"In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed." —Red Mage
This page mirrors my Facebook status updates.
"In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed." —Red Mage
Unix neckbeards coined the term "hacker" to mean people who were clever with computers, or by extension, clever with anything. They were displeased when the term got applied specifically to illegitimately gaining access to other people's computers. I guess the Unix neckbeards were listened to, for once, because now any old tip or hint may be advertised as a "sneaky hack" or "genius hack" or "life hack". (LIFE HACK: eat food to relieve hunger.) Be careful what you wish for, Unix neckbeards.
I'm surprised that a brand of condom called "Trojan" has been so successful. Surely the Trojan horse is one of the last things a condom seller wants people to associate with their product, right after sieves and antlions.
Ellipses seem to be idiosyncratically overused… I've seen people use ellipses in place of practically all other punctuation… I don't know what this accomplishes… except giving the impression that the writer is mumbling…
A peek into our dumb future: imagine wild populations of birds that are genetically engineered to sing advertising jingles, and also to mow down competitors' birds with organic machine guns.
Bars sure don't encourage designated drivers when they charge $3 for soda.
Yesterday, on my first day back in New York, I was serenaded by a jackhammer right under the window for an hour. It's good to be home.
This is why Doritos have evolved a distinct warning coloration. http://www.poorlydrawnlines.com/comic/the-flave/
I wish that people/individuals/writers would stop/refrain from using/employing slashes/strokes/solidi and just choose/select/decide on a single word/term/phrase/possibility/option instead.
There are three types of feature films:
3. Sequels to adaptations
Hollywoodologists have postulated the existence of a fourth type: adaptations of sequels. However, all putative specimens so far observed have on closer inspection turned out to be sequels to adaptations. Rumor has it that Disney engineers were able to synthesize a type-4, codenamed "The Black Cauldron", but they came to regret dabbling in dark powers, and all records of the experiment have been destroyed.
It's always heartening to browse /r/teenagers and see how good the new generation's taste in memes is.
Sometimes a reviewer of one of my journal articles tells me to consult an expert in statistics. But I *am* an expert in statistics. Do I have a fool for a client?
A peek into our dumb future: imagine a memetic virus that makes you subconsciously mine Bitcoin, communicating with the controller through rhythmic head-scratching detected by satellite.
If your high-fantasy setting must have elves, then at least make them the cute toy-making or cookie-baking kind instead of snobs enamored with their own beauty who everybody else inexplicably admires.
Long before The Simpsons, Matt Groening was tellin' it like it is. http://arfer.net/microblog/img/love-maneuver.png
Occasionally, somebody misspells my name in reply to email I sent. This is an impressive degree of failure. The correct spelling was right in front of them and they still blew it.
Memes have ruined me. Every time someone says "gazpacho", I hear "despacito".
Poor choices for whimsically labeling the men's and women's bathrooms in your restaurant:
- "Nidorino", "Nidorina"
- "Sissies", "Tomboys"
- "Androids", "Gynoids"
- "Drones", "Queens"
- "Boars", "Sows"
- "ZZ", "ZW"
- "Big", "Small"
- "Decent Folk", "Women"
- "Cis", "Trans"
- "All Genders", "No Genders"
- "Bourgeoisie", "Proletariat"
- "Neckbeards", "Hipsters"
- "Zoes", "Zeldas"
- "Pooping", "Peeing"
- "Employees Only", "Emergency Exit"
Raising children is exhausting but socially vital work. Listening to parents sentimentally lecture on the minutiae of their children's lives is the price we pay for this service.
Peak discourse is making a bingo board for your opponents' arguments. Is it not a treasured principle of logic that any argument used too many times gets worn out and is no longer valid?
Discord gets a job offer from a small magnet school but expects the sort of perks he got at Microsoft R&D. http://arfer.net/microblog/img/discord-ed.png
Yesterday, a stranger said to me "Excuse me, I have cancer. Are you interested?" So I said "'Fraid not" and hoped I had misheard her.
Do people who use the word "politician" as an insult to describe politicians also get angry when their lawyer turns out to be a lawyer?
Remember when pop-up blockers actually worked, because pop-ups were new pages?
Here's a handy guide to the most pointless jargon in science. When you're writing journal articles, make sure to use these terms as often as possible to show how sciencey you are.
