Meet girl. See each other often in group setting. She's cute. Seems nice. She asks me out for coffee. We go. It's fun. We start hanging out alone. She calls a bunch. We text a lot. We bake pillow cookies at my house. Says we should have dinner one night. Tells me to come over Friday afternoon when I already had plans. Afterwards, when I was done, said she was already heading out. Has to cancel for Saturday since she's swamped with work. Says we should go Wednesday night instead, in a text, but stops communicating. Reschedules again since she's barely gotten any sleep this week. Starts ignoring me, like she completely forgot about me.
So confused.
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Seth: What are you making?
Evan: I'm just drilling holes. Last two weeks, **** it.
Women. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.
Sorry to hear that, bud. This kind of thing happens, and we don't always know why.
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"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing." - George Lucas
I don't know, dude. I don't get women who play games. Sounds like she might be being passive aggressive? Maybe she was hurt you wouldn't ditch your life for her and is trying to get back at you by saying she's busy all the time. Also, it seems like from what you've said that she's been the instigator for a lot of things? Maybe she wants you to make some big gesture that shows you're just as interested in her. Call her up and insist you go out the next night you're both free. Whatever answer you get, at least you'll have an answer and the situation will have some conclusion (or, hopefully, a continuation of the relationship).
If it gets your mind off of it, feel free to explain to me why "hopefully" should or shouldn't be a sentence adverb. I mean, really, I didn't even realize that was an issue until I took a linguistics class last semester.
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Also, just in case this is a thought, don't EVER use a Trojan Fire & Ice condom.
It felt like I was putting my wang in a volcano.
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"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing." - George Lucas
...
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Seth: What are you making?
Evan: I'm just drilling holes. Last two weeks, **** it.
THAT BEING SAID, I do agree with Peach. Make a grand gesture to show your interest. She may want that, as women generally like everything done for them - KIDDING! But seriously, women like a strong, confidant man.
If she doesn't respond to that you kick her upside the head for treating you like this.
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"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing." - George Lucas
She may just be one of those people who when overworked gets unreliable, in the sense of not replying to email or phone calls or not showing up to appointments. I had a research mentor like that. It's not cool, not least because this kind of neglect tends to create yet more work for the neglecter themself and for others.
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"Now I will have less distraction." —Euler, upon going blind in one eye
Don't know if some sort of "grand gesture" is appropriate. I feel like that's bound to freak her out. Girls want someone confident and sweet, yes, but not obsessive and dependent. I think I've done a good job in not coming on too strong but still maintaining expressing interest. I feel like she's done the opposite, like gone from one extreme to the other.
Basically I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities:
1. She's genuinely busy and stressed (actually, I'm almost positive that's true) and is putting it out of her mind.
2. She's having second thoughts and doesn't want to encourage me by communicating. I know as well as anyone that when a guy likes a girl, he finds some way to turn every nice gesture she expresses into a sign that the feeling is mutual. This one doesn't really make sense, because there's no real reason she would do a complete 180 like that.
3. She can tell that I'm interested. This makes sense at first, because that's the only thing that's changed about my behavior. But it's been completely subtle, nothing that would scare her away. Maybe she feels like she can ignore me since nothing is at stake. Or she's "playing the game" to make me want her more. (It's working, right?)
4. She wants to make sure I actually care, and wouldn't just get up and leave in a few weeks, so she wants to gauge if she can stop communicating for a week and see if I'm still interested. Possible, but dumb.
5. She was never interested in the first place. Makes absolutely zero sense then why she would ask me out for coffee, and act the way she (originally) did, and still propose that we get together.
I think I may be overthinking this. It's just confusing.
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Seth: What are you making?
Evan: I'm just drilling holes. Last two weeks, **** it.
Don't over-analyze. Nut up or shut up.
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"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing." - George Lucas
Asking a girl out doesn't make her think you're obsessive and dependent. It makes her think you like her, which is only good if you want to have a mature relationship with her. She either likes you or she doesn't. You can't trick her into dating/liking you by walking some thin line where you act interested, but not too interested or she'll run away. If she's confused about whether she wants to date you, then she's not ready to date you yet so you should just let her figure out her emotions first.
That said, this is coming from my optimistic "everybody has good intentions" perspective. If she likes playing games, than I can't help you because I don't understand her, ha. All I can say is that, in general, if you really like a girl and want a mature relationship with her, you should take your time but make it clear you're interested. If you're thinking, "hey, she's pretty, she seems interested in me, so what the hell, maybe I'll get some if I stick it out," and she feels the same, then by all means continue playing the "I like you, but I'm never going to let you know how much" game with her. But if you're looking at her as someone with the potential to be around long-term, acting like you don't care if you ever see her again, if she is mature and sane, is not going to win you any points.
