All right, here's my attempt.
T-Rex: Everybody wants to be admired for incredible feats of strength and dexterity. But not everybody's got the brawn of a body-builder and the flexibility of a gymnast! That's why folks invented a sport that even you can do!
Narrator: SEX AS SHE IS PLAYED
T-Rex: Sex is so easy, your grandmother could do it (at least once)! You just touch genitals with a partner. Of course there are all kinds of international standards and athletic manuals, but actually, you can use whatever technique you want.
Dromiceiomimus: Then how does it differ from, say, freestyle swimming?
T-Rex: There are no public sex competitions, with stopwatches. That would be rude.
Utahraptor: Rude?
T-Rex: Of course! The whole point is that nobody sees you play!
T-Rex: You can't even ASK "So what's your best thrust frequency?" It's just understood that everybody has sex. It's very important for everybody's self-esteem that they can SILENTLY IMPLY that they're SEX MASTERS, but everyone agrees never to discuss one's own performance, so nobody feels bad about their own lack of skill.
T-Rex: There ARE professional sex players. Sex is probably the most popular spectator sport! But the athletes are detested. They fear reprisal from their friends and family so much that they compete pseudonymously!
T-Rex: Pro sex: not my first choice of career?
[Title-text: many people consider it to be an important stage in the development of a relationship to trust your sweetie so completely that you're willing to play sex with them. turns out people are even more insecure about their best times in sex than in mario kart]
I'm still not sure it's negative enough, but at least it completely misrepresents the activity, as it ought to.
---
PWWTHaSaaAaCDLAIEoTaTMaMNtNDTTA - Proud Member
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1566