottom pops out at me. ### oIvory I... I wish you'd stop... ### oFollower2 Can't. ### oIvory Um... o...okay... ### oFollower2 What are some of your interests? ### oIvory N...nobody ever asks me that. They think all I care about is b-ball. I... I love b-ball but sometimes I just like to let go and read. ### oFollower2 Response: ### oFollower2 What books do you like? ### oIvory Oh, I don't know, I guess fantasy books. Books about magical realms far away where the world is different and the people are nicer. I... I also like romance novels... ### oFollower2 Response: ### oFollower2 I... I also read romance novels. I sometimes like to pretend I'm the lead male protagonist and I am sweeping the girl off her feet. ### oIvory I... I like to pretend I'm being swept off my feet when I read romance novels too... ### oFollower2 R-really? ### oIvory Y... yes... ### oFollower2 Ummm... ### oFollower2 Neeeeeeeeeeerd. Neeeeeeeeeerd. You're a nerd. ### oIvory Um... I'm... I'm sorry... ### oFollower2 Neeeeeeeeeeeerd. ### oIvory Let's just talk about b-ball... please... ### oFollower2 That was my way of saying "let's talk about b-ball". ### oIvory Oh, you don't want to talk about books? ### oFollower2 Nope. ### oIvory Oh... okay... ### oFollower2 If I had an applebottom detector, it would be going on like mad right now. Beep beep beep! ### oIvory Wh-what's an applebottom dete- ### oFollower2 Beep beep! Beep beep beepepepepeep! Damn girl! You got one hell of a bushel in there. ### oIvory A... a bushel? A bushel of apples? ### oFollower2 Okay we are talking about books now. ### oIvory O... okay... ### oFollower2 I can give you a free mammogram. ### oIvory I... well, thank you but... I don't really... um... ### oFollower2 Totally free of charge. ### oIvory N...no thank you... why don't we talk about b-ball? ### oIvory Cyberdwarf, there's... there's somewhere I want to show you. ### oFollower2 Response: ### oFollower2 It's... it's beautiful. ### oIvory I come here when I want to be alone, when I just want to look up at the moon and think. Nobody knows about this place but me... and you. ### oFollower2 Response: ### oFollower2 What do you usually think about, Ivory? ### oIvory Plays, shooting, dunks... sometimes... how lonely I am... ### oFollower2 Ivory... ### oFollower2 Ivory, there's something I need to tell you... ### oIvory Cyberdwarf...? ### oFollower2 In all my life I've never known a woman so incredible as you. You're smart, beautiful, funny, talented, sweet... I could go on forever. I want you to know, Ivory... you're a shooting star. ### oFollower2 Guess what I am thinking about. ### oIvory Umm... I... I don't know. ### oFollower2 Just guess. ### oIvory I don't know, Cyberdwarf... ### oFollower2 God damnit, just guess! ### oIvory Umm... you... you're thinking about my... r-rump, aren't you? ### oFollower2 Only care about applebottoms. Let me touch it. ### oIvory N...no... Cyberdwarf, I... no, please... ### oFollower2 Hey, it's the moon. ### oFollower2 I have waited for too long! It is time to go bobbing for applebottoms! You must quench my tireless thirst for keisters! ### oIvory Wh-what? Cyberdwarf... what... what are you talking about? ### oFollower2 I have had my eye on your tookis all night. ### oIvory You... you think I'm pretty? ### oFollower2 No, Ivory. ### oIvory I... I didn't think you did. Everyone says I'm ugly... ### oFollower2 I'm saying... you're beautiful. ### oIvory C...cyberdwarf... I... I... ### oIvory C-Cyberdwarf... I... I feel the same way about you. You're... you're so kind to me, you're so... so wonderful Cyberdwarf. I'm so glad I met you. ### oFollower2 Ivory... ### oIvory Cyberdwarf, there's something I want to give you. ### oFollower2 Y-yes? ### oIvory It's tupperware armor. Only cyber dwarfs can wear it. I know you're on a quest to save the world, I've been following you since you left the sewers. I... I've thought you were handsome for a very long time... but that's not the point. This will protect you from whatever it is you're up against and hopefully... it'll remind you of me. ### oFollower2 I'll treasure this, Ivory. I swear it. ### oIvory I know you will... ### oIvory Th... thank you very much Mister Cyberdwarf but... but I don't think I'm ready for anything serious right now. But um... thank you for the date. You were very courteous. Goodbye. ### oFollower2 Ivory... My sweet Ivory... ### oFollower2 O-okay. Alright, I will! ### oBarkley Moe: Excellent! What traits in particular are you looking for in a partner? ### oFollower2 Applebottom. ### oBarkley Moe: Anything else? ### oFollower2 Only applebottoms. ### oBarkley Moe: Okay, just a moment, let me process your request. ### oBarkley Moe: Hmmm, only one woman matches your request, Ivory Latta, a member of the North Carolina WNBA team. ### oIvory H-hello... ### oFollower2 Sh...she's beautiful... ### oBarkley Moe: You two can talk in the back room. Why don't you go there and get to know each other a little bit better? ### oFollower2 That... that sounds like a good idea... ### oBarkley Moe: Please come back if you ever change your mind! ### oBarkley Moe: Welcome to the B-Ball Dimension dating service. How can I help you folks today? ### oFollower3 You going on a date, dad? ### oBarkley No Hoopz. I... I don't know if I could do that to Maureen. ### oFollower0 I've already devoted my life to another. ### oBarkley What? I didn't know you had a girlfriend Balthios. ### oFollower0 Not a girlfriend, Barkley. The zaubers. ### oBarkley Well Hoopz is too young to go on a date. That leaves... ### oFollower3 Cyberdwarf. ### oFollower2 I, uh... I don't think a girl would want to go out with a basketball-skinned freak like me... ### oFollower0 That's not true, Cyberdwarf. Basketball skin is found attractive in many cultures. ### oBarkley When was the last time you felt a woman's touch or grasped a woman's firm tookis? ### oFollower2 It has been a long time and... I have been lonely. ### oBarkley Well what are you waiting for? Come on, man! Go for it! ### oBarkley Moe: Have you made up your mind? Would you like to go on a date with one of our lovely ladies? ### oBarkley Go on a date? ### oBarkley Moe: Have you made up your mind? Would you like to go on a date with one of our lovely ladies? ### oBarkley Go on a date? ### oBarkley Moe: I'm sorry Mr. Cyberdwarf. All applicants that meet your requirements are currently unavailable. ### oBarkley good job hacking the game ### oFollower0 The time for fun and games is over. We need to get back to business. ### oBarkley Yeah, uh... We gotta... Gotta go back... ### oFollower0 Barkley, are you crying? ### oBarkley No, just got some... Some dirt in my eye... ### oFollower2 The portal is closing. This is the last we'll see of the BBall Dimension for a long time... ### oFollower3 Whoa! This is just like in my vidcons! ### oFollower2 So this is the BBall Dimension portal... ### oBarkley I feel... Different. It feels like I'm going home. ### oBarkley ... ... awesome... baby... ### oBarkley Did you hear that? ### oFollower0 Yes, the BBall Portals retain resonance of those passing through it because of the immense amount of bballjoules it takes to shift planes. ### oBarkley That voice sounded familiar... ### oBarkley ... ...dipsy-doo dunkeroo slam-jam-bam, baby! ### oBarkley That's Dick Vitale! He must have made it to the BBall Dimension, too. ### oFollower2 Look's like we're almost there, get ready to brace for the dimensional shift! ### oBarkley Here's 50 neo-shekels. ### oDVitale Awesome baby. This is just dandy. Did I ever tell you how great you are? Gonna hit keno later, it's gonna be a blast! ### oBarkley I don't have enough neo-shekels to give you. ### oDVitale What? You gotta be fucking kidding me, baby. You, a famous BBall star and you ain't got nothing to show for? Just go away, I don't have anything awesome to say to you baby. ### oBarkley W-what? I thought we were cool? ### oDVitale No money no funny, baby, you get the idea. Just scram pal, you're wasting my breath. ### oBarkley Sorry Dick, I can't spare any neo-shekels. I need them. ### oDVitale What? Can't even spare some money for an old friend? You need to get a fucking clue pal, what means more to you, baby? Neo-shekels or an old pal? Guess I know where you stand huh? Guess I know where you stand! ### oBarkley W-what? I thought we were cool? ### oDVitale No money no funny, baby, you get the idea. Just scram pal, you're wasting my breath. ### oDVitale Thanks again, Chuck. You're the greatest! ### oDVitale Fuck you Charles. Get the fuck out of my face, baby. You aren't worth shit, alright? Not worth a fucking shit. ### oDVitale Whoa, if it isn't the Round Mound of Rebound himself, baby! Let me tell ya how great the BBall Dimension is: it's great! You got all kinds of stuff here, BBall, all the Gatorade you can drink, and hey, they even got a dating service! Wow! What a place. ### oBarkley It's great to see you here Dick. It good to know all the ballers and coaches like yourself are in such a great place after what happened... ### oDVitale It's all great, Chuck. Can't get enough of this place! ### oBarkley Alright, I'm gonna take a look around here. See you later Dick. ### oDVitale Oh, well, there is one thing, you know, just one thing. This place has everything, and, well I bet all my money on keno and lost it all. I could use some coin, say 50 neo-shekels, if you get my drift, cause there's nothing like playing keno and catching the rays while sipping on some 'ade, baby! ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBalthios Duergar: G-guh... ### oBalthios Duergar: Guh..... ### oBalthios Duergar: GAAAAAAAH! ### oBarkley B-Balthios?! ### oCyberdwarf Th-that duergar was you?? ### oBalthios I... I am sorry Charles, Cyberdwarf. My presence has put you at risk. I was... irresponsible. ### oBarkley Balthios? ### oBalthios You see... long ago I was cursed by a gypsy. Every Columbus Day I am forced to turn into a rampaging duergar filled with bloodlust and disregard for those around me, entirely consumed by a hunger for rubies and gemstones. I have no control over myself and my actions and... and I regret it. ### oCyberdwarf Why didn't you tell us, Balthios? We could have helped. ### oBalthios I forgot how near to Columbus Day it was. I am sorry. Besides, what could you have done? The only way to remove the curse is to eradicate all gypsies. But it seems now that the curse has temporarily lifted and that I will not be plagued with the burden of duergars until next Columbus Day. ### oBarkley Captain: Land ho! Now approaching Liberty Island! ### oBarkley Captain: Here we are, anchored at Liberty Island dock. ### oBalthios Captain: I won't be taking you back. The ship was damaged while the duergar was in the hull rummaging for gemstones. I don't know why you're here but you don't look like one of those cult loonies. Take care of yourself... Charles Barkley. ### oBarkley You too, old man of the sea... You too. ### oBarkley Captain: Alright, get on board. We're leaving right now. ### oBarkley Captain: We be setting sail! Hold onto your pantaloons! ### oBarkley It's... it's beautiful, isn't it? ### oBalthios You're thinking about Maureen again, aren't you? ### oBarkley She loved the water. I'd take her out here sometimes and we'd just look up at the moon. I'd tell her sometimes that the moon looked like a b-ball and she would laugh and tell me I was obsessed. Maybe... maybe I was. It looks like her though, doesn't it? ### oBalthios The moon? ### oBarkley Just... the shape. Her head was that shape, that... sphere. Maybe that's why I loved her, because her head was shaped like a b-ball. ### oBalthios It does resemble her a little. ### oBarkley It's full tonight. You know the moon only gets this way around October 12. ### oBalthios Oc...October 12? You mean... Columbus Day? ### oBarkley Yeah, I guess that would make it Columbus Day. ### oBalthios N-no... ### oBarkley Balthios? ### oBalthios I... I must go! ### oBarkley Balthios!? ### oCyberdwarf What did you say to him, Charles? ### oBarkley I don't know, only that- ### oBalthios ???: UOOOOUORR! ### oBarkley Wh-what the hell!? ### oCyberdwarf It's a duergar and it looks like it wants to fight! ### oBarkley We don't have time for this shit! ### oCyberdwarf But it looks like we've got no choice! Here it comes! ### oBalthios battle here ### oBarkley Captain: Then don't waste my time. I'm only taking people who are serious about the trip. ### oBarkley Captain: I'm sorry, but if you want to go back to the mainland you'll have to wait while the ship is in repair. ### oBarkley Captain: Passage to Liberty Island. You getting on? ### oBarkley Is the ferry faster than the Underground Railroad? ### oBarkley Captain: Depends on the weather. I can get you there in no time if the sea is easy. You coming along? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Not even gift shops survived the purge... ### oBarkley The Underground Railroad ### oBarkley Liberty Island Ferry ### oBarkley Taylor: You wouldn't be coming this way if you weren't headed to Liberty Island. ### oBarkley I don't have time to chat. ### oBarkley Taylor: Look, I'm just telling you beforehand that there are some messed up people there. It's this... diabetes cult or something. They live at the base of this statue and worship the guy who lives inside, or at least that's what I've heard. They're all batty, that's for sure. ### oBarkley Thanks for the tip. I'll remember that. ### oBarkley Taylor: I'm sure they'll remind you a few times too, buddy. ### oBarkley Tron: You guys interested in anything? ### oBarkley Tron: You on your way to Liberty Island? ### oBarkley Yeah, that's where we're headed. We don't have much time to get there. ### oBarkley Tron: You guys pilgrims? ### oBarkley Pilgrims? ### oBarkley Tron: Didn't think so, you guys don't look like those people. Cultists or whatever, I don't know. They come here every once in a while and I can make business but you can tell just by looking at them that something's wrong with them. Like they just don't have enough insulin or something. It's creepy. ### oBarkley Thanks a lot man. ### oBarkley Tron: Yeah, you take care. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: Alright, board up on the subway. Old Harriet'll take you where you wanna go... ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: That's fine. Nobody comes down here anyway. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: Get on board. We'll be taking off in a minute... ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: Well hurry up. I'm not going to wait all day for you. ### oBarkley Yeah, we'll be fast, don't worry. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: Listen, I asked you to check out that bugbear. Me? I gotta keep watch for ones on the tracks. A bugbear on the tracks is no good for anyone. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: I'm sorry, but I can't take you back to the mainland until I get the Underground Railroad fully repaired. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: So, you've changed your mind? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: You're the first people to come here in weeks. You getting on? ### oBarkley We need to get to Liberty Island as soon as possible. Is the Underground Railroad faster than the ferry? ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: I've been conducting for as long as I can remember and there's no way to tell. It all depends on the weather. If the weather is good, the ferry can get you there much faster than the Underground Railroad. Inclement weather though, and you're best off with the Railroad. Never can tell about the weather nowadays though. So, you getting on? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: You getting on? I'm not going back to Proto Neo New York, I'm heading towards the outskirts of the city. ### oBarkley Yeah, that's where we're going too. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: Alright, then get on. I'm gonna be leaving soon. ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: What's his name? ### oBarkley What? ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: Your son, what's his name? ### oBarkley It's Hoopz. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: He reminds me of someone I used to know. Someone from a long time ago. His name was... Judas. ### oCyberdwarf (J-Judas?) ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: He was... the only man I ever loved. Or maybe the only man I ever tried to love. After he was gone, I just couldn't handle any other men. They say only the people who find true love can never move on. Maybe that's what we had. ### oBarkley What happened? Do you mind if I ask? ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: It was a long time ago, I can hardly remember it. He got caught up in some stupid fight and got killed. I told him it was stupid, he... he knew it was stupid but he was one of those guys who held on to an idea and wouldn't let go. ### oBarkley My wife Maureen died twelve years ago. I could never bring myself to love another woman after I lost her, either. ### oBarkley How long have you been down here? ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: In Proto Neo New York? ### oBarkley In the Underground Railroad. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: Heh, it seems like forever. Maybe it has been, I don't know. Every day seems like forever without... ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: ...but today didn't seem so bad. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: We're almost there. Most people don't come to the outskirts of Neo New York unless they're running from something... or maybe I'm wrong? ### oBarkley I don't know if you're wrong or you're right, really. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: It... it's not my business. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: So I guess it wasn't a bugbear after all. Thanks a bunch though. If it wasn't for your quick work with that coupling, we'd all be goners. Anyway, Liberty Island's just up ahead. You've got as much time as you want to conduct your business. There's a tiny bit of damage I'd like to fix up before we get the Railroad going again. ### oCyberdwarf It worked. ### oBarkley And just in time, too. Let's go tell Harriet what happened. Oh, and Cyberdwarf... Thanks. ### oBarkley This is it... end of the line. ### oBarkley Sergeant: So, you got past all of my men. Doesn't matter. ### oBarkley What, you think you're gonna stop us? You B-Ball Removal Department scum just don't know when to quit. ### oBarkley Sergeant: Jordan gave me specific instructions not to let you leave this train. Consider this your final stop, Charles Barkley. ### oBarkley Sergeant: Clispaeth damnit... Outta ammo. ### oBarkley Taste BBall, chump! ### oBarkley Sergeant: Ugh... you think you've won, don't you? You still won't leave this train... ### oBalthios T-that's... ### oCyberdwarf A bomb... ### oBarkley Fucking Jordan. As if the diabetes wasn't enough. I swear to both of you... I swear to- ### oCyberdwarf There's no time for that. ### oCyberdwarf Can either of you disable the device? Then we must detach this car from the rest. ### oBalthios You mean... disable the coupling? ### oCyberdwarf Yes, the coupling. ### oBarkley I don't get it. ### oBalthios Couplings are what connect each train car to the next, Barkley. But what Cyberdwarf's talking about doing... I don't know about this. ### oCyberdwarf Nobody's detached a coupling while moving, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. It's all we can do now, and besides... ### oBarkley Hoopz... Ok Cyberdwarf, what do we do? ### oCyberdwarf You two just stay back... finally my hardy constitution and dwarven knack for machinery will be put to use. ### oCyberdwarf If my intuition serves me, these switches for the couplings should be arranged from left to right. The leftmost switch should detach the front car from the others. Likewise, the rightmost switch should detach this car from the rest. Do you hear that? We need to disable the [rightmost coupling]. ### oCyberdwarf Will this switch disable the correct coupling? Should I pull this switch? ### oBalthios Barkley, disabling the wrong coupling will spell death for all of us. Is he correct? Is that the [rightmost coupling]? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oFollower0 Trooper: There he is! Bring him down. ### oBarkley Nice little toy you got there, but how 'bout we settle this with fists? ### oBarkley Trooper: You crazy son of baller... Let's do this. ### oBarkley Trooper: Take this, ARGGGHH! ### oBarkley You guys ok? The last car's up ahead. ### oFollower0 Trooper: You there, freeze! ### oFollower0 The B-Ball Removal Department! ### oBarkley Goddamn it... I knew it wasn't a bugbear. ### oFollower0 Trooper: That's him - Charles Barkley. Remember our orders. ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf, Balthios, stay back! I'll take care of these chumps... ### oFollower0 Trooper: Give it up Barkley! You got no where to run! ### oBarkley Heh... Who said I was gonna run? ### oBarkley That can't be all of them. Let's head 'em off in the next car. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: So, Liberty Island. I guess it's got something to do with that boy there. ### oBarkley It's my son. Listen, can you just get us there as fast as you can? ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: Oh I could if I would. You can't rush the rails though, sonny. They don't take to that. You just gotta let em take you where they take you. ### oBarkley Don't give me that- ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: Also I don't really control it, you just push this button and it goes. ### oBarkley Oh... Ok. ### oBalthios Hmm? ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: You hear that too? Probably just a bugbear... you get those in the tunnels sometimes. Usually they don't get on board, but it's happened. Could you folks check it out for me? It's probably in one of the rear cars. ### oBalthios No problem, miss. Come on Barkley, Cyberdwarf. Let's see if we can find this bugbear. ### oBarkley Do it. Pull that switch. Disable that coupling. ### oCyberdwarf Here it goes... ### oBarkley All: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! ### oBarkley Nope. That's the left switch, for the left coupling. That's not the correct coupling. ### oCyberdwarf How about this switch Barkley? Will this switch disable the correct coupling? Remember, it's the [rightmost coupling] that we need to disable. Not the other couplings. So is this the correct switch for the coupling? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Nope. That's the middle switch, for the middle coupling. That's not the right coupling. ### oCyberdwarf Here we are. This must be the switch for our coupling. This will disconnect this car from the rest of the train, separating us from the bomb. You two get to the next car. I'll come after you the moment I flip the switch. ### oBalthios We can't leave you here with the bomb, Cyberdwarf. ### oBarkley He knows what he's doing, Balthios. Let's go. ### oFollower2 We're at a crossroads, Charles. We need to see this diabetes expert on Liberty Island but there are two ways to get there: by ferry or by Underground Railroad. ### oBarkley Which way is faster? We don't have much time, Cyberdwarf! ### oFollower2 I honestly don't know but I would prefer the Underground Railroad. It simply speaks to my Dwarven sensibility for caves. ### oFollower0 The only preference that I have, Charles, is that we make haste in our decision. Our method of transportation is up to you. ### oFollower2 If we're going to take the ferry, we should leave this parking lot from the right. The Underground Railroad is in the building at the top of the lot. ### oBarkley I'll... I'll try to make my decision soon. ### oHoopz D-dad... I'm... I'm kinda scared without him but if I run back he'll think I'm afraid. I guess I just gotta keep going... ### oHoopz I wonder where dad is, he's taking a really long time. ### oCyberdwarf He couldn't possibly have- ### oBalthios I'm sure he's okay, Hoopz... I'm sure of it. ### oBarkley Sorry for the wait. It looks like the gate's open now. ### oBalthios It is, but the strangest thing happened to me while I was alone. I saw this great library filled with lexicons, compendiums, and tomes about zaubers. It even held a copy of the fabled "Zaubernomicon", which most zauber scholars did not even believe existed. I suppose it was a reflection of my greatest desires, knowledge of zaubers, but still, it was interesting to see. ### oCyberdwarf Something similar happened to me. I saw an illusion of myself before... before my b-ball skin grafts. I saw who I would be today if it weren't for the accident. ### oBalthios It seems we both saw our greatest desires. Did you see anything, Hoopz? ### oHoopz Nope, I didn't see anything. ### oCyberdwarf A-amazing... ### oBalthios You're sure of this, Hoopz? You saw nothing? ### oHoopz Yeah, nothing. Not even vidcons. ### oBarkley I, uh, didn't see anything either. ### oCyberdwarf The implications of this... My suspicions were right all along... ### oBalthios I believe I'm following your train of thought, Cyberdwarf, but we have more pressing things to attend to, namely the jamicite. ### oCyberdwarf That's right, the jamicite. Let's go through the gate and get the jamicite. ### oBarkley What's this? It looks like the way is blocked. ### oCyberdwarf It is, Barkley. The jamicite we're looking for is on the other side of this door. ### oBarkley Well that doesn't help us. How the hell are we going to get this gatdam door open? ### oBalthios Barkley, calm down! Not in front of Hoopz! ### oHoopz D-dad... ### oBarkley I'm... I'm sorry, I lost my temper and I shouldn't have but there's just... so much at stake. We can't afford to fuck up. ### oHoopz It's okay dad, it's just... sometimes I get scared when you're like this. ### oBarkley We're gonna need to find a way to open this door someway or another. ### oBalthios Well there seem to be four corridors leading from this gateway. It would be logical if we split up, one to each corridor, and looked for a way to open it. ### oCyberdwarf It sounds like a good plan. We'll cover more ground that way. Is this alright with you, Barkley? ### oBarkley It looks like we don't have much of a choice. I'll take the top right path. Balthios and Hoopz can take the bottom paths and Cyberdwarf can take the top left one. ### oCyberdwarf We'll need to hustle, we don't have much time left. Oh and... good luck everyone. ### oHoopz I wonder what this place is. It seems kinda empty. ### oHoopz Kinda boring... Hey, there's a switch over there! Maybe if I pull it the gate will open! ### oHoopz Wh-whoa! Sounds like the gate opened... ### oCyberdwarf Whoaaaa! ### oCyberdwarf This... This truly is perplexing. I hope not to lose too much hydration from the sweat on my brow... ### oBarkley There is no time to go back, I have to press onward. ### oCyberdwarf Hmm... There appears to be some sort of pit ahead of me. I wonder if it holds the answers to the mystery of the jamicite gate... ### oBarkley K-Kobe... I... I just killed Kobe Bryant... ### oHellbane He was already dead, Barkley... ### oBarkley I know that but... But that look in his eye. Even in death, he had that baller look, that "I'm gonna dunk that ball so hard" look... That was Kobe... ### oHellbane I'm... I'm sorry Barkley. ### oBarkley No man should have to ever do that... I'm sorry Kobe... I'm sorry. ### oBarkley A bucket of sand. I shall aquire this item. ### oBarkley Press the action button to toss sand. ### oBarkley That... that was the toughest puzzle I've ever seen. ### oBarkley Soldier: Move along, citizen. ### oCyberdwarf Hmm, I wonder what this room is. ### oCyberdwarf What is this? A... a dwarf? ### oCyberdwarf Is this... me? Is this who I would have been if... ### oCyberdwarf M-my skin... I've been so lonely since the accident, nobody will talk to a... to a gatdam dwarf with b-ball skin. All these years and not a single friend, not a single lover to make the pain go away, if only for one night. Nobody ever said "Hey Cyberdwarf, how is it going" or "Cyberdwarf, I love you". Nobody. And... and it's because of my appearance. This... is who I should have been. ### oCyberdwarf ???: This is who you can be if only you touch the image. ### oCyberdwarf I... I can become him if I touch it? ### oCyberdwarf ???: You no longer need to wear the shackles of b-ball skin, Cyberdwarf. You no longer need to feel the pain of being alone. ### oCyberdwarf Hmph. I'm not so vain and foolish as to believe you, Cuchulainn. I wear my b-ball skin with pride. I hold my head high and proudly call myself a B-Ball American. I honor the traditions of the b-balls that came before me and I will continue to do so. ### oCyberdwarf Now all I need to do is hit this switch. ### oBarkley ???: Halt! You are under arrest for trespassing Cuchulainn's Tomb! ### oCyberdwarf Whoaaaa! ### oCyberdwarf This... This truly is perplexing. I hope not to lose too much hydration from the sweat on my brow... ### oBarkley ???: Captain Keyes. No thanks to your driving... Yes. I understand. Don't get any funny ideas. Punch it. We'll be fine. You okay? So, what kind of weapon is it? Let's stay focused, now. H_lo. How do we use it against the Covenant? Hold on now, you're losin' me. Something buried? Wha... Keyes? I don't understa... Hold on now, he's a friend. Yes; activate H_lo's defenses and destroy the Flood, which is why we brought the Index to the control center. Enough! The Flood is spreading. If we activate H_lo's defenses, we can wipe them out. Is it true? That's not going to happen! It'll hold. We'll make it. Here we go. Did anyone else make it? No, I think we're just getting started. ### oBarkley ???: Rrrrraaaghhh! Prepare for death! ### oBarkley There is no time to go back, I have to press onward. ### oBarkley Hmm, it appears that this is the path that I must take. Hopefully I will find a way to open the gate... ### oBalthios Hmmm, what is this? A library? ### oBalthios "How to Effectively Utilize Zaubers in an Offensive Manner Vol. III". This seems to be a tome of some sort... ### oBalthios "Advanced Zauber Mechanics Vol. IX"... This... this library houses every single tome and compendium on zaubers ever written. I have been searching for some of these my whole life. This truly is a collection of compendiums to be revered. ### oBalthios However, now is not the time to be studying zaubers. Charles entrusted the task of finding a way to open the gate to me. I cannot abuse his trust or prove it misplaced. ### oBalthios P-precious compendiums... ### oBalthios ???: All of these compendiums and tomes... They could be yours if you simply touch them. ### oBalthios What!? Who was that? ### oBalthios ???: All you need to do is... touch a compendium. ### oBalthios Hah, just as I suspected! This was merely a ruse of Cuchulainn's. I believe Cyberdwarf mentioned it earlier, that he would show us whatever we most desire. I... I suppose my thirst for knowledge nearly did get the better of me though. ### oBalthios This switch looks like it might open the gate. I should probably press it... ### oBalthios To think that I could nearly fall for a trick this obvious... ### oBarkley A gaint shot clock monitor? This shit is bonkers baloney, none of this makes any damn sense. ### oBarkley My old number [34] B-Ball jersey, how did this get here? What would my number [34] jersey have to do with anything? Unless... Maybe [34] has some significance to this room. ### oHoopz He said he'd be back soon, I'm going in there! ### oCyberdwarf Hoopz, no! It's too dangerous! ### oHoopz B-but dad! ### oCyberdwarf Hoopz... ### oBarkley ???: I'm here, Hoopz. ### oHoopz Dad! Are you okay!? What happened? ### oBalthios Barkley, what happened?! ### oBarkley I... I felt this b-ball calling me from deep inside Cuchulainn's Tomb. It was a powerful voice and it told me that I could save b-ball if I defeated B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. It... it lent me its powers and the ability to Double Dribble. ### oBalthios Double Dribble, you mean... dual wield two b-balls? ### oCyberdwarf My lord... ### oBarkley I control the powers of Shimmerglobe, B-Ball of the Ancient Proto-Dwarfs and the Hell B-Ball, forged on the anvil of jamicite. I now have the power to shoot a three-pointer from 30 yards away. ### oBalthios Barkley, that's not a three-pointer. That's a four-pointer. ### oHoopz Well now that we've got the power to counter the Ultimate B-Ball and B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S., what do we do now? ### oCyberdwarf I... I don't know. ### oBalthios We just don't know where B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is. It almost seems like all of this was for nothing. ### oCyberdwarf It could take me days or weeks or months to divine the location of B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. but by then it may be too late. My scrying powers can only go so far. ### oHoopz But... we can't just give up you guys! We can't just stop everything! ### oBalthios No, we can't... ### oBarkley Necron 5. ### oCyberdwarf What? ### oBarkley Necron 5. The Ultimate B-Ball is on Necron 5. ### oBalthios Barkley, how do you know this? ### oBarkley I don't know... I just... do. I can feel it. I can feel its energy coming from Necron 5. ### oCyberdwarf Are you channeling its power through the Hell B-Ball? ### oBarkley I don't know, I think so. All I know is that it's on Necron 5. ### oHoopz What's Necron 5, Mr. James? ### oBalthios The Necron 5 is an intergalactic slave ship, Hoopz. Those that spoke out against the government during the Purge who weren't executed were put on Necron 5 to do hard labor in the tupperware mines. But even if we know it's on the Necron 5, it's still in outer space. How are we going to get there? ### oCyberdwarf My ship... the one I crashed landed in when I came to this planet. It's south of Neo New York. We can use that. ### oBarkley I thought your ship was destroyed when you came to Earth. That's what you said back in Cesspool X. ### oCyberdwarf It was, but I've been here a long time, Barkley. Long enough to repair my ship. I've wanted to leave this planet for a long time but I've been searching for the b-ball messiah. ### oBarkley Well how do we get to your ship? ### oCyberdwarf We'll have to leave Neo New York and go south. It's not far away and it's not hard to find. ### oBarkley Alright. Then we'll leave for your ship and head to the Necron 5. ### oHoopz Is everything gonna be alright, dad? ### oBarkley I hope so Hoopz. I sure hope so. ### oBarkley Th-this is it... Cuchulainn's Tomb. ### oFollower2 Barkley, are you aware of the story of Cuchulainn? ### oBarkley Not really. Should I be? ### oFollower2 Yes, Barkley... You should be very aware of his story. It began long ago, long before the Cyberpocalypse. Cuchulainn was a Celtic space warlord with crimes too unbearable to even mention. ### oFollower3 What did he do, Cyberdwarf? ### oFollower2 What he did was... too gruesome, too terrible to tell. I am sure that someday, Hoopz, you will know what he did, but his crimes are not important now. What is important is that Clispaeth was able to seal Cuchulainn's power away and prevent him from ever causing harm again. However, as millenia passed, the power of the seal eroded and Cuchulainn was once again able to extend his darkened tendrils into the world. Granted, he's still sealed but some of his power has leaked through to our dimension. ### oBarkley What does all this mean, Cyberdwarf? Is Cuchulainn coming back or what? I don't get it. ### oFollower2 Cuchulainn has the ability to show a man what he most desires, Barkley. It means that if you see what it is you want the most inside this tomb, absolutely do not touch it. Touching it will break the seal forever and release Cuchulainn back into the world. ### oBarkley I'll... remember that. We'd better get going though, that jamicite isn't going to get itself. ### oBarkley Cuchulainn's Tomb huh... Let's see what you got. ### oBarkley I'm not gonna run from that chump Cuchulainn. Anyway, I need to get that jamicite if I want to defeat B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. ### oBarkley Huh, what's this? An empty room? ### oBarkley Totally empty except for this- ### oBarkley Wh-what was that? ### oBarkley G-gold... ### oBarkley Incan gold... ### oBarkley ???: Take it, Barkley. Take the Incan gold. You want it, Barkley. You want it more than anything else. ### oBarkley I... I want the Incan gold... ### oBarkley ???: Touch it. Touch the gold, Barkley. Touch the Incan gold. ### oBarkley I probably should... ### oBarkley ???: HAHAHAHA, you fool, Charles Barkley! You have freed me! You have freed me from my millenia of imprisonment! ### oBarkley Oh shit. ### oBarkley Did I just free Cuchulainn? ### oBarkley The Incan gold wasn't even real... ### oBarkley I should probably pull this switch... ### oCyberdwarf I believe this is the- ### oBarkley This is it. I've never been so sure in my entire life but I KNOW this is the jamicite. ### oHoopz D-dad? ### oBalthios Barkley, are you alright? ### oBarkley This feeling... I'm... I'm better than alright. This is the best I've felt in a long time, it's like... it's like that feeling just before a big game, your fans are cheering for you and the announcer's shouting out your stats and the dj is pumping out the jock jams. Heh, they banned jock jams during the Purge but... but I can hear 'em in my dome, I can hear the fans roaring for me. ### oCyberdwarf Are you ready to insert the jamicite into the prototype, Barkley? ### oBarkley ...I'm ready. ### oBarkley Alright... ### oBarkley It's... The Hell B-ball is complete... ### oHoopz The prototype is- ### oBarkley I can feel it... ### oHoopz Dad, are you okay!? ### oBarkley One billion b-balls dribbling simultaneously throughout the galaxy. One trillion b-balls being slam dunked through a hoop throughout the cosmos. I can feel every single b-ball that has ever existed at my fingertips, I can feel their collective knowledge channeling through my veins. Every jumpshot, every rebound and three-pointer, every layup, dunk, and free throw. I am there. ### oBarkley I Am B-Ball. ### oBarkley Though I have reforged the Ultimate B-Ball, there is something I must still do. There is... another basketball that cries out for an owner. No, not an owner. A companion. I must find this b-ball, save it from the depths of obscurity that it so fears. I will meet you outside of Cuchulainn's Tomb. Do not worry. I will be back. ### oBalthios Charles, are you okay? ### oBarkley I am... beyond such primal emotions as "okay", Balthios. I am... enlightened. ### oCyberdwarf You will be alright, Barkley? ### oBarkley This is something I must do alone, Cyberdwarf, but do not worry. I will return, this I vow. ### oHoopz Be careful dad... ### oBarkley You don't need to worry Hoopz. There is nothing that can happen to me. I have already seen the outcome... goodbye. ### oBarkley Pump: It should be no surprise to my more-informed viewers that the topic of my discussions would eventually fall to the well-established artform of eroge (known to laymen as "hentai vidcons", though this is a false moniker as the vidcons deal with far more than mere hentai). Much-beloved in the East, these games are sadly, and one might even say expectedly, decried in the West as bastions of perversion and pedophilia for portraying extremely young girls in erotic situations. A person who looks at pictures of fictional little girls isn't necessarily sexually attracted to them. What if (s)he finds them cute? Despite the obvious flaws in the anti-eroge constituency, they continue to claim that eroge are sad, cartoon versions of sex for manchildren that promote rape, pedophilia, and abuse towards women. The logic used seems quite silly, because then people who enjoy killing or raping in games would be classified as murderers/rapists in real life. Come on. It's a fantasy, it's inside your head. Get educated. I recommend Kana: Little Sister, Rape Academy 2, or Crescendo to start with. ### oBarkley I... I can't go back. I can feel the ball calling me. It needs me. It's just up ahead. ### oBarkley It's calling me from just beyond this corridor. It needs me. I must... save it. ### oBarkley Shimmerglobe: Just as I expected. There is something I must teach you before we go on. It is... the final "Verboten Jam". ### oBarkley Wh-what? ### oBarkley Shimmerglobe: It is... the Double Dribble. With this skill, you can wield both myself and the Hell B-Ball, merging our powers. ### oBarkley This power coursing through my body... I can... dribble two b-balls at once... ### oBarkley Shimmerglobe: Come Barkley. We must leave at once. We have little time to stop B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. ### oBarkley You recieved H/S B-ball! Shimmerglobe and the Hell B-ball can now be double dribbled for 2 attacks! ### oBarkley ???: Welcome to my resting place, Charles Barkley. ### oBarkley Who... who are you? ### oBarkley ???: I have had many names throughout the ages, but you may call me... Shimmerglobe. ### oBarkley Sh-Shimmerglobe... ### oBarkley Shimmerglobe: I was forged thousands of years ago by the proto-dwarfs in a volcano. They infused me with ancient magics to give me speed, bounce, range and most importantly... accuracy. I cannot miss a jump shot or a dunk, Charles Barkley. I cannot miss a slam, jam, thank you ma'am. ### oBarkley But that breaks all NBA rules and regulations! ### oBarkley Shimmerglobe: I came before rules and regulations! I wrote the rules and regulations! I have chosen you, Barkley, because I believe that you are the only one that can save b-ball. You are the only one that can restore it to its former glory. ### oBarkley B-but how? ### oBarkley Shimmerglobe: Only with the combined powers of myself and the Hell B-Ball which you just forged can we defeat B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. and the Ultimate B-Ball. Only then can basketball begin anew. But first I must test you to see if you are truly the one to wield me. You must face my guardian, the dreaded B-Ball Spider. ### oBarkley Bring it on... ### oBarkley There's no need to go back in there. ### oHoopz What was that sound, Cyberdwarf? ### oCyberdwarf It... it was nothing, Hoopz. ### oHoopz So dad's gonna be okay? ### oCyberdwarf I hope so Hoopz. I truly do. ### oHoopz I miss him a little. ### oHoopz Where are we going, Cyberdwarf? ### oCyberdwarf I'm... not sure yet. Perhaps we're going home. Perhaps we're going home to a new world. ### oHoopz A new world... ### oBalthios This... this is it, Barkley. ### oBarkley Hmm? ### oBalthios This is gonna be the final battle. There's no turning back from here. ### oHoopz Are they gonna give us back b-ball, dad? ### oBarkley I... I don't know Hoopz. ### oHoopz I just hope that when we get rid of this Ultimate B-Ball thing, they realize that it's not b-ball that's the problem, but the people who misuse it. Basketball's not about hurting people. It's about slamming and jamming, right dad? ### oBarkley Yeah, Hoopz... yeah. ### oCyberdwarf We're approaching the Necron 5. I don't know what we to expect once we're inside so everyone be on high alert. ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf, can you come here a second? ### oCyberdwarf Okay... ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf... if anything happens to me, I want you to take care of him. ### oCyberdwarf Barkley, I don't know if I can do that. My basketball skin makes me ill-equipped to be a father. ### oBarkley I'm not asking you to be a father, Cyberdwarf. I'm asking you to be a mentor. ### oCyberdwarf If anything happens to you, yes, I will take care of Hoopz. ### oBarkley Thank you, Cyberdwarf. ### oCyberdwarf Prepare for entry into Necron 5... ### oBarkley This is... ### oFollower2 The Necron 5. ### oBarkley There's nowhere to go now but forward. ### oFollower2 I don't know who or what B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. is but I know that the answer is somewhere on this ship. ### oFollower3 I'm not afraid dad. I'm gonna stick by you no matter what. ### oFollower0 I've been with you from the beginning, Barkey. There's no backing down now. ### oBarkley Hey fellas. ### oFollower2 Yeah? ### oBarkley Ya'll ready to stop? ### oFollower0 No! ### oBarkley Ya'll wanna know why? ### oFollower3 Why? ### oBarkley CUZ IT'S THE SLAM JAM! Let's do this thing. ### oFollower3 You got it, dad! ### oBarkley Harriet, I want to thank you for bringing us out here. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: I don't know why you're thanking me, mister. This place is as close to hell as you can get without being there. Not too many people live here and the ones that are here are only here because they've got nowhere else to go... but I don't think you're like those people. ### oBarkley Harriet... Thanks. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: Be careful... and take care of your son. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: I'll stay here for the time being. I think there might be a settlement around here but I wouldn't count on it. ### oBarkley Take care of yourself, Harriet. ### oBarkley Harriet Tubman: You too. ### oCyberdwarf This is it, Barkley. There's no going back. Are you sure about this? ### oBarkley Really go into the ship? ### oCyberdwarf I hope you're sure about this, Barkley... ### oCyberdwarf Alright, we can come back when we're ready but it'll have to be soon. ### oCyberdwarf My ship is hidden in the wreckage of this building. Are you sure you're ready to go? ### oBarkley Go into the ship? ### oBarkley Enter Neo New York? ### oBarkley Wait, this is the way out of town. We went the wrong way. Gatdam... ### oBarkley Enter the world map? ### oBarkley Dealer: You're looking for my shit. You don't gotta say it but I can tell by the way you look that you some of what I got. ### oBarkley Dealer: I got you covered, bro. You come back next time you're looking for some of what I got. ### oBarkley Mikael K.: What are you doing out here man? Do you know where we are? These are the outskirts of Neo New York, you're walking along the border of everything and nothing. ### oBarkley We're looking for Cuchulainn's Tomb, you know where it is? ### oBarkley Mikael K.: Yeah, you came down the wrong way where the road splits. Cuchulainn's Tomb is up the other way. Just keep heading north and you'll make it. ### oBarkley Thanks a lot, man. ### oBarkley Mikael K.: It's my business to help people out. One might even say helping is my forte. ### oBarkley Mikael K.: You look like you're getting ready to head out of Neo New York. ### oBarkley What's it to you, chump? ### oBarkley Mikael K.: Hey, hey, no need to be like that. I'm just trying to help out. After all, helping is my forte. I was wondering if you needed an explanation of the world map, since this is your first time. ### oBarkley World map? What the hell is that? You on chicken fries or something? ### oBarkley Mikael K.: You've never heard of the world map? Man, where are you from? The world map is where you go when you leave a town or donjon and it's the easiest way to get from one place to another. The world's shrunken down on the world map so you can move around quicker. ### oBarkley This doesn't sound that complicated. ### oBarkley Mikael K.: Yeah, it's not but since it's your first time I figured I could clear stuff up for you. Another thing to remember is that you've always gotta look out for monsters on the world map too. It seems like they're everywhere these days. ### oBarkley Alright, thanks for the help man. ### oBarkley Mikael K.: Hey, it's what I'm here for. ### oBarkley Mikael K.: It would be fair to assume my forte is helping people. ### oBarkley Bert: Not many people come here, you on the run? ### oBarkley We're looking for Cuchulainn's Tomb. You know where it is? ### oBarkley Bert: It's in the building at the back of the parking lot. You're not thinking of going in unprepared, are you? You'd better stock up, man. ### oBarkley Bert: Thanks a lot man. You take care of yourself in Cuchulainn's Tomb. Most people who go in don't come back out. ### oBarkley Mike: They say the ghost of a Celtic space warlord haunts Cuchulainn's Tomb and his horde of bainshee minions torture anyone who enters. Not that I'm an authority on Cuchulainn or anything. I make a habit of not entering donjons. ### oBarkley Mike: I've heard you're going into Cuchulainn's Tomb. I'm not going to tell you not to do it, man, but I think you should know that it tests the limits of even the most ardent donjon enthusiast. ### oBarkley Yeah, that sounds good. ### oBarkley Bertha: You're heading to Cuchulainn's Tomb, aren't you? ### oBarkley Yeah, we're looking for manufacted jamicite. ### oBarkley Bertha: Cuchulainn's Tomb is just north of here. It's a dangerous place and every once in a while we hear wails and moans coming from it. We try to stay away from it but if you absolutely have to go... I'd talk to Bert before you leave to stock up on supplies. ### oBarkley Alright, thanks a lot. ### oBarkley Bertha: You be careful... don't end up like one of those bainshees. ### oBarkley Bertha: Suit yourself. If you ever need somewhere to rest, you've always got a place here. ### oBarkley Bertha: The Post-Cyberpocalypse has dealt hard times for just about everyone and you look to be no exception. The least I can do is offer you a place by the fire. Why don't you sit down and rest a while? ### oBarkley Rest by the fire? ### oBarkley Pump: I promised earlier to divulge upon you the name of my favorite vidcon, but I have a treat: not only will I give you the name, but I will give you a tantalizing summary to entice you to try it (though you will no doubt need to brush up on your kanji before playing, as the vidcon's subtle yet flavorful use of Japanese idiosyncrasies can only be grasped in their entirety by those with a sound mastery of Japanese). The vidcon, as many of you may have guessed, is the absolutely stunning RPG/dating sim Angelique: Tenkuu no Chikonka, one of the first games to pioneer the moe aesthetic. It flawlessly merges a powerful and compelling RPG story and system with an incredibly advanced and realistic dating sim that has sixteen (that's right, SIXTEEN) datable characters. Though it is not generally my nature to develop crushes, I must admit to feeling the palpatations of love's caress once or twice while dating, as the characters are very beautifully drawn in the anime style. Add absolutely enchanting music with incredibly lush and colorful graphics and you've got the perfect recipe for the best game ever made. ### oBarkley We don't need to use the underground railroad, it's taken us as far as it can go. ### oHoopz D-dad... ### oBarkley I don't know what it means, son. I don't know why you were the only one to survive, but I believe there's a reason. You wouldn't have been born in an egg if there wasn't a reason. You wouldn't have survived the Chaos Dunk if there wasn't a reason. You're special, Hoopz. You can't deny it. ### oCyberdwarf Whether your differences are a blessing or a curse have yet to be proven, Hoopz, but I believe that whatever lies ahead of us is waiting for you. ### oHoopz You mean like... ~F.A.T.E.~? ### oCyberdwarf Perhaps... ### oBarkley ???: Charles! ### oBarkley Wh-what? ### oJuwanna Charles... I... I followed you here. ### oBarkley J-Juwanna Mann? ### oJuwanna I needed you to know, Charles that... that I love you with all my heart and bones. ### oBarkley Juwanna... ### oJuwanna I have something for you. It's a whistle. A Dimension Whistle to be exact. One toot on this will send you to the B-Ball Dimension. I... I don't know how it works but you can use it wherever you want and it only works once. ### oBarkley J-Juwanna, I... Thank you. ### oJuwanna No Charles. Thank you. ### oBarkley Juwanna, there's... there's something I want to give you. ### oJuwanna Y-yes? ### oBarkley This turkey feather belonged to Maureen. It means a lot to me, Juwanna Mann. I want you to have it. ### oJuwanna Charles, I can't. ### oBarkley Juwanna, please... Take it. ### oBarkley Lose Zalatar's Precious Turkey Feather! ### oJuwanna Thank you Charles. Will I ever see you again? ### oBarkley I don't know, Juwanna. We're looking for manufacted jamicite and we don't know where to start. ### oJuwanna I'd check Cuchulainn's Tomb if I were you. I've heard there's a large cache of it there. Do you know how to get there? ### oBarkley Not really. ### oJuwanna You'll have to take the Underground Railroad to get there. It's just down the steps, just talk to the conductor. ### oBarkley Juwanna. ### oJuwanna Y-yes? ### oBarkley ...goodbye. ### oJuwanna Goodbye, Charles... Goodbye. ### oBalthios What was that, Barkley? Are you in love? ### oBarkley You know I couldn't do that to Maureen, Balthios. Grow up. ### oBalthios Hahaha, you act tough but you fall for them easily, you know that? ### oBarkley I said- ### oCyberdwarf Enough! We have very little time to get to Cuchulainn's Tomb to get the manufacted jamicite. We need to speak to the conductor of the Underground Railroad immediately. ### oBarkley Right, we can't waste anymore time. Come on, guys. ### oBarkley It was the first game I ever took you to. There were 2 seconds left on the clock and we were down by a point. I saw Maureen holding you in the stands and I knew I couldn't let you down. ### oBarkley That all you got? Come on! If you can't slam with the best then jam with the rest! ### oBarkley But my confidence was just a facade, in reality I thought you'd grow up thinking I was a chump because I didn't win your first game. I didn't want that to happen. ### oDVitale Well Tom, with that last jam it puts the Knicks ahead 122-121. With only a few seconds left, it looks like this game is finally over. ### oDVitale That last slam-jam puts the Knicks ahead 122-121. With only a few seconds left, it looks like the Suns are going to hang their heads low tonight. ### oBarkley There was only two seconds left. I didn't have enough time to shoot. I didn't have time to do anything. There was nothing I could do. ### oBarkley No. ### oBarkley There was something I could do. ### oBarkley I closed my eyes and focused my b-ball energy. I had never done this before. Nobody had. ### oDVitale What the hell is going on out there?! It's like an earthquake or something. The tension in this arena is building like I've never seen it. ### oDVitale What the hell is going on out there, baby?! It's like an earthquake out there, the tension in this arena is phenomenal. I've never seen anything like this in a hoops game before! ### oBarkley This was it. It was now... ### oBarkley ...or never. ### oBarkley CHAOS DUUUUUUUUUNNK! ### oBarkley They were gone. All of them. Everything. Eviscerated by the Chaos Dunk. My team, my coach, my fans... my wife, my child. ### oBarkley But then I saw you... ### oBarkley ...why? Why had you been the only one to survive? ### oBarkley Hoopz... ### oBarkley Hoopz... ### oBarkley Hoopz, I've known you were a special kid for a long time. ### oHoopz What do you mean, dad? I'm just a normal kid. I'm no different from any of my friends. ### oBarkley There's... something I never told you. ### oHoopz Huh? What do you mean? ### oBarkley Maureen... your mother... we were so excited to finally have a child. We were trying so hard for so many years and it never seemed to work. You should've seen the look on her face when she went into labor. I've never seen a woman so happy before. I'd never been so happy before... She was in labor for thirty-six hours. We knew you'd be a tough one coming out but... we never expected this. ### oHoopz What do you mean dad? ### oBarkley She... your mother gave birth to a b-ball. It wasn't a b-ball, it was an egg but it looked just like one. We didn't know what to do and the doctor said he'd never seen anything like this before. It was another three months before you hatched, Hoopz. ### oHoopz But... what does it mean? ### oBarkley I don't know but... but that's not the end... ### oBarkley Going back? Heh, there's no going back. It's now or never, B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. ### oFollower3 Wh-what's this? ### oFollower2 This is a statue of the dreaded bainshee, Hoopz, Cuchulainn's legion of undead singing minions. They are considered by many to be the "ultimate spook". ### oFollower3 I'm not spooked. Not one bit! ### oFollower2 You'll be... heh, "singing" a different tune when you see one face to face. ### oFollower3 You're buggin', Cyberdwarf. ### oFollower3 I've seen scarier ghosts and ghasts in vidcons, Cyberdwarf. Is this supposed to scare me? ### oFollower2 The difference between bainshees and the creatures in your vidcons, Hoopz, is that bainshees... are real. ### oFollower3 Hmph, we'll see about that. ### oBarkley V-Vince! ### oVince I've been waiting for you, Charles Barkley. You have impeded the progress of B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. for too long and for this you have been sentenced to death by the Master. Surrender now and your deaths will be as quick and painless as humanly possible. Resist and... b-ball will be the least of your worries. ### oBarkley You know damn well that b-ball will always be foremost of my worries, Vince, and it was the foremost of yours too. ### oVince ...what are you saying? ### oBarkley Vince... look into your heart. Look at what you've become. Look at what B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. has turned you into. You're a gatdam murderer and terrorist now! You're trying to kill one of your closest friends and for what? To destroy the game you loved the most. Do you remember a long time ago when we were kids? ### oVince R-remember... ### oBarkley I didn't have any friends, Vince. I would watch all the kids having fun on the b-ball court from the window. I wanted to be out there so bad but I was afraid. I didn't know what they'd think of me, what they'd say when I missed a shot or fouled a teammate. But none of that mattered to you, Vince. You passed me the ball and asked me if I wanted to play. You gave me the ball, Vince. You gave me the sport, but more importantly... you gave me a purpose. ### oVince I... I remember... ### oBalthios This isn't where you belong, Vince. This isn't who you are, you're not B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Don't let them do this to you. ### oVince Wh-what have I done? What have I become Barkley, Hoopz, everybody... I'm sorry. ### oCyberdwarf Vince... ### oVince There is only one task left to execute... ### oVince KILL THE - DELETE , APPREHEND BARK- EXCEPTION 97 ERROR ... INITIATE SEQUENCE TO KILL HOOPZ - CANCEL - SELF DESTRUCT. BEGIN SELF DESTRUCT. ### oBarkley What!? Vince, get a grip! You can fight B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. control, don't destroy yourself! Gatdam, it doesn't have to end this way! ### oVince KILL HOOPZ. OVERRIDE: CONTINUE SELF DESTRUCT. ### oVince FAREWELL. ### oBarkley NO! ### oBarkley When's it going to end, huh!? When's all this shit gonna end! You hear me B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.? You're gonna pay for this in spades! Damn spades! ### oCyberdwarf (Clispaeth have mercy...) ### oBarkley Why's everything gotta be so messed up? Why do they always gotta take it one step further!? ### oBalthios I don't mean to impose, but we don't have time to stand and grieve. We need to press forward, we can't stop now. ### oBarkley You're right... We got a score to settle. ### oHoopz Dad, let's go beat up the bad guys so no more people get hurt! ### oBarkley You got it son. ### oFollower2 This door seems to be locked. Perhaps we should have looked for the key in Cuchulainn's Tomb. ### oBarkley B-ball energies restored! ### oBarkley Damnit, it's the Monstars! Cyberdwarf, keep going, I'll hold them off! ### oFollower2 Be careful, Balthios... ### oBarkley Don't worry about me, just make sure Hoopz gets out okay! ### oFollower2 Right! ### oBarkley Monstar: Hahaha, you think your puny zaubers can stop us? We're the Monstars! We dominated the Space Jam! We'll crush your zaubers! ### oBarkley Zaubers? Heh, you think you know zaubers? I'll show you zaubers... ### oJordan S... So desu ne... ### oFollower0 So be it... ### oBarkley If you can't slam with the best, then jam with the rest. ### oFollower3 Mr. Jordan is gone, isn't he dad? ### oBarkley He's gone for good, Hoopz. He won't be coming back this time. ### oBarkley There's... there's nothing more to be said. Come on, let's go. ### oFollower0 Right. ### oBarkley What the, I haven't seen one of these since... Since the purge. ### oFollower0 This B-Ball court confirms our suspicions. B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. has to be here. ### oFollower2 My dwarf senses do not react well to this derelect arena... We had better brace ourselves, or risk being ambushed. ### oBarkley Huh!? Who did that? ### oBarkley ???: What a surprise, to find you here in the B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. headquarters, Barkley. ### oBarkley That voice... Jordan! Jordan, you son of a bitch! You sick goddamn son of a bitch! ### oJordan You never did know when to quit... I'm afraid this is as far as you're going to get. ### oBarkley You know damn well that Chaos Dunk in Manhattan wasn't me! Don't be a gatdam fool! ### oJordan You know, Charles, I thought you were smarter than that. I thought you realized this wasn't even about the Chaos Dunk anymore. ### oBarkley What are you on about? ### oJordan Don't you hear it? The cheering of the fans, the dribbling of pre-game warmup b-balls, the swishing of nets as ballers perfect their shots, and... ### oJordan Sweet Georgia Brown. ### oBarkley Sweet Georgia Brown...? ### oJordan It's been ages since I last heard that song but... but I can hear it now, a symphony of whistles and toots. ### oJordan This meeting between you and I is the culmination of thousands of years of b-ball. This is b-ball in all its glory, this is the final game! It's just you and me, Barkley. No refs. No whistles. No rules. Just you, me, and Sweet Georgia Brown. ### oFollower0 Barkley, you don't need to do this. You don't need to fight Jordan. ### oBarkley This is something I gotta do Balthios... ### oBarkley Bring it Jordan. Come on and slam and welcome to the jam. Come on and slam if you want to jam! ### oFollower2 These seem to be escape pods. There's no reason we need to examine them right now. ### oFollower3 Easy, vidcon. ### oBarkley Pump: Hmph, even gaijin know that. Which of the following is the most superior? ### oBarkley Which of the following is the most superior? ### oFollower3 Arc the Lad 2, but I really like Tony Hawk... ### oBarkley Pump: Arc the Lad is correct, although your comment about Tony Hawk indicates more than just a minimal level of idiocy. What is the ultimate vidcon snack? ### oBarkley What is the ultimate vidcon snack? ### oFollower3 Well, pocky is alright... ### oBarkley Pump: Correct. Pocky's light weight and easy-to-handle shape makes it perfect for vidconning on the go. What can Yasunori Mitsuda's compositional style best be described as? ### oBarkley Yasunori Mitsuda's compositional style? ### oFollower3 Celto-tropic, I guess... ### oBarkley Pump: Yes, but any idiot could have told me that. Final question. What is my favorite vidcon? ### oBarkley What is my favorite vidcon? ### oFollower3 It's the first one. ### oFollower3 Pump: Congratulations, you've passed my ultimate vidcon challenge. Here is your reward. ### oBarkley Wait, that was it? ### oFollower3 Pump: Next time collect all four library cards. ### oBarkley Fuck this. ### oBarkley Pump: Heh, you blubbering ignoramous. Even a slack-jawed American sports enthusiast with no concept of the differences between the Famicom and Super Famicom Entertainment Systems could have gotten that one. Not that it's any surprise that your lackluster brain, riddled with deficiencies due, no doubt, to your slovenly Western lifestyle and upbringing, could ever possibly retain that information. Here's a tip: read a manga. Oh yeah, and have fun looking that up in the dictionary. That's right, you won't find it because moronic Westerners who don't know the difference between the a wii-mote and a nunchuck can't read from right to left. Now if you'll excuse me, my sake's getting cold. ### oBarkley Pump: I'm surprised you made it this far, Barkley. Men of your calibur rarely go far in life. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't even know the difference between Ar Tonelico - Melody of Elemia and Growlanser 3. Still, my desire to quiz you is overbearing. If you can prove yourself to be even marginally adequate in the field of vidcons I will give you something nice. ### oBarkley What? I don't know anything about vidcons. ### oFollower3 Don't worry dad, I got it. ### oBarkley Are you sure Hoopz? ### oFollower3 Take a chill pill, dad. I'm a vidcon expert. ### oBarkley I'm... I'm proud of you son. ### oBarkley Pump: Hmph, so you say. I will start you off with an easy one. What is the proper shortening of "console video game"? ### oBarkley Proper shortening of "console video game"? ### oBarkley Pump: Whether your opinion on the popular manga-ka Koichi Su- ### oBarkley Spare me the diatribe, chump. If you even so much as open your mouth I will jam you so hard that Necron 5 will have a bruise. ### oBarkley He's finally dead... ### oShadowBarkley Do you really think you can defeat me? Do you think that if you perform enough jumpers, dunks, and slams on me, that I will fade away? We are the same, Barkley. You cannot defeat me! ### oBarkley You took everything I had. You took my wife. You took my game. Hell, you even killed my friends... but that's where it stops. Heh... There's only enough time for one last dunk... ### oShadowBarkley No! Think of what we could do! B-Ball would usher in a new era! ### oBarkley I am the beginning and the end. The alpha and the omega. The first and the last. ### oShadowBarkley Kwa... Kwahuaha... KWAHUAHAHAHA! ### oBarkley What's so funny, chump? ### oShadowBarkley You've accomplished nothing. Nothing! The Ultimate B-Ball will destroy Earth whether I'm here or not. The Second B-Ball Purge will destroy all mankind! ### oBalthios C... Clispaeth... ### oHoopz D... dad... what are we gonna do? ### oBarkley Balthios, Cyberdwarf, take Hoopz to the escape pods. ### oBalthios Charles, are you... sure about this? ### oHoopz Dad? ### oBarkley Yes, I am sure. ### oCyberdwarf Barkley... ### oBarkley Just do it, damnit! Get him somewhere safe! ### oCyberdwarf Yes, Charles. ### oHoopz D-dad!? ### oCyberdwarf Come on, Hoopz. We've got to go. ### oHoopz DAD! ### oBalthios Come Hoopz, we must move quickly. ### oShadowBarkley N-no... ### oShadowBarkley It seems you put up more of a fight than I thought you would, Charles Barkley. So be it. ### oShadowBarkley Now you must face my ultimate form! KWAHUAHAHA! ### oHoopz Is this... the Ultimate B-Ball? ### oBarkley ???: Hahaha, I see you are very astute, Hoopz Barkley, perhaps moreso than your father! ### oBalthios ...who are you? ### oBarkley Tell me who the hell you are before I dunk you into oblivion. ### oBarkley ???: You don't... remember me? ### oBarkley What? ### oBarkley ???: Charles, I am... ### oShadowBarkley ...you. ### oCyberdwarf By Clispaeth... ### oBarkley What the hell is going on here?! Who the hell are you?! ### oShadowBarkley Surely you remember the Space Jam, Charles Barkley. That is when I was born, although I have pondered more than once if I existed even before then. You see, I am a manifestation of your sub- conscious, of your dark thoughts and emotions. When you were released from the Ultimate B-Ball by Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes, I remained behind, my power culminating over the years until I was strong enough to control the powers of the Ultimate B-Ball. Heh, when Jordan said you were the one who performed the Chaos Dunk on Manhattan, he wasn't entirely wrong. ### oBarkley N-no... no, this can't be. ### oHoopz Dad... ### oBalthios This is unbelievable... ### oShadowBarkley Ah, but none of that really matters. You got here just in time. You see, Manhattan was just a "pre-season warmup" as you might have called it, Barkley. Tonight, I will harness the power of the Ultimate B-Ball and cleanse the entire world with one final Chaos Dunk. There will be no survivors. ### oCyberdwarf But... but that's mad! Why would you ever do something like that!? ### oShadowBarkley Hahaha, why don't you ask Charles? After all, I'm merely a manifestation of his own thoughts. ### oBarkley N-no... I don't believe any of this... this can't be true. ### oShadowBarkley B-ball has become... convoluted. Charles and I, we wanted to take the game to the next level, we