Ok, so I have another story to tell. It does relate to the previous story about my ex, and there are some new facts.
I'm still talking to my ex, and we're recently gotten very close again. We've admitted that we made mistakes before, and that if we can be open with things and handle things better we could be really happy. We're both willing to try that, and we've recently been in talks about dating and then perhaps becoming a legitimate couple again. That's all well and good. However, there is quite a bit of adversity to this idea on my end. None of my four best friends (Their names are Ben, Michael, Andrew, and Alex) support this idea, and my parents are EXTREMELY reluctant to accept her again, as my mother sees her as the person who broke my heart and my father sees her as someone who is weak and irresponsible. The following is a brief overview of my friend's opinions:
Ben: Hates her. Thinks she is Satan spawn as well as a few other things I can't post here. He says if we get back together he just can't support it because of who she is and he thinks I deserve better.
Michael: Doesn't trust her. He says if it makes me happy, do it and he'll have my back, but he thinks I'll end up hurt again.
Andrew: Also doesn't trust her, but says if she makes me happy do it. He says she has a long way to go to prove that she's right for me because he thinks she's untrustworthy.
Alex: Despises her, but she hated him, too.
Now, it is really hard to have the most important people in my life opposed to this. That is obviously a huge hurdle, and if they ALL agree, perhaps they're right? Or perhaps they just don't see the intimate details of my relationship with her, and can't possibly understand.
Anyways, that's major conflict #1.
This is major conflict #2.
My ex was a virgin. She wanted to wait until marriage, and I respected and abided by that for our entire relationship. I was not a virgin when I met her. Upon speaking with her at length last night, she told me the following. She says that if we're going to try this again we just need to be open about it, and told me that she had things to tell me. Apparently, she is NO LONGER A VIRGIN. She slept with a coworker (who she casually dated, was not her boyfriend) a MERE SIX WEEKS AFTER OUR YEAR-LONG RELATIONSHIP ENDED. That to me is really messed up. Her justification was that she was so incredibly in love with me that she couldn't bear the thought of having slept with me and having us break up because it would have been so much worse for her than it was. That it was just too much of an emotional risk. She said that she's happy it worked out the way it was, because she was able to lose her virginity to someone she trusted, but didn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things. Essentially, she was in "control". Since then, she has slept with one other guy, but says that that is all over. A far cry from the woman I knew.
So, do I have any sort of justification in being upset about this? Is she crazy, or is there a legitimate justification for losing her virginity and sleeping with men in that way? Now we're talking of getting back together, and I know she'll want to go to bed with me soon. Can I do this? Is this a toxic situation for me?
Any and all comments would be incredibly well-received. I'm especially interested to get the girls' takes on this.
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"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing." - George Lucas
Ummm... What reason do you have to believe that things won't go sour like they did before? What's changed?
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If you're a human and not feeling creative, make this your signature.
Her justification was that she was so incredibly in love with me that she couldn't bear the thought of having slept with me and having us break up because it would have been so much worse for her than it was.
wat
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"I think life is much more simple now that my teenage days." --freepizza
My opinion... get her out of your life, don't date her, don't have sex with her.
Detailed response to come.
Only reason is that she says we'd work on things and that she wouldn't be so immature the second time.
I know. I was like "that makes no sense."
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"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing." - George Lucas
It's probably a bad idea. If you're friends right now, hey, that's an accomplishment right there.
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Ocarinakid
Quoting from http://arfer.net/pms/topics/57410167 (which you might want to reread):
#001 | Pooty Boy | Tue 7 Dec 2010 @ 10:31:33 PM (EST)
She CONSTANTLY needed to be reassured that I wanted to be with her, and held me to an immense double-standard. For example, she could talk to however many men she wanted (platonic, of course), yet she didn't trust me enough… to ever allow me to have platonic female friends.
#002 | Pooty Boy | Tue 7 Dec 2010 @ 10:31:44 PM (EST)
I saw a girl who was extremely judgmental and rude. I saw a girl who had no self-confidence and obviously has very little self-worth. I saw a girl who expects the world - me, especially - to hand her everything and never ask questions. To allow her to walk all over me and take advantage of me.
Chances are that whatever side of her caused you to say these things is alive and well, although she might hide it at times. Can't you do better than this character? It's raining women.
With respect to issue #2, your ex didn't break any of the implicit rules of sexual fidelity, so what are you complaining about? The fact that she's had casual sex? But Brandon, you call yourself "Pooty Boy"! You've had plenty of casual sex. Double standards are indefensible. (Well, unless they're
reverse double standards, wherein you hold other people to a weaker standard of behavior than you hold yourself.)
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Everything I know about Buddhism I learned from
Journey to the West.
Yeah, issue #2 is a non-issue to be quite honest. No one should judge her for her actions there. She does what she wants or thinks is best- you can't presume to know her soul. If she wanted to have sex with someone six weeks later (which isn't that unreasonable, people often have sex a lot quicker after a relationship in which they don't, to my knowledge and experience), then let it be.
That being said, let the relationship end for once and for all. Your friends and family are right- in fact, *you* are right, when you spoke to us a month ago like in the example Kodi dug up. She's not a bad person. Nor are you. But you two are not meant to be.
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Based on the information you've given us I can't see things going any better the second time around. This doesn't sound like a good idea.
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If you're a human and not feeling creative, make this your signature.
Kodi, you're right, I have had casual sex. I mean, hey, I lost my own virginity to a friend of mine's girlfriend's little sister. Doesn't get much more ****** up than that!
I think I just held my ex in such high regard that I didn't want it to be this way.
