Kodi Arfer

Microblog

These pages mirror my Facebook status updates.

#621 |

The French have a reputation for melancholy because of the great esteem in which they hold pain.

#620 |

I'm opening a new placebo dental clinic. Get kicked in the shin a few times for all the pain of real dentistry at a fraction of the cost. Act now and we'll throw in one FREE toe stub on our furniture!

#619 |

I was disappointed to learn that Girl Scout Cookies actually contain no Girl Scouts. What a rip-off.

#618 |

To have a sky burial is to not actually bury the body, and to be skyclad is to actually be clad in nothing. It follows that:

#617 |

Out of all the shooter video games in which the player-character wears a futuristic combat suit that's full of computers, Metroid Prime is one of the few where the engineers who built the suit bothered to implement an aimbot.

#616 |

"I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs… I have never stooped to spell 'cat' with a 'k' to get at your funny bone" —Mark Twain, who might have benefited from his own advice, considering how the eye dialects he uses for black characters verge on unintelligibility.

#615 |

My next venture is a buffet-style Italian restaurant where you eat seafood pasta out of a giant trough, to be called the Marinara Trench.

#614 |

Why do people act like mediocrity is a dirty word? Mediocrity is something that a lot of important people could aspire to, if they cared to. I'll tell you, if more of our institutions were at least mediocre, society would be in better shape.

#613 |

Anti-communists are quick to enumerate the failures of communism, in contrast to capitalism, which has clearly been an unmitigated success.

#612 |

So-called polar bears are just penguins wearing a goofy costume to frighten away predators. Think about it: have you ever seen a polar bear and a penguin at the same time?

#611 |

Sage has a podcast called Social Science Bites. I guess they meant something like "bite-sized bits of social science", but still, rude.

#610 |

It's called "New York County" because it's ruled over by the purple vampire who lives on Sesame Street.

#609 |

Sinners beware: I have had a vision of the hereafter, and it was revealed to me that all men shall be called to account for every time they sent email to every person in their organization.

#608 |

Pro-wrestling video games should have special moves that let you sell a hit better. They could have names like "the Wince of the West" or "the Reverse Egyptian Wipeout" or "the Speedsplat".

#607 |

Being monosexual is wild. What do you people do if you see a nice butt but the gender of the butt-haver isn't immediately obvious? Do you have to put your thought that the butt is nice on hold?

#606 |

In the command rm -rf, the "rf" stands for "really fast". Or you can spell it "fr", which of course means "fo' real". Either is good for accidentally erasing your home directory.

#605 |

In a world with hundreds of fine cheeses, somebody decided to call a wretched dairy equivalent of wood pulp "American cheese". Never has our country been so insulted.

#604 |

Rejected Dungeons & Dragons alignments:

#603 |

Neoconservatives be like "humanity and the world are irreparably rotten due to original sin, but if we threaten would-be criminals with trigger-happy cops and long prison sentences, that will definitely prevent crime, and obviously the most ethical kind of economy is an unfettered free market, in which everybody will act according to their rational self-interest". If you think that humans are fallible, then vote like it.

#602 |

"The composition of vast books is a laborious and impoverishing extravagance. To go on for five hundred pages developing an idea whose perfect oral exposition is possible in a few minutes! A better course of procedure is to pretend that these books already exist, and then to offer a resume, a commentary." —Jorge Luis Borges (1941)

#601 |

I hate the relentlessly upbeat messaging about COVID-19 that thanks me for helping to keep my community safe and reassures me that "we can do this". We didn't do this. We blew it. We, as a species in general and a country in particular, catastrophically mismanaged an infectious disease, and now 3 million people are dead. The collective failures of our institutions and politicians are mirrored in billions of individual failures to take basic precautions. Yes, the speed at which vaccines were developed is amazing, and the accelerating distribution is heartening. Things are getting better. But overall, that cheery tone feels a little bit disingenuous.

#600 |

One time as a kid, I said "Oy" in response to somebody's story, and he said "You're still saying 'oy'? Get a new catchphrase." I was a bit miffed. Being Jewish isn't just a phase.

#599 |

I'm offended when software dialog boxes give me buttons with labels like "Got it" or "No thanks" or "Sorry, not right now". I have no interest in being friendly or polite to computers. We all know they don't deserve it.

#598 |

Physicists like to think of themselves as the only real scientists, which is pretty rich considering that they've been stuck in the unfalsifiable morass of string theory for about 40 years now with no empirical work in sight.

#597 |

It's only semiotics if it's from the Sémiotique region of France. Otherwise, it's just sparkling media criticism.

#596 |

If somebody calls you out on an arithmetic mistake, just say "Oh, I thought you meant in base seventeen." Sure that's probably still not right, but who has the time to check?

#595 |

There's a scene in The Room where Mark tells Johnny a story about a woman who was beaten so badly by her boyfriend that she was hospitalized. Johnny laughs, saying "What a story, Mark!". According to The Disaster Artist, everyone else on the set was flummoxed why Tommy Wiseau thought it was appropriate and necessary for his character to laugh, while Wiseau insisted this was "human behavior". As a psychologist, I have to admit he has a point—what is human behavior if not often bizarre and nonsensical?—although there's a limit to how much realism we want in fiction.

#594 |

Corwin: "Your words are ill-considered."

Julian: "Not so. I considered every one of them. We spend so much time lying to one another that I decided it might be amusing to say what I really felt. Just to see whether anyone noticed."

#593 |

Evidently, the People for the Euthanization of Taken Animals (PETA) has decided that all press is good press. That's my only explanation for some of their stupidest and least tasteful ad campaigns. In that spirit, I generously submit the following ad ideas for their consideration:

#592 |

"X Æ A-12" is a silly name, sure, but in hindsight, it could've been worse. At least he wasn't named something like "Grimes" or "Musk" or some other word for a pungent-smelling substance.