Anyway, when I get busy and stressed, I can distance myself from other people, so that sounds like it could be just the case. If you know when things are going to settle down for her again, just wait until then and send her a sweet text message or something. "Hope you survived your week!" and then find a way to relate it to something you two have done together/an inside joke to remind her of the two of you.
Anyway, good luck!
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See, that's the weird thing. We already have something planned, for when I get back from San Francisco/D.C. this Sunday. And it was at her suggestion. It's just the change in behavior that's unnerving, that and the fact that I'm letting it get to me. But she suggested something (which she keep rescheduling), we'll do it, it'll be fun, but I have the feeling it'll be over after that. I just hate how we were starting to get to know each other, and she's basically telling me I'm not worth getting to know at a certain point.
And it's not like I'm not expressing any interest at all, just not going overboard with it. Paradoxically it seems that can make some people feel weirded out; hell, I was kind of weirded out in the first place when she asked me out. So since she stopped calling I've been texting her usually like once a day, either about some inside joke/funny story she can relate to, or something topical about school, what-have-you. So I'm clearly not ignoring her, but she'll either not respond at all (like really, who does this?), or say something curt and make it clear she's not in the mood to talk. I feel like trying to drop even more hints on top of that would just turn her away.
I really appreciate all of your guys help. Thanks.
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Seth: What are you making?
Evan: I'm just drilling holes. Last two weeks, **** it.
Hm yeah, that's a toughie... BUM has no advice for you, other than this: perhaps, if you felt you were becoming close and she suddenly began to create a distance, ask her about that. Not in an accusatory fashion "We were becoming close and you are pulling away, why?!?" but more like "I was just wondering what's been going on in your life. We've both been pretty busy and I feel like I haven't had one of those good long talks with you in a while" Slap on a few smiley faces and call it a day.
Also, *throws Pokeball at Kate* this one is elusive! Gotta catch 'em all!!
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So here's what happened.
She finally called me Saturday night to talk, the first of any kind of contact since I made this topic. She realized something early on in the week but didn't want to tell me since she knew I had a round of interviews coming up and wanted to let me focus on those. And even though the fact that she basically threw me under the bus really hurt, she was just waiting to be able to tell me face-to-face and in the best way possible. And it's one of those things where the more you let something slide, the easier it is to get complacent.
Long story short, she's way in over head with school (she recently added on a CS minor in her last year of college) to the point where she has no idea how she's going to handle it all, and pretty much once she realized that something could come out of this, she basically shut down because it would be way too much at once. She felt so bad about the whole thing and kept apologizing, and I could tell she didn't mean to do anything wrong and there was no malicious intent. I was only hurt because I thought I'd never see someone again who I was just getting to know, so I'm happy that's not the case, no matter the outcome.
Given all of that, she said something like casual dating might work, but I think the best thing to do is to give her some space, at least for now. So I think we're just going to be friends, which I think is what's best. Bottom line is I'm no longer hurt because she never intended to do that, or confused because she told me she genuinely likes me, and wanted it to work. And the fact that she knew that it wouldn't because she couldn't put forth the time that she knew something like that between us would deserve, means so much to me that she realized it when she did.
Two things I've learned: it's stupid to "play the game." When someone wants to get to know you, they want to know you for who you are, and they want to be treated as who they are, too. People are people, not pawns. Why waste whatever time you may have treating them as anything but? And secondly, everyone's just trying to get through life just as you are, and it's foolish to just assume someone's out to get you. It's so hard to know the details of what's going on, and jumping to conclusions will lead you nowhere. The only way forward is through honesty and trust, and it's a two-way street.
There's a big difference in feeling that someone's telling you that you no longer matter to them, which I thought to be the case at first, and saying that you matter in a way that you deserve what's best, which was reality. So no awkwardness, and we'll still see each other, and the only thing that really matters now about the situation is that she's still there. And that's all I really wanted anyway, and I'll just let life happen as it should.
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Seth: What are you making?
Evan: I'm just drilling holes. Last two weeks, **** it.
Yay happy endings! Err, wait a second...
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Well, there is a new accent of n00b language. It's called: Vet LUEser goes Foreign!-MegaSpy22
Those must be the pants of the gods!-Digitalpython
I like the moral of this story.
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Me, too. (she said from the inside of a pokeball)
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