THAT BEING SAID... the desire to finally sleep with her is clawing at me. I mean... her body is... wow. She is comparatively far more attractive than I am. I feel like I'd be an idiot not to do this. And yes, maybe I am trying to get laid I'm not entirely sure.
You can holla at my Facebook profile pics if you wanna see her. She's the blonde. It's just hard to say no to a 5'9" blonde that's 136 pounds and a 34DD...
Sorry if any of that is TMI. But you guys are my cyber family so why not?
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"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing." - George Lucas
Then just be f***-buddies. Be honest with her! If in fact she isn't cool with sex alone—if she wants, y'know, a relationship—then asymmetric expectations would be yet another good reason not to get together again.
It seems a bit silly to me that people value sexual attraction so highly in a love relationship when in fact it's how well the two get along that determines happiness and stability in the long run.[citation needed] So the question you should ask yourself here is not "How much do I want to have sex with her?" or "How much do I love her?" but "How much do I like her?". Or, more concretely, "Can I stomach the thought of living in the same house as this character for forty years?".
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Everything I know about Buddhism I learned from Journey to the West.
I mean, hey, I lost my own virginity to a friend of mine's girlfriend's little sister. Doesn't get much more ****** up than that!
At first I read that as "a friend of mine's little sister" and I went into "HOLY F***" mode.
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Seth: What are you making?
Evan: I'm just drilling holes. Last two weeks, **** it.
Kodi said some of what I was going to say, which was to suggest that you re-read the topic where you told us about her.
Here are my arguments:
-you're wondering whether to take your best friends' advice because they don't know everything about her; they might be missing some intimate details or simply misjudging her. Multiply that effect because we PMSians (mostly) don't know what you're like in person, and definitely don't know what she's like. Because of this, you could turn up your nose at the best advice in the world. That's the nature of asking people for advice, always... you can't possibly give them all the information and so you justify any advice you don't like as 'well they don't know about X'.
-because of this lack of information on our parts, most likely any specific point we make, you can make a counter-point. So if you go down our list of advice and mentally counter everything, you're going to walk away thinking, well, the pros outweigh the cons, or there's really no reason not to try this.
-now, bearing all this in mind, consider the big picture instead of the details; consider how well we evaluate what we know instead of how well we know her... and think about who she is and how long it's been since she was who you broke up with
All that said, I will come to her defense about sex. Most people I know go out and have sex after a bad breakup. It can really wrench hearts but it just happens; that alone doesn't make her that bad.
C'mon Kodi, what about that psychology love triangle theory? (looked it up - 'Sternberg's Triangle') For a lot of people sexual attraction is an important factor in a relationship. Of course, by the same theory, you're right; people need to be committed and like each other, too. And for a lot of people just having those two can be as good as the whole triangle.
Anyway... yeah, starting a relationship with a troublesome ex just because you want to rock the Casbah is usually not a great idea. If you're that attracted to her float the idea of just doing the Dew. Even if she's appalled, I'm betting it'll work out better than if you get back together with her.
Pop culture sex metaphor.
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Ocarinakid
From: FoxMetaI | #012
Her justification was that she was so incredibly in love with me that she couldn't bear the thought of having slept with me and having us break up because it would have been so much worse for her than it was.
wat
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c98/Mithril2/Reaction/twaddle.jpg
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http://lostfacts.net/boards3/>- Gavi
i'm with mith; hit it and quit it
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"I think life is much more simple now that my teenage days." --freepizza
Well, I'm spending the night with her Saturday night.
She wants me to come out and visit her at school (Remember, I'm almost 2 years older than she is so she's still in college), which I obliged to do. We're gonna do dinner and a few drinks, and she said it would "just make the most sense for you to stay here with me."
So... I may have some stories Sunday morning.
Hit it and quit it may be the end result here. We'll see.
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"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing." - George Lucas
THAT BEING SAID... the desire to finally sleep with her is clawing at me. I mean... her body is... wow
Aaaaaand here's the actual reason you're considering going out with her again. Congratulations.
First off, that's disgusting and I'm a little disappointed that you would consider going out with a woman again who you CLEARLY had a very, very rocky relationship with just because she's apparently more open to sex and "her body is...wow."
Second, if you think a relationship with her will be better than before because you will have sex with her, let me tell you something amazing: I've been in a relationship with one guy for five years and we've never had sex. Ever. Don't need it. It doesn't matter. We'll get to that when we want to and not because it's expected of us.
Your relationship with her probably won't work out, just by what you've told us. It sounds like you don't like her too much, but the idea of having sex with her makes you willing to try. DON'T DO THIS. IT WON'T WORK. And, yes, I agree with kodi. Don't date her. Be ****-buddies. Though, she sounds like she wants to date you, so you may want to be clear with her. Also, don't "hit it and quit it" unless you tell her beforehand you don't want to date her. That's just really heartless.
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Holy **** we're in the Matrix? - Willis
Ignore my poor grammar-ing. I was hungry and distracted. ;_;
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Holy **** we're in the Matrix? - Willis
Topic just got owned.
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Why would you jump back into a situation you once deemed toxic?
It would be one thing if you guys drifted apart because you moved far away, or one of you started working 70 hour weeks and it was easier to break up or something. There was made an active decision to stop dating. Why would you go back on that? What is the appeal?
Here's my advice:
(1) Find someone else.
(2) Have sex with her.
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Set signature in options page.
But not necessarily in that order.
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Everything I know about Buddhism I learned from Journey to the West.
Well, that order's optimal.
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Set signature in options page.
Oh, I see. I was confused about the antecedent of "her".
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Everything I know about Buddhism I learned from Journey to the West.