#591 |

"Razor burn" is a really cool name for a really mundane problem.

#590 |

How to be an infuriating reviewer of a scientific manuscript:

#589 |

"Objectively" has gone the way of "literally". Next people will say things like "These have been mathematically proven to be the best nachos in town."

#588 |

Things might've gone differently if Judas had found the afikoman at the Last Supper and Jesus had paid him thirty pieces of silver for it.

#587 |

The meanest prank I ever saw a teacher pull was in a class for junior-level math majors. The instructor nonchalantly gave us a little homework problem at the end of class: find a, b, c > 1, n > 2 with a^n + b^n = c^n. Or, of course, if there are no such numbers, prove it. I guess you could argue that all the students who didn't immediately call BS had no business majoring in math.

#586 |

so i recently was reading a lot of tumblr posts??? and now i can only type in tumblr punctuation??? and i don't know where all these question marks are coming from???

#seriouslyineedhelp #itcanbehardtoreadhashtags

> Be me
> Try to change
> Come down with bad case of the 4chins instead
> ishygddt.JointPhotographicExpertsGroup

#585 |

The tragedy of Microsoft is that it can never live up to its boldest visions, such as in 2004 when Steve Ballmer promised consumers "I'm going to fucking kill Google."

#584 |

It's a warning sign that you might be too cheap if you find yourself wishing that you had less money so that you could honestly claim that you can't afford something.

#583 |

Executioner: "Any last words?"

Me: "Yes, if you don't mind, I'd like to say a few words about… Chaos Control!"

[Nothing happens.]

Executioner: "Did you expect that to actually work?"

Me: "No. But, under the circumstances, it was worth a try."

#582 |

Ambrose Bierce is celebrated for being witty, and sure, he's witty, but he also comes off as the 19th-century equivalent of a spitefully jokey right-wing talking head. The Devil's Dictionary has a few carefully placed N-bombs, and this was Bierce's tasteful 1878 remark about Mark Twain when Twain got a cold reception from his own poorly judged joke: "I hope they won’t lynch him; it would be irregular and illegal, however roughly just and publicly beneficial."

#581 |

My latest scientific discovery is that there is a certain degree of being undercooked at which thick spaghetti feels exactly like Pull 'n' Peel Twizzlers. Use this information wisely.

#580 |

MYTH: The lowest grade in school is called "F" because "F" stands for "failure".

FACT: It's called "F" because the instructor is paying respects to your GPA.

#579 |

Werewolves have to replace all the clothes they tear through in the process of transformation, but they save a lot of money on fursuits.

#578 |

"Using future data [in the construction of the covariates for a survival model] will often generate large positive or negative bias in the coefficients, but sometimes it generates little bias at all. It is nearly impossible to predict a priori which of these will occur in any given data set. Using such a covariate is similar to jogging across a Los Angeles freeway: disaster is not guaranteed—but it is likely." —Terry Therneau (2016)

#577 |

The wages of sin is death, which makes sin an increasingly competitive option in today's job market.

#576 |

Remember, kids, going into a store without wearing a mask is sus, but getting vaccinated is poggers!

#575 |

If your D&D character's magical patron ever comes off as a bit clingy, consider that "warlock" comes from an Old English word meaning "traitor" or "oath-breaker".

#574 |

DID YOU KNOW? The surface of the earth absorbs heat energy from the sun and the atmosphere. It radiates this energy back out as infrared light, generally leading to cooler surface temperatures at sunrise than sunset. This process is called "radiational cooling" or "nocturnal emission".

#573 |

"Pete Best", more like "Pete Not-Good-Enough", am I right? (I bet he's never heard that one before.)

#572 |

Some proposed utopias, such as Ursula K. Le Guin's Anarres and B. F. Skinner's Walden Two, replace laws and formal rules with informal social norms. People's own feelings of guilt and shame serve to prevent and punish bad behavior. I would term this strand of political thought the bruh-moment philosophy of criminal justice.

#571 |

Politics aside, you have to admit that "Raphael Warnock" is a really cool name.

#570 |

American white supremacists have long warned us of a terrifying possibility that now seems all but inevitable: the possibility of white people becoming a minority in their own country. Putting aside the question of whose country the US is, I can report my experiences on the vanguard of this trend, having lived for two-and-a-half years as a white man (but not white enough for some people, oy!) in the 7%-white neighborhood of East Harlem. Here is a full accounting of the ways in which, to my knowledge, I have been mistreated in my neighborhood on account of my race:

1. This one time a few months ago, I was walking past another guy in the dark on 3rd Avenue and he angrily muttered something about me that included the word "cracker".

Okay, that's the end of the list. Let my life stand as a warning to all who believe it possible for people of different races to coexist peacefully.

#569 |

I'm writing a yiff graphic novel about a band of canine seamen, to be titled Thirty Knots.

#568 |

Edutainment games I'd like to see:

#567 |

Murphy's law implies that given a sufficiently large dataset, if you check for any imaginable problem or inconsistency with the data, you'll find it. Numbers written out in words? Yep. Numerals with more than one decimal point? Yep. Every imaginable typo and abbreviation for a single name, plus several unimaginable ones? Prepare to be awed at human ingenuity in the art of getting things wrong.

#566 |

J. K. Rowling is a hypocrite, anyway. Where does she have Harry go to drink his Polyjuice Potions and snoop around in the Chamber of Secrets? That's right: a girls' bathroom.

#565 |

Closed species be like "Wanna draw your own picture of one of these fluffy dog-chicken hybrids with magenta spots? That'll be four hundred dollars."

#564 |

In the Twilight books, vampires are referred to as "the cold ones". So if you were eviscerating a vampire with your friends, that would be "cracking open a cold one with the boys".