- "novel": new
- "individuals": people
- "participants": subjects
- "investigators": researchers
- "highly nontrivial": difficult
- "paradigm": method
- "hypothesize": expect
- "robust": large
- "theoretical framework": theory
Like war and car accidents, alcohol has been a major cause of death and disability around the world for generations, so we've all politely agreed that it's fine.
Do people truly enjoy anime? Or is it that, like Clevinger in Catch-22, they wish to experience time moving as slowly as possible?
The other night I had a dream where I yelled at my dad about sample sizes.
Fun game: in a store, try to find bar soap that uses the word "soap" on the package.
There's a special circle of hell for Web sign-up forms that impose password requirements, like having at least one digit and at least one punctuation character. There's another, deeper one for forms that display the password requirements only after you've chosen a password. The deepest circle is reserved for forms that display only one requirement at a time, after you've violated it, rather than all the requirements at once.
I've never taken Communion, but I'm told that the host is tender and mild.
Long ago, the four clans lived together in harmony. Then everything changed when ShadowClan attacked.
If you wrap a pastry around your head, are you wearing a baklava balaclava?
At the Improv Space in Westwood, I've seen at least three shows that involved the performers in some state of undress. At this point the place is seeming less like an improvisational-comedy theater and more like a strip club specializing in doughy white men. Geez, if that's what I wanted to see, I'd just look in the mirror.
It's finally up!
If you don't have access to this journal, you can read the paper on my website:
Some people like to say that animals are so much kinder and wiser than humans because they don't have genocide, drug dealers, etc. But the chief reason they don't do the same horrible things we do is because they can't. If bottlenose dolphins could build cruise missiles, they'd be sinking oil tankers for sport, making those cheerful little chittering noises all the while.
When you'll do whatever it takes to make a backronym: "In this paper, we build a new software agent, HEALER (Hierarchical Ensembling based Agent which pLans for Effective Reduction in HIV Spread)".
"Webapp" is pronounced "we bap".
Atheists should be careful not to lapse into sour grapes. God doesn't exist, but it doesn't follow that his nonexistence is preferable. Look at how terrible the world is and tell me it wouldn't be improved by a benevolent superbeing who could fix everything with a snap of its numinous fingers (insert obligatory Thanos joke here). Yes, theists have to explain why God *doesn't* do this, but that's their problem (and why theodicy is a primary topic in theology).
"reality is a tim and eric sketch." —Somebody on Reddit
The best analogy I've seen in a while is Israel Zangwill's description of an oracle experiencing a trance as "foaming at the mouth like an open champagne bottle".
The more politically powerful someone is, the more things he's responsible for, and so the more he has to read to do his job well. Hence, when he reigns, he pores.
One problem with cloud computing is that when everyone depends on one system, like Amazon Web Services, then everyone has a single point of failure. Hence, when the cloud rains, it pours.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. So, it's good you didn't take them.
Funny story: it turns out that one of the world's greatest competitive eaters, Matt Stonie, is about the same age, height, and weight as me. I'll have to add that to my file of backup career plans, right after "Web developer" and before "freelance My Little Pony pornography author".
The criterion of embarrassment implies that the Gospel is most likely to be distorted in places where it recounts the cool things that Jesus did. What if Jesus only turned water into a sugary Manischewitz?
A book called Radical Honesty promotes honesty to the point of saying the first thing that comes to mind no matter what. I think that's really stretching the definition of "honesty". A thought might pass through my head like "I want to eat that entire cake", but saying so wouldn't be honest. I'd be begging for mercy after four slices. When's the last time a guy under 5' 8" won an eating contest?
Protip: are people upset at the terrible things you do? Double down on it for a while to lower their standards, then revert to your usual behavior and bask in admiration at your self-improvement.
I know what *my* next RPG character's gonna be. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berserk_llama_syndrome
"Dream Interpretation, Simplified" by Piet Hein
concave or -vex,
so whatever you dream
will be something with sex.
I always loved Disney's 1964 film version of Mary Poppins, but the original book has its charms, too:
Jane, with her head tied up in Mary Poppins's bandanna handkerchief, was in bed with earache.
"What does it feel like?" Michael wanted to know.
"Like guns going off inside my head," said Jane.