wanted to take the game so much farther and when we tried, the world didn't only backlash against b-ball, but they got rid of it outright. They weren't ready for what we wanted to do with the game. They were too stupid and cowardly to accept the game's full potential. They weren't good enough for it. If I destroy all of mankind, I can begin anew a world of b-ball based on my prototype Charles Barkley. ### oBalthios What, so we're all just a bunch of sub-humans not good enough for you? ### oShadowBarkley Sub-humans? No, I do not believe you are sub-human. I believe you are merely human and that is the downfall of your species. Instead of welcoming the next generation, you supress it. I represent something far greater than yourself, something greater even than b-ball. I represent the post-human. What do you say, Barkley? Shall we start a new, glorious age of b-ball or shall we let it stagnate and die in the current world? Will you join me? ### oHoopz Don't do it, dad... ### oCyberdwarf Think of all that B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. has done, Charles... ### oBalthios The choice is yours, Barkley. This is your journey, not mine. ### oBarkley What will you do? ### oBarkley You're right... B-ball needs to start over. The world ruined b-ball, not the other way around. ### oHoopz DAD! ### oShadowBarkley Come, Barkley. Let us merge and be whole once again. ### oBarkley Y-yes... ### oCyberdwarf Barkley, what have you done... ### oBarkley I'm doing what I've always known I should do. ### oShadowBarkley K...Kwahaha...KWAHAHAHA! ### oHoopz DAD, NO!!! ### oBarkley gz animation here ### oCyberdwarf HOOPZ! ### oShadowBarkley KWAHAHAHA! Chaos Dunk commence, destroy the earth and begin b-ball anew! ### oBalthios Charles... You fool... ### oBarkley No way in hell! You and the Ultimate B-Ball are going down and basketball will be restored the right way! ### oShadowBarkley Hmm, so you want a fight? So be it, Barkley. Face me and my deadly b-balls. ### oBarkley Hoopz, get in the escape pod! ### oFollower3 But what about dad and Mr. James? ### oBarkley They'll... they'll be okay. ### oFollower3 Are you sure? ### oBarkley I... yes, I'm sure. Come, Hoopz. ### oBarkley The Animayor: I have travelled many lands in my attempt to compile a comprehensive guide to all creatures that go bump in the night. Perhaps you could call it a... bestiary. Whatever you call it, my knowledge extends far beyond that of most mortals. Perhaps you would choose to partake of it. ### oBarkley The Animayor: I can only hope that my knowledge has aided you in some form or another. It is my goal to make mainstream the information I have given you... Also I have a PhD in anime. ### oBarkley Spalding isn't this way, it's to the left. We need to go there so we can get the prototype b-ball. ### oChin Heya Barkuri, you hear about that Ultimate Hellbane? That guy that kill all those people? ### oBarkley Yeah, yeah, I heard about that. ### oChin Yeah, he one tough customer I hear. Uses zaubers. Kinda makes you wonder how B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. got their hands on such powerful weapons. ### oBarkley Yeah. Didn't he just kill those two guys at the mall? ### oChin Yeah, yeah, they say he out for more tonight. That why I always carry my Square-Enix-Goya gun, can't be safe around here no more. Top of the line too. So why you here so late Barkuri? What you want? ### oBarkley I'm not feeling so well. I need some medicine. ### oChin Aww, I all out of medicine, Barkuri, but I give you this ecto cooler. Make you feel better, huh? ### oBarkley Yeah, thanks a lot Chin. ### oChin Yeah, yeah, no problem. Hey, and Barkuri. ### oBarkley Yeah? ### oChin Don't let that Ultimate Hellbane get you. ### oChin Back for more, Barkuri? ### oChin You take care, Barkuri! ### oBarkley Drule: welcome to deathtemple in hell. your in for a treat ### oHughley im hundley ### oHughley im hubley ### oHughley im hughley ### oHughley uim hupley ### oHughley ium humpley ### oHughley sometimes i punch and kick homosexuals down the stairwell. its not that i have anything against them, its just that i dont like them. ### oHughley im, huembley ### oHughley im hogely ### oHughley i,m baney ### oHughley i m huopley ### oBarkley idiotkid: Heh, I suppose you could say that I almost enjoyed this game (although I use the term "enjoyed" loosely, as this vidcon was merely a pastiche of bizarre cultural references rather than an enjoyable, and more importantly, playable experience) until I was greeted with "And I'm Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood in Death Temple in Hell, clearly a rudimentary (albeit weak) attempt at political commentary in the same vein as such philistines programs as "Little Bush". I'm sorry but I don't need your ignorant, and quite frankly, misplaced, political commentary in the middle of my vidconning. Are you implying that America is hell? Are you implying that George Bush is Satan? I'm sorry but this extraordinarily juvenile dickery is nothing but incoherent politcal ramblings about something you understand nothing about. I'm sorry but this completely ruined the vidcon for me. I'm going to have to subtract one point from your replayability score. ### oChef Hi, I'm Chef Boyardee, half ogre, half kitsune, and I'm one of the guys who made this game. Check out my homepage at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aspergers. ### oBarkley nname: senior behemoth class: complex japanese interpreter age: 9 rrace:black religio: muslim/musselman likes: the koran, koran-themed sports dislikes: science comments: if you like the koran please message me at jakanddaxter554@islamicgrandparents.tk ### oBarkley bort: heh, yeah. the only time i ever sat in the cafe is with my coffee and a karma sutra book. ### oBarkley konix: heh targ? i ts for idolts ### oBarkley TFT: "I am a big fan of your work, Barkley" "Wear it..well old friend" ### oChef2 for real here are the games you need to play all of gz's potato chaos games hundley and konix's faceless when it comes out diggity's targ games tft's rainbow nightmare lazrael's games drule's space commander frasier crane if it comes out soap and corel's remedy if it comes out fred murderstone (its in the works buddies) IM ALL ABOUT VIDCON'S definitive list of all vidcon's - chef "the rpg macker" boyardee ### oBarkley diggity: this is deathtemple in hell your gonna die bi*ch ### oBarkley Waluigi "The Soapster" Soap: Chef asked me to convert tons of high-def gfx. Wah. ### oBarkley thats what soap told me when i asked him what he wanted to say. ### oBarkley here lies the fucking dude imaek targ in heaven buddy ### oBarkley here lies omeg master of wikopeldia ### oBarkley here lies bort no brains/just wikopedia no brain s/ just wikopeddia no brains/just wikopeldia ### oBarkley Top 5 Dads 2007: Number 5 Dad: Ramci Number 4 Dad: GZ Number 3 Dad: bort Number 2 Dad: Borgliddle Number 1 Dad: Drule Dedicated to all true pap paps. ### oBarkley Here lies Medieve I am out of context. ### oBarkley im steel paladines AND IM MAD ### oBarkley here lies a babby ### oBarkley gz: WHO SoNIC HELPHOG? READ A HISTOR Y BOOK NUMPSKULL.you fired ### oBarkley what i s you body type ??? ### oBarkley whro is you role model ??? ### oBarkley whatr color ar e you re nails ??? ### oBarkley wgat body part would you kiss first(soinic) ??? ### oBarkley how id you do in school ??? ### oBarkley areyou homresexual? ??? ### oBarkley gz: calurlating results...................... ### oBarkley gz: sonic o nly dates whites - dr doug beach md ### oBarkley gz: im gz do you want to take the "are you marry to sonic hedgehog "test? ### oBarkley take the marry to sonic test ??? ### oBarkley Drule: welcome to deathtemple in hell. your in for a treat ### oBernie Gretel: Bernie... why are you doing this? Why are you doing this to me? What about us? What about everything we had planned? ### oBernie You don't get it, do you? ### oBernie I'm a vamp... I only used you so I could gulp your blood. ### oBernie Gretel: Where are you going, Bernie? ### oBernie Somewhere far away... ### oBernie Gretel: Please tell me, Bernie... ### oBernie I'm going to my vamp den to prepare for... "the Second Coming". This will be the final battle between all vamp clans. ### oBernie Gretel: But what about our child? ### oBernie He's gonna be a hell vamp. ### oBernie Gretel: H-hell vamp? ### oBernie There are three types of vamps. The first kind is the hell vamp, stalkers who gulp the blood of their friends and foes under the cover of moonlight. They prefer cryptic castles filled with eldritch tomes about thaumaturgy and runes to living in a cave... but then again, who doesn't? ### oBernie Gretel: But our child, how do you know he's going to be a hell vamp? ### oBernie I'm a vamp, I just know these things. ### oBernie The next type of vamp is the daypire. They're like regular vamps but they stalk only during the day. Not one vamp scholar has cracked the code of the daypire... not yet. The final type of vamp... that's the blood vamp. That's what I am. Blood vamps are treacherous vamps who wear cloaks and always have their... "bases" covered. ### oBernie Gretel: B-Bernie... ### oBernie We harness the power of blood to gain vamp powers, some of which include controlling all manner of fowl, deflecting all oncoming boomerangs, and a very high level of acrobatics. ### oBernie Gretel: Bernie, I... I don't want you to go. ### oBernie Blood vamps got one more power I didn't tell you about. ### oBernie Gretel: Y-yes? ### oBernie We can turn into bats... ### oBernie Gretel: Bernie... my Bernie... ### oBarkley Be careful out there Mr. 3000. We're counting on you... ### oBarkley Here lies Mr. 3000. ### oBarkley Mr. 3000... I... I wish I had gotten the chance to say goodbye... ### oBarkley ???: Maybe it's not too late. ### oBarkley Who's there?! ### oBarkley ???: Prepare yourself, Barkley, for a world undreamed of. ### oBarkley Fredegar Murderstone: Indeed, I am Fredegar Murderstone and I have murdered many a man and beast in my lifetime. I have done so for many reasons, but namely for coins and rubies. One night I broke into the zoo and murdered the fauna. It seems that even the great apes are susceptible to the blows of my flail. But alas, I have grown old and weak and can no longer murder as I did in my youth. ### oBarkley Fredegar Murderstone: All this talk of murdering folks has reminded me of the time I murdered a pygmy in the woods. You see, I was skulking about the woods when I heard the buzzing of bees above me. As I am fond, perhaps even overly fond, of the taste of honey, I began to climb the tree. Imagine my surprise when I found out that a pygmy had already beaten me to the precious honey! Why, I was downright ticked so I gathered up all my gumption and hit him in the liver with a magical warhammer inscribed with arcane runes of power. And hohoho, I never knew a pygmy could fly, but he sure did! Well, until he hit the ground! A little Duergar humor! Ahh, but I haven't murdered a pygmy in years... ### oBarkley Fredegar Murderstone: I was just about your boy's age the first time I murdered some folks. I was a blacksmith's apprentice at the time and was making bear traps for him. One night I got the idea to put the bear traps to use, so I broke into a retirement home, placed the bear traps in strategic locations, and hid outside in the bushes until the morning. You should have heard the endless clacka-lacking of those metal contraptions snapping on the legs of the elderly, much like the ferocious maw of an enraged hell hound. And I sure got a stern talking-to by the blacksmith, but it sure was worth it! ### oBarkley Balgord Beardmist: Aye, these are the Chup Mines, home of the Duergars and recently our genie masters. Curse all genies, big or small. No matter their size or shape, I want to batter them with a spike-laden warhammer ensorceled with eldritch enchantments... I'm sorry, I got carried away but Duergars are predisposed towards violence and ensorceled weaponry. Regardless, my ebony friend, these genies have taken away our rights and we demand them back. Be warned, if you are part genie, your blood will be spilled. ### oBarkley Genie: Abra-cadabra and alakazoo... ah, you caught me just as I was conjuring up an ancient genie hex on the Duergars. Lately, we genies have been contemplating importing Sludge Elfs to help with the labor. Duergars and Sludge Elfs have a long-standing feud and there is no doubt the Duergars would object fiercely. This is precisely why we need to do this. This is merely my own personal philosophy, but I believe we should display our intolerance for Duergars on every level. ### oBarkley Genie: Hmph, these Duergars think they have the right to eat dunkaroos. Don't they realize we genies were rubbed out of magical lamps? What fools, to even begin to believe that they have the same civil rights as genies. Duergars are simply a means to an end and that end is precious chups for Square Enix Goya. ### oBarkley Genie: They're nice, eh? Unfortunately I was never able to fully utilize them, as my legs atrophied after spending two millenia in a lamp. ### oBarkley Genie: I thought you were clever, Charles Barkley. Take these Jodhpurs of the Falcon. They'll keep you cozy while excavating donjons. ### oBarkley Genie: Greetings, stranger. I am an ancient genie who has granted many thousands of wishes over the ages. Perhaps I could grant yours? I was rubbed from a lamp many years ago and my mission is to steal civil rights from Duergars. Perhaps you could call this racism, but that is one of the main goals of all genies. Lately, though, it seems that our efforts to fully dehumanize the Duergars have been impeded by their blasted strike! If you could somehow aid our quest of intolerance I am sure I could give you my Jodhpurs of the Falcon. ### oBarkley Zorf Gobletwind: H-help me... ### oBarkley Are you alright? What's the matter? ### oBarkley Zorf Gobletwind: D-dunkaroos... I require... Dunkaroos... ### oBarkley What the hell is a dunkaroo? ### oFollower3 C'mon pap pap, don't be such a rube. They're a delicious cookie snack that you dunk in a velvety frosting. Hence the 'dunk' in dunkaroo. ### oBarkley I, uh, knew that, Hoopz. I just didn't remember. ### oBarkley Zorf Gobletwind: They've been feeding us nothing... but... v... Vitamin C. I need a... dunk... dunkaroo... ### oFollower3 He passed out. This is serious dad. He really needs those dunkaroos. ### oFollower2 There are two things a Duergar can't resist, Barkley. One is rubies. The other is a dunkaroo. ### oFollower0 This is grave, indeed then. Grave indeed. ### oBarkley Zorf Gobletwind: D-d... dunkaroos... ### oBarkley Zorf Gobletwind: I can feel my stout constitution coming back to me after gorging on dunkaroos. I owe you a debt of gratitude, human, and that is something that we dwarfs, who have lived in underground caverns for eons do not take lightly. Thank you, friend. ### oBarkley Pelpoc the Dire: Ahh, the cool air of a dank cave, littered with gemstones unmined. Is there truly anything better? Ah, greetings stranger. I did not notice you there, I was simply musing to myself about caves and sewers. My name is Pelpoc the Dire and I am called that because I am a Dire Duergar. We are like normal Duergars but our love of rubies and gemstones is increased tenfold. In addition, we are simply more dire in demeanor. I am an advocate of all caves and sewers. This includes both dank sewers and mysterious sewers. Sadly, it has been many years since I last set foot in a sewer, as the genies have outlawed them. What I wouldn't give to walk in the sewers but once more... ### oBarkley Pelpoc the Dire: I thank my lucky stars that I was fortunate to have been born in the sewers, where I lurked tirelessly for valuable minerals in my youth. Who knows if I'll ever set foot in the sewers again now, thanks to these meddling genies. ### oBarkley Pelpoc the Dire: Aye, my lad. It seems you've gone and done the right thing and lifted the ban on sewers. Perhaps this old man can finally die in peace now... die in the sewers... ### oBarkley Wrothgar Satchelscream: A mere 10 feet? Perhaps my bubbling brews need more eye of newt... ### oBarkley Wrothgar Satchelscream: Doesn't the titillating scent make you want to throw all of my precious potions into a burlap satchel and run away, guzzling them as you make your escape? I would sip a potion of any color or transparency so long as it was eldritch. ### oBarkley Wrothgar Satchelscream: Ahhh, the smell of my brewskis is overpowering, isn't it, my lad? I may just need to quench my thirst with one of my bewitched tonics, if you catch my drift. ### oBarkley Wrothgar Satchelscream: Ah ha hah! That's my boy! That's my boy! ### oBarkley Wrothgar Satchelscream: But no matter, my boy. It seems production of my treasured concoctions has been slowed tremendously because of those nefarious genies and I am becoming malnourished. You see, my boy, all I eat or drink is elixirs. If something isn't done and done soon, well... my brews may bubble no longer. If you were able to do something about it, I may even pass on a few of my precious tinctures to you. ### oBarkley Wrothgar Satchelscream: Ahhh, greetings young one. I see that you could not resist the tempting allure of my bubbling brews and potions. Many a Duergar has gulped my eldritch tonics. Perhaps you would like to as well, hmmm? Tell me, young one, from how far away did you detect the scent of my arcane concoctions? ### oBarkley Detection of potion scent? ### oBarkley Wrothgar Satchelscream: Ah, what I wouldn't do to wet my whistle with a cold one. I'm speaking, of course, about potions. I do enjoy gulping chemicals. ### oBarkley Wrothgar Satchelscream: You did it, my boy! You've given me back my primary form of sustenence: chemicals. I've prepared you a particular brew that I think you might like. Gulp it, you might enjoy it. ### oBarkley Wrothgar Satchelscream: Have you gulped my potion yet? ### oBarkley Hey, there's a note here. Maybe somebody dropped it. Let's take a look at it... ### oBarkley "Dear Genies, I think we should try to be as racist as possible to the Duergars. If we can, let us try to take away their civil rights, such as: the right to wear gem-encrusted amulets and the right to eat anything but vitamin C. Sincerely, Muhammed Geniebane, Chief of all Genies Combined" ### oFollower0 This certainly is concerning. It looks like a genie might have dropped it. If this is real, it implies the existence of a conspiracy that goes beyond the realm of Square-Enix-Goya. ### oFollower2 I think we'd better get to the bottom of this and find out what's really going on in the Chup Mines. ### oBarkley "Dear Genies, I think we should try to be as racist as possible to the Duergars. If we can, let us try to take away their civil rights, such as: the right to wear gem-encrusted amulets and the right to eat anything but vitamin C. Sincerely, Muhammed Geniebane, Chief of all Genies Combined" ### oBarkley Sha'kwan Dwarfmalice: Aye, aye. I could tell from the compassion in your voice that you're no foe. Even if you told me you were a foe, I wouldn't believe you. I may be a Duergar, my friend, but I'm not gullible. ### oBarkley Sha'kwan Dwarfmalice: You had me going there for a minute, I really thought you were a foe. I suppose since you're not my enemy I can tell you my story... ### oBarkley Sha'kwan Dwarfmalice: I used to be the strongest Duergar in all the chup mines. Heh, they called me "The Bastard of Muscles" and that's just what I was. I could lift two Duergars over my head at the same time and punch through both friend and foe. But then I went blind. My muscles atrophied and I could do nothing but knit patriotic quilts to keep myself warm. But now that the genies have outlawed all patriotic quilts I can't even do the one thing I have left. Grysh'tarn (our ghastly Duergar deity) bless this land and people and give me the courage to continue without my patriotic quilts... ### oBarkley Sha'kwan Dwarfmalice: Halt! Friend or foe? ### oBarkley Friend or foe? ### oBarkley Sha'kwan "the Bastard of Muscles" Dwarfmalice: It's... so cold. If only I had a patriotic quilt... ### oFollower0 The elderly Duergar seems to be sleeping under a highly patriotic quilt. Let's not wake him. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: I have to admit that I... had expected more from you, Charles Barkley. Perhaps if you change your mind you can come back and help out later. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Well, have you reconsidered my proposal? Will you help to negotiate the Declaration of Duergar Rights? ### oBarkley Mediate for civil rights negotiation? ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: The chains of oppression have tightened around us today, Charles Barkley. Are you the one to blame? Perhaps only history will hold the true answer. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Take care of the Shrekmono, Barkley. It is my most treasured posession, and now it is yours. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Although I can't say I'm pleased, Barkley, I do believe that today was a step forward in the Duergars' quest for civil rights. Someday, my friend, we will be able to hoard troves of gemstones as we once did but until that day, we must keep fighting. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: Ahh, Charles Barkley, it is good to see you my friend. As you know, the ongoing negotiations concerning the rights of the Duergars has taken up much of my time, leaving time for little else. If you could perhaps end my personal struggle and support the genie cause, I am sure that I could find some way to reward you from my ample genie coffers. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: You are wise, Charles Barkley, and Square Enix Goya is indebted to you. You can continue to look forward to more quality products thanks to your effort. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: We have nothing to talk about, Charles Barkley. I was under the assumption that you were a man of reason but it appears I was wrong. Good day. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: I am disappointed that your actions did not benefit the genies as much as they could have. You have set us back dozens, if not baker's dozens of genie years. Still, the damage done was not as bad as it could have been. ### oBarkley Huh? What's going on here? ### oBarkley Duergar Chieftan Jamal Bloodguzzle: We, as Duergars, can no longer tolerate the injustices put upon us by our genie captors. For too long have we allowed them and Square Enix Goya to force us to mine chups! No longer, I say! My father mined for rubies and gemstones, as did his father, and his father before him, and his before him, and so on. To be reduced to mining chups for genies... they'd be ashamed of us! ### oBarkley Zorf Gobletwind: Here here! ### oBarkley Pelpoc the Dire: What do you say we do, Jamal Bloodguzzle? ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: I say we go on strike and give these genies, who would disturb our right to accumulate treasure for our ghoulish Duergar gods, a piece of our minds! ### oBarkley Fredegar Murderstone: Aye! ### oBarkley Wrothgar Satchelscream: I'm with you! ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: We'll toil no longer for the genies until we can get a better contract; one that grants us all of the civil liberties that Duergars are entitled to! ### oCyberdwarf It seems we've come to a Square Enix Goya-run mine that's run into a few labor problems. ### oBalthios Perhaps we can find some way to help. ### oBarkley You guys are always getting me dragged into shit I don't want nothing to do with. This is the every-man-for-himself Post-Cyberpocalypse, I don't have time for this shit. I don't even know what we could do to help. ### oCyberdwarf These are Duergars, Barkley, my brethren. At least grant me the courtesy to visit them. It's been far too long since I have walked amongst the dwarfs... ### oBarkley Fine, we can see what's up but I'm not getting involved in this shit. ### oBarkley Fine, I'll do it but I want you to know I don't give a damn either way what happens. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: That is noble of you to agree to help us, Charles Barkley. You are truly a man of character. ### oBarkley I'm no role model... ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: The format for the Declaration of Duergar Rights is simple: you will be asked a question and you will be presented a number of answers. Choose the answer you most agree with. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Some of the answers will favor one party over the other, while others will be compromises. I'm not asking you to favor us Duergars, Charles Barkley, but please consider each question carefully. Are you ready to write the Declaration of Duergar Rights? ### oBarkley As ready as I'll ever be, I guess. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: I have to admit that I... had expected more from you, Charles Barkley. Perhaps if you change your mind you can come back and help out later. ### oBarkley Q1: What is your opinion on Sludge Elfs? ### oBarkley Q2: How do you feel about the current sewer crisis? ### oBarkley Q3: What should be the primary diet of all Duergars? ### oBarkley Q4: Remove the ban on bubbling tinctures and elixirs? ### oBarkley Q5: What should be done about ensorcelled weaponry? ### oBarkley Q6: Your stance on Duergars with patriotic quilts? ### oBarkley Q7: How many hexes can be placed on each Duergar? ### oBarkley Q8: What is the maximum ratio of gilded chalices to rubies? ### oBarkley Q9: How many caverns is each Duergar allowed to spelunk? ### oBarkley Are you sure these are the stances you take? ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Your proposals, Barkley... ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: They favor the genies, just as I expected. You've done your country a great service today, Charles Barkley. You've put the welfare of many over an elite few. You've put the industry and commerce of Square Enix Goya over the gripes about rubies of a few obsidian black, cave-dwelling midgets with a penchant for enchanted maces. I think a reward is in due order. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: This is a magical lamp rubbed by many aristocrats and sultans. Now you too can rub it, Charles Barkley. When you need assistance, rub this lamp and the genie dwelling within will grant a wish... It is a powerful tool, so do not misuse it, as it can only be used once. Go now, Barkley, and know that wherever there's a genie... there's a friend. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: The Duergars... what fate has befallen us...? ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: These propositions clearly favor the Duergars... ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: You've got no choice but to accept the Declaration of Duergar Rights, Mohammed Geniebane. You agreed to the terms and the negotiator. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: Drats... I trusted you, Barkley. I thought you were loyal to your country, your family, and Square Enix Goya. ### oBarkley My family? The Duergars are my family now. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: Hmph, it seems my trust was misplaced. We have nothing more to speak of, Charles Barkley. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Barkley, come here. I know we Duergars do not have much but I feel the need to repay you for what you've done. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Just once in every Duergar's life is he overtaken by an urge so powerful that he cannot control himself. No, it is not an urge for rubies red, as you may have guessed. It is an urge to create. Yes, we have blacksmiths and wood carvers and what have you that create on a daily basis, but this is an urge to create something more than a mere object. This is an urge to create art. This is a sacred part of every Duergar's maturity and when we are touched by this desire to create, all others must allow it to continue unimpeded. It is called the "Awakening of the Artisan". What we create during our Awakening is a work of unparalelled splendor that can never be replicated or surpassed. I want you to have the item I forged in my awakening, Charles Barkley. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: It is the Shrekmono, a regular kimono except there is a picture of Shrek on it. I forged it 'twixt the hammer and anvil and it is the one thing I am most proud of, even more than my clan. It is yours, Charles Barkley. Take it. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Take care of it, Charles Barkley, and know that you are now a friend of Duergars all over the globe and beyond. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: These propositions... ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: They benefit nobody... ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Perhaps... perhaps it is better this way. Neither genie nor Duergar holds the upper hand. Perhaps this is true equality, Charles Barkley. Though I struggle to see the wisdom in your decisions, I trust that someday I shall. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: You've done more to set us back than help us, Charles Barkley. You've made a dangerous enemy today. Don't forget that. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: No! We demand the right to rubies and gemstones! Gilded treasure is a part of the Duergar heritage, that's something you can't take away from us. Glittering goblets and chalices are one thing, but rubies and gemstones... unforgivable. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: I'm sorry but studies have proven that rubies and gemstones promote laziness in the workplace and minimize efficiency. Square Enix Goya wants to ensure maximum efficiency and quality in the mining of all chups. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: That's ridiculous! Rubies and gemstones are the essence of Duergars. A Duergar without a dazzling ruby is like a genie without a lamp. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: That... that was uncalled for. ### oFollower2 What's going on here! ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: We're discussing the terms of the Duergar's return to work from stri- ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: You're Charles Barkley, aren't you? ### oBarkley Now look, I don't want to get involved in none of this malarky. I've got nothing to do with magic lamps and gemstones. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: Wait, wait, I think we need the input of a third party on this issue, someone who is already an established member of the community. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: What are you implying, Chief Bloodguzzle? ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: That because Charles Barkley is a third party that represents the interests of neither of us, he would be able to more effectively negotiate the terms for our return to work at the Chup Mines. ### oBarkley Look, I said I don't want nothing to do- ### oFollower3 Dad, this is your chance to do something really good for the world. You have the chance to make someone's life better. ### oFollower2 You've got the chance to give back to the dwarfs after all they've given to you, Barkley. ### oBarkley Mohammed Geniebane: You've got the chance to serve your country and Square Enix Goya. ### oFollower3 Dad... I believe in you. I know deep down you know what's right and what to do. ### oBarkley Jamal Bloodguzzle: So will you do it? Will you mediate for the Declaration of Duergar Rights? ### oBarkley Mediate for civil rights negotiation? ### oFollower2 Barkley, we still haven't used the Dimension Whistle yet. Now would be a good time to use it. ### oFollower3 It looks like you can press the crystal in, dad. ### oFollower0 Hmm, I think this crystal may have something to do with unlocking the door we saw earlier. ### oBarkley What kind of madman would do that? There's got to be a key laying around here somewhere, it doesn't make any sense why someone would use crystals to unlock a door. ### oFollower2 This is no ordinary man we are dealing with Barkley. Cuchlainn has been known to make dangerous donjon caverns with complex mechanics to drive those who wander them insane. They didn't call him a crazed space warlord for no reason, that's for certain. ### oBarkley Huh? What was that? ### oFollower0 It sounds like something moved. Let's go back an investigate. ### oBarkley The door is blocking our way. Looks like we got to find a way in. ### oBarkley What's this? ### oFollower2 I'm... not sure, but I can sense a powerful energy coming from it. ### oFollower0 I can too, Cyberdwarf. I believe this is some sort healing font, just like the one in the B-Ball Catacombs. Touch it and see if it does anything. ### oBarkley Okay. ### oBarkley B-ball energies restored! ### oBarkley I can feel my b-ball energies coming back to me! I feel revitalized. ### oFollower0 Just as I thought. I'm sure we can return to this whenever we need healing. ### oFollower2 Good idea. ### oBarkley B-ball energies restored! ### oBarkley Did you guys hear that? ### oFollower2 Hear what? ### oBarkley There it is again! ### oFollower0 Look out! Someone's heading towards us from the shadows! ### oFollower0 ???: Nya hya hya hya! ### oFollower0 I can't believe it... We killed the Ghastly Darklord. ### oBarkley Who? ### oFollower0 Ghastly Darklord is the minion of Zerugon the evil time lord created thousands of years ago in the Shade Realm. It was said that defeating him is impossible without at least a level 40 bard present. ### oFollower3 Hey dad, he dropped something! ### oBarkley The well looks deep. I can barely see the bottom of it. ### oBarkley Mack said the rod should be down here. ### oFollower2 He also said the Diabeastie lurks down below. We need to be cautious. ### oBarkley The Diabeastie is a myth that these fruit cakes on the island made up. Let's get that rod... ### oBarkley I'm not going down to that place again. ### oBarkley Something tells me jumping down the well isn't such a good idea. ### oBarkley There's no bucket on this well, so I can't take anything. ### oBarkley You see a Well. ### oBarkley Huh? The door's locked. It has two keyholes, but it looks like each keyhole is the same. ### oBarkley It's locked. Mack told me I will also need the Immaculate Rod if I want to enter. ### oBarkley Whoa, both keys broke as I opened the door. Hey, and where did the sugar counter go? I must have lost it. ### oFollower2 It's a good thing we no longer needed those items. ### oBarkley Yeah. At least we can finally see Yelmirb now. ### oFollower2 We promised to kill Raffleson. We need to heed the warning of Jenkins, or risk danger to Yelmirb. ### oBarkley Yeah... I guess you're right. He's probably at his house. ### oBarkley I can't go inside, it's locked. ### oBarkley I need the Immaculate Rod if I want to enter. ### oBarkley Without tools I can't dismantle and carry the door with me. ### oBarkley You see a Tower Door. ### oBarkley You see a Tower Door. ### oBarkley You see a Tower Door. ### oBarkley A four foot long pipe. It looks pretty sturdy. ### oBarkley I'll touch the pipe. ### oFollower0 What are you doing Barkley? ### oBarkley Uhh, I'm not sure. I thought I would use this pipe. ### oFollower0 You can't just use a pipe alone. You need to use it on something. ### oBarkley Yeah, I know that. ### oBarkley He said we could have it, so I'm going to take it. ### oBarkley I guess I could use this for something, I'll take it. ### oFollower0 Rutherford probably owns this pipe, you should ask him if we can have it first. ### oBarkley Yeah, you're right. ### oBarkley You see a Pipe. ### oFollower2 I sense great history behind this rock. I imagine it's a staple of the culture around here. ### oBarkley Yeah, but I can't make out anything in this rock. It's just a bunch of figures in some kind of fight. ### oBarkley I can't see anything I could use on the rock face. ### oBarkley There's nothing to take. ### oBarkley You see a Picture Slate. ### oBarkley This rock is not like the others. It looks like it was manufactured to be this shape. ### oBarkley Use the rock for what? ### oFollower0 Barkley who are you talking to? ### oBarkley No one... Just taking some notes. ### oBarkley Ok, let's take the rock. I have a good feeling about this. ### oBarkley You see a Triangle Rock. ### oBarkley The boulder is blocking the entrance of a cave. It's too heavy to push out of the way. ### oBarkley It's a big boulder. I moved it using the power of leverage. ### oFollower0 Barkley, you can use the rock and pipe we found earlier to create leverage to push the rock out of the way. ### oBarkley Really? What luck that I picked up the correct objects to solve this conundrum. ### oBarkley I already pushed it out of the way. ### oBarkley I wish I could move the boulder blocking the cave, but it's too heavy. ### oFollower0 Rutherford told us the Palladium Orb Sceptre is in there. We need to go in there if we want to see Yelmirb. Perhaps with some tools we could move this out of the way. ### oBarkley Hmm, I'll try knocking on it three times. I heard this works with some boulders. ### oBarkley Nope. ### oBarkley I don't know how I am going to take it, I can't pick it up. ### oBarkley You see a Boulder. ### oBarkley You see a Boulder. ### oBarkley Raffleson set us up! If I ever see that crazy fool again I'm gonna jam him so hard... ### oFollower0 There must be a key piece of information we are missing out on. Something sinister happened on this island. ### oFollower2 We don't need to worry about local politics. Now that we have the key, we need to head the tower as soon as possible. ### oBarkley Yeah, to Liberty Tower then. ### oBarkley Alright, what kind of boondoggle have we found ourselves in now? ### oFollower2 What a disasater... I wonder if the old man is even still here? ### oFollower0 This is strange to be sure. Let's try and find a resident here, perhaps they could help us. Liberty Tower is up north, that's probably a good place to start. ### oBarkley Looks like ordinary rope. There are [n] knot(s) in the rope. ### oBarkley Ok, I'll tie a knot in the rope... There. The rope now has [n] knot(s) in it. ### oBarkley This rope on the ground -- that is the rope with [n] knot(s) -- has very little use for me. ### oBarkley Rutherford: I insist that you stop rummaging through my house. I have told you what you needed to hear, the least I would expect is some cooperation from you. ### oBarkley You see a Rope. ### oBarkley All this wood is rotten. Doesn't look very useful. ### oBarkley I guess I'll grab some of the wood and see what happens. ### oBarkley Suffered 1 VP of damage! ### oBarkley Gatdam! I got a splinter. ### oBarkley I don't need rotten wood. ### oBarkley Rutherford: I insist that you stop rummaging through my house. I have told you what you needed to hear, the least I would expect is some cooperation from you. ### oBarkley You see a Woodpile. ### oBarkley Looks like a pretty cool crate. ### oBarkley Every time I open the crate it has different contents. As if it contains a random assortment of items every time I open it. ### oFollower0 Odd indeed. The concept of random "loot" inside crates has been well documented in tomes of old age. This crate must be very old. ### oBarkley I can't carry the crate, and there's nothing I can use it for. ### oBarkley Rutherford: I insist that you stop rummaging through my house. I have told you what you needed to hear, the least I would expect is some cooperation from you. ### oBarkley You see a Crate. ### oBarkley Hey, there's a door. That's gotta be our way out of here. ### oBarkley Pulled book 1. ### oBarkley Pull which book? ### oBarkley There's a lot of books on here. Wait, there's three books on here labelled 1, 2, and 3. It looks like you can pull on them, but they won't seperate from the bookcase. ### oBarkley I don't need to use this again. ### oBarkley I guess I could pull the books in a certain order... Maybe the order is in the room some where? I wonder if there are any number references in this room... ### oBarkley Pull which book? ### oBarkley What can I use? It's just books. ### oBarkley Why would I want to do that? ### oBarkley Rutherford: I insist that you stop rummaging through my house. I have told you what you needed to hear, the least I would expect is some cooperation from you. ### oBarkley You see a Bookcase. ### oBarkley There's nothing special about this chair. ### oBarkley I'd rather not sit down right now. ### oFollower2 We don't need a chair Barkley. ### oBarkley You're right. ### oBarkley Rutherford: I insist that you stop rummaging through my house. I have told you what you needed to hear, the least I would expect is some cooperation from you. ### oBarkley You see a Chair. ### oBarkley There's a few dents and holes in the bucket. ### oBarkley This bucket can't hold a thing, so there's no reason to use it. ### oBarkley I'm better off not carrying a broken bucket. ### oBarkley Rutherford: I insist that you stop rummaging through my house. I have told you what you needed to hear, the least I would expect is some cooperation from you. ### oBarkley You see a Bucket. ### oBarkley Nothing but crumbs and stains are on the table. ### oBarkley I'll lay on the table and see if anything happens. ### oBarkley At least I tried. ### oBarkley I doubt I'll need a table anytime soon. ### oBarkley Rutherford: I insist that you stop rummaging through my house. I have told you what you needed to hear, the least I would expect is some cooperation from you. ### oBarkley You see a Table. ### oBarkley There's some clothes in here, mostly worn-out black robes. ### oBarkley I don't want to put anything in the dresser, so I'm not going to use it. ### oBarkley There's a pretty good robe in here, maybe Balthios could use it. ### oBarkley There's nothing I want in the dresser. ### oBarkley Rutherford: I insist that you stop rummaging through my house. I have told you what you needed to hear, the least I would expect is some cooperation from you. ### oBarkley You see a Dresser. ### oBarkley Doesn't seem to work. The time is stuck at 12:32. For some reason, I have the urge to write this number down. ### oBarkley I could wind the clock, but I don't think that's going to do a whole lot. ### oFollower0 What time does the clock say Barkley? ### oBarkley Says 12:32. Guess that's the time it stopped working. For some reason, I have the urge to write this number down. ### oBarkley I could put a necklace on this and wear it on my neck, but it wouldn't help me escape this sitaution. ### oBarkley Rutherford: I insist that you stop rummaging through my house. I have told you what you needed to hear, the least I would expect is some cooperation from you. ### oBarkley You see a Clock. ### oBarkley There's some tools in one of the drawers. Most of them are too rusted, but it looks like the screwdriver can be used. ### oBarkley There are tools in one of the drawers. All of them are too rusted to be any good. ### oBarkley I can't use the work table. ### oBarkley Screwdrivers are pretty versitile. I'll grab it. ### oBarkley Why would I want to do that? ### oBarkley Rutherford: I insist that you stop rummaging through my house. I have told you what you needed to hear, the least I would expect is some cooperation from you. ### oBarkley You see a Work Table. ### oBarkley You see a Work Table. ### oBarkley The Diabeastie is finally dead. Wait... It dropped something. ### oBarkley It looks like some kind of gizmo. ### oBarkley ???: Greetings, fine chaps. Good showing. ### oBarkley Who the hell are you? ### oBarkley ???: It is I, Octavius Steambrast; traverser of the skies and above. I have come to retrieve an item of great magickal importance, the Magick Poleshaft. I came upon this island to slay the Diabeastie with my own hands, but thanks to you fellows that is no longer necessary. ### oBarkley You mean this Poleshaft? Hmm, I don't know. I think I could use this. ### oBarkley Octavius Steambrast: Very well, I would not expect you to go uncompensated. What say you, that in exchange for the relic, I pledge 20% of profits I make from my Mechanical Bird to the United Negro College Fund? ### oBarkley Give Steambrast the gizmo in exchange for the pledge? ### oBarkley Mack: Back off Diabeastie! You will find no satisfaction in destroying our lands! ### oBarkley Diabeastie: Sugar SuGar SUGaR sugaR. ### oBarkley Diabeastie: ### oBarkley Mack: Noooo! Gahhhhhh! ### oFollower0 So the tomes were right... It does exist. ### oBarkley He's just a chump like any other. Hey Diabeastie! Over here! ### oBarkley Diabeastie: SUGAR SUgAR! ### oBarkley Game on punk! ### oBarkley That's a pretty fair trade. ### oFollower0 Are you sure Barkley? This could be a priceless relic. ### oBarkley It's not like I was going to do anything with it. Alright Steambrast, you got yourself a deal. ### oBarkley Gave the Poleshaft to Octavius Steambrast. ### oBarkley Octavius Steambrast: Jhodan will be pleased... Many thanks, your cooperation will not go unnoticed. Good day. ### oBarkley I think I'll hold onto this. ### oBarkley Octavius Steambrast: This displeases me greatly. You have made an enemy today Charles Barkley. ### oBarkley Octavius Steambrast: Make no mistake... I will have the last laugh. ### oBarkley Octavius Steambrast: Steam blast commence! ### oBarkley I've have enough of this island. Let's visit Yelmirb so we can finally get off of this damn rock. ### oBarkley It's another one of those crazy cult members, this one looks different though. He looks wounded. ### oBarkley Looks like he died. ### oFollower0 He is gripping onto something. It looks like - ### oFollower2 A chaff grenade. Hmmm, while dwarves are more keen on throwing axes and satchels to toss at foes, I'm sure my expert lobbing skills could extend to grenades. Let's take it. ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf learned "Chaff Grenade!" ### oFollower0 Leave him be Barkley. He's gone now. ### oBarkley Jenkins: I see you have come to finish me off... So the coward sends someone else to do his dirty work. It makes no difference, you shall be banished all the same. ### oBarkley I didn't come here to fight anyone. I'm just looking for a key. ### oBarkley Jenkins: You mean... ### oBarkley Jenkins: This key? ### oBarkley Yeah, that looks like it. Can I have it? ### oBarkley Jenkins: What kind of fool do you take me, Gerrad Jenkins, for? I fought to the death protecting this from the wrong hands, and you think I would simply hand it over? ### oBarkley Someone named Rutherford told me I needed the key to enter Liberty Tower so I can see Yelmirb. If you don't hand it over, I'm gonna have to slam you. ### oBarkley Jenkins: Rutherford? So that's what Raffleson goes by these days. You really are clueless. That scum bag wants Liberty Tower to be unlocked so he can kill Yelmirb. Tell me, what good is unlocking the tower if Yelmirb dies? ### oBarkley What! He didn't tell me that. ### oBarkley Jenkins: Of course he didn't... Listen closely, I'm fatally wounded and don't have much time left. I will give you this key, but you must kill Raffleson -- who you know as Rutherford -- before entering the tower. If you don't, you'll never get a chance to see Yelmirb. ### oBarkley Will you promise to kill Raffleson? ### oBarkley Jenkins: Raffleson is known for his deception... Don't fall prey to any of his schemes, no matter what he says. ### oFollower0 Leave him be Barkley. He's gone now. ### oBarkley I don't like the cut of his jib. ### oFollower0 Leave him be Barkley. He's gone now. ### oBarkley Alright, I'll do it. Man, things over here are pretty fucked up. I thought Neo New York was bad. ### oBarkley Jenkins: Yelmirb be with you... ### oBarkley Jenkins: I didn't catch that. What did you say? ### oBarkley Jenkins: You would be mad to reject my terms! Yelmirb will die! ### oBarkley Jenkins: Saying no is simply not an option! ### oBarkley Will you promise to kill Raffleson? ### oBarkley You see a Jenkins. ### oVince D-damnit... ### oBarkley Are you guys okay? ### oBalthios Y-yeah, I think I'm al- ### oBarkley ???: Dad? ### oBarkley H-Hoopz! ### oHoopz Dad, where am I? What's going on? ### oBarkley Hoopz, I was so worried... I was so worried, Hoopz. ### oHoopz What's going on? Where are we? ### oBarkley L-let's go Hoopz. There are some things I need to tell you. ### oHoopz Okay dad. ### oBarkley Y... Yelmirb? ### oBrimley ???: You have come for something, haven't you? ### oBarkley My son, Yelmirb, he's- ### oBarkley ???: That name... that name, it frustrates me. Do not call me that. Call me Brimley. Wilford Brimley. ### oBrimley Speak, Charles Barkley. Tell me what it is you want from me. I do not have much time and only one gift left to give. ### oBarkley H-how do you know my name? ### oBrimley I know many things, Charles Barkley. Please, tell me about your son. ### oBarkley They... That bastard, he... ### oBrimley I sense a great level of diabetes within your son. ### oBarkley It's... It's type 2, the kind they were never able to cure. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know where to take him. Please, Wilford Brimley, I need you. ### oBrimley Many people need me, Charles Barkley, yet I can only help one. Do you know why I am hooked up to this machine? I have a gift. Perhaps others would call it a curse, but I choose to look at it differently. You see, I have the ability to take away someone's diabetes and make it my own. It hurts me, Charles Barkley, it hurts me very badly and because of the extremely high levels of diabetes in my body, I must remain connected to this insulin machine at all times. I have remained in this room for over fifty years absorbing the suffering of those around me, but my body has grown weak and not even the constant insulin drip of my machine can help me anymore... I am dying, Charles Barkley... I am dying. ### oBrimley Tell me, Charles Barkley... Why should I help you? ### oBarkley I love my son. ### oBrimley How much do you love him? ### oBarkley More than I loved Maureen. ### oBrimley That is all I wanted to hear. I will put Hoopz into my machine and I will take away his agony. ### oBarkley ???: Stop where you are! ### oBalthios Vinceborg! ### oCyberdwarf Y-you son of a bitch! What the hell are you doing here!? What the hell do you want? ### oVince My mission was to kill Hoopz Barkley. I am here to make sure that happens. ### oBarkley God damnit, Vince! Snap out of it, don't you see you've been brainwashed by B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.? This isn't like you, Vince! You're not one of the bad guys, you shouldn't be doing this! ### oVince N-no, I shouldn-... This is not my concern. My mission is to kill Hoopz Barkley and if you're going to stand in my way, then I'll kill you too! ### oBarkley Huh? Where's Raffleson? ### oFollower0 This is odd. Maybe he caught word of our conversation in the cave and ran off? ### oFollower2 Let's not concern ourselves with this, he's gone and he can't touch Yelmirb if he's not here. No need to waste any more time, we should head to the tower. ### oBarkley You're right, Liberty Tower it is. ### oBarkley Huh? Who locked the door? ### oFollower0 Sugar gas particles are flooding this room, quick, find an escape before it poisons us all! ### oFollower2 It looks like the gas mechanism stalled... However we're still stuck in here. ### oBarkley This is what Jenkins was probably talking about. Raffleson wanted to kill us before we got to him so he could get the sceptre. Looks like his master plan ran out of "gas". ### oFollower0 ... ### oFollower2 ...Let's just find a way out. ### oBarkley Damnit don't look at me like that guys. I'm just trying to lighten the mood. Let's just find a way out. ### oBarkley Hey, you there. Do you know any old men? ### oBarkley ???: Step away! Who sent you? I have a flask full of sugar water and I will not hesitate to use it! ### oBarkley Whoa, hold on! I don't got any gripes with you pal, I'm just here looking for an old man. I was told he could cure diabetes. ### oBarkley ???: Is that so? Then you're not of them... ### oBarkley Look, I don't know what's going on here. I'm not sure I want to know. All I want is for my son to be cured so I can be on my way. ### oBarkley ???: If only things were that simple. However, it appears with some cooperation we could mutually achieve our goals. The name is Rutherford. You would be? ### oBarkley Charles Barkley. So do you know who this old man is? Can he really help my son? ### oBarkley Rutherford: Indubitably. The man you seek is Yelmirb, but your primary concern is accessing his quarters. ### oBarkley What do you mean? ### oBarkley Rutherford: He is locked away in Liberty Tower. You may only enter with posession of the Palladium Orb Sceptre. ### oBarkley Yeah, I saw it was locked. Where's the sceptre at? ### oBarkley Rutherford: It lies in a cave, near the bottom of the island. A fool named Jenkins trapped himself inside a cave and is protecting the sceptre, thus you may encounter difficulties obtaining it. ### oBarkley Jenkins huh? I've dealt with worse. Thanks for the help, I'm heading out now. ### oBarkley This guy is a part of the diabetes cult on this island. That's about all I know. ### oFollower0 He's wearing a traditional Zaubermancer Garb as well Barkely. He most certainly is a conjurer. ### oBarkley Rutherford: If you want the Palladium Orb Sceptre, you will have to head towards the cave on the south of the island. ### oBarkley Do you mind if we take that Pipe over there? ### oBarkley Rutherford: Not at all. I've been meaning to get rid of it. ### oBarkley Great. Let's get the pipe. ### oBarkley No way am I going to let one of these cult members follow me around. The sooner I leave this place, the better. ### oBarkley You see a Rutherford. ### oBarkley You see a Rutherford. ### oBarkley I don't know what to say. It's a pretty generic looking truck pump. ### oBarkley Pump: In the course of my career as a vidcon specialist (my own coinage, spend it wisely), I have never seen such blatant and frankly, sickening ignorance as that exhibited by the "people" (if, in fact, they are homo sapiens at all, as their intelligence implies elsewise) that claim that Zelda is not an RPG. There is nothing that Shigeru "Shiggy" Miyamoto could possibly do to make the vidcon any more of an RPG as it meets every single criterion for being one, particularly that it takes place in an imaginary realm with a fantastical beastiary, the damsel/villain ratio is at or above standards, and that the core emphasis of the gameplay is on bedazzling all foes with impeccable swords and sorcery. Furthermore, this line of thought can be extended to all vidcons in which the player controls a character (hence, roleplaying), though I cringe slightly at the thought of such mundane vidcons as Madden being RPGs, as they do not even include exotic weaponry such as the tonfa. ### oBarkley I'm not a gas jockey, so I think I'll pass on nabbing it. ### oBarkley You see a Truck Pump. ### oBarkley Some kind of fancy wooden door. It looks like it's jammed shut. ### oBarkley I can't open it, it's jammed. ### oBarkley Taking the door isn't gonna happen. ### oBarkley You see a Wooden Door. ### oBarkley Ughhh... The sugar... Granules everywhere... AGHHH! ### oBarkley There's no way I'm going back until I've got that damn rod. ### oBarkley There's no way I'm going back until I've got that damn rod. ### oBarkley Did you guys see that? ### oFollower0 See what? With all the sugar in here I can barely see anything. ### oBarkley Nevermind... ### oBarkley What the hell... A sculpture made of sugar? ### oFollower0 That's no sculpture Barkley... That's a body that underwent spontaneous sugarfication. The same will happen to us if we get too contaminated. Be careful. ### oBarkley There's no way I'm gonna touch that. ### oBarkley The last thing I want is more sugar. ### oBarkley You see a Sugarfied Body. ### oBarkley I can't open the door because it's locked. Looks like you can lock this door from the inside and outside. ### oBarkley I'll use the key I found in the desk... Huh? It doesn't fit. Guess I can't use it here. ### oBarkley I can't open it, it's locked. ### oBarkley You can't take a door. ### oBarkley You see a Locked Door. ### oBarkley You see a Locked Door. ### oBarkley This guy is blocking the tower door. He looks like he's in some kind of trance, I don't think he even noticed we're here. ### oBarkley It's Mack. Going from past experience with these cult members, who knows what dark secrets he has. ### oBarkley Can you hear me? You gotta step back. I need to go in the tower. ### oBarkley Cultist: By Yelmirb's blessings! An outsider! Tell me friend, what brings you to this land in these dark times? ### oBarkley My son is sick and I need to see Yelmirb. ### oBarkley Cultist: Well, unfortunate as that is, the tower is locked. ### oBarkley Yeah, I know all about that. I got this key so I can enter the tower. ### oBarkley Cultist: Key? You mean the Orb Sceptre and Immaculate Rod? ### oBarkley What are you talking about? Some chump called Rutherford told me all I needed was this sceptre to enter the tower. ### oBarkley Cultist: Rutherford? Oh, you mean Richards right? ### oBarkley Jenkins told us his name was Raffleson. ### oBarkley Cultist: Ah yes, Gerrad Jenkins. He is correct, but his "true" name is Richards. You see, Richards came here 6 years ago to cure his own diabetes. However, he tried to split the faith at Liberty Island by promoting radical ideas. We had no choice but to exile him, but he keeps returning under different names, trying to start up a new revolution. He goes by many names, but his true name remains as that; Richards. ### oBarkley None of that matters. All we need is that rod you were talking about, can you tell us where we can find it? ### oBarkley Cultist: Yes, but first, I must tell you of a tale... Oh! Forgive my rudeness, I am Mack; a level 15 Sugar Slayer. You are safe with me outsider. Now, follow me to the tablet. There is much explaining to do. ### oBarkley Where the hell are these guys coming from? ### oFollower0 I don't know Barkley, but we are at their mercy until we meet Yelmirb. Let's go to the tablet. ### oBarkley Mack: It all started 30 years ago, just after the Great Awakening. Once we became aware of the evils of sugar, it would be tantamount to sin to keep this information secret. Thus we formed a group of the most devout L.I.B.E.R.T.Y. followers to travel the lands spreading the word. We called them the Needles of Hope. After a year of their successful campaign to liberate the world of sugar, something sinister occurred. You see, we initially thought that it would be as simple as telling people not to consume sugar and that would be the end of it... We were wrong. ### oBarkley What does this have to do with the rod? I don't have time for your fairy-tales. ### oBarkley Mack: Be patient my friend, the answers will come in time. As I was saying, a proactive message was not enough to end the ills of sugar. What we didn't know was that sugar was sentient... Living, if you will, be it a very basic existence. Its ultimate goal was to control humanity through diabetes, acting as a parasite to force its will upon the unsuspecting populace. Once we set the wheels in motion to stop it... It evolved. Its first incarnation, as we knew it, were Sugar Delmons. ### oBarkley Delmons? You mean demons? ### oFollower0 No, Barkley. Delmons are part of the same genus as Demi-Daemons, Arch Demoniods, Lesser Demonkin, and more commonly Demons. They are slightly more powerful than demons but this is highly subject to debate as Demons possess Imp Summon level 2 whereas Delmons possess a Junction ability to seed powers from entities. I am actually quite shocked the connection between sugar and delmons was never made given the obvious traits. ### oBarkley Mack: Excellent observations and you are correct. So the Sugar Delmons knew their days were outnumbered, and as a last ditch effort to combat our aggressive war against them, they all convened at the Tower of Glucose. Otherwise known as the former Domino Sugar factory, its destruction during the cyberpocalypse lead to a great pillar of sugar being created. After their meeting, they decided to use ancient magicks to merge into one entity... Das Fructose Ungeheuer. ### oBarkley The what? Are you just making shit up now? ### oFollower0 The Diabeastie... I thought it was only a myth? ### oBarkley Mack: Take a look around you, my friend. The sugarfication of our holy land is just a small... Taste, if you will... Of its assault against Liberty Island. With the tower locked, Yelmirb will undoubtedly die soon and sugar will prevail. ### oBarkley Let's make one thing clear here, I'm not here to help you or any of your looney toon friends. I don't want to hear any more stories. My son is dying. Do you understand? Just tell me where the rod is. ### oBarkley Mack: You are naive Mr. Barkley, for this lore is the only guard us mortals have against Das Fructose Ungeheuer. However, I will not press further if you refuse to learn, instead I will comply with your request. The Immaculate Rod lies deep beneath this island. You can find an entrance to the nether regions through the well near the center of town. ### oBarkley Mack: I have some neo-shekels I want you to have. You will need them, if you hope to defeat the Diabeastie. ### oBarkley Received $750 Neo-Shekels! ### oFollower0 Thanks for all the help, Mack. ### oBarkley Mack: Wait! ### oBarkley Mack: I will not lie to you Barkley, great danger awaits you. Here, take this Sugar Counter with you. Do not expose yourself to the sugar, or you will perish. If you allow the particle count to exceed 4.5 granules per square inch... You're as good as dead. ### oBarkley Mack: Yelmirb bless you... ### oBarkley Mack: The well will lead you to the rod. Beware, as the sugar readings down there far exceed normal conditions. Do not allow the particle count to go above 4... You don't want to know what happens if you have that level of exposure. ### oBarkley There's nothing on him to take, and I'm not gonna steal anyway. ### oBarkley You see a Cultist. ### oBarkley You see a Mack. ### oBarkley Looks like a regular desk. It has a drawer, but it's locked. ### oBarkley I found a key in this desk. Doesn't look like anything else useful is here. ### oBarkley I don't need to use the desk again. ### oBarkley Alright, I pried open the drawer. Let's see what's inside... ### oBarkley Hmm, a key. I bet this opens the front door. ### oBarkley The drawer is locked. The lock looks pretty shabby, but I can't force it open. If only I had something to pry it open... ### oBarkley I'd need a shopping cart if I wanted to haul the desk away. I don't have one so it looks like that's not going to happen. ### oBarkley Rutherford: I insist that you stop rummaging through my house. I have told you what you needed to hear, the least I would expect is some cooperation from you. ### oBarkley You see a Desk. ### oBarkley Just what I needed. This door is locked too. ### oBarkley That key I found in the desk has to work here... ### oBarkley I can't open the door, it's locked. ### oBarkley That ain't gonna happen. ### oBarkley You see a Secret Door. ### oBarkley You see a Secret Door. ### oBarkley Reginald: You... Ughhh... You don't understand, none of you... ### oBarkley Reginald: Aghh... You will regret this. You will -- orgrhh -- go down in the history books as the man who plagued humanity with diabetes... ### oBarkley Reginald: Ahhhhhhh!!! ### oBarkley We got the rod, now let's get the hell out of here. ### oBarkley The Diabeastie! ### oBarkley Diabeastie?: ... ### oFollower2 It's holding the rod. We're going to have to slay this beast. ### oBarkley Diabeastie?: Then it's a good thing I am not the Diabeastie. ### oBarkley What? You can talk? ### oBarkley Diabeastie?: Perhaps you will recognize me without the disguise... ### oFollower0 Richards? You were the Diabeastie this whole time? ### oBarkley Reginald: Richards is such an old name... I prefer the title Reginald, to be frank. ### oBarkley Enough with the name games, chump. Hand over the rod. ### oBarkley Reginald: You don't understand do you? The evil you are commiting... ### oBarkley Reginald: Did you ever think for a second why they wanted to exile me? ### oBarkley I had enough of you fruit cakes and your gatdam tales already! Just hand over the rod! ### oFollower0 Barkley, we need to hear him out. It would be irresponsible to pass judgement otherwise. ### oBarkley He tried to kill us. Good enough reason for me. ### oBarkley Reginald: I did not know I could trust you... I also apologize for my actions, but I believed a greater good would be accomplished. You see, I did have a radical belief according to the plebeians inhabiting this island. I believed we should clone Yelmirb, so that we could rid diabetes once and for all. They let "morals" cloud their judgement and said it would be inhumane, creating someone to absorb the suffering of others. But who would have to know? Is it not better for one man to carry the burden than society as a whole? They call this killing Yelmirb, I call it rebirth. ### oFollower2 You can't make a decision like that. It's not yours to make. ### oBarkley Reginald: How dare you speak in such tone when you desire Yelmirb's service. Do you think he says some magick words, and mystically takes away the diabetes from your son? No. He absorbs it, so your son does not have to live a crippled life. Yelmirb understands his sacrifices to humanity. Subsequent clones would as well. ### oFollower0 You can't play Clispaeth. No one can. You're deranged. ### oBarkley Reginald: Very well. I see you are as ignorant as those who lived on this island... No matter! Fear my deadly magicks! ### oBarkley Reginald: You... Ughhh... You don't understand, none of you... ### oBarkley Reginald: Aghh... You will regret this. You will -- orgrhh -- go down in the history books as the man who plagued humanity with diabetes... ### oBarkley Reginald: Ahhhhhhh!!! ### oBarkley We got the rod, now let's get the hell out of here. ### oBarkley There's no way I'm going back to that island again. ### oBarkley Pump: I never thought I'd see such blatant trolling as I have in this forum. Step away from the computer, drop the ham sandwich and back the FRACK off, gaijin. I hate to use that word but you've made me that serious. As hard as it may be for you to fathom, some of us here are actual fans of the Final Fantasy series (pre FFX) and Square's work in general. You can try to bash me for an avatar that I bought because I happen to be a dedicated fan of perhaps the most poignant, painstakingly woven tapestry of love, loss and vengeance ever to be put from pen to paper, but you would fail, just like all of you flamers do in real life. Who can say that the minds at Square Enix (note: appropriate portmanteau is SQUENIX, not the laughable SQUEENIX) were not inspired by the works of William Shakespeare or Chuck Palahniuk? Cloud's bastard sword has more akin with the bastard sons of Macbeth than it does any armament or basilard of the time. The Honey Bee Club in Midgar reminds me more of the Fight Clubs than any brothel. So please, use your brains, not your sarcasm, and step up to the intellectual plate, or leave this forum and take your "haterade" with you. ### oFollower2 The Spalding Factory... Who knows what lurks in these halls. ### oBarkley What are these? ### oFollower0 They still appear to be functioning, even after all these years. ### oFollower0 Computer: Current lift status: inactive. Please insert red key. ### oBarkley Lift status? Is this a fucking vidcon or something? ### oFollower3 It probably means there's a lift somewhere that's not working. We've probably gotta put in the red key to get it moving. ### oBarkley How'd you figure that out, Hoopz? ### oFollower3 Vidcons, dad! ### oBarkley Vidcons... ### oFollower0 We need to get moving, Charles. ### oBarkley Alright. Let's see what we can find in this factory... ### oBarkley Here's 50 neo-shekels. ### oDVitale Awesome baby. This is just dandy. Did I ever tell you how great you are? Gonna hit keno later, it's gonna be a blast! ### oBarkley I don't have enough neo-shekels to give you. ### oDVitale What? You gotta be fucking kidding me, baby. You, a famous BBall star and you ain't got nothing to show for? Just go away, I don't have anything awesome to say to you baby. ### oBarkley W-what? I thought we were cool? ### oDVitale No money no funny, baby, you get the idea. Just scram pal, you're wasting my breath. ### oBarkley Sorry Dick, I can't spare any neo-shekels. I need them. ### oDVitale What? Can't even spare some money for an old friend? You need to get a fucking clue pal, what means more to you, baby? Neo-shekels or an old pal? Guess I know where you stand huh? Guess I know where you stand! ### oBarkley W-what? I thought we were cool? ### oDVitale No money no funny, baby, you get the idea. Just scram pal, you're wasting my breath. ### oBarkley They were forced to graft b-balls to your skin... ### oCyberdwarf Yes. I have flesh of... of b-balls now. ### oBarkley I am sorry, Cyberdwarf... ### oCyberdwarf There are more important things to be sorry about, like your father's predicament, Barkley. ### oBarkley My... father? ### oCyberdwarf Balthios, this is Barkley, isn't it? Hoopz Barkley? ### oBalthios N-no, Cyberdwarf. This is Charles, Hoopz's father! I thought you wanted me to bring Charles! ### oCyberdwarf Damnit Balthios, I said Hoopz! Charles is not the one! ### oVince Bzzt! Zzzt! The... one... Zzzt! Bzzt! ### oBalthios Vinceborg 2050, what's happening? ### oVince N-nothing Balthios... I thought I was getting back my memories but it was... nothing. ### oCyberdwarf Balthios, this grave error has cost us what precious little time to spare we had. We must find Hoopz Barkley at once! ### oBarkley Wh-what's happening? What are you talking about? ### oCyberdwarf There is no time to explain! Where is Hoopz? ### oBalthios He's at the church. I left him with Bird. ### oCyberdwarf Then we must go there at once! I will explain everything once he is in our protection, but there is no time to spare and too much to lose if we wait any further. There is a passage to the church if we take the path to the north and left. Quickly, we must make haste! ### oBarkley Balthios, what's happening? Is Hoopz going to be okay? ### oBalthios I... don't know, Barkley. Only time can tell. ### oBarkley Only time can tell... ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf has joined the party! ### oBarkley Guthrie: I wouldn't use these weapons if I didn't have to. ### oBarkley Nope. ### oBarkley Mark: You leave me no choice. If I can't have the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N., I will follow it until my very demise. ### oBarkley What? Get outta my face. ### oBarkley Mark: G.U.N.S... ### oBarkley Mark: Yes... The power... The mystique... I shall not soon forget this, bringer of the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N. You will undoubtedly go in the history books for this. ### oBarkley What about my reward? ### oBarkley Mark: Oh, how could I forget? Here it is. ### oBarkley Mark: I won this at the 2038 Gun'sCon for the best gun's collection. It's all yours now. ### oBarkley What. ### oBarkley Mark: Treasure it. That is the closest you will ever come to becoming a true guns'braster... ### oFollower0 I think we better go now. ### oBarkley Let's rub the genie lamp and see what happens... ### oBarkley Kazaam: Who dare to wake me? Ain't gonna mame this a mystery. Don't wanna do time on your wish. Watch it, boy! You don't want to dis me! Or I'll dish out my misery. Now. Who's that sorry wanna-be that disturbed my Z's? If you wanna be number one, I'm sorry boy, that's been done! But if you got the itches for a sack of riches don't matter how avaricious, I'm the man that can grant your wishes! Hey, don't turn your butt on me! I'm the man of the ages, straight out of the pages. Hang on! I'm contagious, outrageous, spontaneous! You can't contain this. I am KAZAAM! ### oFollower2 Holy Clispaeth! It's Kazaam. ### oBarkley Kazaam: I am... Kazaam! ### oFollower0 Wow Barkley, I've heard about this Djinni in my tomes. Since we have summoned Kazaam, we are entitled to a wish. ### oBarkley Kazaam: Make your wish and I'm out of your face, back in my lamp and away from this place. ### oBarkley Ok, I'll wish for... ### oBarkley What do you wish for? ### oBarkley ???: Tell me, Charles Barkley, what is a b-ball? ### oBarkley Wh-what? Who are you? ### oBarkley ???: Just humor me, tell me what a b-ball is. ### oBarkley It's... it's an orange ball with black lines on it. It bounces well but it's easy to hold and throw, perfect for slams and shots. ### oBarkley ???: That was good, Charles. Tell me more about the lines on a b-ball. The black lines. ### oFollower0 Charles... ### oBarkley What about the lines? They're black. They divide the ball into little segments and they improve grip. ### oBarkley ???: Ahhh, the segments. Did you know those lines are the reason I got in this business? ### oBarkley What do you mean? What are you talking about... ### oBarkley ???: It's true. You see, those lines, they mean different things to you than they do to me. You mentioned that the lines divide the ball into segments. I believe you are wrong, Charles Barkley. I believe that the lines are in fact a symbol of unity, that they are the only things holding the ball together. Have you ever considered that even though the lines all go in different directions, they all have the exact same point of origin and end? Have you ever considered that without those lines, you'd be staring at a bunch of strips of leather and rubber and not a basketball? They bring the ball together. That is why I made basketballs, Charles Barkley. To bring people together, to show them that the lines on a b-ball do not divide it, but hold it together. I suppose I failed. ### oFollower2 Scott H. Creelman... ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: Yes, that was my name before the Purge, back when I was CEO of a company called Spalding, back when we had a dream... Heh, the only dreams I have now are nightmares. ### oBarkley We came for the prototype, Creelman. We need it to stop B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: I know. I've been waiting for you. ### oBarkley Can I have it? ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: Hah! Haha ha! HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA! ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: I've been waiting for you to ask me that, Charles Barkley! I've been waiting 12 years for this! Come Charles Barkley, face my danger! ### oBarkley No, Creelman. I won't fight you. You're not my enemy. ### oBarkley Scott H. Creelman: Hahaha, you don't get it, do you Charles Barkley? All of this, it's ~FATE~. The Purge, the prototype, our meeting. All of this is ~FATE~. You have no choice as to whether we will battle or not. It was already predestined. ### oBarkley So be it, Creelman. We'll see what ~FATE~ has in store! ### oFollower2 We're at a crossroads, Charles. We need to see this diabetes expert on Liberty Island but there are two ways to get there: by ferry or by Underground Railroad. ### oBarkley Which way is faster? We don't have much time, Cyberdwarf! ### oFollower2 I honestly don't know but I would prefer the Underground Railroad. It simply speaks to my Dwarven sensibility for caves. ### oFollower0 The only preference that I have, Charles, is that we make haste in our decision. Our method of transportation is up to you. ### oFollower2 If we're going to take the ferry, we should leave this parking lot from the right. The Underground Railroad is in the building at the top of the lot. ### oBarkley I'll... I'll try to make my decision soon. ### oBarkley Th-this is it... Cuchulainn's Tomb. ### oFollower2 Barkley, are you aware of the story of Cuchulainn? ### oBarkley Not really. Should I be? ### oFollower2 Yes, Barkley... You should be very aware of his story. It began long ago, long before the Cyberpocalypse. Cuchulainn was a Celtic space warlord with crimes too unbearable to even mention. ### oFollower3 What did he do, Cyberdwarf? ### oFollower2 What he did was... too gruesome, too terrible to tell. I am sure that someday, Hoopz, you will know what he did, but his crimes are not important now. What is important is that Clispaeth was able to seal Cuchulainn's power away and prevent him from ever causing harm again. However, as millenia passed, the power of the seal eroded and Cuchulainn was once again able to extend his darkened tendrils into the world. Granted, he's still sealed but some of his power has leaked through to our dimension. ### oBarkley What does all this mean, Cyberdwarf? Is Cuchulainn coming back or what? I don't get it. ### oFollower2 Cuchulainn has the ability to show a man what he most desires, Barkley. It means that if you see what it is you want the most inside this tomb, absolutely do not touch it. Touching it will break the seal forever and release Cuchulainn back into the world. ### oBarkley I'll... remember that. We'd better get going though, that jamicite isn't going to get itself. ### oFollower0 No, no, this is the tomb of a lesser baller... yes, this is the tomb of Scotty Pippin. This is an incredible find though, b-ball historians have been searching for Scotty Pippin's tomb since the Purge. Wait, look at this inscription right here. It seems to be in Al Bhed. It reads... 'Be wary of the curse of Dekembe Motumbo. Not all dead lie.' ### oBarkley Not all dead lie? What does that mean? ### oFollower2 It means we'll have to be careful. Come on. ### oBarkley Yes, let's go. ### oFollower0 As much as I'd like to stay here and study this tomb, we've got more pressing things to do. ### oHellbane Yes, that's right. I'm Balthios. ### oBarkley Wh-why didn't you tell me Balthios? If I had known... ### oHellbane I didn't think you could handle it Barkley. People say I'm B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S., that I'm a terrorist and a murderer. I couldn't let my best friend think that of me... But that's not why I brought you here. I want you to meet... My great grandfather. ### oBaller Charles... ### oBarkley Lebron! What... What happened? I haven't seen you since the purge. ### oBaller That... seems like so long ago, Charles. I don't have much time left. I can feel the doors of the B-Ball Dimension slowly closing so I must speak quickly. Listen carefully Barkley, I will only be able to tell you this once. ### oBarkley Okay Lebron. ### oBaller Dark forces are at foot, Charles. The terrorist organization B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. has some sort of power... Something I... can't quite explain. I am not sure of the nature of this power but I am certain it is profoundly powerful... more powerful than anything this world has ever experienced. You recall the... Space Jam, don't you, Barkley? ### oBarkley The Space Jam? What's that got to do with it? ### oBaller I cannot be certain, Charles, but I believe that B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. has obtained the Ultimate B-Ball, the ball that you and the four other ballers were trapped in, and are using it to... I'm not sure, Barkley. I cannot understand the purposes of a madman, but I can only see evil coming of it. ### oBarkley But... the Ultimate B-Ball lost its powers when Jordan won the Space Jam. ### oBaller That is what I believed as well. It seems, though that some of your power was trapped inside the ball and grew over time; grew to a point that even the Chaos Dunk is usable. Barkley... If there are madmen out there with the ability to use the Chaos Dunk, think of all the people at risk. Think of all the people that have already died because of them. Manhattan is destroyed! ### oBarkley No... I vowed long ago that nobody would ever suffer another Chaos Dunk. Something has to be done... anything. But Lebron, what can we do? ### oBaller M... My time is... fa...ding... I can no l...onger... maintain... the connection.. from the B-Ball Di...mension... L...ook... to the... Cyberdwarf... Look to... the... Cy...ber...dwarf.............. ### oBarkley Goodbye, Lebron... ### oHellbane Barkley, I can hear rumbling. ### oBarkley What the hell is that? ### oHellbane Look out! Here comes a B-Ball Monster! ### oHellbane B-Ball Monster: B-BAAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSS! ### oBarkley Pump: Among the most prominent Japanese composers (although I use the word 'Japanese' superfluously, as even the most well-known American composers are barely competent at best), one in particular stands out to the enlightened vidcon soundtrack consumer. His name: Yasunori Mitsuda. For the record, this is not to undermine the amazing works of other incredibly talented vidcon composers such as Uematsu-san or Sakuraba-san, but to highlight the unique, almost celto-tropic music (the word music is an understatement) that Yasunori Mitsuda has been composing for years. It would be sheer ignorance to deny that the Chrono Cross soundtrack is anything but the magnum opus of vidcon music; its lilting and oftentimes hauntingly peaceful guitar melodies soothe all but the most savage of breasts while its tense battle themes and mysterious donjon tunes ignite a blazing passion that can be quenched only by the vidcon's profound story and gameplay. It is a wonder that anyone can listen to anything besides vidcon musical compositions after listening to Mitsuda-san's immensely powerful soundtrack, but given that the primitive thuds of hip hop are America's current choice of 'music' (I use the term music liberally), one can see little hope in the mass appreciation of Mitsuda-san's work. ### oBarkley The boulder is blocking the entrance of a cave. It's too heavy to push out of the way. ### oBarkley It's a big boulder. I moved it using the power of leverage. ### oFollower0 Barkley, you can use the rock and pipe we found earlier to create leverage to push the rock out of the way. ### oBarkley Really? What luck that I picked up the correct objects to solve this conundrum. ### oBarkley I already pushed it out of the way. ### oBarkley I wish I could move the boulder blocking the cave, but it's too heavy. ### oFollower0 Rutherford told us the Palladium Orb Sceptre is in there. We need to go in there if we want to see Yelmirb. Perhaps with some tools we could move this out of the way. ### oBarkley Hmm, I'll try knocking on it three times. I heard this works with some boulders. ### oBarkley Nope. ### oBarkley I don't know how I am going to take it, I can't pick it up. ### oBarkley Hey, you there. Do you know any old men? ### oBarkley ???: Step away! Who sent you? I have a flask full of sugar water and I will not hesitate to use it! ### oBarkley Whoa, hold on! I don't got any gripes with you pal, I'm just here looking for an old man. I was told he could cure diabetes. ### oBarkley ???: Is that so? Then you're not of them... ### oBarkley Look, I don't know what's going on here. I'm not sure I want to know. All I want is for my son to be cured so I can be on my way. ### oBarkley ???: If only things were that simple. However, it appears with some cooperation we could mutually achieve our goals. The name is Rutherford. You would be? ### oBarkley Charles Barkley. So do you know who this old man is? Can he really help my son? ### oBarkley Rutherford: Indubitably. The man you seek is Yelmirb, but your primary concern is accessing his quarters. ### oBarkley What do you mean? ### oBarkley Rutherford: He is locked away in Liberty Tower. You may only enter with posession of the Palladium Orb Sceptre. ### oBarkley Yeah, I saw it was locked. Where's the sceptre at? ### oBarkley Rutherford: It lies in a cave, near the bottom of the island. A fool named Jenkins trapped himself inside a cave and is protecting the sceptre, thus you may encounter difficulties obtaining it. ### oBarkley Jenkins huh? I've dealt with worse. Thanks for the help, I'm heading out now. ### oBarkley Huh? What was that? ### oFollower0 It sounds like something moved. Let's go back an investigate. ### oBarkley Screwdrivers are pretty versitile. I'll grab it. ### oBarkley Why would I want to do that? ### oBarkley I don't know what to say. It's a pretty generic looking truck pump. ### oBarkley Pump: In the course of my career as a vidcon specialist (my own coinage, spend it wisely), I have never seen such blatant and frankly, sickening ignorance as that exhibited by the "people" (if, in fact, they are homo sapiens at all, as their intelligence implies elsewise) that claim that Zelda is not an RPG. There is nothing that Shigeru "Shiggy" Miyamoto could possibly do to make the vidcon any more of an RPG as it meets every single criterion for being one, particularly that it takes place in an imaginary realm with a fantastical beastiary, the damsel/villain ratio is at or above standards, and that the core emphasis of the gameplay is on bedazzling all foes with impeccable swords and sorcery. Furthermore, this line of thought can be extended to all vidcons in which the player controls a character (hence, roleplaying), though I cringe slightly at the thought of such mundane vidcons as Madden being RPGs, as they do not even include exotic weaponry such as the tonfa. ### oBarkley I'm not a gas jockey, so I think I'll pass on nabbing it. ### oBarkley Mack: Excellent observations and you are correct. So the Sugar Delmons knew their days were outnumbered, and as a last ditch effort to combat our aggressive war against them, they all convened at the Tower of Glucose. Otherwise known as the former Domino Sugar factory, its destruction during the cyberpocalypse lead to a great pillar of sugar being created. After their meeting, they decided to use ancient magicks to merge into one entity... Das Fructose Ungeheuer. ### oBarkley The what? Are you just making shit up now? ### oFollower0 The Diabeastie... I thought it was only a myth? ### oBarkley Mack: Take a look around you, my friend. The sugarfication of our holy land is just a small... Taste, if you will... Of its assault against Liberty Island. With the tower locked, Yelmirb will undoubtedly die soon and sugar will prevail. ### oBarkley Let's make one thing clear here, I'm not here to help you or any of your looney toon friends. I don't want to hear any more stories. My son is dying. Do you understand? Just tell me where the rod is. ### oBarkley Mack: You are naive Mr. Barkley, for this lore is the only guard us mortals have against Das Fructose Ungeheuer. However, I will not press further if you refuse to learn, instead I will comply with your request. The Immaculate Rod lies deep beneath this island. You can find an entrance to the nether regions through the well near the center of town. ### oBarkley Mack: I have some neo-shekels I want you to have. You will need them, if you hope to defeat the Diabeastie. ### oBarkley Received $750 Neo-Shekels! ### oFollower0 Thanks for all the help, Mack. ### oBarkley Mack: Wait! ### oBarkley Mack: I will not lie to you Barkley, great danger awaits you. Here, take this Sugar Counter with you. Do not expose yourself to the sugar, or you will perish. If you allow the particle count to exceed 4.5 granules per square inch... You're as good as dead. ### oBarkley Mack: Yelmirb bless you... ### oBarkley Mack: The well will lead you to the rod. Beware, as the sugar readings down there far exceed normal conditions. Do not allow the particle count to go above 4... You don't want to know what happens if you have that level of exposure. ### oBarkley There's nothing on him to take, and I'm not gonna steal anyway. ### oBarkley The Diabeastie! ### oBarkley Diabeastie?: ... ### oFollower2 It's holding the rod. We're going to have to slay this beast. ### oBarkley Diabeastie?: Then it's a good thing I am not the Diabeastie. ### oBarkley What? You can talk? ### oBarkley Diabeastie?: Perhaps you will recognize me without the disguise... ### oFollower0 Richards? You were the Diabeastie this whole time? ### oBarkley Reginald: Richards is such an old name... I prefer the title Reginald, to be frank. ### oBarkley Enough with the name games, chump. Hand over the rod. ### oBarkley Reginald: You don't understand do you? The evil you are commiting... ### oBarkley Reginald: Did you ever think for a second why they wanted to exile me? ### oBarkley I had enough of you fruit cakes and your gatdam tales already! Just hand over the rod! ### oFollower0 Barkley, we need to hear him out. It would be irresponsible to pass judgement otherwise. ### oBarkley He tried to kill us. Good enough reason for me. ### oBarkley Reginald: I did not know I could trust you... I also apologize for my actions, but I believed a greater good would be accomplished. You see, I did have a radical belief according to the plebeians inhabiting this island. I believed we should clone Yelmirb, so that we could rid diabetes once and for all. They let "morals" cloud their judgement and said it would be inhumane, creating someone to absorb the suffering of others. But who would have to know? Is it not better for one man to carry the burden than society as a whole? They call this killing Yelmirb, I call it rebirth. ### oFollower2 You can't make a decision like that. It's not yours to make. ### oBarkley Reginald: How dare you speak in such tone when you desire Yelmirb's service. Do you think he says some magick words, and mystically takes away the diabetes from your son? No. He absorbs it, so your son does not have to live a crippled life. Yelmirb understands his sacrifices to humanity. Subsequent clones would as well. ### oFollower0 You can't play Clispaeth. No one can. You're deranged. ### oBarkley Reginald: Very well. I see you are as ignorant as those who lived on this island... No matter! Fear my deadly magicks! ### oBum0 Where the strong bully the weak for what few neo-shekels they've got. ### oBum0 Ruffian 1: Hand over the Neo-Shekels! ### oBum0 Bum: But I need them to buy food..! ### oBum0 Crime is everywhere, weariness and despair behind every corner. ### oBum0 Ruffian 2: Gimme 'em! ### oBum0 Bum: OOF! ### oBum0 Ruffian 1: Ahahaha! C'mon bro, let's get some chups! ### oBum0 Bum: No! My neo-shekels! ### oBarkley Damn Bird thinks he's making a difference. Shit's never gonna be the same around here. ### oBarkley That tree ain't ever gonna be green again. ### oBarkley Kids going to the b-ball court ain't ever gonna happen. ### oBarkley And Chin's shop ain't ever gonna be like it used to either. ### oBarkley Shit's never gonna be like it was... ### oBarkley I'm starting to see things... I better get some medicine from Chin's shop then get back home and catch some Z's. ### oBarkley I'm starting to see things... I better get home and catch some Z's. ### oBarkley Is... is this what I think it is? ### oFollower0 Yes, a relic from old times to be sure. From what I have studied, I would assume the massive amounts of b-ball neutrinos created from the first Chaos Dunk lie dormant in the machine as a sort of power source. ### oBarkley What? ### oFollower0 It still works. ### oBarkley Alright, let's check this out. ### oBarkley A vending machine. What do you want to do? ### oBarkley About what? Clispaeth? I couldn't care less. This rotten city is hell enough to deal with. I don't got the time to worry about another one waiting for me down the road. I got a son to take care of. I look out for him. I don't got the time to give a damn about your God. ### oBarkley Wrinkled Woman: That's... that's blasphemy! Clispaeth is a loving God, I assure you, but I still think it unwise to tempt his wrath. ### oBarkley Then so be it. If Clispaeth exists, he's already taken enough from me. I'd like to see him try for any more. ### oBarkley Wrinkled Woman: You really should watch the way you speak to Father Bird, you know. He's a great man. This church would've been demolished by now if it weren't for him. Sure we don't have many patrons, but I'm sure even you wouldn't want to see our homeless out on the streets. Without Bird, this place would have surely been lost. ### oBarkley Wrinkled Woman: It's never too late to let Clispaeth's light into your heart. ### oBarkley Try it on the bums, lady. Your God's got nothing for me. ### oBarkley Ugh,* I'm.