I turned this into this. And some other news on why I've been gone.

More specifically, I turned this:
https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/224494_10101493536911958_1050201568_n.jpg

into this:
https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/229897_10101493621208028_582951062_n.jpg

I was pretty proud.

And the other news:
My grandfather in the Philippines was taken to the ER on the 14th because he was throwing up blood. Turns out it was caused by a "triple ulcer"- two in his stomach and one in his throat. The ulcers have since been patched up or whatever they do to ulcers but in the process he contracted pneumonia. He's recovering right now and they expect him to be returning home "by the end of this week." I hope they're right.

I have literally nowhere else to talk about this without fear of my family seeing it, but some truly awful thoughts went through my head when my dad left that weekend to be with his dad and siblings. I gave my dad $1500 to help cover his expenses for travel and costs for my grandparents while he was there. Last Friday he called me and said that my grandfather's medical bills are starting to pile up and asked me to please send funds to cover the costs. After a lot of internal stress of finding a place that would actually do it, I succeeded in sending over another $3000, which has helped a lot, but apparently still isn't really enough.

I don't know. My stomach dropped when my dad asked me for that money. But of course, I was going to give it to them. My grandparents have taught me that generosity, among family, friends, and even strangers, is probably the most important value you can have, because generosity is always paid back. I truly and firmly believe that. But there is this constant nagging in the back of my mind about how that was pretty much all of the money I've made and saved since I was in college and have been out of college for two full years now. I'm nearly back to the level of savings I was at before I started college and I already felt like I was financially insecure as it was.

I guess the best way to summarize how I felt is that "I felt bad that I felt bad." There was no way in hell I wasn't going to give money to support my grandfather in his time of need, especially considering how unbelievably kind and generous he has been to me the entire time I have been alive, but at the same time, I also can't help but feel I've taken this gigantic step backward that I know is going to be hard to recover from.

I just needed somewhere to put this out there, I guess. I've been feeling financially insecure for the last couple of months, saving what I can here and there, putting away money when I could, and trying to pay down my student loan debt and keep my credit card balance down to zero and everything like that. But then this comes along and it feels like it's shaken me even more than ever before. On the one hand I feel terrible that thoughts of my own financial stability even came to mind when it was literally a matter of life or death for my grandfather, but I guess when it's been on my mind this much, I should have expected it. It sort of makes wrestling with myself over whether or not I could afford this or that for $20-40 look really silly when sending almost $5000 over to the PI still isn't enough to support my own family when they need it the most.

So yeah, that's why I've been quiet recently. I'd appreciate any and all thoughts on this because I really can't talk about it anywhere else without my family seeing it, and it's been eating at me for the last couple of days.
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http://img193.imageshack.us/img193/829/07kyloforce.png - Thanks Diyosa!

Have you considered trying to raise money through a benefit? I've known several people who've basically held a small fundraising dinner to help pay for a family's medical bills. Not sure that would work in this situation, just something I thought of that you could try.

Honestly, not really sure what else to say. It really is a difficult situation. I'd say feeling bad, and feeling bad about feeling bad are pretty natural reactions to the situation you're in. But at the end of the day, you did what you felt you could. So I'd try not to worry about feeling bad about it.
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Fame is but a slow decay.
-Theodore Tilton

Oh man. That stinks so much, dude. [huggles]

You might find the following interesting or useful. Bernard Apfelbaum is a psychoanalyst, of sorts, but he's a great writer, and I think some of his ideas are worth attention.

http://bapfelbaumphd.com/Entitlement_to_Feelings.html

The point is, I guess, don't forget that the complex and prickly tangle of feelings and meta-feelings you're experiencing right now is normal, perhaps even inevitable.

And, moving from ego analysis to my own thinking about these sorts of issues, I think it's worth keeping in mind that, when it comes down to it, there's usually nothing you can do about your feelings. All you can really control are your limbs. What you must do is move those limbs in whatever you reason to be the right direction, however awful it feels. If paying for your grandfather's medical care is the reasonable thing to do, so be it—even if you feel bad about it, or feel bad about feeling bad about it, that doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. You can now turn your attention back to securing your own financial stability. Which is really just a matter of getting and keeping a job that pays reasonably well (at least $20k a year, I'd guess) and then putting all extra money into debts instead of shiny new stuff. Knowing you, I have a hard time imagining that you'd get yourself into financial trouble. Worse comes to worse, you have a large network of friends and relatives that you can call upon in your hour of need just as your family called upon you, right?

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They say I'm just scared. Yes, I am scared. But that doesn't mean I'm wrong.

Ouch. 4500 is a lot. I'd probably be devastated myself. It is a huge setback, especially if you were planning on using it for something, but even if you weren't, it sucks. I know what you mean, though. With a stable career you'd be more than eager, but as is, it feels like a sudden deathblow to years of work.

It's completely normal to mourn your financial security. I wouldn't worry about that part. As long as you have enough of a grip on yourself to pull yourself back up and keep moving. Money can be replaced, and it isn't you. Its loss is only a temporary thing. Eventually you can let it go, but there's no shame if it takes a little time to do that.
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SIGNATURE

That's rough, but I wouldn't worry about feeling bad. After college, my ex transitioned from receiving rent and tuition from her parents to sending home whatever she could to help out with her dad's medical bills. It was rough, considering she was already living on an Americorps stipend in New York City, and paying her own medical bills. Fortunately she was able to lock down a steady job with higher pay, but it's still challenging when you don't have much saved up and you're giving literally everything you have.

