Confused by all the different ticket classes for commercial air travel? Here's a quick guide to how each class differs from the next most expensive one.
- First Class: Free booze.
- Main Cabin Extra: No free booze. Also, smaller seats.
- Main Cabin: Somewhat less space between your seat and the seat in front of you.
- Economy: Non-refundable.
- Basic Economy: No carry-ons.
- Bare-Bones Economy: Standing room only.
- Sponsored Economy: The screen in front of your seat will play ads continuously and can't be turned off. Sleeping is not permitted. Please note you may be assessed a fee for excessive eye-closing or head-turning. Not available for blind passengers at this time.
- Gotta Go!: No bathroom access.
- Ultra-Tight Budget: No personal items (including clothing (including any you might be wearing)). Passengers weighing over 150 lbs. at the gate will be required to lose all excess before boarding. A rusty saw will be provided.
- Wretched: You are required to wear a large sign saying "SHAME (I AM POOR)" for the duration of the flight, then, at the destination airport, kiss the shoes of a TSA officer.
- DIY: Not a ticket to ride on the plane per se, but permission to tie a glider (passenger-provided) to a wing of the aircraft.
- Price of Flesh: You or your spouse (our choice) is required to have sex with our eightysomething CEO. Please note that uggos are not eligible for this fare class.
- Ticket to the Land of Imagination: If somebody calls us to ask if you were on this flight, we'll say yes. That's it.