"Oh," said Michael. And he almost wished he could have earache, too. It sounded so exciting.
I'm not interested in Smash Bros. till they finally add Joe Biden.
People talk about the "beauty industry", but isn't that supposed to be an oxymoron?
12 rules for life (#6 will shock you!)
1. Sit down and shut up.
2. Be the change you want to see happen.
3. Experience is no substitute for knowledge.
4. Correctness beats convention.
5. Morality is rarely sufficient, but always necessary.
6. Never count in unary past 3.
7. Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
8. Partial redundancy is worse than both no redundancy and full redundancy.
8. If a data-entry constraint isn't enforced automatically, it's not going to be enforced.
9. In the classic Nintendo 64 video game The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, if you play the Song of Time backwards, you'll get the Inverted Song of Time, which slows down the game clock. This is most useful for dungeons, but it's a good idea to play it at the start of every three-day cycle.
A. Hexadecimal is better than octal, except for Unix permission bits.
B. Incompetence is more dangerous than malice.
bacon pancakes bacon bacon bacon bacon pancakes bacon bacon pancakes pancakes pancakes bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon pancakes bacon bacon pancakes pancakes bacon pancakes bacon pancakes pancakes bacon bacon bacon pancakes bacon bacon pancakes pancakes pancakes bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon pancakes bacon pancakes bacon pancakes bacon bacon bacon pancakes pancakes pancakes bacon bacon pancakes pancakes bacon pancakes pancakes bacon bacon bacon pancakes bacon bacon pancakes pancakes bacon bacon bacon bacon pancakes bacon pancakes bacon bacon pancakes bacon bacon pancakes bacon pancakes pancakes pancakes bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon pancakes pancakes bacon pancakes bacon bacon pancakes bacon pancakes pancakes bacon pancakes bacon bacon pancakes bacon pancakes pancakes bacon bacon bacon bacon pancakes bacon pancakes pancakes pancakes bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon pancakes bacon bacon bacon bacon pancakes bacon bacon pancakes pancakes pancakes bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon pancakes pancakes pancakes bacon pancakes bacon bacon bacon pancakes pancakes pancakes bacon pancakes pancakes pancakes bacon pancakes pancakes bacon pancakes bacon bacon pancakes bacon pancakes pancakes bacon bacon pancakes pancakes pancakes bacon pancakes pancakes bacon pancakes pancakes bacon pancakes bacon pancakes bacon bacon bacon bacon pancakes bacon bacon pancakes pancakes pancakes bacon bacon bacon bacon
When Apple said "Here's to… the misfits", they were talking about connectors.
My book Empirical Sexual Attitudes (featuring a cover design by my good friend Jason Barker) now has a sexy new updated print edition with 20% fewer obvious typos: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1523814535 (but Amazon might send you the previous edition if they have a copy on hand because that's how they roll). As always, you can read it online for free at: http://arfer.net/w/esa
It's not fair to say a person is "struggling" if they're clearly not even trying.
DID YOU KNOW? ZFC was disproved in 2006 when paleontologists found definitive fossil evidence that the universal set once walked the earth.
Current mood: attempting to remain calm in the face of the pony drought.
On all levels except physical, I am Richard Stallman.
It may be true that "no pain, no gain", but sometimes I think that what people are hoping is true is the converse.
Chemicals: they're what's for dinner.
The Brave Little Toaster is an exercise in seeing how much death and anguish you can get away with in a kids' movie if the characters are talking appliances instead of humans.
I went LA's gay-pride parade yesterday and I saw a kid with a T-shirt bearing a rainbow-striped silhouette of a T. rex. So *that's* why the dinosaurs went extinct.
Protip: if you apply for a job and your cover letter consists entirely of Star Fox 64 quotes, they're legally required to hire you.
Imagine if Elric of Melniboné was as well known as Superman, and the generally recognized stereotype of an albino person was a sickly sorcerer-king in thrall to a cursed sword.
DID YOU KNOW? The most common size of banana is .45 caliber.
This is my 100th post, which calls for a celebration. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G4RYtP5RQQ
For some kinds of TLS errors, Firefox displays the message "The owner of [domain name] has configured their website improperly." Ya think? Firefox, honey, how many websites do you know that *are* configured properly? Without quirks mode, you'd have practically nothing to display.
Do your pissants smell bad? Try some de-odor-ant.