I guess my point is she complained about being broke a lot. It sucks. Money is nothing compared to the well being a loved one, sure, and I'm sure you and her would both do it again in a heartbeat, but it's definitely stressful, what with the way we value money. I hope everything works out.
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Ocarinakid

I have such mixed feelings on this. I think what I might have done was to give money, but just, less or something and tell them to show some initiative to scrape up more money rather than taking the easy way out and mining it all from me.

Thanks everyone for the support and opinions. I really appreciate it.

Last I've been updated, my grandfather was slated to go home "at the end of this week." It's approaching Sunday in the Philippines already so I don't know if they have already or not, but I'm still under the assumption that no news is good news. My dad's been calling me every other day or so to keep me updated.

From: HeyDude | #006

I have such mixed feelings on this. I think what I might have done was to give money, but just, less or something and tell them to show some initiative to scrape up more money rather than taking the easy way out and mining it all from me.

I guess I should have been a bit more clear about this too; I'm definitely not the only person who they asked money from or got money from. My dad and his siblings (there are four of them total) all made contributions, my mom and her dad (my other grandfather) helped out, and my grandfather's business partner and one of his closest friends also contributed very generously to helping fund my grandfather's hospital stay. For better or for worse, my contribution was only a small piece into what was put together to defray hospital costs and also costs of living for my grandmother and their projects over in the Philippines (including providing support for the locals over there in their barrio.
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http://img193.imageshack.us/img193/829/07kyloforce.png - Thanks Diyosa!

Ah. That's a lot less bad than I imagined.

Good on you.

Man Kylo, sorry to hear about all of this, You were definitely in between a rock and a hard place there. Though it's by far the tougher decision, I think you did make the better decision (I'm the kind of person that values emotional things over monetary things...I'm such a terrible business major huh?).

I agree that no news is certainly good news. That's how it is in my book at least haha. Also, it does make the situation a bit more understandable knowing the rest of your family was contributing what they could to help.

Hope everything works out for your family. You're all in my thoughts and prayers.

Also, that stir fry looks delicious. The wok is a fantastic touch, the only correct way to make a stir fry. What kind of seasoning did you use?
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Well, there is a new accent of n00b language. It's called: Vet LUEser goes Foreign!-MegaSpy22
Those must be the pants of the gods!-Digitalpython

Dad called again late yesterday and let me know that my grandfather has been discharged from the hospital and is at home now. I don't know what the final medical costs ended up being. I don't plan on asking until my dad's been back from the PI for awhile. My dad said that my grandfather has been coherent at home and has been resting, which is good, since apparently there were times during the hospitalization that he wasn't very coherent or making sense when talking.

From: LinkPrime1 | #009

Also, that stir fry looks delicious. The wok is a fantastic touch, the only correct way to make a stir fry. What kind of seasoning did you use?

For prep, I chopped up all of the vegetables and cut the beef into cubes. Heat up vegetable oil in the 'heavy' wok (thick wok, I guess?) until it's fairly hot- hot enough that when you add the meat (the next step), it sizzles immediately. While the beef begins cooking in the wok, I added a few pinches of sea salt and pepper to the meat, tossing it around in the wok to mix in between adding each spice. I then added about two tablespoons of soy sauce, two tablespoons of sesame oil, and one and a half tablespoons of chili garlic paste (http://i.imgur.com/vY1H6.jpg). This stuff is pretty spicy- I easily have the highest spiciness tolerance out of anyone in my immediate family and if I had been cooking for anyone other than myself, I probably would have only added half a tablespoon or none at all.

After the meat is browned (not necessarily cooked all the way through, though), set it aside with all of the juices/sauce produced by cooking. There should still be residual oil in the wok- let it reheat briefly and then add the onions, bell peppers, zucchini, and mushrooms, tossing around and letting each vegetable cook a little bit before adding the next one. Order matters here- in my experience, onions typically take the longest to cook and mushrooms the shortest. The goal isn't to let each vegetable cook all the way before adding the next one; rather, you're just giving the ones you add first a little "head start."

At each stage of cooking the vegetables, spoon two or three tablespoons of the sauce from the beef into the wok. This will help cook the vegetables by slightly increasing your amount of cooking liquid and also notch up their spiciness if that's the route you decide to go. After all of the vegetables are on their way cooking, add back all of the beef and the rest of the sauce back to the wok and mix the beef back in with the vegetables. After it's all well mixed and the beef is reheated (it shouldn't have gotten too cold anyway), put it into a serving bowl and eat it. I recommend eating it with rice, but it's surprisingly hearty on its own, too. Reheats well for next day leftovers and is guaranteed to smell good and make the coworkers jealous.
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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v129/ukealii50/kylo.jpg - Thanks uke!
http://img193.imageshack.us/img193/829/07kyloforce.png - Thanks Diyosa!

Great to hear your grandfather is well. Always good news.

That stir fry sounds fantastic. If I can dig up a wok at one of my friend's places, I'm certainly gonna try and cook it up.
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Well, there is a new accent of n00b language. It's called: Vet LUEser goes Foreign!-MegaSpy22
Those must be the pants of the gods!-Digitalpython