I'm reading, at the recommendation of my pastor, this book by a somewhat-radical Christian megachurch pastor (Mark Driscoll) about marriage. And damnit, I just hate reading it. It's full of good (IMO) insights and advice, and yet every time Jess wants to read a bit, I dread it.
I think part of it is that it would be nice if bed (both the location and the time) was a refuge. You know, for relaxing (and sexy times) instead of for one more "project", namely the self and the marriage. There are other incidental reasons (our reading lights are bright in a dark room which makes me want to close my eyes, and I don't absorb material well when other people are reading it aloud, so the experience kinda puts me to sleep) that I don't like reading the book, but I think maybe that's the main one.
Well, so what's the dread you're feeling?
- Because the advice isn't suitable for Jess for whatever reason? What's that reason? In my (admittedly limited) experience, if advice is directed at one partner with the understanding that you can't tell the other partner because they can't handle it, it's probably not great advice.
- Because you don't want to start a conversation about improving your marriage right before bed? That's totally legit. Completely legit. Nobody likes doing stressful things before going to bed, and place/space is very important to feeling comfortable enough to sleep/nail your wife/husband. Find a mutually agreeable time to discuss the book, say on Mondays. Nothing else important is happening on Mondays.
- Because you don't want to read the book at all? Does the particular book not speak to you? Is Like it's talking down to you?
Sorry if this is presumptuous, but it kind of sounds like the book is failing to address whatever issues you're feeling in the relationship. Which makes sense--the book covers a variety of subjects in brief because of its nature as a book. Have you considered just straight-up marriage counseling, which will address your exact, immediate concerns, in a personal and direct way? It's p great, and mostly just a neutral third party keeping perspective.
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Willis, it seems like every other time you post, I need to look up a word that's in the OED or Urban Dictionary but not both.
-Mimir
(In the interest of full disclosure, your characterization of the author as a "Somewhat-radical" "megachurch pastor" twigged my bull**** detector, as I'm sure you meant it to. Which is why I'd say you might as well check out a non-ecclesiastical, but APA-accredited, counselor. Also counseling is nor for crazy people but for people-people etc)
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Willis, it seems like every other time you post, I need to look up a word that's in the OED or Urban Dictionary but not both.
-Mimir
Oh, hmm, I guess I could have clarified on this point. We're not experiencing any marital unhappiness per se. There's one issue, that neither of us is happy about, but it's not either of our faults and though it makes us both upset sometimes it's not something we fight about because again, neither my fault nor hers.
We're just reading the book to hear what it says and to grow in our marriage if it says anything challenging. But we're happily married as is.
One thing it talks about is the damage that a man (or woman) can do to a marriage by engaging with porn. I totally agree on it on this point and I haven't looked at porn (see: http://www.ekklesiadetroit.com/porn-puke/) in a long time, but there's the guilt of reading it condemned in print. And although I haven't looked at any lately I still lust after other chicks sometimes. So condemnation (the degree of this is fair; the book's not saying that I'm going to go to Hell or that I'm a worthless human being or anything) is a part of this, and then yeah I think the other part is like, do we have to do this before bed?
Oh. Yeah. Do you have to do it before bed? Can you come up with any other non-bed time? Like Saturday afternoons? Or Thursday evenings?
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Willis, it seems like every other time you post, I need to look up a word that's in the OED or Urban Dictionary but not both.
-Mimir