Westwood is littered with rental electric scooters owned by a company called Bird. They sound like a great option for disabled people who can't legally drive, right? Except Bird requires you to have a driver's license. Well, it was a nice thought.
The beatings will continue until morale improves. http://arfer.net/microblog/img/facebook-is-changing.png
You should've seen the one that got away. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J%C3%B6rmungandr#Thor%27s_fishing_trip
Wikipedia tells us that "calque" is a loanword (from French), but "loanword" is a calque (from the German "Lehnwort").
Why is it taken for granted that men want to be masculine and women want to be feminine? What are you afraid of, the gender-role police? The term "gender policing" is metaphorical. Well, usually. Tehran police only announced at the end of 2017 that they would reduce penalties for women showing their hair in public.
From the not-a-joke-but-still-funny department: I've recently finished contracting with the Cryonics Institute to have my body cryopreserved when I die. Please remember to check me for freezer burn before resurrecting me.
Not all geeks are obese, hairy neckbeards. Some of us are shrimpy, pasty-faced twerps.
I must not fear (instead, I'll just be afraid, like a normal person). Fear is the mind-killer (or at least, beer is the mind-killer). Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration (in case you thought the previous sentence wasn't hyperbolic enough; also, why am I calling it "little" if I'm convinced it's so dangerous?). I will face my fear (because now, three sentences later, I've realized that I can't just will myself not to experience fear, after all). I will permit it to pass over me and through me (a topologically daunting proposition if there ever was one). And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path (I have to wait till it's gone because I'm scared to look; so much for facing it). Where the fear has gone there will be nothing (like a bullet going through a wall and leaving a cylindrical hole). Only I will remain (because I'm nothing, apparently).
Overall my impression is that Frank Herbert took the adage "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" a bit too literally. Those accursed Bene Gesserit witches!
It is preferred and strongly recommended, and it would be greatly appreciated, to say who is doing the preferring, recommending, or appreciating rather than using the passive voice in this way.
No software has ever actually been "awesome", "beautiful", or "elegant", and no programmer has ever been a "wizard", "ninja", "architect", or "artist". If your asynchronous containerized TypeScript middleware internationalization microframework or whatever it is is so great, then just show me what's great about it, instead of weeping over its magnificence like a nineteenth-century American socialite writing a travel diary about Renaissance art.
Will Cerbone of Fordham University Press kindly sent me a copy of The Last Professors: The Corporate University and the Fate of the Humanities, by Frank Donoghue, so here's an informal review.
Donoghue's subject is the decay of the American university system as we know it, particularly its faculty, particularly in the humanities. Whereas a lot of the discussion on this subject focuses on the disappearance of tenure, Donoghue emphasizes deeper systemic changes in how schools are administered, and in the role that faculty play in them. What made the biggest impression on me was the early part of the book in which Donoghue talks about the corporatization of the university. Not only are nonprofit schools being displaced by for-profit ones; schools of all types are increasingly being run like corporations, with for-profits leading the charge. Faculty, who were once masters of the educational programs of schools, are increasingly being treated as interchangeable delivery agents of a curriculum that belongs to the school administration. Donoghue mentions the popularity of online classes and flexible per-student learning plans but stops short of suggesting the obvious next step, in which faculty are entirely replaced with Skinnerian "teaching machines".
Another eye-opening part of the book is the discussion of the role that well-known rankings of schools play in the administration of schools. I knew that the US News & World Report rankings existed, but I had no idea that anybody but the most naive yuppie parents took them seriously. I'd never have imagined that the president of Virginia Commonwealth University would be given a $25,000 bonus for each year the school stayed in tier 2 of the US News rankings.
Overall, the book is well written (as you'd hope, given that Donoghue is a professor of English), and I'd recommend it to anybody interested in what's happening to the American university system. Perhaps its most notable flaw is that it was written in 2008 and has been republished this year without a major content update, just a new introduction. When a book is about assessing the immediate past and trying to predict the future, timeliness counts. I also thought it was odd that Donoghue gives attention to science and the humanities but not the arts, which seem even likelier to fall to the corporate chopping block. Finally, I noticed that Donoghue criticizes at length the usual arguments for why the humanities are valuable (e.g., that they make people more informed citizens who can participate more competently in democracy) without advancing one of his own. Presumably Donoghue would at least agree with his fellow humanists that his job is worth doing.
