Kodi Arfer


These pages mirror my Facebook status updates.

#440 |

There should be a band named Ship of Theseus that replaces its oldest member every month.

#439 |

Sometimes, I accidentally mix up "neat" and "nice" and say "nece" (homophonic with "niece"), but maybe I should use "nece" deliberately as part of my noble quest to become more insufferable.

#438 |

Making software updates mandatory to protect people from forgetting to update is like making cellphones automatically call the address-book entry named "Mom" periodically to protect people from forgetting to talk to their parents.

#437 |

In future ages, when I am the preeminent legendary figure of the third millennium, people will naturally want to refer to me by a suitably heroic epithet. But what epithet will they use? Sure, something like "Kodi the Great" has a nice ring to it, but I deserve better. Here's some candidate epithets for future generations to consider:

#436 |

"The children were not allowed to help, but they loved looking on, and almost felt that, if they looked on earnestly enough, they must, in some strange mysterious way, be actually helping. You know the feeling, I daresay." —E. Nesbit (The Magic City, 1910)

#435 |

Using Roman numerals for numbers larger than 3 is just showing off.

#434 |

A mere glance at history shows that the politics of previous centuries involved just as much corruption and mudslinging as the politics of today, or maybe even more. Then again, it is said that James A. Garfield could write Latin with one hand while writing the same sentence in Greek with the other hand, so perhaps something has been lost.

#433 |

It's surprising how programmer-hostile a lot of programs are, considering who wrote them.

#432 |

"The Sequel"

Spinning down the drain,
The falcon cannot hear the falconer,
Probably because its ears are full of water.
The sink falls apart
(Including the center of the sink).
Somehow, this leads to anarchy.
But then again, it's mere anarchy.
Nothing too catastrophic,
Like the descent of a society into lawless disorder or something.
But not so mere that there isn't a whole ocean of blood out there!
Which drowns a ceremony of innocence.
However that works. Talk about mixed metaphors.
Of course,
This all ties into the Dunning-Kruger effect.

This seems like a good time for Jesus to show up again.
As if on cue,
Some kind of sphingian Antichrist appears.
I hate it when that happens.
But wait,
It has…
Slow thighs.
I can't decide if that sounds more like a blues musician, an exercise routine, or a kind of roast.
The buzzards are understandably indignant
That something uglier than them
Has insolently come into existence.
Anyway, we set off too many IEDs in the Middle East
And now this thing is gonna Godzilla the Holy Land.
Great work as always, humanity.
Actually, this poem was written in 1919,
So it probably wasn't about that.
Good thing nothing else terrible happened
In the decades following the Great War.

#431 |

In 2015, you saw the black-and-blue dress or the white-and-gold dress. In 2018, you heard "Laurel" or "Yanny". Now get ready to smell puke or Parmesan cheese.

#430 |

There's a canonically transgender Disney Princess. You see, Disney owns Marvel. Marvel published two different comic-book adaptions (one in 1975, one in 2009) of L. Frank Baum's The Marvelous Land of Oz. In this book, the first of many sequels to The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, the main character is a boy named Tip. But Tip turns out to have been magically transformed as a baby to hide his identity. His original identity, which he resumes when the transformation is undone at the end of The Marvelous Land, is that of the rightful heir to the throne of Oz: Princess Ozma.

#429 |

MYTH: People use "BCE" and "CE" instead of "BC" and "AD" to annoy Christians.

FACT: People use "BCE" and "CE" instead of "BC" and "AD" to preempt pedants who will catch them when they forget to put "AD" before the year.

#428 |

Scholars have recently discovered the lost original ending of Hamlet. Here are the final two lines.

Fortinbras: And what dost thou call this tragic spectacle?
Horatio: The Aristocrats!

#427 |

Our concern for the intentions of the Framers of the Constitution seems misplaced. If James Madison told you to jump off a cliff (being necessary to the security of a free state), would you?

#426 |

"If you keep making that smug look, your face will get stuck like that." —Bill Maher's mom, probably

#425 |

What's the difference between a geek and a nerd? Well, consider the name Wronski, in its various spellings. If it makes you think of linear algebra, you're a geek. If it makes you think of Anna Karenina, you're a nerd. If it makes you think of an incredibly obscure Harry Potter character, then I don't know what you are, but it's terminal.

#424 |

I was excited when I heard that BuzzFeed had published a listicle of the top 10 albino statisticians born on a Sunday who dislike peas, but less so when I learned that it had me as an "honorable mention".

#423 |

Here are some notable prompts and error messages from video games. (N.B. All of these are real.)

#422 |

"My worse-is-better is better than your worse-is-better because I'm better at being worser!" —Larry Wall (2007)

#421 |

We all have our own idea about who the best Democratic candidate for president is, but if there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that there isn't enough candidates. To that end, I'm happy to announce that I'm throwing my hat in the ring. Here's my platform:

#420 |

Video-game testers used to be paid, but thanks to "early access", you can now pay a company for the privilege of testing their half-finished games.

#419 |

I can believe that Bill Burr's slow-witted, petulant, yet spineless personality is just part of his shtick. He's obviously a talented comedian. It's just that I'm not sure how many of his fans are in on the joke, the same way that Archie Bunker had a lot of fans who didn't quite get the point. If the Internet has taught me anything, it's that extensive roleplaying as an idiot, or a jerk, or a racist, tends to attract the genuine article. In the words of the great sage Michael Jackson, "be careful of what you do, 'cause the lie becomes the truth."

#418 |

"The smallest thing can make somebody sexually unappealing. A misplaced mole or a particular hair pattern can do it. There's no reason for this but it's just as well." —Jenny Holzer (1989)

#417 |

This is so sad. Alexa, play the one about the smart guy who got lost after he blew up Troy.

#416 |

Proof that Julius is the most powerful Belmont of them all: he can stand exactly one pixel above the ground. http://arfer.net/microblog/img/julius.png

#415 |

I'm 30 and I still feel like I'm lying when I tell a website that I'm over 18.