Kodi Arfer / Wisterwood

Make It Sound Worse

Topic List
#001 | Jacehan |
I love that thing Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics does sometimes, where he takes something that we enjoy and describes it in technically accurate terms that makes it sound less appealing. I thought that could be a fun thing to do, on a lesser scale.

For example, I was thinking about Arnold Palmers, aka half iced tea and half lemonade. But, like, we already have lemon ice tea. So really it's just watered down lemon ice tea with extra sugar and lemon.

That doesn't sound like something I want to drink.
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#002 | HeyDude |
Travis and his friends and I have a thing where we quote The Other Guys and say, "Who wants Arnie Palmies???" It's fun.
#003 | Kodiologist |
I love the Foobar as She Is Played series.

Poker: http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1943
Baseball: http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2047
Monopoly: http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1944

The one about sex isn't nearly negative enough, though:

http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2049

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#004 | Kodiologist |
All right, here's my attempt.

T-Rex: Everybody wants to be admired for incredible feats of strength and dexterity. But not everybody's got the brawn of a body-builder and the flexibility of a gymnast! That's why folks invented a sport that even you can do!

Narrator: SEX AS SHE IS PLAYED

T-Rex: Sex is so easy, your grandmother could do it (at least once)! You just touch genitals with a partner. Of course there are all kinds of international standards and athletic manuals, but actually, you can use whatever technique you want.
Dromiceiomimus: Then how does it differ from, say, freestyle swimming?
T-Rex: There are no public sex competitions, with stopwatches. That would be rude.

Utahraptor: Rude?
T-Rex: Of course! The whole point is that nobody sees you play!

T-Rex: You can't even ASK "So what's your best thrust frequency?" It's just understood that everybody has sex. It's very important for everybody's self-esteem that they can SILENTLY IMPLY that they're SEX MASTERS, but everyone agrees never to discuss one's own performance, so nobody feels bad about their own lack of skill.

T-Rex: There ARE professional sex players. Sex is probably the most popular spectator sport! But the athletes are detested. They fear reprisal from their friends and family so much that they compete pseudonymously!
T-Rex: Pro sex: not my first choice of career?

[Title-text: many people consider it to be an important stage in the development of a relationship to trust your sweetie so completely that you're willing to play sex with them. turns out people are even more insecure about their best times in sex than in mario kart]

I'm still not sure it's negative enough, but at least it completely misrepresents the activity, as it ought to.

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http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1566
#005 | HeyDude |
Driving: if you make a little mistake it's probably expensive, and if you make a big mistake you die!

Happy driving!