Last Sunday, I was on campus and I passed a guy riding an electric scooter while playing "Fuck tha Police". Your move, UCPD.
A penny saved is approximately three-two hundredths of a penny earned annually.
The Archimedean property of the reals is that given nonzero real $a$ and $b$, there exists an integer $N$ with $Na > b$. It's often paraphrased as: "given enough time, one can empty a large bathtub with a small spoon". I'll take their word for it. I've used a slotted spoon in place of a sieve for cooking pasta, and that was laborious enough.
Don't be surprised that in tabletop RPGs, brainy magic-users tend to be more powerful than muscular swordsmen. Who do you think writes these games, quarterbacks?
No-fault divorce is one of the law's most important concessions to human fallibility: no matter how ostentatiously you announce to the world that you're sure of something, you may end up changing your mind.
I don't see the point of automatic vacation replies. People seem perfectly capable of ignoring my email when they're not on vacation.
My least favorite stock character is the ostensibly very wise and powerful mentor who spends most of his time providing various contrived reasons that he can't be more than nominally helpful to the main characters. The Doylist reason that he's unhelpful is transparent: if the mentor were as effective as he's supposed to be, he'd make the main characters superfluous.
Los Angeles is so gay that I've heard even people in heterosexual relationships play the pronoun game and refer to their boyfriend or girlfriend as "my partner". But it remains the case that whenever I hear the word "partner", I think of cowboys and square dances.
I'd like to downgrade to Web 1.0, at least until all the longstanding issues with this "human nature" module are fixed.
New York City was robbed of two opportunities to be a seat of political power, first as the US capital and then as a state capital. I'm just mad because we missed out on a constitutional amendment making access to good bagels a fundamental citizen's right.
Folks, the other day I was at a deli and I asked "You don't have lox, do you?" The guy didn't even recognize the word "lox". I lost a lot of respect for Los Angeles that day.
I've never liked mayonnaise. I think I resent anything that's whiter than me.
It's presumptuous to introduce yourself with a title, as in "Hi, I'm Mr. Smith." Just gimme the name, buddy, and I'll decide what I'm gonna call you. You don't see me telling the guy at Starbucks that my name is "Dr. Arfer".
Some eggcorns I've seen in the wild (by which of course I mean Reddit):
- "bullet hail" for "bullet hell"
- "slap shtick" for "slapstick"
- "another addition of" for "another edition of"
You may balk when I say that people are stupid and can't be trusted to make their own decisions, but I have particular expertise here. I'm a person, and I've made lots of decisions, most of them wrong.
But don't take it from me; take it from a guy who's being chased by a carnivorous hamburger. http://nedroid.com/2007/11/1335
Some musicians "release" albums, like birds. Others "drop" albums, like turds.
The most frustrating moment of my career was when I finished graduate school but they refused to give me a degree, explaining that the PhD had been in me all along, and the real treasure was the friends I'd made along the way. First of all, grad students don't have any friends.
Is it rude to pick your nose in sight of a security camera? Asking for a friend.
"This document varies from difficult to understand to completely and utterly opaque. The wandering prose riddled with jargon is hard to fathom in several places." —perlre, on itself
What I can't explain is that I know two different Mega Man-themed bands, the Protomen and the Megas, but neither of them are named the Rockmen.
The Capgras delusion is the irrational conviction that a familiar person or thing has been replaced with an impostor. I had it one morning when I was about 12 about my cat Twilight. I even demanded from him what he'd done with the real Twilight, half-expecting to get an answer in English. This isn't a joke, but in hindsight, it's pretty funny.
Teetotalism and low vision are a bad combination. I'd make a great designated driver if it weren't for the latter.
"History is more or less bunk." —Henry Ford
"Ford is more or less history." —Foreign car manufacturers
Literary turns of phrase often used for describing skin color include "alabaster", "peaches and cream", "olive", "coffee", and "chocolate". Some less frequently used terms are "mayonnaise", "whole wheat", "rocky road", and "lime".
Only a few physicians use homeopathic methods, but the more they're outnumbered, the more powerful they become.