*.*.* I'm getting tired... ### oBarkley Z*z*z*z*zzz.... ### oBarkley Television: Oh... oh my god. Man-Manhattan has just been completely destroyed. 10 million people are expected to be dead, with estimates ranging up to 15 million. Dear god, this is the most awful thing I've ever seen in my entire life... I'm... I'm sorry folks but I just wasn't prepared for this... Details are extremely limited right now but the damage was believed to have been caused by a Chaos Dunk... Yes... Yes, it has just been confirmed that the destruction was caused by a Chaos Dunk, meaning that Charles Barkley IS the perpetrator, Barkley being the only human alive capable of performing a Chaos Dunk. It... it doesn't matter if you believe in Krishna, Mohammed, or Clispaeth, now is the time to pray, Neo New York... ### oBarkley ???: There he is! Get him! ### oJordan Charles Barkley, you are under arrest for performing a Chaos Dunk that killed 15 million people and associating with B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Give yourself up or we will be forced to terminate you. ### oBarkley Wh-what? What's going on? Jordan, why are you here? Where's Hoopz? What's happening? ### oJordan You are under arrest for performing a Chaos Dunk! Surrender yourself or face the consequences! ### oBarkley Wh-what? I didn't do a Chaos Dunk! Jordan, you know damn well I swore never to perform another Chaos Dunk 12 years ago! ### oJordan 12 years is a long enough time to change your mind. Men, arrest him! ### oBarkley I-I didn't do it Jordan! This is a mistake! I don't know anything about B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. ### oJordan You're a sick, sick little man, Barkley. I gave you time to get over Maureen and b-ball, but I guess that just wasn't enough. I mean... You've got a kid, Barkley. I thought you'd grown up... Execute this bastard. ### oBarkley You son of a bitch, Jordan! ### oBalthios Impressive, Hoopz. Your dribbling has gotten much better in the past few weeks. ### oBalthios That's Balthios, the octoroon great grandson of Lebron James. He doesn't like to talk about himself, but he's a good guy. ### oHoopz Right dad? I've gotten better, huh dad? ### oHoopz Dad? ### oBarkley Huh? Oh, uh. Yeah. Yeah, you've gotten a lot better, son. ### oHoopz What's the matter, dad? ### oBarkley Nothing, Hoopz. I was just... Just thinking. ### oHoopz Thinking about b-ball, huh? ### oBarkley Yeah, that's it... I was thinking about b-ball... Hoopz, why don't you go play some vidcons? I want to speak to Mr. James for a moment. ### oHoopz Sure dad. Thanks for the dribbling tips and wall scrolls, Mr. James. ### oBalthios No sweat, kid. Keep on practicing though. ### oHoopz Sure will! ### oBalthios You were thinking about her again, weren't you Charles? ### oBarkley Hmm? ### oBalthios Maureen. You were thinking about Maureen, weren't you? ### oBarkley He reminds me so much of her. The way he moves, his enthusiasm for the game, his eyes... ### oBalthios You still blame yourself for what happened. ### oBarkley Yeah, Balthios. Yeah I do. And it won't happen ever again. I... I just can't stand knowing that all of this... everything... could be different. ### oBalthios Barkley, you don't need to... ### oBarkley Yeah, Balthios... I know, but I swear on her grave that nobody will ever suffer a Chaos Dunk again... ### oBarkley Neo New York is a base and disgusting city... ### oBarkley Get out of my way. ### oBarkley Aethios Silverwind: I'll...* I'll be watching you... ### oBarkley Aethios Silverwind: What do you want? ### oBarkley Move. ### oBarkley Aethios Silverwind: Be glad I'm graced with vulture-like patience... ### oBarkley Aethios Silverwind: Leave me alone. ### oBarkley The ball in the center... That is- ### oHellbane Yes, Barkley, THE Ball. Rather, it is not the actual ball you were trapped in during the Space Jam, but it is a scale representation of it. I studied both this statue and this tomb extensively in my research and have found it to be quite fascinating. This is the crypt of Muggsy Bogues and Patrick Ewing. ### oBarkley They were both in the ball with me... They were close friends of mine before the purge. Sometimes I... I miss them. ### oHellbane ... The ball. It contained massive powers. Of course, you knew this. You were inside of it, you were its source of power. There's... Something I've always wanted to ask you Barkley. What was it like to be trapped inside a b-ball? ### oBarkley I... I don't remember much. It was dark and I remember feeling so weak... So weak... But then again, they were harvesting my b-ball energy. ### oHellbane There is no doubt in my mind that once the Monstars won the Space Jam, they would have used the ball for ill purposes, possibly even... ### oBarkley Enough! Let's move on. ### oHellbane Wait! What's this? ### oBarkley There's no reason to stand around and look at this statue. It'll only bring back... Painful memories... ### oFollower0 My god! This IS Vince Carter! Vince! Vince! Do you remember me? It's me, Balthios James, the octoroon great grandson of Lebron James! Vince, tell me if you remember me! ### oVince Processing: Balthios James... ... ... Found match! Yes Balthios, I remember you! On the day you were born, your grandfather slam dunked you and said that you would go on to be a great man. You were a child when I balled for the Nets. Nets... Nets... That is correct! I used to be a baller! I played for the New Jersey Nets! ### oBarkley A-amazing! He is regaining his memory! Vinceborg, do you remember me? I'm Charles Barkley. ### oVince Charles... Barkley... Entry found. One of the greatest slammers to have ever lived, although his jams were a little lacking. He was also one of my... Best friends. ### oBarkley Vince, it's really you! I can't believe it! I thought you were lost in the Purge! ### oVince Purge... the... Great B-ball Purge... Yes, I remember now, I died in the Purge but... Yes, I was rebuilt by someone. Someone... rebuilt me. ### oBarkley Who rebuilt you? Who brought you back to life, Vince? ### oVince I... do not... remember. ### oBarkley Vinceborg, you have to come with us until you remember. ### oVince Yes... I will come with you, Charles. I must remember... ### oBarkley Vinceborg has joined the party! ### oBarkley Attendant: Alright. Please come back if you'd like to register for the Festival Tournament. ### oBarkley Attendant: Alright. Please write your name here... ### oDGarnett Heh, well if it isn't Charles Barkley. Come to take away my title of arena champion like you did my game? ### oBarkley Kevin! Hey man, long time no see! I hear you're the arena champion or something now, huh? ### oDGarnett Heh, what's it to you, swine? ### oBarkley What? ### oDGarnett I've been waiting and training for this moment for so long, the day I would finally be able to kill Charles Barkley on the battlefield. Oh yes, I've waited for what felt like an eternity training my body to become the ultimate killing machine. I've sacrificed everything to become arena champion just for the chance of revenge. I will defeat you, Charles Barkley, and my quest for revenge will be over. I will have redeemed b-ball! ### oBarkley So you're kind of a dick now, huh? ### oDGarnett Mark my words, Barkley. I will rend you from limb to limb and drink your blood. A Chaos Dunk is too easy a punishment for you. ### oBarkley Man, he's really changed. ### oBarkley Attendant: That sound means it's time for you to enter the arena. Good luck, Mr. Barkley. ### oFollower3 Good luck, dad! I'll be rooting for you! ### oFollower0 As will I, Barkley. Do your best out there. ### oFollower2 Don't get yourself killed, Charles. ### oBarkley Thanks guys. I'll do my best out there. ### oBarkley Hurry up, you've been writing that for an hour. ### oBalthios Patience, Barkley, good art takes time. I might as well show you what I have, however. Here you are... ### oBalthios "Hark, I call upon thee Muse, To grant me thus the ability Of all Great bards, that is, to use Your gifts in poetry." ### oBalthios "O Muse! Grant me words as that I need To speak of such Beauty as she; I am in bondage, aching to be freed By the beauty I speak of - J. Lindsay." ### oBarkley Honestly, Balthios, that is probably worse than "left me feeling smashing." ### oBalthios I... haven't written in a while. I apologize. ### oBarkley Don't worry. If we can just fill it with that shit we learned she's into, she'll probably like it more than the other one. ### oBalthios I hope so. Anyway, after this I have a few fragments I need some help with. I have the beginnings of some lines, but you need to make suggestions for the ends. ### oVince Data analysis complete. ### oBarkley Huh? What are you on about Vince? ### oVince I have compiled the information gathered from J. Lindsay. Ready to assist in poem creation. ### oBarkley You actually listened to us talk about that shit? ### oVince Correct. ### oBalthios Vince, can you step away for a moment? ### oVince Affirmative. ### oBalthios Barkley, I don't mean to put Vince down or anything, but... ### oBarkley What now? ### oBalthios He's a robot Barkley. I don't think he knows anything about love. So take any of his suggestions with a grain of salt. ### oBarkley Whatever, let's get this over with already. ### oBalthios Alright Vince, any suggestions you have are appreciated. ### oBalthios Here's the first part: ### oFollower0 "I ask that she envelops my fragile heart, And with her Magick, mends its cracks; I ask that we grow old, never apart, And that she..." ### oFollower0 And that is where I am stuck. So tell me what you like here. ### oFollower0 "And that she..." ### oFollower0 "And that she..." ### oBarkley What do you think we should do with the F.I.N.A.L. G.U.N.? Should we take it back to those people who were looking for it in Proto Neo New York? ### oFollower2 I don't really care. ### oFollower3 Can we keep it dad? I've never seen a gun this powerful before. ### oBarkley We'll see Hoopz. I have to make up my mind. ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: Leonard, don't touch that! ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ### oBarkley Doctor Cosby: N-no! NO!!! What have I become!? What has the ball done to me?! What has the ball turned me into!? ### oFollower3 Leonard... he's a ghost. ### oBarkley What do you mean, Hoopz? He's a ghost? He looked perfectly real to me. ### oFollower3 I don't know dad, I just... know it. I just know he's a ghost. Something happened to him. Something really bad happened to him right here. I don't know what it was and I don't know how... but I just know it. ### oFollower2 It makes sense. If he died on the day they tested the prototype, then he might be reliving the last day of his life over and over again without even realizing it. I've read about this before. His soul has carried on to the Ghost Dimension but his ghost essence is still trapped here in the Spalding building... but this is incredibly advanced ghostology, Hoopz. How did you know this? ### oFollower3 I... don't know, Mr. Cyberdwarf. ### oFollower2 I see, but should we come across a trial that requires a keen understanding of ghosts, I shall ask if for your insight. Is this okay, Hoopz? ### oFollower3 Y-yes, I think so. ### oFollower0 There's more to the story we've yet to find out. Let's see where the blue card leads us. ### oBarkley Alright. ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf! Ivory! How did it go? ### oCyberdwarf Charles... Ivory is "the one". ### oIvory Cyberdwarf... promise me that you'll come back. ### oCyberdwarf I don't know where our journey will take us, Ivory, but know that wherever in the world we are, you will be in my heart. ### oIvory C...Cyberdwarf... ### oIvory Before you go... I want you to have this... So you can always remember our time together. ### oCyberdwarf Thank you... Thank you for everything Ivory. ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf! How did it go? ### oCyberdwarf We're leaving. ### oBarkley Are you okay, Cyberdwarf? ### oCyberdwarf Let's... let's just go. ### oFollower0 I think his heart has been broken... ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: Have you heard? The Festival Tournament is happening soon! The whole dimension is buzzing about it! ### oBarkley What's the Festival Tournament? ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: You've never heard of the Festival Tournament? The dimension's greatest warriors come together for a spectacular display of martial and magical ability. They say the winner gets a very precious one-of-a-kind prize. I'm so excited! ### oBarkley Sounds great. ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: It is, but I'm pretty sure it's going to go to the arena champion, Kevin Garnett. He's been arena champion for nearly 10 years and has never been defeated. Not even once! It's amazing! ### oBarkley Wait, did you say Kevin Garnett? ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: Yeah, played for the Timberwolves. That's the one. ### oBarkley I haven't seen him in years. I want to talk to him. ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: Well good luck with that. The only thing he cares about now is training for the Festival Tournament. He hardly speaks to anyone. ### oBarkley Oh well. Maybe next time then. ### oBarkley Meadowlark Lemon: Oh who should I root for? Kevin Garnett, the powerful and mysterious warrior, or some underdog? It's so exciting, I just don't know! ### oBarkley Damnit, another broken computer. ### oFollower3 Dad, wait. It's not broken, it's just that the XG receptors aren't connected to the tekscreen adapter. Here, let me set it up... There! Good as new, try it now, dad. ### oBarkley H-how'd you do that, Hoopz? ### oFollower3 Easy, dad! Just hookin' up vidcons! ### oBarkley I'm... I'm proud of you, son. Now let's see what it says. Hmmm... ### oFollower0 Progress Report : 01/08/2040 Davis' haste has blinded him to the very real dangers presented by manufacted slamicite. The negative b-ball energies emitted by the substance are enormous. Perhaps when we scientists have better studied manufacted slamicite can we put it to a more practical and safe use. Furthermore, I question the ethical use of this ball that, if used in its full potential, can change the entire balance of the game. - Cosby ### oFollower0 This ball... it could have changed everything. ### oFollower2 That's an understatement, Balthios. It is very clear through the progress reports we have been reading that this ball's power rivalled that of the Ultimate B-ball. This ball could have changed the world. ### oBarkley We won't find it just standing here. Come on. Let's go. ### oBarkley Is there anything else on this computer we can use, Hoopz? ### oFollower3 Sorry, dad. The data's been scrambled by a circuit fry. We'll need more megahurtz. ### oFollower2 We don't have time to decipher wingdings, let's go. ### oBarkley Wildman... You're as pale as a ghost now. ### oWildman I'm ashamed to say we used to jam together... ... I wouldn't be surprised if you forgot the meaning of that word. ### oBarkley Why you gotta say shit like that man? What changed since we last met that would make you think something like that? ### oWildman Get off your Clispaeth damned high horse Barkley. You killed the only thing that ever meant a damn to me. You cursed us all, Barkley. You cursed us all. ### oFollower0 Charles, there are more pressing issues to address right now. I suggest -- ### oBarkley No, Balthios. I gotta sort this out. Look, I know I messed up. I can't change that, but I'll be damned if anyone tries to stop me from making things better. ### oWildman You make me sick... In fact, you're the very reason I was infected with the negative B-Ball energies. Now, this place is a wasteland. ... B-Ball was always there for you when you needed it most. Where were you when B-Ball needed you most? ... Running like a coward, you pond scum. ### oBarkley You don't know what it's like. You'll never know what it's like. ### oWildman You're right, I won't. I'd never become the monster you are. ### oBarkley I... I don't know what to tell you. ### oWildman Hardly surprising... ... You never even had the guts to say you're sorry. ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Suit: Allard's gonna fucking kill us. ### oBarkley Suit: Hurry up and get in there. ### oBarkley When we get the final hardware, the performance is just going to skyrocket. Rufus sent me. ### oBarkley Suit: Okay, okay, not out loud. I don't want to have to learn another code. Go ahead. ### oBarkley Suit: What do you want? ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Choose: ### oBarkley Suit: I like your orange friend over there. The doctor could do some real good work on him. I'm guessing you're not here for surgery though. All the same, you're going to have to wait. Plenty of paying customers have been here for much longer than you have. Go have a seat. ### oFollower0 Trooper: You there, freeze! ### oFollower0 The B-Ball Removal Department! ### oBarkley Goddamn it... I knew it wasn't a bugbear. ### oFollower0 Trooper: That's him - Charles Barkley. Remember our orders. ### oBarkley Cyberdwarf, Balthios, stay back! I'll take care of these chumps... ### oFollower0 Trooper: Give it up Barkley! You got no where to run! ### oBarkley Heh... Who said I was gonna run? ### oBarkley That can't be all of them. Let's head 'em off in the next car. ### oBarkley Juwanna, there has to be something I can do. I can't let Hoopz... ### oJuwanna I... I can only think of one thing, Charles. ### oBarkley Tell me, Juwanna, tell me! I'll do anything! ### oJuwanna I... I don't want you to get your hopes up because it's a long shot. A real long shot. ### oBarkley Anything, Juwanna, anything. ### oJuwanna ...okay. South of town, there's an old man who lives by himself. I don't know much about him but I know he knows more about diabetes than any other person on the planet. I don't know if he will help you or not, Charles. He's a real recluse and doesn't like strangers, especially ones who want something from him. ### oBarkley Juwanna... thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'll save Hoopz if it means I have to sacrifice myself. ### oJuwanna Charles... ### oBarkley I have to go now but... thank you. ### oJuwanna Good luck, Charles... ### oJuwanna Charles, I believe in you. Don't ever forget that. ### oJuwanna So you accepted the hunter quest, Barkley? I thought you would. The Ghost Dad's been terrorizing Proto Neo New York for years now. We've been living in its wake and at its mercy for too long and it's time something is done about it. Problem is, we're just not cut out for fighting here, so that's why we hired y- ### oBarkley Shit, it sounds like he's back. ### oJuwanna That's your cue, Barkley. Oh and be careful out there... for me. ### oBarkley Juwanna, you know my heart belongs to Maureen even in death. ### oJuwanna I... I know. She was a lucky woman Charles... G-good luck out there! I know you can do it! ### oBarkley I'll do what I can, Juwanna... ### oJuwanna I... I just wanted to thank you one more time, Charles. ### oBarkley Yeah, it was nothing... I really need to get going now. ### oJuwanna O-okay... good luck. ### oBarkley Thanks... ### oJuwanna Have you checked the town hunt quest board yet, Barkley? ### oBarkley No, not yet. ### oJuwanna Who knows, you may find more lucrative hunts on it than just the Ghost Dad. ### oBarkley We'll see, Juwanna. We'll see. ### oBarkley This monster quest has already been completed! ### oBarkley Monster quest accepted! Report to Juwanna Mann for further details! ### oBarkley Monster quest cancelled! ### oBarkley Suit: Excellent decision. I'll take that and you can be on your way. ### oBarkley Suit takes 5000 neo-shekels. ### oBarkley I don't have enough... ### oBarkley Suit: Then you're not getting through. Come by when you're worth something. Dr. Allard makes no exceptions. ### oBarkley $5000? You must be out of your mind, punk. ### oBarkley Suit: That's the price. $5000 or you're not getting through. Dr. Allard's rules. ### oBarkley Suit: Hahahahaha! ... Oh. You're not joking? Let's get to it then. ### oBarkley Suit: Hahaha. Rufus is out patrolling some hallway somewhere. Allard busted him down some ranks when he couldn't do his job. A lot of pieces of shit like you try getting through here without paying. Rufus couldn't handle them. I can. ### oBarkley What's so interesting about that? ### oHellbane This man lived in the era of the Cyberpocalypse, Barkley. If what the hieroglyphics state is true, then the book of b-ball may need to be rewritten. The slam was not said to have been invented until nigh on into the Post-Cyberpocalypse. This G.W. Carver could very well be the originator of slams and jams. At the very least, this could confirm the existence of the slam in that era. ### oBarkley A-amazing... ### oHellbane There is one hieroglyphic I can't quite decipher though. It seems to be a legume of some sort. I can only make this statement based on conjecture, but I believe it to be an ancient symbol of power. ### oBarkley Perhaps the world will never know... ### oBarkley G.W. Carver... A name I'll have to remember... ### oBarkley Pump: I never thought I'd see such blatant trolling as I have in this forum. Step away from the computer, drop the ham sandwich and back the FRACK off, gaijin. I hate to use that word but you've made me that serious. As hard as it may be for you to fathom, some of us here are actual fans of the Final Fantasy series (pre FFX) and Square's work in general. You can try to bash me for an avatar that I bought because I happen to be a dedicated fan of perhaps the most poignant, painstakingly woven tapestry of love, loss and vengeance ever to be put from pen to paper, but you would fail, just like all of you flamers do in real life. Who can say that the minds at Square Enix (note: appropriate portmanteau is SQUENIX, not the laughable SQUEENIX) were not inspired by the works of William Shakespeare or Chuck Palahniuk? Cloud's bastard sword has more akin with the bastard sons of Macbeth than it does any armament or basilard of the time. The Honey Bee Club in Midgar reminds me more of the Fight Clubs than any brothel. So please, use your brains, not your sarcasm, and step up to the intellectual plate, or leave this forum and take your "haterade" with you.