- Small brain: Splitting infinitives
- Big brain: Correcting split infinitives
- Huge brain: Denouncing the "correction" of split infinitives as dogmatic
- Gigantic brain: Denouncing prescriptive linguistics as a tool of kyriarchy
- Colossal brain: Communicating solely in atonal flugelhorn solos
- Small brain: Making an image macro
- Big brain: Transcribing the image macro for disabled readers and search engines
- Huge brain: Providing only the text
Offensive jokes can be funny, but just because a joke is offensive doesn't mean it's funny.
Or at least, that's what your mom said last night after I had sex with her.
Alan Baddeley's original model of working memory postulated a mental process that takes all the information from the other parts of working memory and somehow makes decisions to control those parts. Since this process is ostensibly the most important part of the whole operation, but what it actually does and whether we really need it remain mysterious, it's called the "executive".
"Players think it'll be fun, but it's not actually fun." —Gerard Gully, on one-shotting bosses in D&D
"We do not have data on our graduates from the data science program…" Whoops.
"I love mankind. It's people I can't stand!" —Linus van Pelt
"Give me liberty, or give me death!"
"Is Pepsi okay?"
I'm perturbed when I hear people say things like "I don't 'believe' the earth is round. I know it." Belief is a necessary part of factual knowledge. Knowing the earth is round is not like knowing how to ride a bike, unless you mean to say that you steer your airplane in a way accounting for the earth's curvature but you've never actually thought about the shape of the earth.
In 1995, George Costanza said "It's not a lie if you believe it." Today we see the expression of an even more powerful idea: if you don't really believe anything, you can't believe that what you're saying is false, so you're technically never lying.
The thing about p-zombies is, it doesn't take one to know one.
Being disruptive, once the cardinal sin of mischievous children, is now the cardinal virtue of Silicon Valley.
Poor choices for your phone's notification sound effect:
- A microwave beeping
- An air-raid siren
- A small dog yipping
- Sonic the Hedgehog dropping rings
- Tina Belcher groaning
- Alex Jones groaning
- The distorted clip of John Romero's voice from the last level of Doom 2
- "It's secret, but fun!"
- "It's morphin' time!"
- "Nude Tayne."
Is the property of being a natural kind itself a natural kind?
They called me mad. I prefer the term "vexed".
Richard Stallman once replied to my email about a typo in the documentation of Emacs, and Peter Shor once answered a question I asked on the English Stack Exchange. What I'm saying is that, like many Angelenos, I frequently rub elbows with big-time celebrities. Did I mention that a few blocks from my house was the world premiere of no less than The Emoji Movie?
A specter is haunting social science—the specter of reproducibility.
I'm always a bit taken aback when people begin all their email with "Thank you for your email". Particularly, the people who write that are often people who spend a large part of their workday answering stupid questions by email (such as my own) and therefore, I suspect, are the least grateful to receive yet another message.
The Social Network is a great movie, if only for mentioning Emacs.
The cool kids make sure their Facebook status updates are exactly 85 characters long.
I lied. *This* is my favorite comic strip. http://geekz.co.uk/lovesraymond/archive/linux-doomsday
From an essay by Stephen Fry on Wodehouse:
When Hugh Laurie and I had the extreme honour and terrifying responsibility of being asked to play Bertie Wooster and Jeeves in a series of television adaptations, we were aware of one huge problem. Wodehouse's three great achievements are plot, character and language, and the greatest of these, by far, is language. If we were reasonably competent, then all of us concerned in the television version could go some way towards conveying a fair sense of the narrative of the stories and revealing, too, a good deal of the nature of their characters. The language, however, lives and breathes in its written, printed form. Let me use an example, taken at random. I flip open a book of stories and happen on Bertie and Jeeves discussing a young man called Cyril Bassington-Bassington.
"I've never heard of him. Have you ever heard of him, Jeeves?"
"I am familiar with the name Bassington-Bassington, sir. There are three branches of the Bassington-Bassington family—the Shropshire Bassington-Bassingtons, the Hampshire Bassington-Bassingtons, and the Kent Bassington-Bassingtons."
"England seems pretty well stocked up with Bassington-Bassingtons."
"Tolerably so, sir."
"No chance of a sudden shortage, I mean, what?"
The problem with reading the Bible is that the Western world has several major holidays that spoil all the biggest plot twists.
A fun April Fool's prank: give your friend an egg and tell them it's a chocolate egg. What could be funnier than Salmonella?
Many scientists regard "data" as a plural count noun instead of a mass noun, and so they say "these data are" instead of "this data is". But do they ask "How many data do you have?" and expect a reply like "seventeen data"? Do they call data analysis "datum analysis", or else say that somebody who's walking two dogs is "dogs-walking"? Even for plurale tantum, we say "scissor blade", not "scissors blade".
You'll be glad to hear that I've taken steps to shine the light of my brilliant thought leadership outside the walled garden of Facebook. http://arfer.net/microblog
DID YOU KNOW? Outside the US, many words containing the letters "or" are spelled with "our" instead. Here are some examples: "colour", "armour", "tournado", "ourange", "hourrour".
"I'm Jewish in the same way the Olive Garden is an Italian restaurant." —A. J. Jacobs
No other movie about destroying evil robots will ever be as satisfying as the scene in Office Space where they smash up a printer.
Levity is the whole of wit.
Reddit told me to delete Facebook, so here goes.'); DROP TABLE Posts; --
Just kidding; Facebook doesn't use a SQL database. Relational databases aren't w e b s c a l e. http://www.mongodb-is-web-scale.com
Questionable chemistry aside, this is my favorite comic strip: http://www.poorlydrawnlines.com/comic/bury-ourselves
It can be hard to get my alertness level between "comatose" and "hyperventilating".
Protip: overlay every nation's flag onto your profile picture simultaneously to always be ahead of the crowd for the next natural disaster / terrorist attack / alien invasion. #IStandWithSomebody
"I have seen at least one case where a manuscript that used psychometric modeling was rejected by a major journal because, according to the editor, it was too difficult for the journal's audience since it contained some basic matrix algebra (i.e., addition and multiplication). That a scientific journal should reject a paper for being difficult is almost surrealistic…" —Denny Borsboom (2006)
Thomas Dolby should've worn his safety goggles.
I'm starting to worry. How can I tell if my boyfriend is gay?
IMPORTANT WARNING: This Facebook status update (and any attachments) is only intended for the use of the person or entity to which it is addressed, and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. You, the recipient, are obligated to maintain it in a safe, secure and confidential manner. Unauthorized redisclosure or failure to maintain confidentiality may subject you to federal and state penalties. If you are not the recipient, please immediately notify us by reaction GIF, and hide this status from your timeline. Donut steel.
Sex therapist David Schnarch suggests that couples make eye contact during sex to increase intimacy. This practice can be intimidating. Another therapist, Bernie Zilbergeld, quipped "I tried that once and there was somebody looking right back at me!"
What if the Ghostbusters had a portal gun and used it to cross a stream with itself?
INTERVIEWER: I mean questions about the job.
Blessed are the adjuncts, for they shall inherit what's left of higher education after the last tenured guy dies. And with blessings like these, who needs curses?
Some people think that old memes never come back, but beware: Chuck Norris never dies. He waits.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Total depravity means never having to say you won't do it again.
Protip: by never talking to other people about tough topics, such as politics, religion, morality, and sexuality, you can ensure that your stupidest opinions are never challenged.
(On the other hand, if you do want to talk about these things, look no further than Facebook comments for the highest standards of intellectual discourse.)
Current mood: waiting impatiently for DuckTales to return from hiatus.
They can't disprove your theory if it's unfalsifiable. http://arfer.net/microblog/img/roll-safe.jpg
Sign my petition for all new smartphones to include a linear actuator that pokes you in the eye if you try to take a vertical video.
Sonnet 128: Ay gurl, what them fingers do?
Sonnet 129: I immediately regret this decision!
Academic peer review is just institutionalized bullying.
If we ever want to definitively settle the question of whether God exists, we have to get to the heart of the matter. We have to determine whether Daniel Dennett or John Calvin has the longer beard.
Tonight, let David Attenborough be your guide to the urban jungle of Los Angeles, where food trucks compete fiercely for the most desirable spots and urinate on the street to mark their territory. Isn't nature fascinating?
Complex numbers sometimes appear in optics, but how can mirrors be real if our "i"s aren't real?
80 years ago, F. Scott Fitzgerald said "An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke." Modern writers prefer U+1F602 (FACE WITH TEARS OF JOY).